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Violence Training (part 2 0f 2)


Young men and boys may develop the following personlity characteristics, that can lead to violence, as part of male sex-role training:

Sense of right

Engendered in males is the idea that they may hurt or kill or enforce justice, right worngs and punish.  A man is taught that he is doing what is necessary and correct when he hurts those who “deserve” it.

A young male may perceive their significant other’s behavior as immoral, unfair or inadequate.  When an abusive and violence man believes that his mate has hurt him in some fashion, he feel he is within his rights to injure her.

Sense of duty

Men who go to war know they may die.  They risk death because they have been taught that death is preferable to being thought of as cowardly.  Men have been taught that it is their duty to defend their families or culture from danger.  Some men feel overwhelmed by this responsibility and run away from the family, while others remain and are resentful.

Even though a young person may resent their feelings of “duty” to their significant other, he may not be able to leave her because of feelings of guilt over disobeying what they perceive as a cultural imperative.  They may alternate between stability and instability, responsibility and irresponsibility, reason and rage.  Their erratic feelings have little, if anything, to do with their mate’s behavior.  They reflect their internal sense or belief about his ability to be the man they think they should be.  They probably doubt their ability to be the protector, guide, teacher or leader of the relationship or family, and this failure is too great to bear.  As a result they tend to blame, attack and criticize others or retreat into alcohol, drugs, sex or work.

Ability to objectify

In war, men do not kill people; instead they kill objects.  These objects are often overgenrealized labels such as Gooks, Krauts, Japs, Yanks, Communists, Imperialist, etc.  The list is as long as mankind.  The process of objectifying is critical to the process of killing and violence.

In a relationship a young male may hit, injure or kill a “bitch,” “whore,” or “slut.”  She ceases to be a loved one.  She is only an object.

Sense of disconnect

Men a typically not as connected to other people as women are.  They are trained to be impersonal and distant.  It is hard enough to risk death without having to face a massive loss of joy and closeness.  Men are taught to substitute ideology for connection or to put ideology before connection to people.

*I’m just a little curious as to whether we, in the church today, might be unintentionally be reinforcing some of these ideas through a poor understanding of the biblical dynamics of male/female relationships.

 

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Violence Is A Male Problem (part 1 of 2)


According to United States Department of Justice statistics – Uniform Crime Report and Bureau Statistic

  • 89.0% of those arrested for all violent crimes were men.
  • 87.5% of those arrested for murder were men.
  • 98.8% of forcible rapes we committed by men.
  • 91.9% of robberies were committed by men.
  • 86.7% of those arrested for aggravated assaults were men.
  • 92.2% of those arrested for sex offenses (not rape or prostitution) were men.
  • Wars are instigated and generally carried out by men (although this number has changed significantly in the last decade).

Training to be a man = Training to be violent

Virtually every man has experienced violence in his life and is trained to use violence for resolving conflict if he deems it necessary.  Most men has engaged in fist fights, verbal threats, pushing, shoving, grabbing, or intimidation.  For almost all men the use of physical force to resolve conflict is an option that they have experienced in at least one of three ways: (1) they have used physical force to win something, (2) they have been victims of physical force, or (3) they have seen someone use physical force.  Violence for men is a common experience and under many circumstances some men view violence as an acceptable response to a threat from either men or women.  The threat need not be physical harm; it could be a threat to self-worth, self-esteem, security, or person ambitions.  Acknowledging violence as “normal” male behavior is important for the understanding of dating/domestic violence.

Two reasons for male violence

The process of molding violent men begins very early and is a pattern of development our society considers normal.  First, almost all societies want men to have the potential to use physical force as a legitimate means to resolve conflict.  Societies sanction violence in specific circumstances such as war, police activities, defense of family and self, and sports.  Historically men have trained to wage war in order to protect family, clan, city and state or to expand the domain that each family, clan, city or state controls.  Whether it is used for protection or expansion, violence helps ensure the survival of the culture for which men fight.  And for thousands of years, men have been willing to to risk death or dismemberment to protect their cultures.  several conditions enable men to go to war and kill or be killed (We’ll explore these conditions in another post).  Training for violence starts within the family and with the games of adulthood.

The second reason for male violence is that many men have been given neither the means to determine acceptable boundaries for violence nor have they been given the tools to resolve conflict without resorting to coercion.  Many men come from families that injure rather than protect.   These men are left with a pervasive sense of alienation, loneliness, inadequacy, mistrust, and fear, and they have no adequate means of coping with these feelings.

Men who were abuse as children, i.e. were victims of violence inflicted by their families, are unable to establish acceptable personal boundaries for themselves or others and frequently feel threats to their self-worth as threats to their survival.  When abusive men perceive themselves as threatened, hence endangered by emotional conflict, they do all they can to win and survive.   If they cannot assure emotional survival by lesser means, they will use violence.

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Top 10 Most Read Blog Posts Of 2010


While trying to discern what information is being searched for and consumed the most we were able to identify topics that are in need of further exploration.  Our top 10 list of 2010 is not a self-congratulatory pat on the back but rather an attempt to guide our focus for 2011.

The following posts we our most read blog posts of 2010 and therefore the ones that revealed some of the areas of greatest need.

  1. The State of Male Adolescence Today
  2. 10 Things You Need To Know About Date Rape
  3. The Importance Of Harmonious Peer Relationship
  4. Forgiveness: A Leap Of Faith
  5. Teen Dating Violence
  6. Roles Of Children In Dysfunctional Families
  7. Self Injury Quick Reference
  8. Ten Strategies for Working with Boys
  9. Cognitive Distortions
  10. Basic Brain Function and Emotional Hijacking

It’s obvious to us that there is a great need for resources/information on working with and understanding young, developing boys, teen dating violence, self-injury, and understanding the brain of adolescents.  But we’d also like to hear from you about what topics, information, research we can provide so you can continue to grow in your capacity for loving and equipping young people to follow in the ways of Jesus.

From us to you and yours, prayers of blessings and gratitude for your support of Conversations on the Fringe in 2010.

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A Prayer When I Feel Hated


Loving God, you made me who I am.
I praise you and I love you, for I am wonderfully made,
in your own image.

But when people make fun of me,
I feel hurt and embarrassed and even ashamed.
So please God, help me remember my own goodness,
which lies in you.
Help me remember my dignity,
which you gave me when I was conceived.
Help me remember that I can live a life of love.
Because you created my heart.

Be with me when people make fun of me,
and help me to respond how you would want me to,
in a love that respects other, but also respects me.
Help me find friends who love me for who I am.
Help me, most of all, to be a loving person.

And God, help me remember that Jesus loves me.
For he was seen as an outcast, too.
He was misunderstood, too.
He was beaten and spat upon.
Jesus understands me, and loves me with a special love,
because of the way you made me.

And when I am feeling lonely,
help me remember that Jesus welcomed everyone as a friend.
Jesus reminded everyone that God loved them.
And Jesus encouraged everyone to embrace their dignity,
even when others were blind to that dignity.
Jesus loved everyone with the love that you gave him.
And he loves me, too.

One more thing, God:
Help me remember that nothing is impossible with you,
that you have a way of making things better,
that you can find a way of love for me,
even if I can’t see it right now.
Help me remember all these things in the heart you created,
loving God. Amen.

James Martin, SJ, is a Jesuit priest and the author of The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything and My Life with the Saints.

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Would Jesus Sit In The Smoking Section With A Gay Huckleberry Finn?


In Mark Twain’s novel The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Huck wrestles through a moral dilemma about demonstrating true friendship to a stigmatized person of his day – a man who bore a dual stigma of being black in a racist society and slavery in an exploitative one.  To help his friend Jim escape meant violating not only human law but also divine law as it had been interpreted in that society, because to help a slave escape meant stealing property from his or her owner.  Not only did Huck worry about God and about going to hell for obeying the impulse of his heart, but he also worried about what people would think of him.  “It would get all around that Huck Finn helped a negro to et his freedom; and if I was eer to see anybody from that town again I’d be ready to get down and lick his boots for shame.”  But such worries did not prevent him from doing what he knew to be right.

Jesus knew all about stigma.  He never hesitated to move among the oppressed people of his day, including the most despised social outcasts.  He went about his ministry without worrying about what others would say about his character, his motives, his righteousness.  “If this man were a prophet,” said some, “he would have known who and what kind of woman this is who is touching him – that she is a sinner” (Luke 7:39).  He also ignored the insinuations and seemed unconcerned about his reputation among the townspeople.  “Look,” said those who criticized Jesus and passed judgment on him, “a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!” (Luke 7:34).

Jesus was not afraid of being called names, nor was he afraid to be identified with the most hated, discredited people in the society in which he lived.  He cared about them.  He felt their pain, knew their hunger and thirst, recognized their humanity, saw the image of God in them.  In short, he loved them.  And he longed to minister to them – even if others misunderstood and vilified him.  Name calling was as common then as it is now, and to label someone with a scornful term identified with a stigmatized group has always been considered an extreme insult.  Today, terms of insult are frequently associated with homosexuality – “queer,” “fag,” “dyke,” “lezbo.”

During the time that Jesus walked the earth, the stigmatized people were the Samaritans, and the term of insult was “You Samaritan!”  Samaritans were half-breed leftovers from previous generations when God’s people were enslaved, raped, and plundered by the Assyrians.  Not only were they bi-racial and therefore not clean, they were reminders of the horrible atrocities committed against the Israelites during that time.  That’s what is so powerful about the story of the Good Samaritan.  The hero in the story was one of the most despised people in all of the New Testament yet Jesus refused to dissociate himself from this disdained group of people that he loved.

Have our youth ministries become sanctified segregation machines?  Why is it that most of the churches in the suburbs are all white?  Why don’t diverse inner-city churches adopt-a-block in affluent neighborhoods?  Why do LGBTQ students still avoid the church like the plague?

We should long for the day when people call us “faggots,” and “cutters,” and accuse us of having AIDS because of the company we keep and we aren’t compelled to defend ourselves because we don’t care what man has to say about us.  I think if Jesus came back today you might find him hanging out at a Gay-Straight Alliance meeting or with kids who were at a skittles party the night before or out on the corner with all the smokers.  You would probably be able to smell cigarette smoke on his robe so he’d be accused of being a smoker too…

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Forgiveness: A Leap Of Faith


There are a few stumbling blocks when considering forgiveness.  One is feeling that if they forgive they are in some way condoning wrong actions.  Another is the finality of it and releasing the hope of ever righting the wrong or getting retribution.  Another is letting go of the wish of finally getting what they always wanted.  Still another is the implication that forgiving means that they wish to continue having a relationship with the person they’re forgiving.  But forgiving someone who has hurt us doesn’t necessarily mean we want to continue a relationship with him or her.  Forgiveness is not a one-time event, and it doesn’t mean we relinquish our right to continued feelings about an issue.  Some people feel that if they forgive they have to eradicate any residual feelings of hurt and anger or they haven’t really forgiven, but this isn’t necessarily true.

Forgiveness typically plays out as a wish or a need to place a particular issue into a different internal context – moving something from the foreground to the background.  Those who consider forgiveness as part of their healing process are coming to terms with all of these issues and recognizing that they want inner peace more than a grudge to nurse.  They are seeking forgiveness to free themselves and to have God restore their equilibrium and sense of joy that had been stolen from them.  It is also a statement about where they are in their own healing process.

Sinful behaviors are often attempts at running from our own inner turbulence, misguided attempts at quieting the inner storm.  The storm is often about feeling hurt by others or hurting others through our own behavior.  The two are intertwined, feeding off of an fueling each other.  Asking for or granting forgiveness offers a way out, a way to make an attempt at restitution, to restore peace. 

We humans seem to pass through a predictable set of stages before forgiveness occurs much as in the grief process.  This is not intended to be a programmatic response to manage hurt and forgiveness.  These stages are meant to only suggest a process and make it a workable one, to provide a framework.  They may be experienced in a different order, leapfrogged or some skipped entirely depending on the severity of the issue and the person involved.  Also, the goal is not to get rid of feelings like anger or sadness but to experience them and integrate them into a greater understanding and insight and through doing so moderate them and reframe the issues at hand.  Once people understand that they are hurting themselves by nursing resentments and undermining God’s healing, then reframing has begun.

Waking Up.  We realize we’re holding onto something that’s hurting us maybe even more that the other person, or that we need to forgive ourselves for something and stop beating ourselves up on the inside.

Anger and Resentment.  We’re hurt and angry.  We resent the other person because we see him or her as being the cause of our pain.

Sadness and Hurt.  We’re in pain.  We feel wronged or wounded, and we’re probably also worrying that we did something wrong that we don’t quite understand.

Integration, Reorganization.  We feel and experience split-off emotions associated with internal blocks and place them into a new context.  We reintegrate them into ourselves with new awareness and insight.

Reinvestment.  The process of forgiving and working through blocked emotion frees up energy that can be reinvested into improving relationships with God, others, and life.

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Guidelines For Discussing Teen Suicide


With teen suicide getting more attention in the news lately it has been revealed that there is a lack of resources to effectively discuss the subject with our students.  It is important to have these discussion but it is equally important to have good discussions.  The following are guideline for having those discussions, in a formal setting, with your students and their parents.

A special concern for the leader to take into account is that you can’t discuss suicide without touching on your own feelings – students’ and your own.  Discussion of suicide will not burden the student and isn’t likely to “plant” the idea in their heads.  The teacher must also recognize that this topic needs to be discussed so that students have accurate information, even if someone in the community is not supportive.  The following teaching strategies are recommended:

  • Provide structure and ground rules for the class.
  • Recognize cultural differences and protect students’ privacy. (unless there is disclosure to harm oneself)
  • Give honestly of yourself in the discussions.
  • Be familiar with referral procedures.
  • Stress that everyone can be depressed at some time.
  • Be alert and sensitive to students who are upset.
  • Don’t try to scare students.
  • Provide some lightness through a positive emphasis and permit some humor.
  • Assist students and be available, but recognize that you are not a therapist.

The first lesson promotes an understanding of the problem of youth suicide.  Students can be asked a number of questions to stimulate their thinking and to clarify the many misperceptions that exist regarding depression and suicide.  Students are also asked to identify community resources to assist suicidal youths.  Students are asked to visit such agencies and to gather information about them.

The second lesson emphasizes the warning signs and stresses that depression is common and often situational in nature.  A group sharing time could be useful that encourages students to think about a time when they were depressed.  The exercise focuses on how they felt and acted at the time, to whom they talked, and what helped them through the depressed period.

The third lesson centers on stress, substance use, and suicidal risk.  The variety of stressors that teenagers face are emphasized.  The relationship between stress and drug/alcohol use is emphasized.  Positive steps to cope with stress are taught.  Consider bringing in a counselor/therapist to facilitate this discussion.

The goal of the fourth lesson if to help students communicate with and assist a suicidal friend.  It is pointed out that secrets must not be kept about suicidal behavior.  Activities could include role-playing communication skills.  Steps in helping a suicidal friend are identified; who to contact , how to listen, identifying negative emotions, role-playing a number of scenarios where one student responds to a suicidal friend.  In these role-plays, showing caring, providing empathetic responses, giving support, and lending perspective are emphasized.  (this is not an attempt to pawn off this responsibility on our youth, it is simply a reality that a student is more likely to tell another student that they are suicidal that an adult.  This is an attempt to equip students with “what is the first step” information and to hopefully neutralize a situation until an adult can engage)

The final lesson focuses on help available in the community agencies that they contacted as part of the homework for the first lesson.  A master list of community services is made for each student and how to contact help in case of an emergency.  It is suggestion that students receive a wallet-sized card with community resource information on it, including resources available at their school.

*  Each lesson should provide goals, and objectives, and homework of some sort.

A local youth group would bi-annually facilitate a 6 week series they called “Coping With…” and would bring in local professionals to share with students and their families.  In this series they would address the many stressors/problems that youth face today, such as; anger, bullying, substance use, finances, dating violence, grief/death, suicide, depression, and other dark subject.  The students families were always invited and even had a specific class gear directly towards them.  The parents’ class usually addressed issues such as technology, early screening for depression, systemic abandonment, etc.

If you want more information on developing a “Coping With…” series for your youth ministry please email us at cschaffner@fringeconversations.com

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Avoiding Volunteer Burnout (youth pastor life skills series pt.4)


Volunteer burnout is real and can be prevented by you as the ministry leader.  Volunteer burnout can be thought of as a psychological process – a series of attitudinal and emotional reactions – that a volunteer goes through as a result of ministry related and personal experiences. Often the first sign of burnout is a feeling of being emotionally exhausted from one’s work. When asked to describe how she or he feels, such an volunteer might mention feeling drained or used up, at the end of the rope, and physically fatigued. Waking up in the morning may be accompanied by a feeling of dread at the thought of having to put in another day in the ministry. For someone who was once enthusiastic about a working with kids (especially at-risk kids) and idealistic about what could be accomplished, feelings of emotional exhaustion may come somewhat unexpectedly, but the ministry leader or co-laborers may see the person’s emotional exhaustion as a natural response to working too hard. In turn, their natural response is to tell the victim to “Take it easy,” or to say “You need a vacation.”

Instead of doing either of these things (neither of which would provide permanent relief anyway), the victim does what many volunteers in similar situations have done – she or he copes by depersonalizing relationships with the leaders and peer volunteers. She or he develops a detached air, becomes cynical of relationships with others, and feels callous toward others and the ministry.  Volunteer leaders who become burnout victims are especially harmful to the ministry because such leaders create a ripple effect, spreading burnout to those they lead and influence. Unfortunately for the friends and family of an person who has reached this stage, the cynical and uncaring attitudes that develop toward peers, ministry leaders, or volunteers the lead may also be directed at non-ministry contacts, having a negative effect on all of the person’s social interactions.

In addition to emotional exhaustion and depersonalization, a third and final aspect of burnout is a feeling of low personal accomplishment. Many individuals begin serving in ministry with expectations that they will be able to make a great impact on the lives of the youth in their community and their the church as a whole. After a year or two on the job, they begin to realize they are not living up to these expectations. Many systemic reasons may contribute to the gap that exists between a new volunteer’s goals and the veteran’s accomplishments, including (1) unrealistically high expectations because of a lack of exposure to quality volunteer training, (2) constraints placed on the volunteer by organizational policies and procedures, (3) inadequate resources to perform one’s job, (4) co-workers who are frequently uncooperative and occasionally rebellious, and (5) a lack of feedback about one’s successes.

These and other characteristics almost guarantee that volunteers will be frustrated in their attempts to reach their goals of impacting this new generation, yet these people may not recognize the ministry and its leaders role in causing their frustration. Instead they may feel personally responsible and think of themselves as failures. When combined with emotional exhaustion, feelings of low personal accomplishment may reduce motivation to a point where performance is in fact impaired and that, in turn, leads to further failure.

We must do a better job of caring for and encouraging our volunteers.  We need to begin to provide soul care for our volunteers.  We have got to stop treating them as if they are nothing more than a means to an end for our mission.  There are also many great training opportunities/resources for volunteers to develop the skills and tools necessary to impact this generation but as leaders we must provide them.  If we don’t then we are the ones responsible for their eventual burnout.

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When A Student “Falls In Love” With The Youth Worker


Because of the difficulties students have in early and mid-adolescence to manage strong feelings of intimacy, the new experience of having someone who listens and whom they can trust sometimes lead them to believe that they are in love with their youth worker.  Sadly, many at-risk students are so accustomed to negative feelings (shame, fear, guilt, anger) that positive feelings (joy, trust, contentment, playfulness) are unfamiliar to them.  Such students may not understand their own feelings, and they may not have the skills to differentiate them.  In some cases, if a student has been abused (physically or sexually) and/or is abusing drugs or alcohol, romantic obsession or sexual fantasies can be a substitute for reducing anxiety or stress.  Powerful romantic feelings may be directed toward the youth worker, threatening the health of the relationship.

The youth worker may first become aware a student is having strong feelings by subtle changes in their demeanor or by more obvious signs, such as requests to the worker in non-ministry related settings.  The youth worker must, above all, avoid transgressing the boundaries of the relationship and continue to emphasize the context of the relationship of one spiritual in nature.  He/She should not consent to personal requests , even if they seem innocent.  Second, even if he/she only suspects a student of harboring sexual feelings for him/her, he/she should immediately bring the matter to the attention of a colleague or other staff person.  This consultation will serve not only to protect himself/herself, should legal complications arise later, but can also help him/her work through the difficulty in the relationship itself.

If the youth worker senses that a student is developing romantic feelings for him/her, he/she can try to discuss the matter openly by asking questions, such as “I sense that you are feeling very strongly about something today.  Is there something in particular you want to talk about?”  If the student eventually discloses romantic or sexual feelings, the youth worker must maintain a spiritual focus and uphold the boundaries of the student-youth worker relationship.  Students should be encouraged to examine the feelings rather than act on them.  The tension of this interaction can lead to a “teachable moment” in which the student learns to better differentiate his/her feelings.  The youth worker should remind the student repeatedly of the purpose of their meetings, emphasizing what the youth worker and the student will and will not do as part of their relationship.  Students often use attraction to the youth worker to avoid dealing with unresolved feelings or emptiness.

Another, less confrontational way to deal with this type of situation is to maintain the boundaries of the student-youth worker relationship but to use the clients’ feelings to help them discover solid but non-sexual relationships with peers who will listen.  The student can be assisted to differentiate feeling good from feeling sexual desire.  The youth worker can explain that the “attractive” aspects of their relationship, such as trust and feeling safe, are qualities that students will want to look for in their personal relationships.

Similar problems of inappropriate attachments and boundary issues can occur in small group settings as well, and youth workers (whether group leaders or one-on-one mentoring) must be prepared to work with the students on this dynamic.  Here, too, defining roles and expectations from the outset that address interactions between group members and between group leader and members.  Students should avoid letting any of these relationships become too personal and should be made to understand why, in this setting, developing sexual relationships would be detrimental to the group as a whole.  Youth workers, in turn, must understand and support the bonding that occurs when students share their innermost thoughts in a safe and sympathetic environment – and the confusion group members may have about their feelings of dependence on or the responsibility for other group members.

Students most at risk for these behaviors have likely been abuse, neglected, rejected, marginalized, and abuse substance.  The lack of rational insight and poor emotional management, coupled with supportive and safe listening, opportunity for full-disclosure of problems make the student-youth worker a fertile ground for unhealthy and even dangerous interactions to occur.  Our youth ministry and many other youth ministries have safety plans and policies to address these and other issues.  If yours doesn’t have one in place feel free to contact us at cschaffner@fringeconversations.com for sample policies to put in place to protect you and your ministry efforts.

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