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Youth Ministry 101 (Communication)


Efficient and clear communication is essential in the youth ministry world, whether it be between the Sr. Pastor and the Youth Pastor, student and volunteer, or between parents and youth workers.  Yet too often, we are not as aware as we coupld be of the skills of good communication.  Yes, we were trained in the art of speaking, preaching, and teaching but rarely are we taught how to listen well.

Good communication requires first of all quieting the the internal dialogue which often prevents us from listening clearly to others.  Particularly if we have a lot of negative or destructive ruminations swimming in our minds, we need to learn to still these internal voices.  When our internal world is quiet and calm, a balanced emotional awareness can develop and we are more able to see and hear others clearly.  We are also more likely to hear that small, still voice that guides us.

Next, we need to be able to listen.  Listening is a developed skill which requires practice and attention.  One of the keys to good listening is to avoid formulating a response until the person speaking is completely finished.  This is hard for us because we are training in the art of arguing our agenda.  If we are busy thinking of what we’re going to say next, we are probably not absorbing what the speaker is saying.  The next time you speak with a student or the Sr. Pastor, make a point of listening without reacting until they are finished speaking.  Then pause for a moment, take a deep breath, and let the other person know you have heard what they said before you proceed with your own feelings or opinions.  Repeating another person’s main messages for clarification is also useful.  You’ll be surprised sometimes at the difference between what you heard and what the speaker thought they said.  Discussing this can be very helpful.  In ministry, mistaken communication can come back to haunt you, so taking the time for clarification is very important.

Paying attention to nonverbal communication is just as important as listening carefully to verbal messages.  We communicate through our body language – gestures, eye movement, facial expressions, posture – just as much as through our words.  Good communicators know how to listen and respond to this nonverbal communication.  For instance, if a student assures you that things are going fine at home, but fidgets and looks nervously towards the door as they speak, you may want to gently inquire further about some of the specifics of the situation.  Make eye contact and use a gentle tone of voice when responding to these nonverbal clues.  Often a person expresses things through their body when they are uncomfortable articulating them openly.  If we remain calm and show respect for the student’s feeling, the student is more likely to feel that they can express their thoughts more directly.  Everyone benefits when communication is open and clear.

One final thought…when talking with others, as far as it’s possible by you, suspend immediate judgement whenever you can.  For example, a young teenage girl takes a huge risk by sharing with you that she cuts herself when she’s upset.  If you’re immediate response is to overreact and shame her or express disgust, you have effectively closed the door on the discussion.  She has just interpreted that as you cannot be trusted with sensitive information.  There will be a time to challenge certain beliefs and behaviors but keep the conversational door open long enough to establish trust and earn the opportunity to be heard.  The other person will be much more likely to hear what you have to say then.

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Each Student is a Culture (art of connecting pt. 4)


The age of one-size-fits-all youth ministry is over.  It has to be.  We live in a dynamic time filled with diversity.  This is an exciting time to be in ministry to youth.  Our world is smaller than ever before.  Cultures are not only clashing but blending to create new expressions of culture.  In this new era of modern life(culture) context is king.

Think about your average youth group gathering.  Think about the different elements that are present in your group:

  • Countries of origin
  • Race and ethnicity
  • Religious background
  • Parenting styles that shaped them
  • Generational influences
  • Abilities and disabilities
  • Personality
  • Sexual orientation
  • Political leanings
  • Thinking styles
  • Values and beliefs
  • Style and tastes

Historically we would rush in with an attempt to connect with kids on our terms with our own personal culture leading the way (just a heads up, I’m pretty sure nobody listens to Petra anymore so don’t lead with that).  In other words, just like early missionaries did, we would try to strip them of their own culture and colonize them to be, think, look, and act just like us.  It’s no wonder they have gone underground.

Cultural Artifacts:

Instant digital music, iPods, YouTube videos, Facebook, etc.

What other cultural artifacts can you think of, as it relates to contemporary youth?

Values and Assumptions:

Individualism, consumerism, instant gratification, collaborations, cause-driven, tolerance, etc.

What other values and assumptions can you identify that are held by youth today?

Where did these values and assumptions come from?

Individual Personalities:

Jocks, emo, nerds, Queen Bee, bully, outgoing, shy, obnoxious, flirty, school spirit, etc.

What is the current dominant personality being presented by each individual student?

Is there a connection between the personality and behaviors? 

Often, all we see are the cultural artifacts and we base our own assumptions on these.

David Livermore, in his book Cultural Intelligence, says:

“When measuring your Cultural Intelligence, a few questions to ask yourself include:

  • Am I conscious of what I need to know about a culture that is unfamiliar to me?
  • Am I conscious of how my cultural background shapes the way I read the Bible?
  • Do I determine what I need to know about a culture before I interact with people from that culture?
  • Do I compare my previous ideas about a culture with what I actually experience during cross-cultural interactions?
  • Do I check for appropriate ways to talk about my faith in cross-cultural situations?”

Is it fair to expect that we should be intentionally asking ourselves these questions as it relates to working with youth today?  Can you image the amazing discussions you can have with your volunteers as you wrestle with these kinds of questions?

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Expectations of our Youth (art of connecting pt. 3)


In an experiment, piranha were placed in a large tank separated from their food by a see through glass divider.  After several days of ramming their heads against the glass divider the piranha learned that it was a futile effort to try and get the food.

The glass divider was then removed yet they starved to death while swimming freely in a place where there was food available.  The piranha had learned that their efforts were useless and came to believe that their situation would never change so they just accepted the “reality” of their experience.

Youth are especially susceptible to limiting beliefs about themselves.  When we make assumptions about students based on externals (i.e., clothing, music, language, behaviors, etc.) we often reinforce those limiting beliefs that they hold or are told about themselves.

Think for a moment how this might impact how you approach a new student.  Think about your personal values and biases and how they impact the initial encounters with students you are trying to connect with.

Here are two scenarios illustrating this very idea:

1.  John – He shows up to your youth group on Sunday night with some of the other popular kids from your church.  He is wearing a football jersey and is relatively good looking.  He appears to be very outgoing and has an air of confidence about him.  You instantly like him and are drawn to him.  In your mind you envision him being a primary influencer of other students and hope to get him on board with being a peer leader.  You can see that potential within the first few minutes of meeting him.

2.  Sarah – She shows up wearing dark eyeliner, dark clothes, and her hair is dyed with blond, pink and black highlights.  He black cargo pants are too big and have babypins up and down on leg.  She wears lots of bracelets on her wrists and her shirt is a concert tee from the band Rise Against.  She moves slowly and doesn’t talk to a lot of other students.  She has writing on her hands and arms as well.  You assume she comes from a home where her parents don’t pay much attention to her (because who would let their kid leave the house looking like this, right?).  She’s probably a cutter, which means she’s probably been abused or at the very least is depressed.  This kid really needs Jesus and you will do your best to introduce her to the one that will make it all better.

These are pretty typical students to show up at youth group.  And our biases and values play an unwitting role in determining how we will interact with each of them.  Here’s what you don’t know:

1.  John – He sells prescription drugs he gets from doctors from an old football injury.  He sells his Vicodin to his friends so they can amplify their buzz while drinking.  He also steals the Vicodin from his mother’s purse when she’s asleep to buy alcohol with.  She sleeps so much because she has to work two jobs because John’s dad was recently layed-off and has been drinking to manage his depression.  His motive for coming to your youth group was to find new customers to sell his product to.  Nobody suspects him because he looks like the “All-American Boy” and is an athletic hero for your small community.

2.  Sarah – She has an intact family that is supportive and allows her to be expressive of her identity.  She is artistic and writes poetry, draws, and plays the piano.  He heart breaks for her friends and she wants nothing more than to see them come to youth group and find and follow Christ.  She has a prayer journal bigger than your bible and most of her prayers are for her hurting friends.  She volunteers at the Special Olympics because her younger brother has Downs Syndrome and she is passionate about helping others.  She sometimes feels alone but is usually emotionally secure.  People tend to avoid her because of how she looks and dresses.

Back to the piranha, when we respond to students, based on our perceptions, biases, values, and expectations there is the possibility that we will play a role in limiting who they were created to be.  If the case of John, people can unintentionally reinforce his sinful behavior by acting only on their assumptions that his is the “All-American Kid” and worthy of our praise.  The result is that John learns that all the bad stuff he is doing is ok so long as he continues to play the roles we want him to play.

In the case of misunderstood Sarah, it won’t be long before she submits to the preconceived ideas and expectations that other hold her to.  It’s hard for a solitary teenager to stand up underneath that kind of force, regardless of how supportive her family is.  Her joy and confidence will leak over time.

As we approach students in an effort to connect let’s check our biases and expectations at the door and just allow the students to be who they are, the good, the bad, and the ugly, because that is honest.  It is authentic.  It is transparent and it’s a great place to start.

  • What kinds of kids do you most naturally connect with?
  • What kinds of kids do you struggle to connect with?
  • What role, if any, do your personal biases play in how you interact with both kinds of students?
  • What would help you remain objective when first meeting a student?
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Cultivating a Spirit of Learning (art of connecting pt. 2)


Immaculate was a foreign exchange student from Kampala, Uganda.  She was new to our country and culture.  When asked about how she felt when people noticed she was different she responded:

“It’s okay to ask.  People sometimes notice something special about me – my accent, the way I look – and that’s okay.  It’s just normal.  When they ask, they can learn from the things that are different.  If they don’t ask about it, I worry that they don’t like me.”

Kids can smell feigned interest like a fart in a car.  They sense genuiness like a sixth sense.  They know if you are truely interested in them and seem to be able to tell if you have an alterior motive for paying attention to them.  (we’ll address motives in a later blog)

Historically, many of the kids in our youth groups have felt like projects.  Projects that we were trying to fix.  We’ve long suspected this was the case but our focus groups support this theory.  One of the many reasons kids are dropping out during and afer high school is beause they don’t feel like the adults (or peer leaders) accepted them for who they really are just what they can do for them (bolster our attendance, serve on a project, increase our outreach efforts, etc.).  They often express feeling like they were a means to an end, like any information they gathered about a student was just to be used later to make them do something, even something determined “good”.

Youth workers are a curious lot to begin with but when we become curious about the students we interact with it communicates many things to them.  When we show interest, real interest, we are saying to them that they are interesting, important, valuable, worth my time, that they belong, that they matter and are wanted, that we are interested in their uniqueness, and that this is a safe place/space to be their true self as they explore the challenges of adolescence.

  • Have you ever had a conversation with a student that served no other purpose but to just know the kids better?
  • Do you know about your kid’s deepest longings, dream, hopes, fear, insecurities?
  • How can you move beyond questions like, “What’s your favorite video game?” to “Where in your life do you sense God moving in your life?
  • How do you cultivate a spirit of curiosity in your life, your volunteers, parents, and student leaders?

Curiosity is inherently friendly.  Because our attention is outwardly focused, curiosity sets us up to be successful in connecting with students and moving towards real authentic community.

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Building Bridges (art of connecting pt. 1)


One of the Apostle Paul’s most famous speeches took place at Mars Hill, the Areopagus, in Athens.  He noted that they appeared to be a very religious lot of people due to the sheer number of statues they had to their gods.  In a brilliant move he identified the one statue that was for the “unknown” god and he saw his bridge.  Paul then launched into his epic sermon about the “unknown” God and described our Father to the Greeks.  He masterfully used a technique called bridge building to connect with his audience.

Kids today are completely enmeshed in pop culture.  We could, and should be aware of what is shaping our youth today and much of what we see and hear impacts them more than we know.  But I’m not simply talking about knowing what the newest Katy Perry song is blazing up the charts, what I’m talking about is building a bridge with a language of the soul.

In order to connect with young people they first have to know that you’re interested and trustworthy.  They are most likely already suspicious of adults anyway.  Too often we have an agenda for them and they know that.  It’s what drives them underground many times.  What we’re talking about here is a fundamental belief that we have something in common with the young people we love and hope to reach.

If we say things like, “Teens today are just so much more _________ than we were.” or “Kids today are just lazy and apathetic.” we create distance between us and them.  If we fail to see that they have the same longings that drove us then and drive us now there will be no bridge to walk across.  All we will have to work with is a shallow relationship and all the change we’re likely to affect is shallow compliance to an empty belief system.  We have to find common ground and that common ground should be our shared humanity.

In his ground breaking book Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers, Chap Clark identifies six intrinsic longings of all students.  Those longings are: to belong, to matter, to be wanted, to be uniquely ourselves, for a safe place, and to be taken seriously.  Who among us can’t relate to those longings?  I work with drug addicted emerging adults.  Daily they express to me their desire to satisfy those very longings and that much of their behavior was an attempt to do just that.

After some small talk I usually ask a student where in their life do they feel they belong.  Where do they and what do they do that makes them feel like they matter?  Who takes you seriously?  Where are the safest places for you to just be yourself?  These are the questions that matter to students even if they don’t have the language to articulate them.

What the Apostle Paul did was provide an opportunity for those in the crowd to have their longings satisfied in a permanent manner by depending on the One true God.  A civilization that worships everything is an empty civilization desperately searching for meaning.  They apparently hadn’t found that in the many false gods they worshipped.

We have the same opportunity to connect the kids in our community to the very God that Paul preached about to the Greeks but first we must take to time to build a bridge by learning about them and their longings.  There is ALWAYS a bridge and it’s up to us to find it.

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Disabled Youth and Youth Ministry Gatherings (pt. 1 – overview)


This is the first in a series of posts on youth ministry and youth with disabilities.

While accommodations may be needed to integrate people with disabilities into your youth ministry group settings, it is important to first emphasize what all group members have in common.  Youth workers can emphasize to the group that, despite a wide variety of individual differences, all members are there for the same reasons.  Everyone is present to explore what it means to be a part of God’s unfolding story.

Some groups with a single person who has a visible disability may meet on a regular basis, and disabilities are never discussed.  For other groups, this topic may emerge quickly.  Although it’s not possible to have one rule that applies to all situations, there are some common considerations.  Group members should be oriented to any special considerations that someone with a disability may require in order to effectively participate.  Discussions about an individual’s disability can be quite therapeutic to the one with a disability and likewise educational to those who do not.

Group members (students and adults) can be trained to assist in making accommodations for peers who have disabilities.  It is important, however, to work with nondisabled students to minimize their enabling of or overcompensating for people with disabilities.  It is appropriate to describe to the group the practical aspects of helping the person with a disability, and ask that person to describe what he or she expects people around him or her to do.  It is not uncommon for a person with a disability to ask for assistance when needed however, for a person with less awareness or acceptance of their disability, it is important that peers are aware of what is appropriate help to offer.

When working with people with disabilities in a group setting, youth workers may find it useful to alter group participation expectations, limit the time in group, and work with the group to extend the group learning experience outside the confines of the group meeting.  While the actual accommodations used will likely be tailored to each individual, there are some general strategies (to be discussed in future posts) that have been successful in making the youth group gatherings more accessible for individuals with particular types of disabilities. (i.e., sensory disabilities, cognitive and intellectual disabilities, and physical disabilities)

One simple question:

Are your youth group gatherings welcoming and accessible to youth with disabilities?

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