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Compassion Fatigue in Youth Ministry


Compassion Fatigue affects a broad range of health care professionals as well as others who provide a myriad of listening and support services.  This condition occurs when professionals, family, friends, or caregivers are continually exposed to extreme emotional circumstances wither directly or indirectly, in an attempt to treat or support those they serve.

Because the effects of compassion fatigue are cumulative, caregivers may be unaware of this syndrome’s ability to rob them of their energy, vitality, and resiliency.  The pervasiveness of this phenomenon places those in the helping/serving professions at high-risk of sacrificing their own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being on the altars of compassion.

The term Compassion Fatigue differs from the term Burnout in that it concentrates on the transfer of emotions from the primary source to a secondary one.   Whereas burnout that physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion is caused by a depletion of the ability to cope with one’s environment.

Examples of Compassion Fatigue Burnout Symptoms

Cognitive

Lowered concentration, decreased self-esteem, apathy, rigidity, disorientation, perfectionism, minimization, preoccupation with trauma, thoughts of self-harm or harm to others

Emotional

Powerlessness, anxiety, guilt, anger/rage, survivor guilt, shutdown, numbness, fear, helplessness, sadness, depression, emotional rollercoaster, depleted, overly sensitive

Behavioral

Impatient, irritable, withdrawn, moody, regression, sleep disturbance, nightmares, appetite changes, hypervigilance, elevated startle response, accident proneness, losing things

Spiritual

Questioning the meaning of life, loss of purpose, lack of peace, pervasive hopelessness, anger at God, questioning long held convictions/beliefs, loss of faith, increasing skepticism about religion

Personal Relations

Withdrawal, decreased interest in intimacy or sex, mistrust, isolation from others, over-protection as a parent, projection of anger or blame, intolerance, loneliness, increased interpersonal conflicts

Somatic

Shock, sweating, rapid heartbeat, breathing difficulties, aches and pains, dizziness, increased number and intensity of medical problems, other somatic complaints, impaired immune system

Work Performance

Low morale, low motivation, avoiding tasks, obsession about details, apathy, negativity, lack of appreciation, detachment, poor work commitments, staff conflicts, absenteeism, exhaustion, irritability, withdrawal from colleagues

Any of these symptoms could be signaling the onset or presence of compassion Fatigue.  If you think you may suffer from Compassion Fatigue you can take and online Compassion Fatigue Test that will help you determine if you need help.

3

Transference in Youth Ministry


To many parents in the pew, the youth pastor represents the “authority and will of God. Wherever you have an authority role, a very specific kind of transference happens. The “role” of pastor, not the “person,” but the “role” encourages a complex set of transference reactions.

Students and parents tend to  idealize you and then “transfer” to you their unmet dependency needs that they carry over with them. You become the good loving parent they never had. You become “Better than… Purer than… Kinder than… Gentler than… .” The youth pastor, being the human being that he/she is, will sooner or later disappoint people, who in their disillusionment will begin to turn on their leader who failed to meet their needs after all.

A search of youth ministry want ads will often reveal the list of the church’s priorities for a new youth minister. At the top of their list is usually something like this: “A person who will meet the spiritual needs of our youth.” At first glance, this looks fine, but look more closely. No human being would be equal to the task, because God alone can meet spiritual needs. The task of the minister is to point people toward this Source. Whether they choose to draw from their Source is beyond the minister’s control. Problems come… from expectations youth pastors or volunteer leaders — perhaps because of their perceived association with God — can do superhuman things…Congregations can put unreal expectations on the staff, when there is not a legitimate way for them to respond to concerns without appearing to want to hit back.”

Congregations cannot stand too much transparency, because they [have a need to] idealize you. They cannot relate to you as human… It is not so much you as a person, but the role you play.  When you step out of the role, you immediately start to get into trouble. Things fall apart. The youth pastor has a relationship of power. You can only “resolve” the transference by stepping out of the pastoral role, but you do that at the peril of the pastoral/congregational relationship.  In one-on-one counseling relationships, where transference inevitably occurs as well, the goal of therapy is ultimately to resolve the transference, by enabling the client to begin to assume responsibility for his/her own dependency needs. One wonders how a congregation of families that transfers its collective needs onto one youth pastor or volunteer staff, can ever grow into wholeness and maturity — if the transference can never be resolved.

Do you see transference in your ministry?  From students?  Parents?  Other staff?

Do you struggle to set boundaries or communicate regarding healthy expectations?

Do you recognize countertransference in yourself?  Are you trying to “fix” students to “fix” yourself?

Are you living vicariously through the students you serve?  Attempting to relive or capture a lost part of your adolescent experience?

If you answer yes to any of the above you may be experiencing transference or countertransference and they can get in the way of your usefulness to God and others.  Explore with your staff the expectations and boundaries that either exist or need to exist to protect you from what Adam at adammclane.com writes about here.

Transference leads to burnout.  Countertransference can lead to deeper problems.  If you think you struggle with either talk to you senior pastor and decide together how to best address these problems.  You may even have to make the difficult decision to take time off to gain perspective.

This is not to say that we need to be without blemish before we can serve in the Kingdom.  To the contrary, we need to understand our own brokenness to be truly effective.  But that brokenness cannot cloud our judgment when leading others.

0

Common Conflict Resolution Mistakes


Conventional wisdom (and research) says that good communication can improve relationships, increasing intimacy, trust and support. The converse is also true: poor communication can weaken bonds, creating mistrust and even contempt! The Scriptures also tell us that it is wise to be slow to speak and quick to listen.  Here are some examples of negative and even destructive attitudes and communication patterns that can exacerbate conflict in a relationship. How many of these sounds like something you’d do?

1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether:

Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just don’t say anything to their partner until they’re ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. This seems to be the less stressful route—avoiding an argument altogether—but usually causes more stress to both parties, as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results. It’s much healthier to address and resolve conflict.

2. Being Defensive:

Rather than addressing a partner’s complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand the other person’s point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term problems when partners don’t feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow.

3. Overgeneralizing:

When something happens that they don’t like, some blow it out of proportion by making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, “You always…” and “You never…” as in, “You always come home late!” or “You never do what I want to do!” Stop and think about whether or not this is really true. Also, don’t bring up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic and stir up more negativity. This stands in the way of true conflict resolution, and increases the level of conflict.

4. Being Right:

It’s damaging to decide that there’s a ‘right’ way to look at things and a ‘wrong’ way to look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don’t demand that your partner see things the same way, and don’t take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there’s not always a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’, and that two points of view can both be valid.

5. “Psychoanalyzing” / Mind-Reading:

Instead of asking about their partner’s thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they ‘know’ what their partners are thinking and feeling based only on faulty interpretations of their actions—and always assume it’s negative! (For example, deciding a late mate doesn’t care enough to be on time, or that a tired partner is denying sex out of passive-aggressiveness.) This creates hostility and misunderstandings.

 6. Forgetting to Listen:

Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they’re going to say next instead of truly listening and attempting to understand their partner. This keeps you from seeing their point of view, and keeps your partner from wanting to see yours! Don’t underestimate the importance of really listening and empathizing with the other person!

7. Playing the Blame Game:

Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other person for the situation. They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being ‘at fault’. Instead, try to view conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties and come up with a solution that helps you both.

8. Trying to ‘Win’ the Argument:

I love it when Dr. Phil says that if people are focused on ‘winning’ the argument, “the relationship loses”! The point of a relationship discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that respects everyone’s needs. If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, you’re focused in the wrong direction!

9. Making Character Attacks:

Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. (For example, if a husband leaves his socks lying around, looking it as a character flaw and label him ‘inconsiderate and lazy’, or, if a woman wants to discuss a problem with the relationship, labeling her ‘needy’, ‘controlling’ or ‘too demanding’.) This creates negative perceptions on both sides. Remember to respect the person, even if you don’t like the behavior.

10. Stonewalling:

When one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship, sometimes people defensively stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to their partner. These shows disrespect and, in certain situations, even contempt, while at the same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard feelings and damages relationships. It’s much better to listen and discuss things in a respectful manner.

0

Ten Strategies for Working with Boys


Research from Nancy Bayley’s at UCLA showed that for boys more than girls there is indeed a direct link to learning difficulties when early childhood touch and attachment doesn’t occur or occurs inconsistently.  In her study, boys who experienced insecure attachment as infants tested out lower in adolescent intellectual skills than girls who did not receive secure attachment.  Although girls can end up with severe problems or diseases, the effect of lack of early attachment is harsher on the learning brains” of boys.  This does not negate the vulnerability of girl but only highlights the vulnerability of boys.

In all this, the bottom line is, often we receive damaged goods into our care.  Michael Gurian, of the Gurian Institute has developed in conjunction with Pat Crum, the director of the Family Nurturing Center of Michigan ten key strategies to promote attachment in boys, which in turn enables an adolescent male to master necessary life skills.

  1. Bursts of Attention – Offer at least five long bursts – many minutes at a time – and many shorter, intermittent periods of undivided attention throughout every day.
  2. Lots of Affirmation – Notice and support the young boy’s efforts and accomplishments verbally and, when appropriate, with other rewards, including physical hugs.
  3. Verbal Mirroring – Describe in words back to the boy what he is doing, “I like how you just put that book back on the shelf.”
  4. Physical Play – Because play is organic learning time for the body and brain, engage in play with boys a number of times per day.
  5. Leadership – In work and play relationships, let boys take the lead as much as you lead him.
  6. Enthusiasm – Infuse your interaction with joy, enthusiasm, and the pleasure of being together.  Find things to do that inspire him and provide an outlet for his often untamed passion.
  7. Predictability – Provide consistent, predictable structure and clear limits.
  8. Self-Management – Implement behavior management strategies that are based on the boy’s developmental stage.  Many adolescent males have not yet developed their cognitive processes that guide decision making.  Understanding this prevents unrealistic expectations.
  9. Choice-Making – Teach boys to make acceptable decisions.  Making the right choice builds that crucial learning center in the brain – the frontal lobe.  Do as little “for” the boy as you can, making him do as much for himself as he can.
  10. Appropriate Discipline – Avoid behavior management strategies designed to frighten boys into right behavior.  If punitive threat worked there would be no repeat offenders in our jails today.  And, often, all that a boy learns from punishment is that he’s a failure.  Identifying his reward system (what motivates him) is a better approach to making lasting change in behavior.

While this is pretty straight forward behavioral stuff there’s a lot of value in the above ten suggestions.  While they are based in science they do not take into account the activity of the Holy Spirit dwelling inside our boys.  This doe not mean they are contradictory, it does mean that there is a variable that we can’t predict or control.  We must add one more important strategy to this list for us to maintain fidelity to our calling; teaching boys to discern the leadings of the Spirit.

If we do all of the above our boys will pray, play and obey in a way that makes a lasting difference in their lives, in our lives, and in the world that they live in.

2

Listening 101


Listening is such an important skill, especially when working with adolescents.  But, it’s a skill that isn’t often developed intentionally.  Some of us come by the gift naturally but others really struggle to truly listen to what young people are trying to say.  Good listening is not a passive activity.  The following is a crash course in active listening.  By using the following skills the listener will increase their capacity to discern underlying conditions, increase in empathy, and be able to assure the speaker that at least one person is really hearing their plight.

Attending

A: Eye contact
B: Posture
C: Gesture

S.O.L.E.R.

Five steps to attentive listening

Squarely face the person
Open your posture
Lean towards the sender
Eye contact maintained
Relax while attending

Paraphrasing

What is it: Restating a message, but usually with fewer words. Where possible try and get more to the point.

Purpose:

  1. To test your understanding of what you heard.
  2. To communicate that you are trying to understand what is being said. If you’re successful, paraphrasing indicates that you are following the speaker’s verbal explorations and that you’re beginning to understand the basic message.

When listening consider asking yourself:

  • What is the speaker’s basic thinking message
  • What is the person’s basic feeling message

E.g. – S: I just don’t understand, one minute she tells me to do this, and the next minute to do that.
X: She really confuses you.
S: I really think he is a very nice guy. He’s so thoughtful, sensitive, and kind. He calls me a lot. He’s fun to go out with.
X: You like him very much, then.

 

Clarifying

What is it: Process of bringing vague material into sharper focus.

Purpose:

  • To untangle unclear or wrong listener interpretation.
  • To get more information
  • To help the speaker see other points of view
  • To identify what was said

e.g. – I’m confused, let me try to state what I think you were trying to say.

You’ve said so much; let me see if I’ve got it all.

Perception Checking

What is it: Request for verification of your perceptions.

Purpose:

  1. To give and receive feedback
  2. To check out your assumptions

e.g. – Let me see if I’ve got it straight. You said that you love your parents and that they are very important to you. At the same time you can’t stand being with them. Is that what you are saying?

Summarizing

What is it: pulling together, organizing, and integrating the major aspects of your dialogue. Pay attention to various themes and emotional overtones. Put key ideas and feelings into broad statements. DO NOT add new ideas.

Purpose:

  • To give a sense of movement and accomplishment in the exchange
  • To establish a basis for further discussion.
  • Pull together major ideas, facts, and feelings

e.g. – A number of good points have been made about rules for the classroom. Let’s take a few minutes to go over them and write them on the board.
We’re going all over the map this morning. If I understand you correctly, the three major points of the story are…

 

Primary Empathy

What is it: Reflection of content and feelings. 

Purpose:

  1. To show that you’re understanding the speaker’s experience
  2. To allow the speaker to evaluate his/her feelings after hearing them expressed by someone else

Basic Formula:

You feel (state feeling) because (state content)

e.g. – Student: I just don’t know how I am going to get all this math homework done before tonight’s game especially since I don’t get most of this stuff you taught us today.

Teacher: You are feeling frustrated and stuck…You are feeling frustrated and stuck with math you don’t know how to do and you’re worried that you won’t figure it out before you go to the game.

The main fear for you seems to be fear of loss — you’re really scared of losing your relationships if you continue struggling with math because it will consume most of your time to work on it.

It’s upsetting when someone doesn’t let you tell your side of the story.

Advanced Empathy

What is it: reflection of content and feeling at a deeper level.

Purpose: To try and get an understanding of what may be deeper feelings

e.g. – I get the sense that you are really angry about what was said, but I am wondering if you also feel a little hurt by it.

You said that you feel more confident about contacting employers, but I wonder if you also still feel a bit scared.

2

Sleep Hygiene (youth pastor life skills series pt. 1)


Poor sleep habits (referred to as hygiene) are among the most common problems encountered in our society. We stay up too late and get up too early. We interrupt our sleep with drugs, chemicals and work, and we overstimulate ourselves with late-night activities such as television. Good sleep habits is a must for anyone trying to avoid burnout and maintain overall wellness.

Below are some essentials of good sleep habits. Many of these points will seem like common sense. But it is surprising how many of these important points are ignored by many of us.

• Your Personal Habits

• Your Sleeping Environment

• Getting Ready For Bed

• Getting Up in the Middle of the Night

• A Word About Television

• Other Factors

Your Personal Habits

• Fix a bedtime and an awakening time. Do not be one of those people who allow bedtime and awakening time to drift. The body “gets used” to falling asleep at a certain time, but only if this is relatively fixed. Even if you are retired or not working, this is an essential component of good sleeping habits.

• Avoid napping during the day. If you nap throughout the day, it is no wonder that you will not be able to sleep at night. The late afternoon for most people is a “sleepy time.” Many people will take a nap at that time. This is generally not a bad thing to do, provided you limit the nap to 30-45 minutes and can sleep well at night.

• Avoid alcohol 4-6 hours before bedtime. Many people believe that alcohol helps them sleep. While alcohol has an immediate sleep-inducing effect, a few hours later as the alcohol levels in your blood start to fall, there is a stimulant or wake-up effect.

• Avoid caffeine 4-6 hours before bedtime. This includes caffeinated beverages such as coffee, tea and many sodas, as well as chocolate, so be careful.

• Avoid heavy, spicy, or sugary foods 4-6 hours before bedtime. These can affect your ability to stay asleep.

• Exercise regularly, but not right before bed. Regular exercise, particularly in the afternoon, can help deepen sleep. Strenuous exercise within the 2 hours before bedtime, however, can decrease your ability to fall asleep.

Your Sleeping Environment

• Use comfortable bedding. Uncomfortable bedding can prevent good sleep. Evaluate whether or not this is a source of your problem, and make appropriate changes.

• Find a comfortable temperature setting for sleeping and keep the room well ventilated. If your bedroom is too cold or too hot, it can keep you awake. A cool (not cold) bedroom is often the most conducive to sleep.

• Block out all distracting noise, and eliminate as much light as possible.

• Reserve the bed for sleep. Don’t use the bed as an office, workroom or recreation room. Let your body “know” that the bed is associated with sleeping.

Getting Ready For Bed

• Try a light snack before bed. Warm milk and foods high in the amino acid tryptophan, such as bananas, may help you to sleep.

• Practice relaxation techniques before bed. Relaxation techniques such as yoga, deep breathing and others may help relieve anxiety and reduce muscle tension.

• Don’t take your worries to bed. Leave your worries about job, school, daily life, etc., behind when you go to bed. Some people find it useful to assign a “worry period” during the evening or late afternoon to deal with these issues. Learn to manage your worries through effective prayer.

• Establish a pre-sleep ritual. Pre-sleep rituals, such as a warm bath or a few minutes of reading, can help you sleep.

• Get into your favorite sleeping position. If you don’t fall asleep within 15-30 minutes, get up, go into another room, and read until sleepy.

Getting Up in the Middle of the Night

Most people wake up one or two times a night for various reasons. If you find that you get up in the middle of night and cannot get back to sleep within 15-20 minutes, then do not remain in the bed “trying hard” to sleep. Get out of bed. Leave the bedroom. Read, have a light snack, do some quiet activity, or take a bath. You will generally find that you can get back to sleep 20 minutes or so later. Do not perform challenging or engaging activity such as office work, housework, etc. Do not watch television.

A Word About Television

Many people fall asleep with the television on in their room. Watching television before bedtime is often a bad idea. Television is a very engaging medium that tends to keep people up. We generally recommend that the television not be in the bedroom. At the appropriate bedtime, the TV should be turned off and the patient should go to bed. Some people find that the radio helps them go to sleep. Since radio is a less engaging medium than TV, this is probably a good idea but watch the kind of music you listen to and how loud the volume is. Slipknot is not good music to fall asleep to.

Other Factors

• Several physical factors are known to upset sleep. These include arthritis, acid reflux with heartburn, menstruation, headaches and hot flashes.

• Psychological and mental health problems like depression, anxiety and stress are often associated with sleeping difficulty. In many cases, difficulty staying asleep may be the only presenting sign of depression. A physician should be consulted about these issues to help determine the problem and the best treatment.

• Many medications can cause sleeplessness as a side effect. Ask your doctor or pharmacist if medications you are taking can lead to sleeplessness.

• To help overall improvement in sleep patterns, your doctor may prescribe sleep medications for short-term relief of a sleep problem. The decision to take sleeping aids is a medical one to be made in the context of your overall health picture.

• Always follow the advice of your physician and other healthcare professionals. The goal is to rediscover how to sleep naturally and get the rest God intended us to have.

2

Humor


“I’m a lesbian.” she said.  She chose to self-disclose right in the middle of a youth group gathering.  She just dropped a big elephant right in the center of the group.  We were rocked.  Moments before we were discussing the importance of being transparent with each other.  God has a funny sense of humor.  The silence was awkward and uncomfortable at best.  Those word just hung there in mid air, waiting for a response.

It was then that Josh, our student with down syndrome, shouted, “Wrestlemania Baby!  Hulk-A-Mania’s gonna run wild on you!”

We lost it!  We all laughed so hard we couldn’t catch our breath.  After nearly ten minutes of this we finally composed ourselves.  We all needed a moment to gather our thoughts.  We needed time to let go of our fears and judgments.  We needed something to pop the tension.  We weren’t avoiding the elephant but we needed to come up for air, for this was a very vulnerable moment of self-revelation, that if handled wrong could have lasting negative effects.  Laughter, at that moment, was a gift from God.

By now the benefits of humor have been well documented.  Humor connects us to other humans, as we share a laugh over life’s absurd moments.  Like love, humor warmly surrounds us and soothes pain, making it more bearable.  When we can laugh at our problems, we gain distance, perspective, and a sense of mastery.  Humor says, “Things may suck right now, but that’s okay.  I might be a hot mess right now, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel.”  A humor break can recharge creative batteries.  In addition, laughter results in numerous beneficial effects on the body: relief from pain, cardiovascular conditioning, improved breathing, muscle relaxation, and improved immune system functioning.

Several cautions apply to humor as well.

  • The overuse of humor can be a form of avoidance, which can prevent one from processing pain.
  • Sarcasm or “put-down” humor is a thinly disguised form of hostility, and is rarely appropriate.  Humor, like sex, works best when surrounded by love.
  • Making light of someone’s pain can seem insensitive and can undermine trust.  Humor may require that a certain amount of healing has taken place.  It may be premature to try to get someone to laugh at intense pain.
  • Humor is NOT a panacea, not a substitute for therapy.

Given these precautions, these principles might help incorporate more humor into our lives.

  • Be willing to “Play the Fool” at times.  This openness undermines the rigid need to be legalistic and perfect.
  • Just be willing to play.  If we allow for unstructured downtime we invite spontaneity to play along with us.
  • Humor does not require that one be a stand-up comedian or a loud laugher.  A sense of humor includes simply being able to notice the incongruities of life with a light heart.
  • Humor is not an all-or-none skill.  A sense of humor is standard issue, and each person has the capacity to develop it over time.
  • Don’t be discouraged if not many things seem funny to you.  The work we do is often intense.  On any given day we could deal with deep emotional problems, intense relationships, demands of others, and the consequences of at-risk behaviors.  It’s hard to laugh when one is emotionally numb.  We can often become numb as a protective shield against life’s difficulties.  Instead, simply allow time for healing.  With time you’ll probably become open to humor at your own pace and in your own way.

Most of us in youth ministry are kind of screwy to begin with.  We have to be to do what we do for so little in return.  We’re already bent towards a wicked sense of humor but sometimes the daily grind of life and ministry can steal our laughter.

God promises us in Joel that “He will replace what the locusts have eaten.”  May He do that for you today.

2

To Be A Boy


When I pause and watch the teenage age boys in our community, and when I reflect on my own adolescent experience, I begin to understand the struggle that every boy confronts in his efforts to navigate adolescence.  He is faced with a complex set of internal demands: sexual drives, longing to give and receive love, the drive to prove his masculinity – and through it all he doesn’t want to get hurt or rejected.  This is a daunting emotional challenge, because each of these internal demands involves difficult obstacles and consequences if handled wrong.

Boys yearn for emotional connections, but they are allowed very little practice at it.  Most have spent a majority of their free time engaged in competitive games, trying to “man up” and prove themselves superior.  I still see constant teasing and “bashing” during their regular interactions.  As they get older, often the consumption of alcohol allows them a psuedo-sense of emotional connection.

Boys also long for an intimate connection between themselves and girls but developmentally lack the emotional language to connect in a meaningful way.  They often lack the ability to pick up on emotional cue and other non-verbal communications such as facial expressions or body-language.  This impedes their ability to empathetically connect with members of the opposite sex and since modern culture doesn’t encourage boys to cultivate empathy, they misread social and sexual cues from the girls.  This is obviously reiterated in the statement I hear regularly from these boys, “I just don’t understand girls”.  The natural follow statement to that is, “Screw it, let’s just go shoot hoops”, and they remain aloof, never learning to untangle the emotional ball of string they are presented with.

Whether boys become kind, devoted lovers and sexual partners, or heartless and exploitative, depends on the boy, his early experiences with gender roles, his social environment, the kind of “script” that is written for him by his family, peers, and the culture in which he lives.  From his earliest gender experiences, and the adolescent stirrings of lust and curiosity, a boy develops his own sense of what relationships and sexuality are all about.

Reference: Raising Cain by Dan Kindlon Ph.D & Michael Thompson Ph.D

We all play a role in shaping our young men and women.  If you don’t like what you see today we must first accept partial, if not total, responsibility for systematically abandoning them.  We have, in many cases, left them to figure out the adolescent journey by themselves. 

Here are some questions to wrestle with your teams/families.  How you answer them has potential consequences for the youth in your care.

  • Are there older men and women in your church that seek out young people, outside of  “programs”?
  • Are the youth in your community left to fend for themselves the other six days of the week?
  • Do you mainly use other young adults, often not much older than the youth themselves, to provide a majority of spiritual and life guidance?  What are the pro’s and con’s of doing this?
  • Has your pastor lifted up the value of the older generations pouring themselves into the younger generations?  Why or why not?
  • How does your church culture reinforce positive/negative gender stereotypes?
  • Is sexuality openly discussed in your current faith context?  Why or why not?
  • Does how you handle “sex and sexuality” in your church impact young people’s sexual behaviors?  How?
1

Stigma, Identity, and Risk in LGBT Youth


LGBT youth have the same developmental tasks as their heterosexual peers, but they also face additional challenges in learning to manage a stigmatized identity.  This extra burden puts LGBT youth at increased risk for substance abuse and unsafe sexual behaviors and can intensify psychological distress and risk for suicide.

Studies of more recent generations of lesbian and gay youth suggest that the period between becoming aware of same-sex attraction and self-identifying as lesbian or gay is much shorter that in previous generations exposing them to greater potential social stressors at important developmental stages. (see chart below)

Average Age (Years) Event Onset

Behavior/Identity

Earlier Studies*

 More Recent Studies**

Males

 Females Males

Females

First awareness of same-sex attraction

13

 14-16 9

10

First same-sex experience

 15 20 13-14

14-15

First self-identified as lesbian or gay

 19-21 21-23 14-16

15-16

From “A Providers Introduction to Substance Abuse Treatment for LGBT Individuals” www.samhsa.gov

*Studies of adults who remembered their experiences as children and adolescents

** Studies of adolescents who describe their experiences as they were happening or right after they happened

Although people may be more aware that an adolescent may be gay, they are generally no more tolerant and may even be less accepting of homosexuality in adolescents.  In fact, violence and harassment against LGBT youth appear to be increasing.  For those youth who choose to self-disclose or are found out, coping with this stressful life event is most challenging.  Adolescents at this point in their lives have not developed coping strategies and are more likely than adults to respond poorly to these stressors.  These youth must adapt to living in a hostile environment and learn how to find safety.  Combine this with other intersections such as; race, ethnicity, socio-economic, etc. and you have a kids on the fringe.

So my question is this…

What would an appropriate response from youth ministry look like to the problems LGBT youth face today?

Andrew Marin, founder of the Marin Foundation has been working to build bridges between the LGBT communities and the church.  I have the privilege of calling him my friend and support his work around the world.  If you’re not familiar with the work the Marin Foundation is doing you can visit their website here.

Andrew wrote a book last year entitled, “Love is an Orientation“.  In it he says this,

“We’re not called to posit theories that support our assumptions.  We’re not called to speculate about genetics or developmental experiences or spiritual oppression in faceless groups of other people.  We’re called to build bridges informed by the Scriptures and empowered by the Spirit.  We’re called to let a just God be the judge of his creation.  We’re called to let the Holy Spirit whisper truth into each person’s heart.  And we’re called to show love unconditionally, tangibly, measurably.”

So how do we move into that?  How do we move past our fears and judgements?  What will it take?

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