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Sexual Abuse

The Art of Connecting with Kids on the Fringe


After a workshop I facilitated on working with kids who have been abused, an elderly woman approached me to ask me a question.  She shocked me with the simplicity and depth of the question.  Here’s what she said,

“I love the kids in my community but I don’t know how to connect with the.  I want to reach out but don’t know where to start.  How do you do it?”

I can’t really remember what I told her, probably an overly simplified answer.  I never thought about it to be honest.  I just did what felt natural when reaching out to others.  Plus, I have the added benefit of being pretty simple, if I didn’t know someone I would just introduce myself and talk to them.  It wasn’t until I talked to my wife that she opened my eyes to the idea that for some this comes easy.  For others though it is an anxiety inducing event.  Imaging, you long to reach out to this generation, a generation that is slipping through the cracks right before your very eyes, but the words escape you when needed.  You don’t know how to connect beyond a simple “Hello, how are you today?”

My wife and I talked about this for several hours over the next few days.  We explored what is involved in connecting with these kids that seemed so different from us.  Asking me how I connect with fringe kids is like asking a fish to describe water.  I spend so much time out there on the fringe that it has become normal.   I have developed, over the years, skills to navigate those waters.  But many others haven’t and don’t know where to start.  That’s what this series in aimed at doing, equipping willing adults to connect with a generation where the gap is ever increasing.  Our thoughts are not exhaustive and it is my hope that other voices will chime in with their experience, wisdom, and insight.

We will cover the following over the next several weeks:

  • Bridge Building – How to make that initial contact in a meaningful way?
  • Cultivating a spirit of learning – Curiosity is key in connecting with others.  How do we foster a spirit of curiosity?
  • Law of the Lid – We will explore our preconceived expectations of these fringe kids and how they impede our interactions with them.
  • The Culture of an Individual – Each student is a culture unto themselves.  We will discuss how to explore that culture as it relates to effectively ministering to them.
  • Doing away with my Agenda – How my agenda actually breeds a distrust that is nearly impossible to overcome.
  • What is our Purpose of our Interactions – Moving from meaningless to Meaningful interactions.
  • Checking our Personal Bias at the Door – Often our personal biases impact how well we connect with others, especially those different than us.
  • Finding Common Ground – Discovering shared experiences, dreams, fear, and failures.
  • What is being said without Words – What story are they telling with their clothes, hairstyle, and nonverbal communication.

I hope you will contribute to this discussion because at the end of the day it will close the gap between us and the adolescents that reside in the world beneath…

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Sex and Violence in Youth Ministry


In today’s urban dating culture many express how frustrating and unsatisfied they are because dating patterns encourage young men to be aggressive and young women to be accommodating.

Unfortunately, sex and violence are so intertwined for men that an easy separation is impossible.  Violence is constantly glamorized and sexualized in the urban culture.  The multibillion-dollar pornography industry is the clearest example of how we learn that power and control are tied to sexual arousal.  Even in children’s comic books, popular music and videos, and magazine advertisements, we are constantly reminded that dominating and subduing women is sexy and arousing.  The primary message young men receive is that having sexual access to women and having someone sexually vulnerable to you are the quintessential signs of male power, the epitome of success.  Women are constantly shown accompanying other signs of male power and success, such as fast cars, fancy stereos, money, and guns.

Some of these images portray the women as protesting vigorously at first, then finally giving up and enjoying sex.  In this way young men are taught that women are somehow turned on by the aggression displayed by men.  They may protest or say no at first to protect their reputation, but when they relax and enjoy it, they will grow aroused by the man’s aggression.  If they don’t, then there is something wrong with them.

The result of this training is that men are given permission to use sexual aggression to control women, to deny what they’re doing and then assert that it’s no big deal anyway.  If this goes on long enough it soon becomes the norm.  Young men assume this is the way relations between men and women are naturally.  If there is any guilt or remorse, the young women gets the blame.

  • She’s a tease
  • She’s frigid
  • She’s too emotional
  • She shouldn’t have said that
  • She knew that would make me angry
  • She asked for it
  • She said no but she meant yes
  • If she didn’t want it she wouldn’t dress like that

There are so many layers of aggression, blame, and denial that there is no way for young men to see the impact their thoughts and behaviors have on the women around them.  We can even use the Scriptures to reinforce these ideas that women are inferior, further damaging the inherent dignity and value each young woman has, leading to a fractured image of who she was created to be by God.

  • What role does the church/your ministry have in (inadvertently) reinforcing these false beliefs?
  • When was the last time you had a conversation about male gender training with the young men in your ministry?
  • What are new values/beliefs that need to be taught from Scripture to replace old, harmful beliefs?
  • How can we affirm young males without encouraging male privilege?
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Self-Mutilation in Abuse Survivors


One of the ironies of surviving abuse is that victims might further harm themselves.  Self-mutilation includes; burning, hitting, cutting, excessive scratching, using harsh abrasives on skin or scalp, poking sharp objects into flesh, head banging, pulling out hair or eyebrows for noncosmetic purposes, inserting objects into body orifices, excessive fasting, self-surgery, excessive tattooing or piercing, or refusing needed medication.  This seems like such a paradox.  Why in the world would those who are already in intense pain further injure themselves?  It seems to make no sense, yet it does.  Most often, it follows a history of protracted childhood trauma (such as physical and/or sexual abuse), not a single exposure.  The person harms himself/herself in response to overwhelming, dissociated pain.  At least sixteen reasons account for this complex behavior.  Self-mutilation:

  1. Expresses pain that can’t be verbalized.  It can be expected when the abused child was told to keep the offense a secret, or when the abuse happened before the child learned to talk.  The nonverbal outcry says, “Something terrible has happened.”  It may be a plea for help.
  2. Attempts to convert emotional pain to physical pain.  Physical pain can be localized, displaced, and released, providing temporary distraction from psychic pain.
  3. Paradoxically relieves pain.  Stress triggers natural pain killers in the brain, temporarily easing psychic and physical pain.  This so-called stress-induced analgesia might also help explain victims become addicted to trauma-related stimuli.
  4. Is a way to feel alive.  Numbing and dissociation feel dead.  Perhaps feeling pain is better than feeling nothing.  Physical pain grounds one in reality and counters dissociation.  It returns focus to the present, providing relief from intrusion.  Some people report that blood provides a soothing, warm sensation that relieves stress and reminds them they are still alive.
  5. Provides an illusory sense of power, a sense of mastery and control of pain.  Reversing roles and assuming the role of offender, the person might think, “This time when I am hurt, I am on the controlling end.  I can determine when the pain begins and ends.”
  6. attempts to complete the incompleted.  The idea of repetition compulsion states that we repeat what we’ve experienced until we’ve completed old business – processing it and learning it and learning a better way.  Unfortunately, simply reenacting the abuse doesn’t change the trauma material.  Complete processing of the material does.
  7. Is a way to contain aggressive tendencies and pain.  The person thinks, “If I discharge my anger and hurt on myself, then I won’t hurt anybody else.”  Maybe it is the only way to stop anger, at least for a time.  Learning constructive ways to express emotions is the antidote for this approach.
  8. Vents powerful emotions that cannot be venter directly.  (e.g., I can’t rage at the powerful perpetrator, so I vent on myself instead).
  9. Makes the body unattractive to spare further abuse.  This harmful defense makes sense to a child who was powerless to stop sexual abuse.  Excessive thinness or weight might accomplish a similar purpose.
  10. Might become associated with pleasant moments.  Following abuse, some abusers become remorseful, attentive, and loving for a time.  Thus, the victims might be conditioned to think that pain signals the beginning of good times.
  11. Imitates what the child has seen.  Children naturally imitate behavior that is modeled by adults.  They learn to abuse if their parents are abusing, just as they will learn kindness if the parents model that.
  12. Can be an attempt to attach to parents.  Children have a deep need to attach to parents, even if they are rejecting.  In order to gain the abusive parent’s approval, the child might internalize his or her punishing attitudes.  The child’s thinking might be, “I’ll show I’m good and devoted to Mom by doing what she does to me.”  This makes more sense when we realize that abusers often isolate the victims, making them more dependent on them for approval.  Need for approval causes the victim to identify with the aggressor.  A child might confuse abuse with emotional closeness, especially if abuse was the only form of attention the parent showed.  The child might think, “If I keep hurting myself, eventually they will love me.”
  13. Can mark a return to the familiar, understandable past.  The child thinks, “I don’t understand loving, soothing behavior, but I do understand pain.  It doe not always feel good, but at least it is predictable.”
  14. Is consistent with one’s view of self.  People treat themselves consistent with their self image.  Abuse teaches the victim, “I’m worthless, bad, no good, an object – so it makes sense to treat myself like an object.”  Self-punishment consistently follows from feeling blameworthy, bad, or inadequate.
  15. Is consistent with one’s view of a maimed world and a nonexistent future.
  16. May ensure safety if it results in hospitalization. 

The fact that a young person hurts themself does not mean they are insane.  They are simply repeating what they learned to cope with intolerable pain.  As they learn productive ways to meet their needs they will no longer need to do this.

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Myths About Child Abuse And Neglect


Child abuse is more than bruises or broken bones. While physical abuse is shocking due to the scars it leaves, not all child abuse is as obvious. Ignoring children’s needs, putting them in unsupervised, dangerous situations, or making a child feel worthless or stupid are also child abuse. Regardless of the type of child abuse, the result is serious emotional harm.

MYTH #1: It’s only abuse if it’s violent.

Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Neglect and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and since they are more subtle, others are less likely to intervene. .

MYTH #2: Only bad people abuse their children.

Fact: While it’s easy to say that only “bad people” abuse their children, it’s not always so black and white. Not all abusers are intentionally harming their children. Many have been victims of abuse themselves, and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with mental health issues or a substance abuse problem.

MYTH #3: Child abuse doesn’t happen in “good” families.

Fact: Child abuse doesn’t only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. It crosses all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story behind closed doors.

MYTH #4: Most child abusers are strangers.

Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family

MYTH #5: Abused children always grow up to be abusers.

Fact: It is true that abused children are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children. On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent parents.

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Constance – Mr. J. Medeiros


We know this video was released a couple years ago but it warrants being recycled every now and again because of the powerful message it has.

WARNING:  The content of this video addresses themes of pornography and the internet.  It is useful for beginning discussion with you teens on the long reaching effects of pornography.

Next time you’re tempted to click…remember.

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Parents In Denial About Sexually Active Children


In an article from PsychCentral a new study from North Carolina State University shows that many parents think that their children aren’t interested in sex — but that everyone else’s kids are.

The article suggests that many parents have certain beliefs about adolescent sexual behavior that may be, albeit unintentionally, reinforcing certain stereotypes that shape the sexual behavior of their kids.

You can read the full article here.

We want to know more about the stereotypes you hold about teen sexual behavior.  What are the beliefs you have and how did you develop them?  We also want to know if you think they contribute to adolescent sexual behaviors?

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10 Things You Need To Know About Date Rape


  1. Date Rape is forced or coerced sex between; partners, dates, friends, friends of friends or general acquaintances.
  2. Date Rape can be coerced both physically and emotionally – some emotional tactics include; threats to reputation, threats to not like you, name calling, saying you “brought it on” or “really want it”, threats to break up and threats to say you did it even if you didn’t.
  3. If a person has had too much to drink or is on drugs they can not consent to sex and having sex with them is legally rape.
  4. There are certain date rape drugs that render the victim unconscious and limit memory; using these drugs on somebody carries a harsher penalties than date rape and is a federal crime with a possible 20 year sentence. (See: 1996 Drug-Induced Rape Prevention and Punishment Act)
  5. Rohypnol, GHB, ActiveSeX, Roofies, Ruffies, Roche, R-2, Rib and Rope are all names describing a date rape drug. These drugs are odorless and tasteless and difficult to detect when in drinks or mixed with other drugs.
  6. Date rape drugs may be difficult to trace but evidence of intercourse is not, and in cases where use of these drugs is suspected evidence of rape standards are lower.
  7. If you don’t want to have sex, say NO like you mean it and fight it off if you have to – despite urban myths, people who fight off a rapist are more likely to stop the rape.
  8. Date Rape is the most common form of rape (78%) with 1 in 4 girls expected to fall victim to rape or attempted rape before they reach 25, and 3 out of 5 rapes occuring before a woman reaches age 18.
  9. Although girls are more often victims of rape, guys are not safe – they can be raped too.
  10. NO MEANS NO! If a person says no to sex (no matter how quietly or unconvincingly) and you go ahead with it anyway, that is rape.
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The State of Male Adolescence Today


Statistics and stories about our homicidal adolescent males are dramatic enough to garner most of the headlines; the fourteen-year old in Mississippi who killed two children and wounded seven; the fourteen- year old in Kentucky who shot three dead; the thirteen-year old in Washington who opened fire in his school and killed three; the eleven and thirteen-year olds who killed five on Jonesboro, Arkansas.  But they don’t describe the whole picture.  It seems impossible for us to fully comprehend the state of male adolescence in our culture, yet it is essential we do so.  There is hardly any social or personal health indicator in which adolescent boys do not show the lion’s share of risk today.  The following show just some of the areas of distress experienced by adolescent males as a group.  You likely know such boys.  Your family life, your business, your neighborhood, your school and your ministries have met them and been affected by them for years.

The Declining Safety of Our Adolescent Boys

  • Boys are significantly more likely than girls to die before the age of eighteen, not just from violent causes but also from accidental death and disease.
  • Boys are significantly more likely than girls to die at the hands of their caregivers.  Two out of three juveniles killed at the hands of their parents or stepparents are male.
  • Boys are fifteen times as likely as peer females to be the victims of violent crime.
  • One-third of male students nationwide carry a gun or other weapon to school.
  • Gunshot wounds are now the second leading cause of accidental death among ten – fourteen-year old males.

The Mental Health of Adolescent Boys

  • Boys are four times more likely than girls to be diagnosed as emotionally disturbed.
  • The majority of juvenile mental patients nationwide are males.  Depending on the state, most often between two-thirds and three-fourths of patients at juvenile mental health facilities are male.
  • Most of the deadliest and longest lasting mental health problems experienced by children are experienced by males.  For example, there are six male adolescent schizophrenics for every one female.  Adolescent autistics out-number females two to one.
  • Adolescent males significantly out-number females in diagnoses of conduct disorders, thought disorders, and brain disorders.

Drug, Alcohol, and the Depression Link

Depression in males has often been overlooked because we don’t recognize the male’s way of expressing depression.  We measure depression by the female’s model of “overt depression”.  She talks about suicide, expresses feelings of worthlessness, shows her fatigue, and is overall more expressive about her emotional state.  Unaware of the male’s less expressive, more stoic way of being, we miss the evidence of drug and alcohol abuse, criminal activity, avoidance of intimacy, and isolation from others, especially family.

Suicide

  • Adolescent males are four times more likely than girls to commit suicide.  Suicide success statistics (i.e., death actually occurs) for adolescent males are rising; suicide success statistics for girls are not.

This statistic is one of the most startling to health professionals not just because lives are lost but because it indicates dramatically how much trouble adolescent males are in and the degree to which adolescent male mental illness is increasing.

Body Image

Steroid use among adolescent boys is now on par with their use of crack cocaine.  Consequences of steroid use range from increased rage to early death.

Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD)

This brain disorder, like so many others, is almost exclusively a male disorder.  Only one out of six adolescents diagnosed with ADHD is female.

ADHD is one of the reasons for the high rate of adolescent male vehicle accidents and fatalities.  Adolescents with a history of ADHD (or, in fact, any conduct disorder) are significantly more likely to commit traffic offenses and be in accidents.

Sexual Abuse

One out of five males has been sexually abused by the age of eighteen.  Most of our sexual offenders are heterosexual males who have been physically and/or sexually abused as boys themselves.  These numbers should frighten us terribly.  A sexually abuse adolescent male is more likely than his female counterpart to act out against someone else, generally someone younger and weaker than himself, through rape, physical violence, and sexual molestation.

Questions:

The basic fragility of the male self becomes increasingly clear when we see beyond the terrible and reprehensible acts and the internal histories that led up to them; we begin to understand the process to the product.  We are dealing with adolescent males who broke down internally and had no resources to repair the internal damage to their fragile structures.

  1. What are the criteria for masculinity that adolescent boys are expected to meet?
  2. What price do adolescent boys pay for adherence to male gender roles?
  3. Compare the attainment of masculinity for boys with the attainment of femininity for girls.  Which has more advantages?  More adverse outcomes?
  4. What have we overlooked the drop in worth/value that occurs for boys during adolescence?  How do we contribute to their perceived lack of worth/value?
  5. How can, not just our youth ministries, come alongside of our young boys, but how can the entire body embrace our adolescent males better?

References

Pollock, W. (1998).  Real Boys.  New York: Henry Holt

Thompson, M., & Kindlon, D. (1999) Rasing Cain.  New York: Ballantine

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