conversations on the fringe

There are good reasons why competent adults find themselves uncommonly baffled when working with adolescents. As winsome as they may be at times, teenagers present youth workers and volunteers with challenges that other age groups do not.

First, teens are often an involuntary participant. They are in your office, groups, outreaches, programs, etc. because somebody else – parents, friends, grandparent, sibling – has thought it necessary that they be there. They often see their life as none of your business and their difficulties as not of their own making, and would much rather assign blame to the very people that make them attend your groups, to other’s misguided thinking, and to the wind and tides rather than assume accountability for their problems that you could assist them with.

Second, the symptoms with which reactive, angry, acting-out adolescents present can be very intimidating. They storm out of rooms, run crying into bathrooms with and entourage in tow, they cut their arms, punch walls, drink and drive, refuse to go to school, provoke arguments, and the like. If they’re really mad, they show it by locking themselves in their room, threatening suicide. Sometimes they don’t eat enough for their bodies to function. Sometimes they refuse to say anything at all. Adults often feel an enormous pressure to make the scary symptoms stop. Right away!

Third, teenagers – especially those who do not want to be in your youth group – don’t necessarily adhere to common social protocols that grease the sticky interactions that occasionally occur in first meetings between people. These students don’t care if you are more uncomfortable than they are in getting a conversation going. The look on their face just tells you that they think your youth group sucks. Some adolescents don’t want to make a good impression, or care if you like them (some would prefer that you didn’t), or be interested in what you have to say. This is in marked contrast to the encounters we have with more accommodating students, and it especially blindsides the adult volunteers who historically have banked on influencing students through the authority bestowed on them by age, status, or title.

THERE IS NO INFLUENCE WITHOUT A RELATIONSHIP!

“You go into this room with this person and a of kids you go to school with and you’re supposed to start telling them about your personal stuff. They always want me to talk about God and stuff but I don’t even know what I think about any of that stuff. I can barely get through each day. It’s so stupid, I mean, like, who is this person anyway? And they always act so caring and everything and they don’t even know you.”

– Michael, age 16

“They’re always asking you things like, ‘Do you know where you will go if you were to die tonight?’ and ‘What would God think about that?’. Dumb stuff like that. I mean, what did they think I would say after I got into a fight with my mom this morning? God, it’s just so frustrating to be asked these questions instead of having a normal conversation.”

 – Kim, age 14

“It’s like they try not to have any feelings themselves or something. I don’t know – it’s weird. It’s, like, they can’t just be normal people. I’ll be sharing something in my small group that was really funny and they will look mad because I’m not saying what they want to hear. Once, I was crying about when my boyfriend broke up with me and all she could say was how sad I must have felt. Yeah, like no kidding, lady. Couldn’t she have thought of anything better to say?”

– Angela, age 17

Fake. Not normal. Frustrating. Those poor youth workers probably thought they were doing a good job of being sympathetic and helpful and available. The students did not. Somewhere the connection was being missed. We need a more suitable matching between what we offer and what the adolescent needs and wants. There has to be a bridge by which we can walk across where trust can grow.

Trust is such a fragile thing in the beginning. Too often we lead with a punch (focus on behavior) and lose any chance we had at developing a meaningful rapport with the student.

We might do better at engaging the difficult student if we looked at our ministries from the other side. How does this particular adolescent experience our ministry from the beginning through his or her last connection?

Blaming teenagers for their indifference or negative reactions they have towards our Christianity is ridiculous and unfair. So many adolescents who are authentically curious and want help for whatever ails them can’t work within the interpersonal format offered and they are being dismissed as being unreachable. Some of these students are unworkable, at this time, but more are labeled that than need to be. Maybe it’s time to recognize that teenage resistance to Christianity is a reflection of our inability to provide access to our faith that is seen as attractive and useful.

NEW SERIES:  I am going pull the curtain back on my failures over the years in youth ministry in an attempt to serve as a warning to those just entering the field.  I have made my fair share of mistakes for all of us and wisdom often comes from reflecting on those mistakes.  So, here we go with blog post one of Rookie Mistakes: Pressuring Students to Change.

If someone besides a teenager wants them to change (e.g., stop a particular sin, get a job, hang out with different friends, read their bible more, etc.) that idea immediately becomes contaminated and runs the risk of getting rejected – even if it is desperately desired by the teenager himself/herself.  Now there are always exceptions of completely compliant teens but if that’s the case you likely have very little to change.  This one reason is why it’s rarely productive for adults, parents, youth workers, or anyone else to need changes to happen more than the teenager himself/herself.  We may want it desperately, but once we try to get the teenager to make a different move because we desire it, we run the risk of making the prospect of change vastly less appealing to the teen.  Some of us are tempted to simplify this into “oppositionalism”, but it’s really something different, more connected to issues of a budding desire for autonomy and propriety than to a frank need to play opposites for their own sake.

Is it ever productive to invite a young person like these to examine why they so defensively view their parents’ concerns as an offensive commandment to change – e.g., “Why do you think it’s so hard for you to do something just because others would like you to do it too?”, “Why don’t you just do it and be obedient to your _________ like the bible says?”  That kind of questioning will likely be met with resistance or a simple, “I dunno.”  It may be more profitable to get kids interested in their own “change style” before being asked to do anything with it.  This allows them to converse about it without feeling as if they are soon going to be told they must get rid of it.  What would we do if we thought that talking about a subject meant that we were going to be asked to take action on it based on someone else’s preference?  We be careful about what we talked about, wouldn’t we?  So is the teen who feels we have an agenda for them.  That’s what teenagers in our ministries do when they feel that bringing up a subject (i.e., cutting, sex, doubt, etc.) will mean the adults will ask them to make an immediate change, minimizing the complexity of their situation with an over-simplistic directive.

With pressure-free conversation in the works, however, opportunities appear for the adult volunteer, parent, or youth worker to address the “advantages” and “disadvantages” of the students style with him/her without sounding as if the conversation was a bait-and-switch tactic.  “Are you sure this works for you this way?” is one such example.  This time, when the student looks down and responds softly with “I don’t know”, he/she has not closed off the discussion but instead extended a quiet and beautiful invitation for us to help.

Some kids will only change when the change is mandated by an adult, but even then, in an attempt to maintain a sense of autonomy they may still support the behavior even if unable to participate in it. (smoking pot, staying past curfew, etc.).  We will serve our kids and their faith if we can teach them how to think rather than just telling them what to do.  I was almost always surprised that when I allowed room and time for a kid to make a decision they usually made the right one more often than not.

After taking some time off from blogging we’re getting back into the game.  Look for new posts coming soon.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 13,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

We’re taking a brief hiatus while we’re in Chicago for the first annual KidMin Conference, hosted by Group Publishing.  We’ll be joining Patti Gibbons and a few others to provide Simply Soul Care for KidMin staff and volunteers. 

Please join us this week in supporting those who serve our kids in their faith development.  What you do is extremely important. 

So, if you haven’t heard it recently…THANK YOU!  We couldn’t do this without you!

“We cannot love issues, but we can love people, and the love of people reveals to us the way to deal with issues.”

“When peacemaking is based on fear it is not much different that warmaking.”

“Only those who deeply know that they are loved and rejoice in that love can be true peacemakers.”

“Prayer – living in the presence of God – is the most radical peace action we can imagine.  Prayer is peacemaking and not simply the preparation before, the support during, and the thanksgiving after.”

“Prayer is not primarily a way to get something done.  In prayer we undo the fear of death and therefore the basis of all human destruction.”

Peacework (unpublished)

When working with kids, parents, volunteers, other staff most of our problems begin with a breakdown in communication.  Dr. Alan Godwin, a practicing psychologist certified in Alternative Dispute Resolution, writes in his book, “How to Solve Your People Problems” that when in conflict there are typically four types of problems we encounter and knowing which one we are dealing with is half the battle.

He says, “Pay attention the next time you’re in an argument or hear an argument.  You’ll probably notice at least four types of conflict problems:

• Preference Problems.  These problems result from actual differences.  One person prefers to do it one way, and the other person prefers to do it another way.  The differences of opinion may be significant or trivial.
• Perception Problems.  These problems result from perceived differences.  One person inaccurately attributes meaning to the words or actions of the other person.
• Process Problems.  These problems result from falling into the trap of bad conflict, such as buttons getting pushed, reactions taking over, and pushing the other’s buttons.  For instance, in the middle of a conversation, one person pushes the other person’s button by being sarcastic.  Suddenly the argument now involves two topics – the original issue plus a new one, the person’s sarcasm.
• Pressure Problems.  These are circumstances that make solving conflict problems more difficult.  Pressures from outside the relationship drain the time and energy needed to solve problems inside the relationship.  For instance, some couples are so pressured by limited time that they never sit down and work things through.  Other examples of pressure problems include financial difficulties, health problems, fatigue, and lack of privacy.

We solve perception problems by clearing up misperceptions.  We solve process problems by restricting our buttons, responding rather than reacting, and refraining from pushing buttons.  We solve pressure problems by acknowledging their effects and making the necessary adjustments.  Preference problems are solved by answering five questions.”

1. Which problem am I trying to fix?
2. Why do I feel so strongly?
3. How can we agree to fix this?
4. What will we do to implement it?
5. When will we evaluate it?

This has been a great framework for personal and professional use for addressing conflict.  Experts tell us that conflict is healthy and should be expected but rarely has a prescription for dealing with it been so concisely.

Reload 2011 from North Park University on Vimeo.

Reload Chicago is an exciting learning opportunity for urban youth workers.  This is an affordable, one day training event.  Reload will be hosted on the beautiful campus of North Park University.  We’ll be leading a workshop on how to minister to youth who have experienced abuse.  We’re hoping to see you there…

If the student was a follower/supporter of the bully:

1. Intervene Immediately
2. Provide a system of graceful accountability while allowing natural consequences to occur
3. Create opportunities to “do good”
4. Nurture empathy
5. Teach friendship skills – assertive, respectful, and peaceful ways to relate to others
6. Monitor/Criticize/Converse about TV shows, movies, music, and video games that reinforce violence against others
7. Engage in more constructive, entertaining, and energizing activities

If your student hurts others through gossip have them:

1. Apologize to the student who was hurts by the rumor
2. Go to everyone they told it to and have them tell them it wasn’t true
3. Ask them to stop spreading it
4. To the best of their ability, repair any damage done to the target by the act of spreading the rumor
5. Take the next step of building a new and healthier relationship

Three principles that foster moral independence:

1. Teach your students that he/she and only he/she is responsible for the consequences of his/her own action (kids who accept responsibility for their own actions are more likely to live up to their own moral code)
2. Build your student’s confidence in his or her ability to make good decisions (kids who have confidence in their own judgments are not easily manipulated by others)
3. Teach your students how to test reasons/motivations on his or her own (kids who have confidence in their own ability to reason are more questioning and more resistant to passive acceptance of others)