Search

conversations on the fringe

Open Search
Category

Youth Ministry

UPDATE: Being Good News to LGBTQ Students 2016


The plight of LGBTQ youth has been a growing passion for CotF over the last several years. As we continue to look deeper into what it means to be a gay youth we are regularly surprised by the vilification of these adolescents by the church and the exploitation of them by the world. CotF is committed to pulling back the curtain in LGBTQ youth related issues, to bring an end to the continued marginalization of this potentially vulnerable group of beloved youth.

*This is an update on a previous post that challenges the church to consider whether it is actually Good News or contributes to the further victimization of LGBTQ youth.

Adolescence is a time of significant physical and psychosocial development.  As youth develop, they are typically informed by and supported by their peers.  Experimentation, exploration, and risk characterize adolescence, and many engage in high-risk behaviors during this time.  Beyond the impulsive, risk-taking nature of adolescents their budding identity is being shaped as well.  This is often a difficult and exciting time of exploration but can be even more difficult for a self-identified LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Questioning) adolescent.  While all teens are at risk to some degree, LGBTQ students are at a higher risk by the very nature of their orientation.

The following are just some of the reasons that LGBTQ youth are at a higher risk than the average student:

Alcohol and Drug Use in LGBTQ Youth

LGBTQ youth use alcohol and drugs for many of the same reasons as their heterosexual peers: to experiment and assert their independence, to relieve tension, to increase feelings of self-esteem and adequacy, and to self-medicate for underlying depression or other mood disorders.  However, LGBTQ youth may be more vulnerable as a result of the need to hide their sexual identity and the ensuing social isolation.  As a result, they may use alcohol or drugs to deal with stigma and shame, to deny same-sex attraction/feelings, or to help them cope with ridicule and antigay violence.

Stigma, Identity, and Risk

LGBTQ students have the same developmental tasks as their heterosexual peers, but they also face additional challenges in learning how to manage a stigmatized identity.  This extra burden puts LGBTQ youth at increased risk for substance abuse and unprotected sex and can intensify psychological distress and risk for suicide.  This is even more true when there are compounding intersections such as; being a minority, having a disability, etc.

Abuse and Homelessness

LGBTQ youth are at a high risk for antigay violence such as bullying (which is really peer assault and harassment), verbal, emotional, and social abuse.  Antigay attacks heighten an adolesent’s feelings of vulnerability, intensifies their inner conflict, and typically drives them further into isolation, reinforcing their sexual identity.

Homelessness is a particular concern for LGBTQ youth, because many teens may run away as a result of harassment and abuse from family members or peers who disapprove of the sexual orientation.  Still others may be thrown out of the home when their parents learn they are gay.  Like their heterosexual peers, LGBTQ homeless and runaway youth have many health and social problems, including mental health problems, high risk for suicide, and STDs (including being at high risk for HIV/AIDS).

*excerpts taken from SAMHSA: A Providers Instruction to Substance Abuse Treatment for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Individuals

At first glance, adolescents who work in the commercial sex industry may be identified as prostitutes. As prostitution is illegal in most countries, adolescents may initially be labeled as criminals. However, since sex trafficking and prostitution involve the sale of sex and sexual acts, adolescents are actually, according to the legal criteria, the victims of criminal activity, i.e., of sex trafficking. Specifically, adolescents who are forced into commercial sex acts through the use of coercion, fraud, or threats are considered victims of sex trafficking regardless of their age, and any person younger than age 18 involved in any form of commercial sexual exploitation (e.g., prostitution, pornography, sex tourism, and stripping) is considered the victim of the crime of sex trafficking of a minor. The legal criteria or definitions, which provide additional legal protection to victims, are provided under the Trafficking Victims Protection Act, which was adopted by the U.S. Congress in 2000 and reauthorized and revised in 2003, 2005, and 2008.

Crimes committed against child trafficking victims (e.g., threats, extortion, theft of documents or property, false imprisonment, aggravated or sexual assault, pimping, rape, and murder) result in an immeasurable amount of short- and long-term physical, mental, and emotional harm. Minors are targeted more frequently because they are easy to manipulate and unable to protect themselves. LGBT minors who are homeless are at the highest risk for sex trafficking and sexual exploitation. According to the U.S. National Coalition for the Homeless (www.nationalhomeless.org), homeless LGBT youth are much more vulnerable to sexual exploitation and trafficking than other homeless youths. For instance, only 20 percent of homeless youth are LGBT in the United States, and 58.7 percent of them are exploited through sexual prostitution. This is a much higher rate than the 33.4 percent of heterosexual homeless youth that are at risk of sexual exploitation on the street.

Lack of reporting limits the ability to protect LGBT youth. If local publications and news channels do not report on the prevalence of human trafficking and on the disproportionate number of our homeless and runaway youth that are LGBT, it creates a perception that LGBT human trafficking and youth homelessness are issues outside the community or are issues only affecting the “Western world.” Increasing awareness of the worldwide prevalence of such issues will lead to a productive debate in society that could potentially tap into the core issues affecting LGBT homeless and LGBT youth at risk of sex trafficking.

*source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4204396/

Love146, a organization working to prevent child trafficking and exploitation, reports that sexual exploitation is devastating to a child. The after effects that children/youth face include…

Drug and alcohol dependencies, depression and anxiety, HIV and other STDs, revictimization, PTSD and/or complex stress disorder, unplanned pregnancy, addiction to money, fistulas and other health complications, hypersexualization, shame and humility, complex issues of self-worth, trauma bonds and Stockholm Syndrome, suicide attempts and self-injury, guilt and self-blame, mental illness, pressure from family, and prostitution in adulthood.

We CANNOT continue to allow this to happen. The church has mandate to NOT allow this. If our practices, intentionally or unintentionally, contribute to a system that further marginalizes and exploits LGBTQ youth then it is simply not Christian.

So my question is this…How can the church (and our youth ministries) be Good News to these precious kids that are at such a high risk?

 

7

Handling Stress in Ministry and Life


You’ve heard it said that hungry stomachs have no ears, implying that the Gospel is neutered if it doesn’t take into account the here and now and not just the hereafter.  The same can be said about stressed-out teens don’t give a rip about Jesus if He can’t impact their lives immediately.  In a culture that moves as fast as our stress is just the name of the game.  Those of us living with high levels of stress seem to think this is an acceptable consequence of preparing for a pursuit of the American Dream (one that no longer exists by the way). We, as a culture, are flaming out in alarming numbers and it’s largely due to the perception that Jesus doesn’t really make a difference in helping me manage my increasingly burdened life.

Stress is simply the experience of environmental problems and the lack of resources (internal and/or external) to do anything about them.  The many stressors one might encounter on any given day and the stress they induce is directly related to the individual’s perception and their capabilities to cope with the stressors.  This is often referred to as the Stress Response of fight or flight.  Causes of stress or potential stressors have been commonly and straightforwardly defined as experiencing negative events.  These events have a cumulative effect so an increased number of stressful events experienced in a relatively short period of time compounds the effects of stress and makes coping with them more difficult.  Now add to it the pressure to commit to youth ministry expectations, demands, and beliefs.  Jesus = more stress!

Our reality is that while the gospel never changes, nor does God, how they intersect with someone’s life does.  For one individual it is simply an academic exercise of reading and understanding the written Word in order to bring about change in their heart.  Yet, for another, it may be the friendship of a gospel messenger that communicates the love of the God to an otherwise marginalized individual.  Still, yet, there is the one that brings immediate relief to a hopeless and helpless person in the form of much-needed resources, such as; food, water, or shelter.  It can also be the concerned youth worker that engages a young person in a mentoring relationship and in the context of that relationship equips them with very practical coping skills that allow them to manage the stressors in their life.  That’s the beauty and mystery of the gospel; it is whatever the individual needs it to be.  God meets us at our need!  That is Good News!

Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

The Yoke of Oppression vs. the Yoke of Christ

Stress is oppressive.  Stress smothers us until we cannot breathe anymore.  It holds one captive and can control them when there is a lack of coping skills available.  It forces one to rely on the “stress response” system of “fight or flight” and creates an ongoing sense of anxiety and/or anger in the individual.  The yoke of Christ is easy.  It is freeing in its call to submission.  It says to the one yoked, “I will gently guide you through whatever you are facing.”  It is protective by its very nature and contributes to an underlying sense of peace.  This is due to the idea that one does not have to carry their burden alone.

We youth workers can reduce to potential for burnout by developing coping skills endorsed in the Scriptures.  Coping can be defined as a set of responses, cognitive or behavioral, that people use to deal with problematic events and to avoid being harmed by life’s stressors.  Coping refers to a set of purposeful individual reactions to those stressors.  It is a reaction to stressors that resolves, reduces or replaces the unhelpful stressful state.  It is the process by which one manages the demands of the environment that are stressful and the accompanying emotions of stress.

Professionals have identified six major areas from which people draw from in order to cope:

1.)  Health and Energy:  These are important resources because an individual who is sick or tired has less energy than a healthy person to expend on coping.  We have a limited, but replenishable supply of energy.  This energy is fueled by glucose.  What we eat and how we treat our bodies has a lot to do with how we manage life’s difficulties.  1 Corinthians 6:19 – Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.

2.)  Positive Beliefs:  Viewing oneself positively and believing that life outcomes are controllable and will be positive.  Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

3.)  Problem-Solving Skills:  The ability to search for information, generate alternative courses of action, weigh alternatives with respect to outcome, and select and implement an appropriate plan of action.  Proverbs 2

4.)  Social Skills:  The ability to communicate and behave in ways that are socially appropriate and effective.  Romans 14:13 – Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.

5.)  Social Support:  Emotional, informational, spiritual and/or tangible support from others.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 – Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

6.)  Material Resources:  Money and goods and services money can buy.  James 2:15-16 – If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,” and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that?

People use internal and external assets (psychological and social) and specific coping skills to manage stress.  Resources are what is available to people to develop coping repertoires.  External assets found through social networks such as youth ministry, small groups, counseling, family members, etc., that are potential sources of support.  Internal assets are the personality characteristics that people draw on from within such as conviction, courage, stress tolerance, and skills to help them withstand potential stressors.  It goes without saying that people with limited assets will struggle more and will have a higher likelihood of being overwhelmed with stress.

So…what impact should this have on us as youth workers?

Here are 5 practical suggestions aimed at helping one prevent stress or manage stressors real time:

1.)     Express yourself:  The Scriptures are full of God’s people calling out to Him who are frustrated, afraid, deeply saddened, overjoyed, excited and passionate.  Somewhere along the way we were taught that as Christians we can’t emote because feelings aren’t trustworthy.  While that may be true their expression is often essential in relieving the stress they are causing.   Ps. 31:21 – In my alarm I said, “I am cut off from your sight!”  Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.

2.)    Fight Resentment:  The word re-sent literally means to feel (sentiment) again (re).  One who is resentful is one who relives the offense over and over again with the same intensity as it was originally experienced.  The long-term consequences of hanging on to resentment are many and according to Scripture are toxic.  Hebrews 12:15 – See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

3.)    Reach Out:  A Lone-Gunman mentality goes against the very nature of God the Father, who has always existed in community with the Son and the Spirit.  We were made in Their image and therefore are made to be connected to each other.  When one part of the body suffers the whole body suffers.  We are an interdependent organism working together for God’s glory.  We cannot do this life alone, and weren’t meant to.  We are called to carry each others burdens.  Galatians 6:2 – Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

4.)    Adjust Priorities:  It is an unfortunate reality that when we are stressed out we don’t so much turn away from God as much as we simply forget about Him.  For many God is a last resort and when it all hits the proverbial fan we go running back to Him.  God longs for us to turn back to Him and run into His open and outstretched arms.  More importantly He wants us to know that He is Immanuel.  He is with us in the storms.  Jonah 2:7 – “When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.

5.)    Be Persistent:  Be persistent in your pursuit of seeking your Father.  Be persistent in seeking rest.  Be persistent in finding time to play.  Be persistent in pushing through difficult times.  But don’t do this in your own strength, do this by being persistent in your pursuit of nurturing a complete and utter dependence on the Holy Spirit.  The Spirit is your Comforter, your Advocate, and your Healer.  Learn to lean on it for strength during those times when you feel overwhelmed.  Matthew 11:28-29 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Stress is a natural part of life and mostly cannot be avoided.  There are deadlines, a crisis that occurs, illnesses, and conflict that we will encounter along the way.  It is our profound hope though that God is everything He says He is and that we can begin living in such a way that proves it.  How we handle stress in an over-stressed world might just be one of the best ways we can demonstrate that a relationship with the God of the Bible is the only way to make it through this world and into the next.

1

Credibility in Youth Ministry


honestyWe all know youthworkers who have lost credibility with their students.  We often pass judgment on them and know personally what we would have done differently.  However, what makes a youthworker credible in an teenager’s eyes may be different from what a youthworker thinks will make them credible.  Credibility is often confused with trustworthiness and likeability, with the youthworker more concerned with with being liked than respected.  But teens are smart consumers, and they know the difference between authentic adults and those just trying to sell a product.

 We want to look at the ways adults in youth ministry often lose credibility with the students in their ministry.  Usually the intentions are good, but sometimes the outcomes of our ministry efforts are not.  Adults in general can try to hard, control too much, or pretend something is working when it clearly in not, and this is typically because they don’t know what else to do. 

Craving the Teen’s Approval

For some of us the validation we receive from the teens we serve can be a powerful experience.  Many of us involved in youth work are there because we had a particular experience in our own adolescence.  For some of us, it is an opportunity to return the favor and investment made on our behalf.  It is a chance to make a difference in the lives of the youth in our community and we have a sense of calling and/or obligation to do this. 

For others though, it may be a more pathological motivation.  I have met, on more than one occasion, the youth worker who is trying to re-live their teenage years vicariously through the students they minister to.  This is an insidious and often beneath the surface drive but is none-the-less real.  It plays out like this; I didn’t get validation from my peers during my formative years so now I am living that out in ministry and trying to gain their approval today, as if my intrinsic worth is tied up in their opinion of me. 

This typically results in shallow ministry fruit because the goal, intended or unintended, is not spiritual growth but personal validation from the students to the adult.  This does not mean that God won’t use an person’s past hurts in ministry today but if these hurts cloud your ability to see things clearly then the individual may do more harm than good.

Being too Cautious

As a result of seeking the student’s approval the youth worker must then measure everything that said to the youth.  This is much like a couple’s first date.  The individual does not want to say or do anything that would reflect poorly on them and end the chances of future endeavors. 

This can occur in ministry as well.  During the early stages of rapport building this is quite understandable but as time goes on trust and trustworthiness should develop.  These two things cannot develop is one party has an ulterior motive.  Also, once the relationship does develop it is difficult for the youth worker to speak challenging truth into the lives of their students for fear of losing their affirmation.  A wise man told me once that I should “love people enough to tell them the truth”.  This can’t be done if one can not remain objective.

Heaven’s Reward Fallacy

Rainbows, Pixies, Jelly Beans, and the Warm Fuzzies are not the substance of (most) teenagers lives.  Often, we sell them a fantasy world that says, “If you just accept Jesus then everything magically gets better!”  Ta-Da!  The quickest way to lose credibility, and therefore your influence, is to pull a bait-and-switch regarding what it means to follow Jesus.

Trying too Hard

Sometimes we can try way too hard to convince the students that they need Jesus.  I know that sounds antithetical to what we’re trying to do but kids can tell when the experiences they have with us are more about us meeting an objective that genuinely loving them.  Sometimes we need them to believe because we are the ones that doubt.  It’s like them coming to believe in Jesus validates our own faith.  This can be dangerous to both the students and us.  A faith that is built on “sand” is shakey at best and the damage it can do to the budding, young faith of a student is very real.  We must get this in check.

I’m Stumped

Lastly, we lose credibility when we try to be the expert on all things.  There is nothing so apparent to teens than a know-it-all youth worker.  We mask the fact that we don’t know the answers and kids can pick it up in our voice, our choice of words, body language, eye contact, and the stammer in our speech.  Our attempts to cover this unknowing only reduces our credibility and makes the situation worse.

This list in not even close to being exhaustive.  We should constantly be aware of those practices that erode our influence over our students.  It is our belief that students are looking for credible adult guides to lead them out of the wilderness of adolescence.  Teens will usually follow those worth following and their loyalty remains for many years after they leave our ministries.  Are you leading in such a way that you keep up a strong level of credibility?  Are you leading and serving in a way that young people know you are trustworthy of following?  And if you are, who is it you are pointing them toward?

4

Trauma Stewardship in Youth Ministry


 

 In Laura van Dernoot Lipsky’s book (2009), Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others, she identifies a transformation that occurs when one is regularly exposed to trauma.  This response often occurs without any awareness that it is happening.  For those of us called to steward the trauma of God’s children we must be diligent in taking care of ourselves so that we can continue to be of use to him and his purposes. 

I can’t help but feel this is that case in youth ministry as well.  How often have you even felt that what you are doing is never enough?  How often do we feel helpless and hopeless, like we are not even putting a dent in the enemy’s influence?  How often do we feel exhausted as we move from one crisis to another?  For those of us in the trenches it can feel like a never-ending onslaught day after day.  The image below show signs that you may be experiencing secondary trauma or compassion fatigue.  Take a moment and ask God to search your heart and see if he might speak to you about this issue.

 Trauma-exposure-response

If, after hearing from God, you believe you are experiencing one or many of these symptoms then take some time to let God heal those places in your heart.  We are beginning a new blog series focusing on taking care of yourself while you serve in the trenches called “Youth Ministry Survival Guide”.  You will see these rolled out over the next few months.  In the meantime, if you are struggling with the grind and consequences of ministry and you serve in some of those dark places where trauma lives, we want to invite you to reach out to Simply Soul Care.

Simply Soul Care is a safe place for youth workers to be encouraged, prayed for, and loved on by veteran youth workers who are gifted and called to serve those in the trenches.  You can use Soul Care by visiting the Soul Care website.  If you are planning on going to the Simply Youth Ministry Conference this year you can also stop by The Shelter and schedule an appointment with one of our Soul Care Advocates.  This is a one-on-one appointment where you will meet with someone who will listen to you, pray for you, and encourage you. 

I have had the privilege of serving in the ministry for the last couple of years and have seen God work in the lives of those who serve him in powerful ways.  The work you do is important but so are you.  Make some time to let someone pour into you the way you pour yourself out to others.  This keeps you in the game and that’s a win-win for everyone.

1

The Power of Permission in Youth Ministry


permission grantedThe first time I learned about the validation that comes with giving someone permission to experience their reality came when I was 10 years old.  I was regularly invited to sleep over at my friend Joel’s house.  I suffered horribly from being homesick when I was younger.  It was often a source of ridicule from peers and a source of shame from within.

On this particular evening Joel had invited me to come stay the night.  I considered not even going to avoid the shame of Joel’s parents calling my mom at eleven o’clock at night to come pick me up.  But the virtual Disneyland playground in Joel’s backyard beckoned me to come and I had brought my laser weapon, for my role was always that of Han Solo.  Joel was Luke Skywalker and we would fight the clone army to save our beloved Princess Leia.  I had to go, so I mustered up the courage to try again.

I walked up to the door with my mom in tow on a Friday evening after school, and waited for what always happened.  I waited for my friend’s mom to tell me how much fun I was going to have that evening, and for the pressure of her promise to me that I’d never get homesick at their house.  I was sure I would disappoint.

But Joel’s mom did something different this time.  She brought me into the house, turned to my mother, and calmly said, “Goodbye for now, I’ll probably be seeing you later tonight.”  I stared up at this brilliant woman who had become the first person ever to give me permission to be homesick.  And because I walked around all evening thinking to myself that I could get homesick any time I wanted, and that it would be okay and even expected, I never once felt it come on.  I stayed at Joel’s for the first time and mom got to stay at home.

Permitting someone ownership of the his or her beliefs, impulses, defenses, and their consequences in your presence, without applying any pressure on the person to change, is a powerful phenomenon for encouraging the very change never asked for.  It’s a concept that Carl Roger’s coined unconditional regard.  It is an active appreciation of one’s felt need to stay as they are even when negative consequences are apparent or severe.  Never manipulative, never designed specifically for change nor offered up in the spirit of contradictory restriction, the act of respecting individuals’ control over their being and the choices they make serves naturally to liberate them from the need to defend, broadcast, or otherwise impose these choices.   In the absence of fear and threat, an individual is freer to consider what is working and what isn’t, and make changes experienced as autonomous.

When I think about many of the strategies we’ve seen in youth ministry to “win souls” or “disciple” our students, I wonder how many of them actually CHOOSE Christ versus how many are simply pressured into conformity.  It should come as no surprise when they leave our nests that they don’t return.  I’m not implying that we shouldn’t call out the best of our students but too often our means doesn’t allow for an autonomous choice driven by an awareness that the old way of doing things isn’t working and the promises of God are compelling enough to let them go.  Let’s give kids permission to be who they really are and to validate their perspectives and feelings (regardless of whether they reflect current reality).  Maybe by doing this our kids will allow us the influence we want but usually try to take by force.

3

Helping Students and their Families Resolve Difficulties


Over the years, I have sat through countless meetings with students and their families.  Often when a family is sitting in my office it is due to a conflict that has come to a head.  Early in my career I was easily confused by the complex dynamics represented by the family and at best could only offer vague advice or I would dole out shallow offerings of scripture and a prayer offering.  Managing a tense family meeting takes skill and awareness that isn’t usually taught in traditional youth ministry trainings.  We typically learn on the fly and by experience.  The following is a set of guidelines harvested from years of collective youth ministry experience from veterans in the trenches.

Preventing Problems in the First Place

Get the Parents in From the Beginning

           It does no good to sit in front of a reluctant teenager and try to get them to open up and discuss their difficulties.  This can actually make things worse because it sets up your time with the student as one where the youth worker repeated appeals to the teenager for his/her involvement.  This is like pulling teeth.

           Because there is a disconnect in perspective from both parties it is best to start with both parties present.  If the student is resistant then you can still work with the parents.  If the parents meet with you before hand this can limit the next meeting when they come together.  You will have already heard all the issues, so the meeting will start off on the wrong foot as the student will likely assume that there is an alliance between the youth worker and the parents.  This happens because the youth worker will have to (a) relay what he/she has heard from the parents, which can come off a paternalistic; (b) the parents tell it again for the kid’s benefit, but both he/she and the youth worker have already heard it all, so it’s old news; or (c) the parents and the youth worker asks the student what they think the problem is and if they already feel like the odds are stacked against them they may become defensive or dismissive.

Exceptions to the Rule

          As with all rules, sometimes there are circumstances in which parents and student should not meet together.  These can include:

  • The situation is too volatile
  • The parents are psychologically unavailable (neglectful or abusive)
  • The older student (16-18) feels empowered to address the concern on his/her own

Cautions to be Aware of

  • Do not immediately assume that one party or the other is right/wrong
  • Teens usually understand more than they are given credit for

Setting Ground Rules for the Meeting and Identifying Goals of Meeting

             From the beginning some “rules of engagement” should be stated and referred back to as the discussion progresses.  I always make clear my expectations when helping a family resolve conflict.  I start by telling them that the goal is to help each understand one another and find a resolve that is equally satisfying to both parties, therefore, anything that does not move us towards that goal is not useful or necessary.  Here are my ground rules for engagement:

  • No interrupting
  • No personal attacks
  • Stay in the present
  • Do not use the past as a bludgeoning tool
  • Listen to gain understanding

           As the conversation progresses the objective youth worker will want to practice listening.  Be slow to speak except to help maintain focus and control emotions. Emotions can be counter-productive when trying to find a resolve and stimulate subjectiveness and self-preservation in each party.  Here are some suggestions of things to listen for and they are largely defined by their absence: boundaries, respect, compassion, clarity, assertiveness, self-respect, humor, affection, listening to each other, genuineness, and empathy.

REMINDER:  Remain neutral.  Align yourself with all parties involved.  As youth workers we may have a tendency to align ourselves with the student.  If we do this we risk alienating the parents and possibly their alliance in their child’s spiritual development.

Potential Problems

  • Parents expect you to “fix” their kid while they watch
  • Parents may indulge their child’s dismissive or defensive attitude
  • The adolescent won’t talk
    • Move forward regardless.  As you converse with the parents the student will likely become involved, even if it is to refute their parent’s claims.
    • Take the pressure off the student.  Let them know they don’t have to share if they don’t want to.  Many times the “silent treatment” is an attempt to gain a sense of control over the experience.  By taking the pressure off of them it reduces anxiety and takes away their weapon of control.
    • Allow the student to just listen.  They may act disengaged but they are hearing everything being said.
    • Observe the parent’s response to the silent child (are they shameful towards the student or dismissive?)  Both of these send messages to the child.

           Using the above strategies and information will not guarantee a better outcome for your meetings but it will increase the likelihood of finding a resolve between both parties.  Be slow to give advice.  9 times out of 10 both parties just want to be heard and taken seriously.  They simply want to know that the other party understands them and that they were important enough to devote the time necessary to reach that understanding.  The youth worker can often help facilitate the family in reaching that goal and strengthen the spiritual alliance of all those involved.

0

Top 10 Blog Posts of 2012


It’s been a busy year for us here at Fringe.  We’re having more opportunities to speak into communities around our area as well as an ever-increasing broader scope.  Some of our highlights were working with Access Living in Chicago, Simply Youth Ministry Conference by Group Publishing, and simply meeting with parents and students throughout the state of Illinois.  2013 looks promising as we look to publish resources for those working with adolescents that are at-risk. 

The most read blog posts give us an idea of what is important to you and what resources are needed most.  In 2012 you read the following posts more than any other.

Roles Of Children In Dysfunctional Families

Youth Suicide Risk Assessment

Bullying (part 3): Text-Bullying And Mobile Technology

Basic Brain Function and Emotional Hijacking

Your Youth Group Sucks! – Building Rapport with Difficult Students

The Functionality of Sin

Self-Mutilation in Abuse Survivors

Supervision in Youth Ministry

What’s Wrong With Young People Today?

Ten Strategies for Working with Boys

Thanks to all of you for making 2012 a great year.   Here’s to deeper and continued conversations about things that matter in the new year. 

Blessings,

Chris

0

The Functionality of Sin


ducttapeTraditional youth ministry training didn’t really prepare me for the acute problems my kids were showing up with at our youth ministry. I got into to youth ministry because the first time I walked into a youth ministry gathering I felt a connection, a calling to speak into their lives. I wanted desperately to impact their lives for the Kindgom. The typical fare in most youth ministry training programs is maybe a psych 110 class or an adolescent development overview but very little in the way of preparing me to minister effectively to them. Take Whitney, a 15 year old high school sophomore who had recently been hospitalized for depression, self-injury and suicidal ideation. When she was brought to our youth group by one of our “professional evangelism daters” we just weren’t sure what to do in order to walk with her and her family through the next couple of years. This started us on a journey of seeking to understand these fringe issues (which really aren’t fringe any longer), to be better equipped to love these kids that God was sending us. We believed we were called to be good stewards of the kids He sent us and that meant pulling our head out of the sand, rolling up our sleeves and getting our hands dirty.
Sin is such a complex issue, everything from understanding what it is to what it isn’t, to what are the systemic causes of it, to how we deal with the fallout of sin, to how we put programs in place to create an environment that not only discourages sin but fosters the belief that everyone, EVERYONE, is a child of God and treated accordingly.

Dr. Brene` Brown, in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power explains her research on the subject of shame as a study on the power of connection and the dangers of disconnection. When one considers the process to the product that is a sinful individual we must first understand that our primary drive is to be connected. God first existed in community and we are created in Their image, aren’t we? The longing to belong serves many purposes; survival, fulfillment, success, and procreation. Growing up as blank slates our families, environments, and culture shape how we “learn” to connect. We are taught skills and styles of connecting to others. Sometimes these means are healthy and affirming, and God honoring, placing God at the helm and others accordingly. Other times we are not taught healthy ways of connecting. We are taught that violence, aggression, manipulation and other illegitimate means are what are necessary to get what you need and want.

When we are not affirmed as worthy of being connected to others we learn to see ourselves as deficient, broken, not valuable, insignificant, etc., but our need for connection doesn’t leave us, we simply learn other ways to get what we need.

If this is done well, as God first intended, then it significantly increases the likelihood of having generations of people who choose to enter into a relationship with Him, just as He ordained from the beginning of time.
When this doesn’t go as God intended the opposite result is the outcome. Brokenness in God’s creation exists. God’s children all fighting and pining instead of cooperating to satisfy the deepest longings of their heart. Longings placed in them to direct them to God and each other, in that order. We experience sin and its collateral damage when we invert that order, placing me and others before our relationship with God the Father.

This is where sin becomes functional. Sin becomes a means to an end. For a long time we have demonized our sinful youth as just giving in to their hedonic nature. What if there was more going on than just simple pleasure seeking? What is we began to ask the question, “What purpose does sin have?”. Would this change the way we approach our youth and their sinful behaviors? What if we started having conversations about other ways, more God-honoring ways, to meet the deepest longings of their hearts? What if we spoke the language of their heart and longings? What if we told them of a God who can satisfy these longings in real ways, so that it is God’s love that draws them not the fear of Him. What if we created space in our homes and gathering places where youth felt they belonged and mattered? If we could do this, with the help of the Spirit, would they drop their cheap substitute (sin) for the real deal (God)? What do we have to lose?

6

In the wake of two superstorms youth workers will be loving on many of the youth whose families are trying to put their lives back together again. Here are some guidelines for working with kids through traumatic events.

CotF Admin's avatarconversations on the fringe

As a youthworker you may be struggling with how to talk with your students about a shooting rampage. It may be difficult to talk to your students about the devastation of an F4 tornado that wipes out a small town. It is important to remember that children look to the adults in their life to make them feel safe. This is true no matter what age the children are, be they toddlers, adolescents, or even young adults.

Consider the following tips for helping your students manage their distress.

Talk with your students. Talking to your students about their worries and concerns is the first step to help them feel safe and begin to cope with the events occurring around them. What you talk about and how you say it does depend on their age, but all students need to be able to know you are there listening to them.

  • Find…

View original post 497 more words

0

A WordPress.com Website.

Up ↑