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Goofus and Gallant in Youth Ministry


Remember the old Highlights Magazine we use to read as kids?  I remember spending hours looking for the hidden objects scattered throughout the magazine.  I also remember the Goofus and Gallant comics.  They were two polar opposite characters meant to teach the children reading about right and wrong.  I used to love reading them but must admit I fell more on the Goofus side of things as a kid.

Having been involved in youth ministry for over a dozen years, in one way or another, I’ve noticed that we still have those Goofus and Gallant kids sitting in our chairs and it got me thinking about the expectations we have for them.  Often, youth workers want contradictory things from their students – docile, “Gallant”-like manners along with extraordinary feats of intellectual, creative, or physical stature.  But the extraordinary talents actually arise from the “Goofus” side of each student’s personality.  As youth workers it’s essential that we learn to see those intense, often irksome traits as the seeds of your student’s greatness, possibly even their God-given giftedness.

Try thinking of:

  • Your stubborn or whining student as persistent.
  • Your complaining student as discerning.
  • Your argumentative student as forthright and outspoken.
  • Your loud student as exuberant.
  • Your shy student as cautious and modest.
  • Your reckless, accident-prone, or rule-breaking student as daring, risk-taking, and adventurous.
  • Your bossy student as commanding and authoritative.
  • Your picky, nervous, obsessive student as serious and detail-oriented.

Too often we only see what lies on the surface of each student and often the problematic behaviors and attitudes are misdirected strengths and giftedness.  Maybe if we only see the negative in our students it’s because we haven’t provided a more appropriate, kingdom-minded outlet for them to direct their energy and passion towards.

Goofus would always take advantage of any opportunity that presented itself in the comic strip.  How useful might that skill and attitude be if it were redirected towards God’s purposes?

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I’m A Huge Rock Star (youth pastor life skills series pt.6)


I am currently reading The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement and was struck by the following paragraph:

“It’s difficult to say based on hard data whether older adults have shown the same trend toward greater narcissism, as people older than college age have not completed the NPI very often.  Are, say, thirty-somethings today more narcissistic than thirty-somthings 25 years ago?  Our guess is a confident “maybe.”  For one thing, young adulthood looks more like adolescence now than it used to.  Baby Boomers in the 1970s typically settled into employment, married, and had at least one child well before they turned 25.  Today’s average 25 year-old has not achieved any of these milestones; their lives more closely resemble those of adolescents, the time in life when narcissism peaks.  So our best estimate is that adults in their twenties, thirties, and forties are more narcissistic now than they were a few decades ago.  The movement into a less narcissistic adult life may now take longer – or not happen at all, a stark contrast with a few decades ago, when 25 year-olds didn’t live with their parents and 45 year-olds didn’t wear jeans and listen to hip bands.”

If the above is true then it seems plausible that the increase in narcissism personality traits (not to be mistaken with the DSM – IV Narcissism Personality Disorder) among the American population is connected to extended adolescence and systemic abandonment of our youth by the adult culture as a whole.

If this is true then part of the solution lies in reversing and combating the growing narcissism and self-worship.  The best tool we have at our disposal to do that may be the example and life of Jesus, who prayed “Less of me and more of You.”  That sounds like a prayer that we should be praying more often, daily even.

Too often we, youth workers, believe the hype about how awesome we are.  When we lose sight of the fact that we are simply called and empowered by God to answer that calling, we tend to give ourselves more credit than we deserve.  This can unwittingly be reinforced by our students, their parents, and other staff.  To think that narcissism hasn’t crept into the ministry is to live in denial.

Still not buying it.  Here’s a good litmus test:

Will the youth ministry continue to function if you were unable to do it?  Or, would it grind to a halt because it was all dependent on you to make it happen?

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Off The Hook: Blame The Victim


Many well-intentioned people have entered into urban ministry because they believe God can and wants to use them in the lives of people in the city.  But all too often we answer that call with preconceived ideas about the problems people in the inner city have and their role in creating those problems.  So, we ride in on our white horses to fix the poor minorities.  What we often fail to understand is that many who live impoverished lives are oppressed by systems not simply choices.

One can acknowledge that privilege and oppression exist and even that they have terrible consequences for people and still get off the hook by blaming it all on them.   Those privileged can draw on a rich supply of negative cultural stereotypes, such as, to satisfy themselves that if people who don’t come from privilege were different – if they were more like the privileged supposedly are – there wouldn’t be so much trouble.  The privileged can say things like, “If they were smarter and worked harder or got an education, they’d be okay,” and expect most other privileged to go along, because these stereotypes have such an authority in this culture.  They can also count on others that are privileged who disagree with them to not say so to their face.

In similar ways, men can tell themselves that women who say they’re sexually harassed are hypersensitive, or had no business being where they were, or sent mixed signals, or “asked for it” in one way or another.  If a woman fails to break through the glass ceiling, men can say she doesn’t have what it takes.  If she allows herself to be openly emotional, men can point to that as a reason she hasn’t reached the heights; if she isn’t emotionally and nurturing, they can criticize her for not being “womanly” enough, too much like a man.  If she’s friendly, men can say she wants to be approached sexually; if she isn’t friendly, they can say she’s stuck up, cold, a bitch even, and deserves what she gets.

Or lesbians and gay men may be told they’re “asking for trouble” by “flaunting” their sexual orientation by, say, holding hands in public – in other words, by being as open about being gay or lesbian as heterosexuals are about being straight.

The result of such thinking is that oppression is blamed on the people who suffer most from it, while privilege and those who benefit remain invisible and relatively untouched.  And off the hook.

It’s important to remember this as that urban kid walks into your outreach center, church, street corner, or passes you at the mall.  Check your assumptions at the door.

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Privilege And Oppression In The American Church


There’s no denying that there are a handful of Evangelical churches that largely shape and control the American Christian culture.  You can probably think of a handful of them right off the top of your head.  Those churches have contributed much to the Kingdom and this post is not an attempt to argue whether their success is God-driven or marketing-driven.  Regardless, many necessary issues/concerns have been addressed by churches like this and they honored and glorified God in the process.

The focus of this post is the danger of having too much dominance over a culture and how the systems that govern many of these churches may be contributing to a larger problem that will impact our faith for a long time to come.

When any group rises to the top it is often accompanied by a sense of privilege.  It’s the “Good Ol’ Boys Club” mentality.  And, it often happens without its members even knowing it.  As a result of one group believing it is privileged another group consequentially is oppressed by the very nature of this belief system.  I have and you do not.

In other words, if dominant groups, in this case, larger affluent churches, really saw privilege and oppression as unacceptable – if white people saw race as their issues, if men saw gender as a men’s issue, if heterosexuals saw heterosexism as their problem – privilege and oppression wouldn’t have much of a place in the future of the church.  But that isn’t what’s happening.  Dominant groups don’t often engage these issues, and when they do, it’s not for very long or with much effect, and rarely do they address the systemic causes.

When asked “Why not?” certain responses pour out without hesitation.  These dominant church don’t see privilege as a problem.

  • Because they don’t know it exists in the first place.  They’re oblivious to it.  The reality of privilege doesn’t occur to them because they don’t go out of their way to see it or ask about it and because no one dares bring it up for fear of making things worse.  They also have no understanding of how their privilege actually oppresses others.
  • Because they don’t have to.  If you point it out to them, they may acknowledge that the trouble exists.  Otherwise, they don’t pay attention, because privilege insulates them from its consequences.  There is nothing to compel their attention except, perhaps, when a school shooting or sexual harassment lawsuit or a race riot or celebrity murder trial disrupts the natural flow of things.
  • Because they think it’s just a personal problem.  They think individuals usually get what they deserve, which makes the trouble just a sum of individual troubles.  This means that if whites or males get more than others, it’s because they have it coming – they work harder, they’re smarter, more capable.  If other people get less, it’s up to them to do something about it.
  • Because they want to protect their privilege.  On some level, they know they benefit from the status quo and they don’t want to change.  Many feel a sense of entitlement, that they deserve everything they have, including whatever advantages they have over others. 
  • Because their prejudiced – racist, sexist, heterosexist, classist.  They’re consciously hostile towards blacks, women, lesbians, gay men, the poor.  They believe in the superiority of their group, and the belief is like a high, thick wall. 
  • Because they’re afraid.  They may be sympathetic to doing something about the trouble, but they’re afraid of being blamed for it if they acknowledge that it exists.  They’re afraid of being saddled with guilt just for being white or male or middle-class, attacked and no place to hide.  They’re even more afraid that members of their own group – other whites, other heterosexuals, other men – will reject them if they break ranks and call attention to issues of privilege, making people feel uncomfortable or threatened.

Although doing the right thing can be morally compelling, it usually rests on a sense of obligation to principle more that to people, which can lead to disconnection (injustice) rather than to restorative justice (reconnection).  I take care of my children, for example, not because it’s the right thing to do and the neighbors would disapprove if I didn’t, but because I feel a sense of connection to them that carries with it an automatic sense of responsibility for their welfare.  The less connected to them I feel, the less responsible I’ll feel.  It isn’t that I owe them something as a debtor owes a creditor; it’s rather that my life is bound up in their lives and their in mine, which means that what happens to them in a sense also happens to me.  I don’t experience them as “others” whom I decide to help because it’s the right thing to do and I’m feeling charitable at the moment.  The family is something larger than myself that I participate in, and I can’t be a part of that without paying attention to what goes on in it.

Maybe that’s where we start…paying attention to all the members of the family.  No just the few in my club that look like me.  But, it can’t end there, as it usually does.  We must share resources, breach cross-cultural barriers, take risk, and sacrifice if the church is to ever be what God intended for it to be.

Where do you see privilege in your community?  Where do you see oppression?  What conversations do we need to start?  How are our youth being shaped by privilege and oppression?

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excerpts taken from:

Privilege, Power, and Difference by Allan G. Johnson

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ScreenWorld vs. RealWorld


I ‘ve been reading a challenging new book, Virtually You – The Dangerous Power of the E-Personality, written by Elias Aboujaoude, MD from Stanford.  In this book he pulls on years of research the looks at how our online personalities (e-personalities) are shaping how we interact with the offline world.  While he recognizes the unlimited potential of the internet for good he has identified some very dangerous changes in how we relate to, communicate with, and behave in the real world.  He identifies correlations between how we act and interact on the internet and how that in turn shapes us in non-screenworld.  I think this is a must read for anyone living in the technological age.

I have long wondered how the advent of instant, social, and mobile technology impacts our real world lives and here’s just a few things I’m thinking about in no particular order:

LinkedIn – Everyone I connect with is just a means to an end.  Every connection I make is meant to be a networking opportunity, on this site.  But when I become conditioned to see others through a “what can you do for me” lens this has the potential to negatively impact my real time relationships in the same way.

iProducts – With such a focus on individualization in how we experience our technology we can further reinforce this self-centered worldview that we fight so hard to diminish.  With apps on every interface I can make everything I use completely customized to my preferences.  It is precisely this behavior that sabotages our real time relationships.  Everything is about me and every encounter we have with others should be about reinforcing the idea that I am the center of the universe.  iAM.

Also, we can not only add apps that we want we can filter out anything we don’t want or that we don’t like.  I love Facebook’s content filters on my wall so I can hide or delete content from my “friends” that I don’t agree with, that is embarrassing to me, or I just flat out disagree with.  The ability to do this seriously retards our ability to tolerate anything that doesn’t conform to my ideology and beliefs.  I never have to be challenged or held accountable for anything online because I can just unfriend you or hide you news feed.  This also conditions us in real time to be intolerant to those who are different than us and does not lend itself to diversity.

I’m not even going to spend much time on the subject of instant gratification.  This should be a no-brainer.  If it’s not just Google it.

I’ve noticed that people tend to say things online that they would NEVER say in real life.  It’s like we can hide behind the wall of technology and convince ourselves that this isn’t real because I can’t see the other person.  Or, I am not even really being myself online so nobody knows it’s even me.  We tend to be more snarky, pretentious, and just downright mean.  When we spend inordinate amounts of time interacting behind a façade online we soon forget how to interact with people in real time and adopt many of our online behaviors as the new norm.

One last thing I’d like to mention is how disposable the internet makes things (i.e., relationships, apps, websites, etc.).  If this displeases us I will just move on to the next one.  We have been conditioned to not be content.  If a “friend” says something you don’t like, DELETE!  If you beat that game, DELETE!  If you are tired of Facebook, Google+.  There is always another option.  We are all free agents.  Loyalty is hard to come by on the web.  Can you see how dangerous this can be in real time?  Do we treat others the same way?

As we spend increasing amounts of time “connected” online we must know that it can, will, and is shaping how we interact with the real world around us, and not always for the better.  There are assuredly other ways technology is impacting us (i.e., shorted attention spans, impulsive shopping, compulsive gambling, shaping our sexual experiences and lives, etc.).  As we work with kids who have never know a world without mobile phones or the internet we must be increasingly aware of our own online behaviors and seek to bring the two world together as much as possible in a healthy and balanced manner.

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Warning Signs You May Be Taking Your Spouse For Granted


This happens more often than not in ministry and we can justify it by claiming we are doing “God’s work” or “Kingdom work”.  But too often those we love most sit home while we “run the race set before us”.  Christian’s a divorcing at a rate comparable to non-Christians and I think neglect is one of the bigger offenders.  Here’s a quick checklist to see if you are in danger of taking your spouse (if you’re married in ministry) for granted. 

  • Do you spend more time on work, ministry, trips, camps, and the youth than you do alone with your spouse?
  • Do you spend nonquality time with your spouse feeling either bored or stressed?
  • Do you share your feelings, thoughts, and dreams more easily and more openly with friends, colleagues, students and strangers at conferences than you do with your spouse?
  • Do you view going home as something you have to do between ministry gatherings and meetings, not something you look forward to?
  • Do you seldom make an effort to look your best when you are with your spouse?
  • Do you seldom play or spend spontaneous time together?
  • Do you say more negative comments to your spouse than  warm, loving ones?
  • Do you treat your mate more like a roommate or “friend with benefits” than a loving partner?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you may need to take a serious look at the lack of balance in your life.  Ministry demands a lot from us but it should never come at the expense of those closest to us.

2

Unhealthy Family System Model (Exploring Family pt. 2)


Most members of unhealthy family models oscillate between extremes of behavior choosing, mostly unconsciously, whichever behavior promises the greatest chance of surviving the moment.  You may see many of the following extremes in youth in your ministries.  It’s important to understand that these behaviors are functional and serve a purpose for these kids.  Understanding that will help you know what they need from us most.

High Intensity vs. Shutdown:  Alternating between feeling overwhelmed with emotional vs. physiological responses and shutting down.

Overfunctioning vs. Underfunctioning:  Alternating between working overtime to fill in what is missing vs. falling apart or barely holding it together.

Enmeshment vs. Disengagement:  Alternating between being overclose or fused in identities vs. avoidance, or cutting off leading to disengagement.

Impulsivity vs. Rigidity:  Alternating between behavior that leads to chaos vs. rigid, controlling behavior.

Grandiosity vs. Low Self-Worth:  Alternating between grandiose ideas and fantasies vs. feelings of low self-worth.

Denial vs. Despair:  Alternating between a state in which reality is denied or rewritten vs. despair, helplessness (or rage at having life as we know it slip away).

Abuser vs. Victim:  Alternating between the role of victim vs. the role of perpetrator.

Caretaking vs. Neglect:  Alternating between over concern leading toward enmeshment vs. underconcern leading toward disengagement.

Living with dysfunction is traumatizing to the body as well as the mind.  And living in this kind of system can lead to the kind of emotional deregulation that makes us want to turn to high-risk behaviors (substance use, unsafe sexual behavior, self-injury or violence towards others) to regain a sense of calm and regulation that dysfunction undermines.  The kids in our ministries are not typically “bad kids” making immoral choices because they lack long-term consequential thought processes.  Often the behaviors we see in our kids is simply their best attempt to manage life and survive in a world where most of the adults have left them to fend for themselves.

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Understanding Family Systems (Exploring Family pt. 1)


 So much has been said about the current state of the family that there’s hardly anything new to add to the conversation.  It is regularly reported that the family is under attack and is falling apart due to changes in our culture.  However, the future need not be bleak for families that are seeking recovery from dysfunction.  Those who embrace the healing that God offers often report that they “do not regret the past nor do they wish to shut the door on it.”  This is because they have learned to find meaning in their struggle and allow it to be transformed into wisdom and a deepened capacity to experience the mystery, beauty and passion of God’s grace and the human condition.

All families are systems in that they have their own sets of rules and behaviors, interrelated substructures, and predictable patterns of behavior.  Family systems theorists have outlined some basic ideas to describe some of the fundamentals of the family system:

Families have interrelated elements and structures: The elements of the system are its family members.  Each element or family member has it’s own set of characteristics.  There are relationships between the elements that function in a relatively independent manner, and all of these create a structure.

Families interact in patterns:  There are predictable modes or patterns of interaction that emerge in a family system.  These patterns help maintain a family’s equilibrium and provide clues to how one functions in this system.

Families have boundaries that tend to be open or closed:  They have ways if defining who is on the inside or on the outside of the system.  Open boundary systems allow other elements to influence them and may even welcome external influences.  A closed system isolates its members in a self-contained world.  No family system is entirely one way or the other.

The whole is more than the sum of its parts:  Families function by this composition law.  Though families are made up of individual elements, the elements combine to create a whole which is greater than the sum of its parts.

There are messages and rules that shape relationships:  These messages, rules and agreements prescribe and limit a family member’s behavior over time.  They tend to be repetitive and redundant and are rarely, if ever, explicit or written down.  They may give power, induce guilt and control or limit behavior, and they tend to perpetuate and reproduce themselves.  Most messages can be stated in just a few words: be responsible, look good, keep family business private, succeed, etc.

Families have subsystems:  These subsystems contain a number of small groups, usually made up of two or three people.  The relationships between people in these subsystems are known as alliances or coalitions.  Each subsystem has its own boundaries and unique characteristics, and membership in the subsystem can change over time.

Families maintain a homeostasis or equilibrium:  (Steiglass 1987).  Families tend to make many small and large adjustments to maintain what family theorists refer to as homeostasis or an overall equilibrium.  This is much like a mobile, which when acted upon, will adjust to rebalance itself. (Satir 1988)  A family system, too, will seek to rebalance itself in order to maintain its equilibrium when the winds of the world act upon it.

It’s important when ministering to the whole family (which we should be doing more of) that we understand each unique family system and it’s many subsystems that support it.  It is especially important for us to assist the family in achieving homeostasis (balance) and it is upset.  This is a real, practical way of showing, teaching, and reinforcing that the God of the universe cares deeply for them and their current condition.  To be the incarnation of Jesus when a family’s world is falling apart is a great place to lead our ministries.

2

What You Assume Is What You Get


“Most of us are aware that our expectations affect our own behavior.  If you envision yourself losing this afternoon’s tennis match, you are more likely to lose.  If you assume you will win, your chances of winning increase significantly.  We call these self-fulfilling prophesies.  What many people don’t know is that one person’s beliefs can contribute to another’s outcomes.

Time and again, research has demonstrated that our assumptions shape the outcomes.  In an experiment, the Harvard professor Robert Rosenthal told students he had developed a strain of highly intelligent rats that could zip through a maze in record time.  Then he passed our regular old rats to all the students.   He told half of them they were getting the smart rats; the other half, he said, were getting dull rats.  The “smart” rats became faster and more accurate every day; the “dull” rats wouldn’t even leave the starting gate 29 percent of the time.”

The Art of Connecting by claire Raines and Laura Ewing

I read this today and wondered how many kids we leave at the starting gate, not because of their ability or capacity but because of our preconceived beliefs about them. 

It’s sad enough when we self-impose limitations on ourselves but when we do the same to others we fail at our fundamental task as youth workers…seeing what God sees in them and calling it out.

Where are we limiting the kids we influence?

Where are we calling out what God intended?

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