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Four Markers of Bullying


With every person we talk to about bullying we get a different definition of what it is.  There seems to be some difficulty defining what bullying is and what it isn’t.  Norwegian researcher Dan Olweus defines bullying as when the person is

“exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons.”

He defines negative actions as “when a person intentionally inflicts injury or discomfort upon another person, through physical contact, through words or in other ways.”

The following are markers that may help determine if an act of aggression is actually bullying or simply the result of conflict between two parties.

1. Imbalance of Power

The bully can be older, bigger, stronger, more verbally adapt, higher up on the social ladder, of a difference race, or of the opposite sex. Sheer numbers of kids banded together to bully can create this imbalance. Bullying is not sibling rivalry, nor is it fighting that involves two equally matched kids who have conflict.

2. Intent to Harm
 
The bully means to inflict emotional and/or physical pain, expects the action to hurt, and takes pleasure in witnessing the hurt. This is no accident or mistake, no slip of the tongue, no playful teasing, no misplaced foot, no inadvertent exclusion.
 
3. Threat of Further Aggression
 
Both the bully and the bullied know that the bullying can and probably will occur again. This is not meant to be a one time event. When bullying escalates unabated, a fourth element is added:
 
4. Terror
 
Bullying is systematic violence used to intimidate and maintain dominance. Terror struck in the heart of the child targeted is not only a means to an end, it is an end in itself. This is not a one time act of aggression elicited by anger about a specific issue, nor is it an impulsive response to a rebuke.
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Faith or Rigidity (Help, I Have an Aspie in my Youth Group!)


Left to their own devices, children with AD will often go through life like a train on a track: one way, straight ahead, never varying, and avoiding the unexpected.  It is hard to live a life of faith without the flexibility to take-risk, something that is difficult for an Apsie.  Aspie’s need to learn how to go off-roading..  Telling the child – and showing them through many experiences over the years – that taking risks and steps of faith is a good thing and to not be controlled by fear.  Compliment the child when they are flexible, bending and changing and trying new things.

Youth workers can partner with the parents by helping these children develop skills at surviving in the world.  Plan to take them places they might enjoy, such as restaurants, on public transportation, and to age-appropriate entertainment during youth group outings but be aware, that too much pressure to read so many pieces of sensory and social information at once can be exhausting and stressful.  Plan you activities accordingly.  It is appropriate to increase your expectation as the child gets older and working in partnership with the parents makes discerning this easier for the youth worker. 

This really is an issue of teaching the Aspie how to have faith.  Faith is a gift that is given to some of us by the Spirit in a supernatural way but a child with AD may struggle with the flexibility needed to respond to Spirit’s promptings.  Walking with and modeling way to do this will reinforce in the Aspie a healthy expression of faith where one can take risks in following the God who loves them and allows them a seat at the kingdom table.

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Youth Ministry 101 (Communication)


Efficient and clear communication is essential in the youth ministry world, whether it be between the Sr. Pastor and the Youth Pastor, student and volunteer, or between parents and youth workers.  Yet too often, we are not as aware as we coupld be of the skills of good communication.  Yes, we were trained in the art of speaking, preaching, and teaching but rarely are we taught how to listen well.

Good communication requires first of all quieting the the internal dialogue which often prevents us from listening clearly to others.  Particularly if we have a lot of negative or destructive ruminations swimming in our minds, we need to learn to still these internal voices.  When our internal world is quiet and calm, a balanced emotional awareness can develop and we are more able to see and hear others clearly.  We are also more likely to hear that small, still voice that guides us.

Next, we need to be able to listen.  Listening is a developed skill which requires practice and attention.  One of the keys to good listening is to avoid formulating a response until the person speaking is completely finished.  This is hard for us because we are training in the art of arguing our agenda.  If we are busy thinking of what we’re going to say next, we are probably not absorbing what the speaker is saying.  The next time you speak with a student or the Sr. Pastor, make a point of listening without reacting until they are finished speaking.  Then pause for a moment, take a deep breath, and let the other person know you have heard what they said before you proceed with your own feelings or opinions.  Repeating another person’s main messages for clarification is also useful.  You’ll be surprised sometimes at the difference between what you heard and what the speaker thought they said.  Discussing this can be very helpful.  In ministry, mistaken communication can come back to haunt you, so taking the time for clarification is very important.

Paying attention to nonverbal communication is just as important as listening carefully to verbal messages.  We communicate through our body language – gestures, eye movement, facial expressions, posture – just as much as through our words.  Good communicators know how to listen and respond to this nonverbal communication.  For instance, if a student assures you that things are going fine at home, but fidgets and looks nervously towards the door as they speak, you may want to gently inquire further about some of the specifics of the situation.  Make eye contact and use a gentle tone of voice when responding to these nonverbal clues.  Often a person expresses things through their body when they are uncomfortable articulating them openly.  If we remain calm and show respect for the student’s feeling, the student is more likely to feel that they can express their thoughts more directly.  Everyone benefits when communication is open and clear.

One final thought…when talking with others, as far as it’s possible by you, suspend immediate judgement whenever you can.  For example, a young teenage girl takes a huge risk by sharing with you that she cuts herself when she’s upset.  If you’re immediate response is to overreact and shame her or express disgust, you have effectively closed the door on the discussion.  She has just interpreted that as you cannot be trusted with sensitive information.  There will be a time to challenge certain beliefs and behaviors but keep the conversational door open long enough to establish trust and earn the opportunity to be heard.  The other person will be much more likely to hear what you have to say then.

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I Have An Aspie In My Youth Group!


In a setting which relies heavily on spoken and written words the Asperger’s child is at a disadvantage.  With a growing awareness of Asperger’s and its nuances youth ministries need to adjust some of their practices to make it more accessible to those who have traits of or a diagnosis of the disorder.

 There are three main interrelated general areas of functional liability in children with AD:

  1. Visual-spacial processing and sensory-motor integration
  2. Information processing and organizational skills
  3. Social skills and pragmatic language development

These areas will need to be discussed in greater detail by youth ministries as this is largely misunderstood people group that are not being effectively impacted with the Good News, not for a lack of want but likely from a lack of understanding and awareness on our part.  For the time being we’ll simply provide an overview of these three areas of difficulty and leave it up to you to contextualize in your ministry setting.

Visual-spacial processing and sensory-motor integration

Examples of visual-spacial skills include the ability to walk a narrow beam or to run while accurately throwing a ball to another person.  Most of us take these skills for granted.  You probably think nothing of the fact that you know the relative size of things.  When going to pick up a stack of books, you know that they will be heavier than the single book you just put down, and you’ll adjust your motor movement to account for that difference.  You take for granted that you can find your way from one place to another in a large building.  For youth with AD, the visual-spacial and visual discrimination skills required to accomplish all these activities are often impaired, contributing to a natural clumsiness and frequent experiences of getting lost.

Visual-spacial processing impacts learning in many ways and this has a direct impact on discipleship efforts, given that we primarily teach about our Christian faith like a classroom subject.  Students with AD find tasks such as handwriting, taking notes, and filling out forms and worksheets difficult at best and often impossible.  Given the difficulties these children have in visual spacial processing and coordinating sensory-motor integration, seemingly simple tasks are not simple and can impede their ability to grow and develop spiritually as their peers.  The problem is not one of failing to understand the task or not having the knowledge to complete the task (i.e., bible study); rather, the problem is that these youth have a specific disability that interferes with the processing of visual-motor and visual-spacial information.

Information processing and organizational skills

Processing the many forms of information that you encounter daily is dependent on a complex set of interconnections between multiple parts of the brain.  In students with AD this process is impaired, leaving them unable to easily or quickly make sense of simple day-to-day tasks (like homework or chores), or individual expectations (grooming or managing relationships).  The information goes in, but once it enters the labyrinth of the mind it becomes jumbled and their ability to organize, recall, or use the information is hindered by their cognitive processes.  Imagine trying to relate a parable of Jesus to a student with AD.  This can often appear on the surface to be oppositional in nature but upon further inspection it is simply the result of a complex cognitive process that has gone off the track.

Social skills and pragmatic language development

In the development of social skills and day-to-day language that conveys social meaning the AD child struggles.  This is partly due to the first two issues addressed above.  The student’s difficulties processing information and accurately comprehending the actions of others, along with spacial, motor, and organizational problems combine to create pain nd anxiety for the child.  Normal social interactions occur on so many levels at the same time, some overt (verbal messages) and some covert (hidden messages, tone of voice, nonverbal, gestures, body language, etc.).  Youth with AD do not fully grasp these nuances, missing social cues and implied meanings that others understand.  Aspies often take things at face value, interpreting statements literally, often missing sarcasm, subtly humor, or even threats. 

Just because a child has AD does not mean they will skip being a teenager.  The student is just as  likely to go through the normal variations of mood and personality as any teen; they just go through adolescence with more baggage.  The good news is that, developmentally, most of these teens are slower to become aware of adolescent issues of sexuality, drugs, or rebellion, but these issues will eventually come up  The social culture that our youth are a part of is difficult at best, and many of these teens are not prepared to deal with the pressures they face daily.  We have a tremendous opportunity to show the love of Christ to Aspies and their families by entering into the potential messiness of their day-to-day living and getting our hands dirty.  The message this sends when we seek to understand is that they matter.  They matter to us and more importantly, they matter to the God who created them.

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Troubleshooting Guide for Difficult Students


We’ve all met those oppositional students from time to time.  Maybe they suffered from R.A.D. (reactive attachment disorder) or some extreme form of A.D.H. D. or just simply suffered from a serious conduct disorder.  Regardless, we can find ourselves in a “battle of the wills” with these students and often in the middle of small group.  The following is not an exhaustive list but serves as a troubleshooting guide for handling some of the more common problems with difficult students.

Won’t Speak To You…

  •  Try to help the adolescent realize that you have no interest in making them talk.  It’s always going to be more important that the student wants to speak that the adult is spoken to.
  • In the spirit of collaboration, invite the student to help troubleshoot the silence with you.
  • Give them permission not to speak.  This way the pressure to speak is relaxed.

 Is Disrespectful During Youth Group Meetings…

  •  Deflect or ignore the comment so it can’t be taken personally.
  • Without challenging him/her, point out their role in the deterioration of the conversation/meeting.
  • Do not use your position as leverage.  This is usually about exerting autonomy and control.  Don’t fight fire with fire.
  • Use empathy to diminish defensiveness on the student’s part.

 Tries To Pick A Fight…

  •  Try forecasting the inevitable, and troubleshooting for it together in advance, is a handy was of defusing anticipated friction between adults and students.
  • Don’t assume you know what’s driving the behavior but asking what purpose this behavior serves can generate a good discussion.

 Talks About Everyone Else But Himself/Herself…

  •  Discussing one’s friends is often a testing ground to see how the adult will react when they share something personal.  Be careful regarding what you say because you will expose your judgments and values and send a message to the student that you are either safe to share with or someone to be avoided.

 Tells War Stories…

  •  Comment on the effect that the student’s actions are having on your time together, or on you, not their purpose.
  • Point out the dilemma this kind of story telling puts you in, if you point out the negative in this story it will likely impact your relationship with the student.  If you don’t, you may be enabling the student’s sin.  Ask the student how they would expect you to respond to these stories.
  • Be patient and don’t reinforce.
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Each Student is a Culture (art of connecting pt. 4)


The age of one-size-fits-all youth ministry is over.  It has to be.  We live in a dynamic time filled with diversity.  This is an exciting time to be in ministry to youth.  Our world is smaller than ever before.  Cultures are not only clashing but blending to create new expressions of culture.  In this new era of modern life(culture) context is king.

Think about your average youth group gathering.  Think about the different elements that are present in your group:

  • Countries of origin
  • Race and ethnicity
  • Religious background
  • Parenting styles that shaped them
  • Generational influences
  • Abilities and disabilities
  • Personality
  • Sexual orientation
  • Political leanings
  • Thinking styles
  • Values and beliefs
  • Style and tastes

Historically we would rush in with an attempt to connect with kids on our terms with our own personal culture leading the way (just a heads up, I’m pretty sure nobody listens to Petra anymore so don’t lead with that).  In other words, just like early missionaries did, we would try to strip them of their own culture and colonize them to be, think, look, and act just like us.  It’s no wonder they have gone underground.

Cultural Artifacts:

Instant digital music, iPods, YouTube videos, Facebook, etc.

What other cultural artifacts can you think of, as it relates to contemporary youth?

Values and Assumptions:

Individualism, consumerism, instant gratification, collaborations, cause-driven, tolerance, etc.

What other values and assumptions can you identify that are held by youth today?

Where did these values and assumptions come from?

Individual Personalities:

Jocks, emo, nerds, Queen Bee, bully, outgoing, shy, obnoxious, flirty, school spirit, etc.

What is the current dominant personality being presented by each individual student?

Is there a connection between the personality and behaviors? 

Often, all we see are the cultural artifacts and we base our own assumptions on these.

David Livermore, in his book Cultural Intelligence, says:

“When measuring your Cultural Intelligence, a few questions to ask yourself include:

  • Am I conscious of what I need to know about a culture that is unfamiliar to me?
  • Am I conscious of how my cultural background shapes the way I read the Bible?
  • Do I determine what I need to know about a culture before I interact with people from that culture?
  • Do I compare my previous ideas about a culture with what I actually experience during cross-cultural interactions?
  • Do I check for appropriate ways to talk about my faith in cross-cultural situations?”

Is it fair to expect that we should be intentionally asking ourselves these questions as it relates to working with youth today?  Can you image the amazing discussions you can have with your volunteers as you wrestle with these kinds of questions?

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Expectations of our Youth (art of connecting pt. 3)


In an experiment, piranha were placed in a large tank separated from their food by a see through glass divider.  After several days of ramming their heads against the glass divider the piranha learned that it was a futile effort to try and get the food.

The glass divider was then removed yet they starved to death while swimming freely in a place where there was food available.  The piranha had learned that their efforts were useless and came to believe that their situation would never change so they just accepted the “reality” of their experience.

Youth are especially susceptible to limiting beliefs about themselves.  When we make assumptions about students based on externals (i.e., clothing, music, language, behaviors, etc.) we often reinforce those limiting beliefs that they hold or are told about themselves.

Think for a moment how this might impact how you approach a new student.  Think about your personal values and biases and how they impact the initial encounters with students you are trying to connect with.

Here are two scenarios illustrating this very idea:

1.  John – He shows up to your youth group on Sunday night with some of the other popular kids from your church.  He is wearing a football jersey and is relatively good looking.  He appears to be very outgoing and has an air of confidence about him.  You instantly like him and are drawn to him.  In your mind you envision him being a primary influencer of other students and hope to get him on board with being a peer leader.  You can see that potential within the first few minutes of meeting him.

2.  Sarah – She shows up wearing dark eyeliner, dark clothes, and her hair is dyed with blond, pink and black highlights.  He black cargo pants are too big and have babypins up and down on leg.  She wears lots of bracelets on her wrists and her shirt is a concert tee from the band Rise Against.  She moves slowly and doesn’t talk to a lot of other students.  She has writing on her hands and arms as well.  You assume she comes from a home where her parents don’t pay much attention to her (because who would let their kid leave the house looking like this, right?).  She’s probably a cutter, which means she’s probably been abused or at the very least is depressed.  This kid really needs Jesus and you will do your best to introduce her to the one that will make it all better.

These are pretty typical students to show up at youth group.  And our biases and values play an unwitting role in determining how we will interact with each of them.  Here’s what you don’t know:

1.  John – He sells prescription drugs he gets from doctors from an old football injury.  He sells his Vicodin to his friends so they can amplify their buzz while drinking.  He also steals the Vicodin from his mother’s purse when she’s asleep to buy alcohol with.  She sleeps so much because she has to work two jobs because John’s dad was recently layed-off and has been drinking to manage his depression.  His motive for coming to your youth group was to find new customers to sell his product to.  Nobody suspects him because he looks like the “All-American Boy” and is an athletic hero for your small community.

2.  Sarah – She has an intact family that is supportive and allows her to be expressive of her identity.  She is artistic and writes poetry, draws, and plays the piano.  He heart breaks for her friends and she wants nothing more than to see them come to youth group and find and follow Christ.  She has a prayer journal bigger than your bible and most of her prayers are for her hurting friends.  She volunteers at the Special Olympics because her younger brother has Downs Syndrome and she is passionate about helping others.  She sometimes feels alone but is usually emotionally secure.  People tend to avoid her because of how she looks and dresses.

Back to the piranha, when we respond to students, based on our perceptions, biases, values, and expectations there is the possibility that we will play a role in limiting who they were created to be.  If the case of John, people can unintentionally reinforce his sinful behavior by acting only on their assumptions that his is the “All-American Kid” and worthy of our praise.  The result is that John learns that all the bad stuff he is doing is ok so long as he continues to play the roles we want him to play.

In the case of misunderstood Sarah, it won’t be long before she submits to the preconceived ideas and expectations that other hold her to.  It’s hard for a solitary teenager to stand up underneath that kind of force, regardless of how supportive her family is.  Her joy and confidence will leak over time.

As we approach students in an effort to connect let’s check our biases and expectations at the door and just allow the students to be who they are, the good, the bad, and the ugly, because that is honest.  It is authentic.  It is transparent and it’s a great place to start.

  • What kinds of kids do you most naturally connect with?
  • What kinds of kids do you struggle to connect with?
  • What role, if any, do your personal biases play in how you interact with both kinds of students?
  • What would help you remain objective when first meeting a student?
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Cultivating a Spirit of Learning (art of connecting pt. 2)


Immaculate was a foreign exchange student from Kampala, Uganda.  She was new to our country and culture.  When asked about how she felt when people noticed she was different she responded:

“It’s okay to ask.  People sometimes notice something special about me – my accent, the way I look – and that’s okay.  It’s just normal.  When they ask, they can learn from the things that are different.  If they don’t ask about it, I worry that they don’t like me.”

Kids can smell feigned interest like a fart in a car.  They sense genuiness like a sixth sense.  They know if you are truely interested in them and seem to be able to tell if you have an alterior motive for paying attention to them.  (we’ll address motives in a later blog)

Historically, many of the kids in our youth groups have felt like projects.  Projects that we were trying to fix.  We’ve long suspected this was the case but our focus groups support this theory.  One of the many reasons kids are dropping out during and afer high school is beause they don’t feel like the adults (or peer leaders) accepted them for who they really are just what they can do for them (bolster our attendance, serve on a project, increase our outreach efforts, etc.).  They often express feeling like they were a means to an end, like any information they gathered about a student was just to be used later to make them do something, even something determined “good”.

Youth workers are a curious lot to begin with but when we become curious about the students we interact with it communicates many things to them.  When we show interest, real interest, we are saying to them that they are interesting, important, valuable, worth my time, that they belong, that they matter and are wanted, that we are interested in their uniqueness, and that this is a safe place/space to be their true self as they explore the challenges of adolescence.

  • Have you ever had a conversation with a student that served no other purpose but to just know the kids better?
  • Do you know about your kid’s deepest longings, dream, hopes, fear, insecurities?
  • How can you move beyond questions like, “What’s your favorite video game?” to “Where in your life do you sense God moving in your life?
  • How do you cultivate a spirit of curiosity in your life, your volunteers, parents, and student leaders?

Curiosity is inherently friendly.  Because our attention is outwardly focused, curiosity sets us up to be successful in connecting with students and moving towards real authentic community.

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Building Bridges (art of connecting pt. 1)


One of the Apostle Paul’s most famous speeches took place at Mars Hill, the Areopagus, in Athens.  He noted that they appeared to be a very religious lot of people due to the sheer number of statues they had to their gods.  In a brilliant move he identified the one statue that was for the “unknown” god and he saw his bridge.  Paul then launched into his epic sermon about the “unknown” God and described our Father to the Greeks.  He masterfully used a technique called bridge building to connect with his audience.

Kids today are completely enmeshed in pop culture.  We could, and should be aware of what is shaping our youth today and much of what we see and hear impacts them more than we know.  But I’m not simply talking about knowing what the newest Katy Perry song is blazing up the charts, what I’m talking about is building a bridge with a language of the soul.

In order to connect with young people they first have to know that you’re interested and trustworthy.  They are most likely already suspicious of adults anyway.  Too often we have an agenda for them and they know that.  It’s what drives them underground many times.  What we’re talking about here is a fundamental belief that we have something in common with the young people we love and hope to reach.

If we say things like, “Teens today are just so much more _________ than we were.” or “Kids today are just lazy and apathetic.” we create distance between us and them.  If we fail to see that they have the same longings that drove us then and drive us now there will be no bridge to walk across.  All we will have to work with is a shallow relationship and all the change we’re likely to affect is shallow compliance to an empty belief system.  We have to find common ground and that common ground should be our shared humanity.

In his ground breaking book Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers, Chap Clark identifies six intrinsic longings of all students.  Those longings are: to belong, to matter, to be wanted, to be uniquely ourselves, for a safe place, and to be taken seriously.  Who among us can’t relate to those longings?  I work with drug addicted emerging adults.  Daily they express to me their desire to satisfy those very longings and that much of their behavior was an attempt to do just that.

After some small talk I usually ask a student where in their life do they feel they belong.  Where do they and what do they do that makes them feel like they matter?  Who takes you seriously?  Where are the safest places for you to just be yourself?  These are the questions that matter to students even if they don’t have the language to articulate them.

What the Apostle Paul did was provide an opportunity for those in the crowd to have their longings satisfied in a permanent manner by depending on the One true God.  A civilization that worships everything is an empty civilization desperately searching for meaning.  They apparently hadn’t found that in the many false gods they worshipped.

We have the same opportunity to connect the kids in our community to the very God that Paul preached about to the Greeks but first we must take to time to build a bridge by learning about them and their longings.  There is ALWAYS a bridge and it’s up to us to find it.

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