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Teen Dating Violence

Sex and Violence in Youth Ministry


In today’s urban dating culture many express how frustrating and unsatisfied they are because dating patterns encourage young men to be aggressive and young women to be accommodating.

Unfortunately, sex and violence are so intertwined for men that an easy separation is impossible.  Violence is constantly glamorized and sexualized in the urban culture.  The multibillion-dollar pornography industry is the clearest example of how we learn that power and control are tied to sexual arousal.  Even in children’s comic books, popular music and videos, and magazine advertisements, we are constantly reminded that dominating and subduing women is sexy and arousing.  The primary message young men receive is that having sexual access to women and having someone sexually vulnerable to you are the quintessential signs of male power, the epitome of success.  Women are constantly shown accompanying other signs of male power and success, such as fast cars, fancy stereos, money, and guns.

Some of these images portray the women as protesting vigorously at first, then finally giving up and enjoying sex.  In this way young men are taught that women are somehow turned on by the aggression displayed by men.  They may protest or say no at first to protect their reputation, but when they relax and enjoy it, they will grow aroused by the man’s aggression.  If they don’t, then there is something wrong with them.

The result of this training is that men are given permission to use sexual aggression to control women, to deny what they’re doing and then assert that it’s no big deal anyway.  If this goes on long enough it soon becomes the norm.  Young men assume this is the way relations between men and women are naturally.  If there is any guilt or remorse, the young women gets the blame.

  • She’s a tease
  • She’s frigid
  • She’s too emotional
  • She shouldn’t have said that
  • She knew that would make me angry
  • She asked for it
  • She said no but she meant yes
  • If she didn’t want it she wouldn’t dress like that

There are so many layers of aggression, blame, and denial that there is no way for young men to see the impact their thoughts and behaviors have on the women around them.  We can even use the Scriptures to reinforce these ideas that women are inferior, further damaging the inherent dignity and value each young woman has, leading to a fractured image of who she was created to be by God.

  • What role does the church/your ministry have in (inadvertently) reinforcing these false beliefs?
  • When was the last time you had a conversation about male gender training with the young men in your ministry?
  • What are new values/beliefs that need to be taught from Scripture to replace old, harmful beliefs?
  • How can we affirm young males without encouraging male privilege?
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Violence Is A Male Problem (part 1 of 2)


According to United States Department of Justice statistics – Uniform Crime Report and Bureau Statistic

  • 89.0% of those arrested for all violent crimes were men.
  • 87.5% of those arrested for murder were men.
  • 98.8% of forcible rapes we committed by men.
  • 91.9% of robberies were committed by men.
  • 86.7% of those arrested for aggravated assaults were men.
  • 92.2% of those arrested for sex offenses (not rape or prostitution) were men.
  • Wars are instigated and generally carried out by men (although this number has changed significantly in the last decade).

Training to be a man = Training to be violent

Virtually every man has experienced violence in his life and is trained to use violence for resolving conflict if he deems it necessary.  Most men has engaged in fist fights, verbal threats, pushing, shoving, grabbing, or intimidation.  For almost all men the use of physical force to resolve conflict is an option that they have experienced in at least one of three ways: (1) they have used physical force to win something, (2) they have been victims of physical force, or (3) they have seen someone use physical force.  Violence for men is a common experience and under many circumstances some men view violence as an acceptable response to a threat from either men or women.  The threat need not be physical harm; it could be a threat to self-worth, self-esteem, security, or person ambitions.  Acknowledging violence as “normal” male behavior is important for the understanding of dating/domestic violence.

Two reasons for male violence

The process of molding violent men begins very early and is a pattern of development our society considers normal.  First, almost all societies want men to have the potential to use physical force as a legitimate means to resolve conflict.  Societies sanction violence in specific circumstances such as war, police activities, defense of family and self, and sports.  Historically men have trained to wage war in order to protect family, clan, city and state or to expand the domain that each family, clan, city or state controls.  Whether it is used for protection or expansion, violence helps ensure the survival of the culture for which men fight.  And for thousands of years, men have been willing to to risk death or dismemberment to protect their cultures.  several conditions enable men to go to war and kill or be killed (We’ll explore these conditions in another post).  Training for violence starts within the family and with the games of adulthood.

The second reason for male violence is that many men have been given neither the means to determine acceptable boundaries for violence nor have they been given the tools to resolve conflict without resorting to coercion.  Many men come from families that injure rather than protect.   These men are left with a pervasive sense of alienation, loneliness, inadequacy, mistrust, and fear, and they have no adequate means of coping with these feelings.

Men who were abuse as children, i.e. were victims of violence inflicted by their families, are unable to establish acceptable personal boundaries for themselves or others and frequently feel threats to their self-worth as threats to their survival.  When abusive men perceive themselves as threatened, hence endangered by emotional conflict, they do all they can to win and survive.   If they cannot assure emotional survival by lesser means, they will use violence.

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The Anatomy Of Honesty


We encourage students to explore the role of honesty and confession as a discipline in the Way of Jesus.  Issues relevant to this topic include: What is the cost of dishonesty?  When is it safe to confess?  What if the other person doesn’t accept honesty?

“I haven’t told my parents that I use pot.  I don’t want them to be mad at me.”

“My abuse can’t be as bad as I’ve made it out to be; I must be making things up.”

“If I tell my family about the abuse, I’ll be the black sheep.”

“I don’t want to date that person, but I can’t say ‘no’.”

Honesty, with God, oneself and others, is a central principle of the Way of Jesus.  Secrecy, lies, and avoidance are hallmarks of sin as well as abuse.  In cases of abuse, young people may have been punished or ignored if they spoke out regarding their abuse, and thus learned to suppress their truths.  When the consequence of telling the truth is greater than that of telling lies it makes sense that one would choose the latter of the two.

Students are therefore encouraged to recognize the cost of dishonesty: It alienates them from others and perpetuates the idea that something about them is unacceptable and must be hidden. (Think Adam and Eve)  In contrast honesty is liberating. 

The term “honesty” conveys an ideal that goes beyond just expressing one’s views.  It is meant to convey integrity, the notion of “owning” one’s experiences, and a spiritual sense of acceptance. 

Honesty is a complicated subject, however, as real risks are on the line for the abused student.  Honesty needs to be selective.  It may not be safe, for example, for a young person to confront their abuser. 

One particularly difficult situation is when a student asks the youth worker to hide information from parents or other adults, such as substance abuse.  In such scenarios, it is strongly recommended that the youth worker not keep secrets that would further place the student at risk of hurting themselves or others.  It usually helps to suggest to the student to try talking honestly with the parents, setting a date by which it would happen (such as a few days).  After the specified date, the youth worker then talks with the parents directly to confirm that the information has been shared.  Although there may be a risk of the student dropping out of our program, the greater risk is keeping substance abuse secrets on behalf of the student.  Not only would this reinforce lying about substance abuse, but it puts the youth worker in the position of being an “enabler” and may at times put other people in jeopardy (i.e., driving while under the influence). 

In encouraging students to be honest, a key issue is helping them cope with others’ negative reactions.  It helps to view honesty as a positive goal in and of itself, regardless of how the other person feels.  This is the Way of Jesus.  He routinely spoke truth for the sake of truth and not because He was concerned with how the others would react to it.  There will be growth either way: If the person has a positive reaction, the relationship has increased in closeness; if the person has a negative reaction, the student has learned more about the other person and can proceed accordingly.  Unfortunately, young people too often take a negative reaction to truth not as information about the other person, but as condemnation of themselves.  Preparing for negative reactions is then very important because when we can see that often dishonesty is nothing more than a functional protective skill, developed to keep someone safe from threats, we can move from a place of compassion into the messiness of their world.

Because it can be so difficult for students to be honest, respecting their defenses and locating areas where they are able to make some disclosure is more helpful than trying to convince them reveal when they resist.  Thus, if a student cannot be honest in a particular situation we should use this defensive posture as a thermostat for our relationship with that student.  Resistance can sometimes, often time, be a gift.  It lets us know there is still work to be done to develop a trusting relationship with a hurt and scared student. 

If we are fortunate enough to gain their trust, we dare not do anything to lose it.  It is a sacred thing when a person allows you entrance into their innermost hurt.  We must tread carefully.  Take off your shoes because you are walking on holy ground.  It is here that we have the opportunity to witness the miracle of Jesus making someone whole again.

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PTSD and the Youth Worker


Suicide, sexual abuse, drive by shootings, car accidents, date rape.  These events and many other traumatic events occur on a seemingly regular basis and can impact the surviving student(s), families, or youth workers more deeply than imagined.  If you work with kids long enough then you will experience a traumatic event and it will serve you well to understand the phenomenon of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that is often left in the wake of a horrible event. 

The following is an overview of what PTSD might look like in your youth, their families, and those that serve them. 

Many triggers in the present environment can activate traumatic memory material and stimulate intrusions.  Triggers are cues – often harmless – that have become associated with the original trauma.  In some way, they remind us of the trauma or recall traumatic memories.  The association may be obvious or subtle.  They may trigger most of the memory or just certain fragments of it.  Often, they trigger intrusions against our will.  Recognizing triggers, and realizing that their power to elicit intrusions is understandable, are steps towards controlling its effects on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Some people find it helpful to understand triggers by their twelve categories:

  1. Visual: seeing blood or road kill reminds one of wounded bodies; black garbage bags can remind us of body bags; a secretary sees her boss standing over her and is reminded of her abusive father.
  2. Sound (auditory): a backfiring car sounds like gunshot to a veteran or inner city youth exposed to street violence; sounds during lovemaking remind one of sexual abuse.
  3. Smell (olfactory): the smell of semen or another’s body during intercourse, or the smell of cologne or aftershave reminds one of sexual assault.
  4. Taste (gustatory): eating a hamburger reminds one of an automobile accident that occurred as one drove away from a fast food restaurant.
  5. Physical or Body
  • Kinesthetic means the sensation of movement, tension, or body position.  Thus, running when tense might be reminiscent of trying to flee a beating; trying to do progressive muscle relaxation (tensing muscles, lying on one’s back with eyes closed) might trigger memories of sexual abuse.
  • Tactile or touch: pressure around wrists or waist, being gripped, held, or otherwise restrained (perhaps even a hug) reminds one of torture or rape; feeling someone on top of you; a man accidentally kicked in bed by his wife while sleeping recalls a midnight attack while in prison; being touch during sexual relations with a loved one in the same place or in the same way as occurred during abuse will likely trigger traumatic memories.
  • Pain or other internal sensations; surgical pain, nausea, headaches, or back pain might trigger memories of torture or rape.  Elevated heart rate from exercising at night might remind one of a similar sensation during a high stress encounter such as a drive by shooting.

      6.  Significant Dates or Seasons

  • Anniversary dates of the trauma
  • Seasons of the year with their accompanying stimuli (temperature, lighting, colors, sounds)
  • Other dates (e.g., a mother becomes distressed on the date of her murdered son would have graduated)

      7.  Stressful Events/Arousal: Sometimes changes in the brain due to the trauma cause it to interpret any stress signals as a recurrence of the original trauma.  At other times, seemingly unrelated events are actually triggers.  Examples include:

  • A woman visits her spouse in the hospital which triggers a flashback of grief and loss.  As a young woman she has a late term miscarriage in the same hospital.
  • An argument with a significant other triggers memories of parents arguing violently.
  • Criticism from a teacher reminds a person of being abused by his father.
  • A frightening dream with no apparent related theme activates the fear of a traumatic memory.  (Of course, a nightmare of the trauma would understandably elicit strong feelings of distress.)
  • Athletic competition reminds an athlete of a previous traumatic injury or of a being abused when she performed poorly in the past.

      8.  Strong Emotions: feeling lonely reminds one of abandonment; feeling happy reminds a woman of a rape that occurred after having dinner with her best friend; anything that makes one anxious, out of control, or generally stressed, such as PMS.  Some memories are state-dependent, meaning that the brain activates them only when the emotional state is the same as the original memory.  Thus, if one was drunk when raped, she may feel symptoms only when drinking; if raped when sober, then drinking might provide an escape from the symptoms.

      9.  Thoughts: rejection by a lover leads to the thought “I am worthless,” which triggers the same thoughts that occurred when one was abused as a child.

    10.  Behaviors: driving reminds a person of a serious accident.

     11.  Out of the Blue: Sometimes intrusions occur when you are tired, relaxing, or your defenses are down.  Often a thought or something you’re not aware of will elicit symptoms; so might the habitual act of dissociating during stressful times.

     12.  Combinations: often triggers contain several memory aspects at once.  For example:

  • Walking to the parking lot on a dark summer’s night (visual+kinesthetic+seasons) triggers a memory of a violent crime.
  • Fireworks (sound+flarelike sight) triggers combat memories.
  • Intercourse (weight+touch+sounds+relaxing+the smell of aftershave+the pressure of a hug or a squeezing sensation or the wrists) trigger memories of rape.

 

This list is by no means exhaustive but hopefully it will shed some light on the problems some of your students face.  There are some implications for our ministries too.  If we know a student has been sexually assaulted then we should be cognizant to the fact that some games we play where there is physical contact (human knot) or close proximity to others (passing a Life Saver on a toothpick) may trigger a response to that stimulus.  We can simply pull them aside and prep them ahead of time as to what the game will entail and give them an option to participate or not. 

Students who suffer from trauma need therapeutic interventions.  Often we operate outside of our expertise and we must realize that we are not trained counselor.  A referral for the student and their family is often the best thing we can do for them.  Be honest with yourself about your limitations and seek outside support if necessary.

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Constance – Mr. J. Medeiros


We know this video was released a couple years ago but it warrants being recycled every now and again because of the powerful message it has.

WARNING:  The content of this video addresses themes of pornography and the internet.  It is useful for beginning discussion with you teens on the long reaching effects of pornography.

Next time you’re tempted to click…remember.

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Bullying: Everyone Plays A Role


Most of the time when we think of bullying we only see two parties as being involved; the bully and the bullied.  Olweus theory suggests that everyone plays a role in bullying.  If this is true then to combat bullying would require a collaborative effort by all parties.  Below is a diagram of the various parties involved in bullying.

After seeing this chart I began noticing the specific roles in the youth in our community.  Bullying is a systemic problem that requires a well thought out approach if we are going to quell this dangerous behavior and it’s consequences.  Below is Olweus’s components for addressing bullying in our communities.

Our churches and ministries can and should take the lead in confronting this behavior and implementing a plan of action to address bullying.

What might it say should a church take the lead in this fight?

What does this communicate to our kids when a community fights for their safety?

How does this impact an adolescents search for identity and autonomy?

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Technology & Abuse


Texting friends is fun and a great way to stay connected with your group during the day. The same goes for our dating partners – we love to get those texts that let us know the other person is thinking of us. But some dating partners take texting to a whole other level to become possessive, controlling, and constantly wanting to keep tabs on you. These behaviors are so common in teen dating relationships, but they are also abusive: 1 in 3 teens is text messaged 10, 20, 30 times an hour by a dating partner who wants to know where they are, what they’re doing, who they’re with…(2007 survey, LoveisRespect.org).

more…

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Parents In Denial About Sexually Active Children


In an article from PsychCentral a new study from North Carolina State University shows that many parents think that their children aren’t interested in sex — but that everyone else’s kids are.

The article suggests that many parents have certain beliefs about adolescent sexual behavior that may be, albeit unintentionally, reinforcing certain stereotypes that shape the sexual behavior of their kids.

You can read the full article here.

We want to know more about the stereotypes you hold about teen sexual behavior.  What are the beliefs you have and how did you develop them?  We also want to know if you think they contribute to adolescent sexual behaviors?

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10 Things You Need To Know About Date Rape


  1. Date Rape is forced or coerced sex between; partners, dates, friends, friends of friends or general acquaintances.
  2. Date Rape can be coerced both physically and emotionally – some emotional tactics include; threats to reputation, threats to not like you, name calling, saying you “brought it on” or “really want it”, threats to break up and threats to say you did it even if you didn’t.
  3. If a person has had too much to drink or is on drugs they can not consent to sex and having sex with them is legally rape.
  4. There are certain date rape drugs that render the victim unconscious and limit memory; using these drugs on somebody carries a harsher penalties than date rape and is a federal crime with a possible 20 year sentence. (See: 1996 Drug-Induced Rape Prevention and Punishment Act)
  5. Rohypnol, GHB, ActiveSeX, Roofies, Ruffies, Roche, R-2, Rib and Rope are all names describing a date rape drug. These drugs are odorless and tasteless and difficult to detect when in drinks or mixed with other drugs.
  6. Date rape drugs may be difficult to trace but evidence of intercourse is not, and in cases where use of these drugs is suspected evidence of rape standards are lower.
  7. If you don’t want to have sex, say NO like you mean it and fight it off if you have to – despite urban myths, people who fight off a rapist are more likely to stop the rape.
  8. Date Rape is the most common form of rape (78%) with 1 in 4 girls expected to fall victim to rape or attempted rape before they reach 25, and 3 out of 5 rapes occuring before a woman reaches age 18.
  9. Although girls are more often victims of rape, guys are not safe – they can be raped too.
  10. NO MEANS NO! If a person says no to sex (no matter how quietly or unconvincingly) and you go ahead with it anyway, that is rape.
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