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Bullying

Four Markers of Bullying


With every person we talk to about bullying we get a different definition of what it is.  There seems to be some difficulty defining what bullying is and what it isn’t.  Norwegian researcher Dan Olweus defines bullying as when the person is

“exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons.”

He defines negative actions as “when a person intentionally inflicts injury or discomfort upon another person, through physical contact, through words or in other ways.”

The following are markers that may help determine if an act of aggression is actually bullying or simply the result of conflict between two parties.

1. Imbalance of Power

The bully can be older, bigger, stronger, more verbally adapt, higher up on the social ladder, of a difference race, or of the opposite sex. Sheer numbers of kids banded together to bully can create this imbalance. Bullying is not sibling rivalry, nor is it fighting that involves two equally matched kids who have conflict.

2. Intent to Harm
 
The bully means to inflict emotional and/or physical pain, expects the action to hurt, and takes pleasure in witnessing the hurt. This is no accident or mistake, no slip of the tongue, no playful teasing, no misplaced foot, no inadvertent exclusion.
 
3. Threat of Further Aggression
 
Both the bully and the bullied know that the bullying can and probably will occur again. This is not meant to be a one time event. When bullying escalates unabated, a fourth element is added:
 
4. Terror
 
Bullying is systematic violence used to intimidate and maintain dominance. Terror struck in the heart of the child targeted is not only a means to an end, it is an end in itself. This is not a one time act of aggression elicited by anger about a specific issue, nor is it an impulsive response to a rebuke.
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I Have An Aspie In My Youth Group!


In a setting which relies heavily on spoken and written words the Asperger’s child is at a disadvantage.  With a growing awareness of Asperger’s and its nuances youth ministries need to adjust some of their practices to make it more accessible to those who have traits of or a diagnosis of the disorder.

 There are three main interrelated general areas of functional liability in children with AD:

  1. Visual-spacial processing and sensory-motor integration
  2. Information processing and organizational skills
  3. Social skills and pragmatic language development

These areas will need to be discussed in greater detail by youth ministries as this is largely misunderstood people group that are not being effectively impacted with the Good News, not for a lack of want but likely from a lack of understanding and awareness on our part.  For the time being we’ll simply provide an overview of these three areas of difficulty and leave it up to you to contextualize in your ministry setting.

Visual-spacial processing and sensory-motor integration

Examples of visual-spacial skills include the ability to walk a narrow beam or to run while accurately throwing a ball to another person.  Most of us take these skills for granted.  You probably think nothing of the fact that you know the relative size of things.  When going to pick up a stack of books, you know that they will be heavier than the single book you just put down, and you’ll adjust your motor movement to account for that difference.  You take for granted that you can find your way from one place to another in a large building.  For youth with AD, the visual-spacial and visual discrimination skills required to accomplish all these activities are often impaired, contributing to a natural clumsiness and frequent experiences of getting lost.

Visual-spacial processing impacts learning in many ways and this has a direct impact on discipleship efforts, given that we primarily teach about our Christian faith like a classroom subject.  Students with AD find tasks such as handwriting, taking notes, and filling out forms and worksheets difficult at best and often impossible.  Given the difficulties these children have in visual spacial processing and coordinating sensory-motor integration, seemingly simple tasks are not simple and can impede their ability to grow and develop spiritually as their peers.  The problem is not one of failing to understand the task or not having the knowledge to complete the task (i.e., bible study); rather, the problem is that these youth have a specific disability that interferes with the processing of visual-motor and visual-spacial information.

Information processing and organizational skills

Processing the many forms of information that you encounter daily is dependent on a complex set of interconnections between multiple parts of the brain.  In students with AD this process is impaired, leaving them unable to easily or quickly make sense of simple day-to-day tasks (like homework or chores), or individual expectations (grooming or managing relationships).  The information goes in, but once it enters the labyrinth of the mind it becomes jumbled and their ability to organize, recall, or use the information is hindered by their cognitive processes.  Imagine trying to relate a parable of Jesus to a student with AD.  This can often appear on the surface to be oppositional in nature but upon further inspection it is simply the result of a complex cognitive process that has gone off the track.

Social skills and pragmatic language development

In the development of social skills and day-to-day language that conveys social meaning the AD child struggles.  This is partly due to the first two issues addressed above.  The student’s difficulties processing information and accurately comprehending the actions of others, along with spacial, motor, and organizational problems combine to create pain nd anxiety for the child.  Normal social interactions occur on so many levels at the same time, some overt (verbal messages) and some covert (hidden messages, tone of voice, nonverbal, gestures, body language, etc.).  Youth with AD do not fully grasp these nuances, missing social cues and implied meanings that others understand.  Aspies often take things at face value, interpreting statements literally, often missing sarcasm, subtly humor, or even threats. 

Just because a child has AD does not mean they will skip being a teenager.  The student is just as  likely to go through the normal variations of mood and personality as any teen; they just go through adolescence with more baggage.  The good news is that, developmentally, most of these teens are slower to become aware of adolescent issues of sexuality, drugs, or rebellion, but these issues will eventually come up  The social culture that our youth are a part of is difficult at best, and many of these teens are not prepared to deal with the pressures they face daily.  We have a tremendous opportunity to show the love of Christ to Aspies and their families by entering into the potential messiness of their day-to-day living and getting our hands dirty.  The message this sends when we seek to understand is that they matter.  They matter to us and more importantly, they matter to the God who created them.

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The Art of Connecting with Kids on the Fringe


After a workshop I facilitated on working with kids who have been abused, an elderly woman approached me to ask me a question.  She shocked me with the simplicity and depth of the question.  Here’s what she said,

“I love the kids in my community but I don’t know how to connect with the.  I want to reach out but don’t know where to start.  How do you do it?”

I can’t really remember what I told her, probably an overly simplified answer.  I never thought about it to be honest.  I just did what felt natural when reaching out to others.  Plus, I have the added benefit of being pretty simple, if I didn’t know someone I would just introduce myself and talk to them.  It wasn’t until I talked to my wife that she opened my eyes to the idea that for some this comes easy.  For others though it is an anxiety inducing event.  Imaging, you long to reach out to this generation, a generation that is slipping through the cracks right before your very eyes, but the words escape you when needed.  You don’t know how to connect beyond a simple “Hello, how are you today?”

My wife and I talked about this for several hours over the next few days.  We explored what is involved in connecting with these kids that seemed so different from us.  Asking me how I connect with fringe kids is like asking a fish to describe water.  I spend so much time out there on the fringe that it has become normal.   I have developed, over the years, skills to navigate those waters.  But many others haven’t and don’t know where to start.  That’s what this series in aimed at doing, equipping willing adults to connect with a generation where the gap is ever increasing.  Our thoughts are not exhaustive and it is my hope that other voices will chime in with their experience, wisdom, and insight.

We will cover the following over the next several weeks:

  • Bridge Building – How to make that initial contact in a meaningful way?
  • Cultivating a spirit of learning – Curiosity is key in connecting with others.  How do we foster a spirit of curiosity?
  • Law of the Lid – We will explore our preconceived expectations of these fringe kids and how they impede our interactions with them.
  • The Culture of an Individual – Each student is a culture unto themselves.  We will discuss how to explore that culture as it relates to effectively ministering to them.
  • Doing away with my Agenda – How my agenda actually breeds a distrust that is nearly impossible to overcome.
  • What is our Purpose of our Interactions – Moving from meaningless to Meaningful interactions.
  • Checking our Personal Bias at the Door – Often our personal biases impact how well we connect with others, especially those different than us.
  • Finding Common Ground – Discovering shared experiences, dreams, fear, and failures.
  • What is being said without Words – What story are they telling with their clothes, hairstyle, and nonverbal communication.

I hope you will contribute to this discussion because at the end of the day it will close the gap between us and the adolescents that reside in the world beneath…

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Sex and Violence in Youth Ministry


In today’s urban dating culture many express how frustrating and unsatisfied they are because dating patterns encourage young men to be aggressive and young women to be accommodating.

Unfortunately, sex and violence are so intertwined for men that an easy separation is impossible.  Violence is constantly glamorized and sexualized in the urban culture.  The multibillion-dollar pornography industry is the clearest example of how we learn that power and control are tied to sexual arousal.  Even in children’s comic books, popular music and videos, and magazine advertisements, we are constantly reminded that dominating and subduing women is sexy and arousing.  The primary message young men receive is that having sexual access to women and having someone sexually vulnerable to you are the quintessential signs of male power, the epitome of success.  Women are constantly shown accompanying other signs of male power and success, such as fast cars, fancy stereos, money, and guns.

Some of these images portray the women as protesting vigorously at first, then finally giving up and enjoying sex.  In this way young men are taught that women are somehow turned on by the aggression displayed by men.  They may protest or say no at first to protect their reputation, but when they relax and enjoy it, they will grow aroused by the man’s aggression.  If they don’t, then there is something wrong with them.

The result of this training is that men are given permission to use sexual aggression to control women, to deny what they’re doing and then assert that it’s no big deal anyway.  If this goes on long enough it soon becomes the norm.  Young men assume this is the way relations between men and women are naturally.  If there is any guilt or remorse, the young women gets the blame.

  • She’s a tease
  • She’s frigid
  • She’s too emotional
  • She shouldn’t have said that
  • She knew that would make me angry
  • She asked for it
  • She said no but she meant yes
  • If she didn’t want it she wouldn’t dress like that

There are so many layers of aggression, blame, and denial that there is no way for young men to see the impact their thoughts and behaviors have on the women around them.  We can even use the Scriptures to reinforce these ideas that women are inferior, further damaging the inherent dignity and value each young woman has, leading to a fractured image of who she was created to be by God.

  • What role does the church/your ministry have in (inadvertently) reinforcing these false beliefs?
  • When was the last time you had a conversation about male gender training with the young men in your ministry?
  • What are new values/beliefs that need to be taught from Scripture to replace old, harmful beliefs?
  • How can we affirm young males without encouraging male privilege?
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Bullying (part 3): Text-Bullying And Mobile Technology


Adults are becoming more and more savvy about protecting kids from cyber bullying—harassment using technology, such as email, instant messaging, or social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter. But during the upcoming spring break, when kids have more unstructured time than usual, they are also at risk of exposure to bullying through text messaging (“text bullying”), or even being “sexted,” using the text-messaging feature on cell phones, which a reported 87 percent of teens own (National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 2008).

“Sexting” is sending nude or sexually suggestive pictures and accompanying text via cell phone. Although the original “sexter” may only send the suggestive message to one person—a girlfriend or boyfriend, for example—that message can be forwarded to anyone in the recipient’s address book, and from there, all across a school or community. Once it’s out there, there’s no way to take back the message or the accompanying embarrassment or humiliation.

There are possible long-term consequences, too. Since school admissions officers and potential employers often look at online profiles, the repercussions of sending an inappropriate message could be endless. And one newspaper reports that sexters can “face felony charges for child pornography” (Borgman, 2009), landing them on the registry for sexual predators, a label they’ll bear for the rest of their lives.

What Kids Can Do About It

According to the Anti-Defamation League, critical thinking is “the best tool against hate” (Tiven, 2003). You can coach kids to use the same problem-solving skills for text bullying that they would use in any other situation. The more they think before pressing the “send” key, the less likely they will be to disseminate a photo or message that will get them in trouble and ruin their reputation.

When kids receive harassing or inappropriate text messages, there are several things they can do:

  • Never, ever respond to the message sender.
  • Report it as soon as possible to a trusted adult (and if that person doesn’t help, tell others until someone does).
  • Save or print the message to keep a record, then delete it from the phone.
  • Only keep contact information of close friends and family in their address book.
  • Talk to their wireless provider about how they can help (such as blocking the messages or changing their number).

What Parents Can Do About It

If critical thinking is a kid’s best defense against text bullying, communication is yours. Just as you talk to your kids about sex, relationships, and drugs, it’s also important to talk to them about how they use their phones, and with whom.  “Supervising and monitoring your kids’ whereabouts in real life and in cyberspace doesn’t make you a nag; it’s just part of your job as a parent” (NCPTUP, 2008).

It’s best not to take away kids’ phone privileges when they come to you with a text bullying problem. That might make them feel as if they’re being punished for someone else’s transgression. Here are some things you can do instead:

  • Talk to your kids about text bullying and sexting, especially the short- and long-term consequences.
  • Monitor their cell phone use: Who are they texting? Who is texting them?
  • Suggest that everyone’s cell phone stay on the kitchen counter or another centralized place while they’re home.
  • Set rules about the kind of behavior that is and is not acceptable—on a cell phone, or anywhere else. Remind kids of the rules periodically.
  • Many cell phone provider’s website allow for varying degrees of parental control available from their website.  This allows for parents to control the hours of which a child may receive or send text/pix messages, block callers/numbers from any activity on that specific phone line, and keep record of your child’s mobile activities.

References

Borgman, L. (2009, February 24). Safe sexting? There’s no such thing. Lexington Herald-Leader.

Brock, K. (2008, May 6). Text bullying. WLS-TV Chicago, IL. Retrieved February 24, 2009 from http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/national_world&id=6124134.

National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. (2008). Sex and tech: Results from a survey of teens and young adults. Washington, DC: Author.

NCH: The Children’s Charity. (2005). Stoptextbully top 10 tips. Retrieved February 24, 2009 from http://www.pkc.gov.uk/NR/rdonlyres/F1ABA3FA-C050-4913-BD29-0AC7A531F110/0/StoptextBullyingTop10Tips.pdf.

Tiven, L. (2003). Hate on the Internet: A response guide for educators and families. Albany, NY: Anti-Defamation League.

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Bullying (part 1): Profile Of A Bully


This is the first in a series of post exploring the complex issue of bullying in all of its various forms.

The Ways and Means of Bullying

 

1.            Verbal Bullying (boys & girls equally use this)

 

2.            Physical Bullying (mostly boys)

 

3.            Relational Bullying (mostly girls)

 

4.            Cyber-Bullying (boys & girls equally use this)

 

 

The Makeup of a Bully

 

1.            The Confident Bully (arrogant)

2.            The Social Bully (gossip)

3.            The Detached Bully (dissociative)

4.            The Hyperactive Bully (learning disability)

5.            The Bullied Bully (transference)

6.            The Bunch of Bullies (mob mentality)

7.            The Gang of Bullies (strategic alliance seeking power)

 

Common Bully Traits

 

1.            Like to dominate people

2.            Like to use other people to get what they want

3.            Lack of empathy

4.            Self-Seeking

5.            Violence in the absence of adults

6.            View other as weak and potential prey

7.            Uses blame, criticism, and false allegations

8.            Refuse to accept responsibility

9.            Lacks foresight and short term and long term consequences

10.         Crave attention

11.         Is NOT about anger

 

Contempt

 

1.            A sense of entitlement – the privilege and right to control, dominate, subjugate, and otherwise abuse another human being

2.            An intolerance toward differences – different equals inferior and thus not worthy of respect

3.            A liberty to exclude – to bar, isolate, and segregate a person deemed not worthy of respect or care

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Violence Is A Male Problem (part 1 of 2)


According to United States Department of Justice statistics – Uniform Crime Report and Bureau Statistic

  • 89.0% of those arrested for all violent crimes were men.
  • 87.5% of those arrested for murder were men.
  • 98.8% of forcible rapes we committed by men.
  • 91.9% of robberies were committed by men.
  • 86.7% of those arrested for aggravated assaults were men.
  • 92.2% of those arrested for sex offenses (not rape or prostitution) were men.
  • Wars are instigated and generally carried out by men (although this number has changed significantly in the last decade).

Training to be a man = Training to be violent

Virtually every man has experienced violence in his life and is trained to use violence for resolving conflict if he deems it necessary.  Most men has engaged in fist fights, verbal threats, pushing, shoving, grabbing, or intimidation.  For almost all men the use of physical force to resolve conflict is an option that they have experienced in at least one of three ways: (1) they have used physical force to win something, (2) they have been victims of physical force, or (3) they have seen someone use physical force.  Violence for men is a common experience and under many circumstances some men view violence as an acceptable response to a threat from either men or women.  The threat need not be physical harm; it could be a threat to self-worth, self-esteem, security, or person ambitions.  Acknowledging violence as “normal” male behavior is important for the understanding of dating/domestic violence.

Two reasons for male violence

The process of molding violent men begins very early and is a pattern of development our society considers normal.  First, almost all societies want men to have the potential to use physical force as a legitimate means to resolve conflict.  Societies sanction violence in specific circumstances such as war, police activities, defense of family and self, and sports.  Historically men have trained to wage war in order to protect family, clan, city and state or to expand the domain that each family, clan, city or state controls.  Whether it is used for protection or expansion, violence helps ensure the survival of the culture for which men fight.  And for thousands of years, men have been willing to to risk death or dismemberment to protect their cultures.  several conditions enable men to go to war and kill or be killed (We’ll explore these conditions in another post).  Training for violence starts within the family and with the games of adulthood.

The second reason for male violence is that many men have been given neither the means to determine acceptable boundaries for violence nor have they been given the tools to resolve conflict without resorting to coercion.  Many men come from families that injure rather than protect.   These men are left with a pervasive sense of alienation, loneliness, inadequacy, mistrust, and fear, and they have no adequate means of coping with these feelings.

Men who were abuse as children, i.e. were victims of violence inflicted by their families, are unable to establish acceptable personal boundaries for themselves or others and frequently feel threats to their self-worth as threats to their survival.  When abusive men perceive themselves as threatened, hence endangered by emotional conflict, they do all they can to win and survive.   If they cannot assure emotional survival by lesser means, they will use violence.

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A Prayer When I Feel Hated


Loving God, you made me who I am.
I praise you and I love you, for I am wonderfully made,
in your own image.

But when people make fun of me,
I feel hurt and embarrassed and even ashamed.
So please God, help me remember my own goodness,
which lies in you.
Help me remember my dignity,
which you gave me when I was conceived.
Help me remember that I can live a life of love.
Because you created my heart.

Be with me when people make fun of me,
and help me to respond how you would want me to,
in a love that respects other, but also respects me.
Help me find friends who love me for who I am.
Help me, most of all, to be a loving person.

And God, help me remember that Jesus loves me.
For he was seen as an outcast, too.
He was misunderstood, too.
He was beaten and spat upon.
Jesus understands me, and loves me with a special love,
because of the way you made me.

And when I am feeling lonely,
help me remember that Jesus welcomed everyone as a friend.
Jesus reminded everyone that God loved them.
And Jesus encouraged everyone to embrace their dignity,
even when others were blind to that dignity.
Jesus loved everyone with the love that you gave him.
And he loves me, too.

One more thing, God:
Help me remember that nothing is impossible with you,
that you have a way of making things better,
that you can find a way of love for me,
even if I can’t see it right now.
Help me remember all these things in the heart you created,
loving God. Amen.

James Martin, SJ, is a Jesuit priest and the author of The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything and My Life with the Saints.

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The Importance Of Harmonious Peer Relationship


Just how important is it for human beings to establish and maintain harmonious relationships with their peers?  Apparently it is very important.  One recent review of more than 30 studies revealed that youngsters who had been rejected by their peers during grade school are much more likely that those who had enjoyed good peer relations to drop out of school, to become involved in delinquent or criminal activities, and to display serious psychological difficulties later in adolescence and young adulthood. (Parker & Asher, 1987; see also Kupersmidt & Coie, 1990)  So merely having contact with peer associates is not enough to ensure normal developmental outcomes; getting along with peers in important too.

How can we measure children’s peer acceptance and identify those youth who are at risk of experiencing adverse outcomes later in life?  Researchers generally rely on sociometric techniques. In a sociometric survey each child in a peer group might be asked to name several peers whom she likes and several whom she dislikes; or, alternatively, each child might be asked to rate all peer-group members in terms of their desirability as companions.  By analyzing the choices that kids make, it is usually possible to classify each group member into one of the following categories: (1) popular children (those liked by most peers and rejected by few), (2) amiables, or “accepteds” (those who are chosen less frequently than “populars” but who receive a clear preponderance of positive nominations), (3) neglectees (children who are rarely nominated as liked or disliked and who seem almost invisible to peers), and (4) rejectees (those who are disliked by many peers and accepted by few).*  And it seems that rejected children fall in roughly equal numbers into two distinct subcategories: those who are highly and inappropriately aggressive (aggressive rejectees) and others who are anxious, low in self-esteem, and inclined to withdraw from peer contacts (nonaggressive rejectees) (Boivin & Begin, 1989, French, 1988).

Notice that both neglectees and rejectees are low in peer acceptance.  Yet it is not nearly as bad to be ignored by one’s peers as to be rejected by them.  Neglectees do not feel as lonely as rejectees do (Asher & Wheeler, 1985), and they are much more likely than rejected children to eventually become accepted or even popular should they enter a new class or new peer group (Coie & Dodge, 1983).  In addition, it is the rejected child, particularly the aggressive rejectee, who faces the greater risk of displaying deviant, antisocial behavior or other serious adjustment problems later in life (Asher & Coie, 1990; Kupersmidt & Coie, 1990; Roff, 1974).

All of this underlies the importance of community.  Not psuedo-community but genuine community.  See, Jesus came to bring reconciliation.  He came to bring it to those who have been rejected and neglected.  His chief aim was to reconcile them first to Himself and then to community with others.  This is why we, as God’s people, must actively seek out relationships with those marginalized.  It is because of God’s original design for community that this is how He choses to be known, through relationships.

We have the task of redefining what is “acceptable” or the “norm” and what is “valuable” when it comes to relational capital.  Those factors, such as; attractiveness, economic status, and position do not determine placement in God’s relational economy.  We must fight against adopting the worlds class system and embrace those who have been cast off as not having value because it is what God did with us.  Our families and ministries should reflect God’s heart for all of mankind.  If it doesn’t then we’ve missed the mark.

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