Suicide

Unhealthy Family System Model (Exploring Family pt. 2)

Most members of unhealthy family models oscillate between extremes of behavior choosing, mostly unconsciously, whichever behavior promises the greatest chance of surviving the moment. You may see many of the following extremes in youth in your ministries. It’s important to understand that these behaviors are functional and serve a purpose for these kids. Understanding that will help you know what they need from us most.

High Intensity vs. Shutdown: Alternating between feeling overwhelmed with emotional vs. physiological responses and shutting down.

Overfunctioning vs. Underfunctioning: Alternating between working overtime to fill in what is missing vs. falling apart or barely holding it together.

Enmeshment vs. Disengagement: Alternating between being overclose or fused in identities vs. avoidance, or cutting off leading to disengagement.

Impulsivity vs. Rigidity: Alternating between behavior that leads to chaos vs. rigid, controlling behavior.

Grandiosity vs. Low Self-Worth: Alternating between grandiose ideas and fantasies vs. feelings of low self-worth.

Denial vs. Despair: Alternating between a state in which reality is denied or rewritten vs. despair, helplessness (or rage at having life as we know it slip away).

Abuser vs. Victim: Alternating between the role of victim vs. the role of perpetrator.

Caretaking vs. Neglect: Alternating between over concern leading toward enmeshment vs. underconcern leading toward disengagement.

Living with dysfunction is traumatizing to the body as well as the mind. And living in this kind of system can lead to the kind of emotional deregulation that makes us want to turn to high-risk behaviors (substance use, unsafe sexual behavior, self-injury or violence towards others) to regain a sense of calm and regulation that dysfunction undermines. The kids in our ministries are not typically “bad kids” making immoral choices because they lack long-term consequential thought processes. Often the behaviors we see in our kids is simply their best attempt to manage life and survive in a world where most of the adults have left them to fend for themselves.

July 16, 2011 0

A Prayer When I Feel Hated

Loving God, you made me who I am.
I praise you and I love you, for I am wonderfully made,
in your own image.

But when people make fun of me,
I feel hurt and embarrassed and even ashamed.
So please God, help me remember my own goodness,
which lies in you.
Help me remember my dignity,
which you gave me when I was conceived.
Help me remember that I can live a life of love.
Because you created my heart.

Be with me when people make fun of me,
and help me to respond how you would want me to,
in a love that respects other, but also respects me.
Help me find friends who love me for who I am.
Help me, most of all, to be a loving person.

And God, help me remember that Jesus loves me.
For he was seen as an outcast, too.
He was misunderstood, too.
He was beaten and spat upon.
Jesus understands me, and loves me with a special love,
because of the way you made me.

And when I am feeling lonely,
help me remember that Jesus welcomed everyone as a friend.
Jesus reminded everyone that God loved them.
And Jesus encouraged everyone to embrace their dignity,
even when others were blind to that dignity.
Jesus loved everyone with the love that you gave him.
And he loves me, too.

One more thing, God:
Help me remember that nothing is impossible with you,
that you have a way of making things better,
that you can find a way of love for me,
even if I can’t see it right now.
Help me remember all these things in the heart you created,
loving God. Amen.

James Martin, SJ, is a Jesuit priest and the author of The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything and My Life with the Saints.

December 1, 2010 2

Mad As Hell

Conversations on the Fringe vehemently opposes bullying of any kind. When what we say and do to another person causes so much pain and suffering that the only option they can come up with is to end their own life, that is a travesty! We mourn the loss of Billy Lucas 15, Asher Brown 13, Seth Walsh 13, Tyler Clementi 19, Raymond Chase 18. All took their life for fear of being ridiculed, bullied, or marginalized. This cannot be tolerated and CotF will stand with the other voices denouncing these AVOIDABLE deaths.

Please watch the following videos and share them with your friends.

October 5, 2010 0

Suicide Grief: Living in the Aftermath of a Suicide

A student’s suicide can be emotionally devastating. Using and modeling healthy coping strategies — such as seeking support — will help you and others on the journey to healing and acceptance.

When a student dies, your grief may be heart-wrenching. When a student commits suicide, your reaction may be more complicated. Overwhelming emotions may leave you reeling — and you may be consumed by guilt, wondering if you could have done something to prevent this young person’s death. As you face life after a student’s suicide, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone.

Brace for powerful emotions

Suicide can trigger intense emotions. For example:

Shock. Disbelief and emotional numbness may set in. You may think that student’s suicide couldn’t possibly be real.

Anger. You may be angry with your student for abandoning their family, ministry, and friends or for leaving a legacy of grief — or angry with yourself or others for missing clues about suicidal intentions.

Guilt. You may replay “what if” and “if only” scenarios in your mind, blaming yourself for your student’s death.

Despair. You may be gripped by sadness, depression and a sense of defeat or hopelessness. You may have a physical collapse or even consider suicide yourself.

You may continue to experience intense reactions during the weeks and months after a student’s suicide — including nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, social withdrawal and loss of interest in usual activities — especially if you were the last person they called or you witnessed or discovered the suicide.

Adopt healthy coping strategies

The aftermath of a student’s suicide can be physically and emotionally exhausting. As you work through your grief and help others with theirs, be careful to protect your own well-being.

Keep in touch. Reach out to family, friends and spiritual leaders for comfort, understanding and healing. Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen when you need to talk, as well as those who will simply offer a shoulder to lean on when you’d rather be silent.

Grieve in your own way. Do what’s right for you, not necessarily someone else. If you find it too painful to visit your student’s gravesite or share the details of their death, wait until you’re ready. It is not healthy to be “Superman” or “Superwoman”.

Be prepared for painful reminders. Anniversaries, holidays and other special occasions can be painful reminders of a student’s suicide. Don’t chide yourself for being sad or mournful. Instead, consider changing or suspending ministry meetings that are too painful to continue.

Don’t rush yourself. Losing someone to suicide is a tremendous blow, and healing must occur at its own pace. Don’t be hurried by anyone else’s expectations that it’s been “long enough.”

Expect setbacks. Some days will be better than others, even years after the suicide — and that’s OK. Healing doesn’t often happen in a straight line.

Consider a support group for families/friends affected by suicide. Sharing your story with others who are experiencing the same type of grief may help you find a sense of purpose or strength.

Suicide grief: Healing after a student’s suicide

Know when to seek professional help

If you experience intense or unrelenting anguish or physical problems, consider asking your doctor or mental health provider for help. Seeking professional help is especially important if you think you might be depressed or you have recurring thoughts of suicide. Keep in mind that unresolved grief can turn into complicated grief, where painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble resuming your own life.

Depending on the circumstances, you might benefit from individual or family therapy — either to get you through the worst of the crisis or to help you adjust to life after the suicide. Medication can be helpful in some cases, too.

Face the future with a sense of peace

In the aftermath of a student’s suicide, you may feel like you can’t continue in ministry or that you’ll never enjoy life again. In truth, you may always wonder why it happened — and reminders may trigger painful feelings even years later. Eventually, however, the raw intensity of your grief will fade. The tragedy of the suicide won’t dominate your days and nights. Understanding the complicated legacy of suicide and God, through the Holy Spirit, will guide us through the palpable grief will help you find peace and healing, without forgetting you’re your student.

September 17, 2010 1

PTSD and the Youth Worker

Suicide, sexual abuse, drive by shootings, car accidents, date rape. These events and many other traumatic events occur on a seemingly regular basis and can impact the surviving student(s), families, or youth workers more deeply than imagined. If you work with kids long enough then you will experience a traumatic event and it will serve you well to understand the phenomenon of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that is often left in the wake of a horrible event.

The following is an overview of what PTSD might look like in your youth, their families, and those that serve them.

Many triggers in the present environment can activate traumatic memory material and stimulate intrusions. Triggers are cues – often harmless – that have become associated with the original trauma. In some way, they remind us of the trauma or recall traumatic memories. The association may be obvious or subtle. They may trigger most of the memory or just certain fragments of it. Often, they trigger intrusions against our will. Recognizing triggers, and realizing that their power to elicit intrusions is understandable, are steps towards controlling its effects on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Some people find it helpful to understand triggers by their twelve categories:

Visual: seeing blood or road kill reminds one of wounded bodies; black garbage bags can remind us of body bags; a secretary sees her boss standing over her and is reminded of her abusive father.
Sound (auditory): a backfiring car sounds like gunshot to a veteran or inner city youth exposed to street violence; sounds during lovemaking remind one of sexual abuse.
Smell (olfactory): the smell of semen or another’s body during intercourse, or the smell of cologne or aftershave reminds one of sexual assault.
Taste (gustatory): eating a hamburger reminds one of an automobile accident that occurred as one drove away from a fast food restaurant.
Physical or Body

Kinesthetic means the sensation of movement, tension, or body position. Thus, running when tense might be reminiscent of trying to flee a beating; trying to do progressive muscle relaxation (tensing muscles, lying on one’s back with eyes closed) might trigger memories of sexual abuse.
Tactile or touch: pressure around wrists or waist, being gripped, held, or otherwise restrained (perhaps even a hug) reminds one of torture or rape; feeling someone on top of you; a man accidentally kicked in bed by his wife while sleeping recalls a midnight attack while in prison; being touch during sexual relations with a loved one in the same place or in the same way as occurred during abuse will likely trigger traumatic memories.
Pain or other internal sensations; surgical pain, nausea, headaches, or back pain might trigger memories of torture or rape. Elevated heart rate from exercising at night might remind one of a similar sensation during a high stress encounter such as a drive by shooting.

6. Significant Dates or Seasons

Anniversary dates of the trauma
Seasons of the year with their accompanying stimuli (temperature, lighting, colors, sounds)
Other dates (e.g., a mother becomes distressed on the date of her murdered son would have graduated)

7. Stressful Events/Arousal: Sometimes changes in the brain due to the trauma cause it to interpret any stress signals as a recurrence of the original trauma. At other times, seemingly unrelated events are actually triggers. Examples include:

A woman visits her spouse in the hospital which triggers a flashback of grief and loss. As a young woman she has a late term miscarriage in the same hospital.
An argument with a significant other triggers memories of parents arguing violently.
Criticism from a teacher reminds a person of being abused by his father.
A frightening dream with no apparent related theme activates the fear of a traumatic memory. (Of course, a nightmare of the trauma would understandably elicit strong feelings of distress.)
Athletic competition reminds an athlete of a previous traumatic injury or of a being abused when she performed poorly in the past.

8. Strong Emotions: feeling lonely reminds one of abandonment; feeling happy reminds a woman of a rape that occurred after having dinner with her best friend; anything that makes one anxious, out of control, or generally stressed, such as PMS. Some memories are state-dependent, meaning that the brain activates them only when the emotional state is the same as the original memory. Thus, if one was drunk when raped, she may feel symptoms only when drinking; if raped when sober, then drinking might provide an escape from the symptoms.

9. Thoughts: rejection by a lover leads to the thought “I am worthless,” which triggers the same thoughts that occurred when one was abused as a child.

10. Behaviors: driving reminds a person of a serious accident.

11. Out of the Blue: Sometimes intrusions occur when you are tired, relaxing, or your defenses are down. Often a thought or something you’re not aware of will elicit symptoms; so might the habitual act of dissociating during stressful times.

12. Combinations: often triggers contain several memory aspects at once. For example:

Walking to the parking lot on a dark summer’s night (visual+kinesthetic+seasons) triggers a memory of a violent crime.
Fireworks (sound+flarelike sight) triggers combat memories.
Intercourse (weight+touch+sounds+relaxing+the smell of aftershave+the pressure of a hug or a squeezing sensation or the wrists) trigger memories of rape.

This list is by no means exhaustive but hopefully it will shed some light on the problems some of your students face. There are some implications for our ministries too. If we know a student has been sexually assaulted then we should be cognizant to the fact that some games we play where there is physical contact (human knot) or close proximity to others (passing a Life Saver on a toothpick) may trigger a response to that stimulus. We can simply pull them aside and prep them ahead of time as to what the game will entail and give them an option to participate or not.

Students who suffer from trauma need therapeutic interventions. Often we operate outside of our expertise and we must realize that we are not trained counselor. A referral for the student and their family is often the best thing we can do for them. Be honest with yourself about your limitations and seek outside support if necessary.

September 9, 2010 0

Stigma, Identity, and Risk in LGBT Youth

LGBT youth have the same developmental tasks as their heterosexual peers, but they also face additional challenges in learning to manage a stigmatized identity. This extra burden puts LGBT youth at increased risk for substance abuse and unsafe sexual behaviors and can intensify psychological distress and risk for suicide.

Studies of more recent generations of lesbian and gay youth suggest that the period between becoming aware of same-sex attraction and self-identifying as lesbian or gay is much shorter that in previous generations exposing them to greater potential social stressors at important developmental stages. (see chart below)

Average Age (Years) Event Onset
Behavior/Identity	Earlier Studies*		More Recent Studies**
	Males	Females	Males	Females
First awareness of same-sex attraction	13	14-16	9	10
First same-sex experience	15	20	13-14	14-15
First self-identified as lesbian or gay	19-21	21-23	14-16	15-16

From “A Providers Introduction to Substance Abuse Treatment for LGBT Individuals” www.samhsa.gov

*Studies of adults who remembered their experiences as children and adolescents

** Studies of adolescents who describe their experiences as they were happening or right after they happened

Although people may be more aware that an adolescent may be gay, they are generally no more tolerant and may even be less accepting of homosexuality in adolescents. In fact, violence and harassment against LGBT youth appear to be increasing. For those youth who choose to self-disclose or are found out, coping with this stressful life event is most challenging. Adolescents at this point in their lives have not developed coping strategies and are more likely than adults to respond poorly to these stressors. These youth must adapt to living in a hostile environment and learn how to find safety. Combine this with other intersections such as; race, ethnicity, socio-economic, etc. and you have a kids on the fringe.

So my question is this…

What would an appropriate response from youth ministry look like to the problems LGBT youth face today?

Andrew Marin, founder of the Marin Foundation has been working to build bridges between the LGBT communities and the church. I have the privilege of calling him my friend and support his work around the world. If you’re not familiar with the work the Marin Foundation is doing you can visit their website here.

Andrew wrote a book last year entitled, “Love is an Orientation“. In it he says this,

“We’re not called to posit theories that support our assumptions. We’re not called to speculate about genetics or developmental experiences or spiritual oppression in faceless groups of other people. We’re called to build bridges informed by the Scriptures and empowered by the Spirit. We’re called to let a just God be the judge of his creation. We’re called to let the Holy Spirit whisper truth into each person’s heart. And we’re called to show love unconditionally, tangibly, measurably.”

So how do we move into that? How do we move past our fears and judgements? What will it take?

July 15, 2010 0

The Sun Is Shining

I found this interesting article on the USA Today website and wanted to share it with all of you…

The sun is shining. Flowers are blooming. It’s May, and many of us feel great.

But the thoughts of some vulnerable people grow dark at this seemingly bright time of year. In fact, if there is a season for suicide, springtime is it.

“It’s a new beginning, but some people don’t feel that new beginning,” says Jerry Reed, executive director of the Suicide Prevention Action Network.

Despite popular myths that suicides peak in the winter, particularly around the holidays, close observers have long noticed that suicides actually rise with the return of warmer, longer days, says Richard McCleary, a researcher at the University of California-Irvine.

Aristotle believed suicidal thoughts arose from overheated brains, McCleary says. More modern thinkers offer other biological or social explanations but still see the pattern — at least in some places and among some people.

In one study of 28 countries, McCleary and colleagues found that, overall, suicide deaths were lowest in winter and highest in spring. They reached a peak in May in the Northern Hemisphere.

But the researchers found that the peak existed only in temperate climates — places with distinct seasonal changes in weather. The link was strongest in agricultural societies and weakest in urban areas.

In a separate study of 357,393 suicide deaths in the USA from 1973 to 1985, McCleary found:

•The fewest suicides occurred in December. The most occurred in March, April and May.

•The spring peaks were mostly the results of suicides among males.

•Men older than 80 were at the most pronounced increased springtime risk.

•Boys under 16 showed a reversed pattern: They were most likely to kill themselves in the winter.

McCleary theorizes that vulnerable, isolated people with weak social ties — such as many elderly men — get left out of the spring upswing in social activity. “Maybe you visit your grandparents in winter,” he says. “But you don’t visit them in the spring and summer because you’ve got so many other things to do.”

Psychiatrist Eric Caine of the University of Rochester Medical Center says most people who attempt suicide have long-standing mental health problems that play roles. But springtime changes may be a trigger for some, he says.

For example, he says, “we know there are some people with bipolar disorder who get very energized in the spring.” Some of those still-distressed people may use their renewed vigor to plan and carry out a suicide, he says.

Still, suicide can happen in any month. “We lose 32,000 people a year, and those losses are spread throughout the year,” Reed says.

In fact, in a report in April, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said there was little month-to-month variation in nearly 9,000 suicide deaths reported in 16 (not necessarily representative) states in 2005. The numbers did, however, hint at a drop in winter and a rise in spring.

The bottom line, Reed says, is that some people are at a very low point and need the help of loved ones, friends and professionals right now — no matter what the calendar says or how pleasant the weather seems.

May 22, 2010 0

The State of Male Adolescence Today

Statistics and stories about our homicidal adolescent males are dramatic enough to garner most of the headlines; the fourteen-year old in Mississippi who killed two children and wounded seven; the fourteen- year old in Kentucky who shot three dead; the thirteen-year old in Washington who opened fire in his school and killed three; the eleven and thirteen-year olds who killed five on Jonesboro, Arkansas. But they don’t describe the whole picture. It seems impossible for us to fully comprehend the state of male adolescence in our culture, yet it is essential we do so. There is hardly any social or personal health indicator in which adolescent boys do not show the lion’s share of risk today. The following show just some of the areas of distress experienced by adolescent males as a group. You likely know such boys. Your family life, your business, your neighborhood, your school and your ministries have met them and been affected by them for years.

The Declining Safety of Our Adolescent Boys

Boys are significantly more likely than girls to die before the age of eighteen, not just from violent causes but also from accidental death and disease.
Boys are significantly more likely than girls to die at the hands of their caregivers. Two out of three juveniles killed at the hands of their parents or stepparents are male.
Boys are fifteen times as likely as peer females to be the victims of violent crime.
One-third of male students nationwide carry a gun or other weapon to school.
Gunshot wounds are now the second leading cause of accidental death among ten – fourteen-year old males.

The Mental Health of Adolescent Boys

Boys are four times more likely than girls to be diagnosed as emotionally disturbed.
The majority of juvenile mental patients nationwide are males. Depending on the state, most often between two-thirds and three-fourths of patients at juvenile mental health facilities are male.
Most of the deadliest and longest lasting mental health problems experienced by children are experienced by males. For example, there are six male adolescent schizophrenics for every one female. Adolescent autistics out-number females two to one.
Adolescent males significantly out-number females in diagnoses of conduct disorders, thought disorders, and brain disorders.

Drug, Alcohol, and the Depression Link

Depression in males has often been overlooked because we don’t recognize the male’s way of expressing depression. We measure depression by the female’s model of “overt depression”. She talks about suicide, expresses feelings of worthlessness, shows her fatigue, and is overall more expressive about her emotional state. Unaware of the male’s less expressive, more stoic way of being, we miss the evidence of drug and alcohol abuse, criminal activity, avoidance of intimacy, and isolation from others, especially family.

Suicide

Adolescent males are four times more likely than girls to commit suicide. Suicide success statistics (i.e., death actually occurs) for adolescent males are rising; suicide success statistics for girls are not.

This statistic is one of the most startling to health professionals not just because lives are lost but because it indicates dramatically how much trouble adolescent males are in and the degree to which adolescent male mental illness is increasing.

Body Image

Steroid use among adolescent boys is now on par with their use of crack cocaine. Consequences of steroid use range from increased rage to early death.

Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD)

This brain disorder, like so many others, is almost exclusively a male disorder. Only one out of six adolescents diagnosed with ADHD is female.

ADHD is one of the reasons for the high rate of adolescent male vehicle accidents and fatalities. Adolescents with a history of ADHD (or, in fact, any conduct disorder) are significantly more likely to commit traffic offenses and be in accidents.

Sexual Abuse

One out of five males has been sexually abused by the age of eighteen. Most of our sexual offenders are heterosexual males who have been physically and/or sexually abused as boys themselves. These numbers should frighten us terribly. A sexually abuse adolescent male is more likely than his female counterpart to act out against someone else, generally someone younger and weaker than himself, through rape, physical violence, and sexual molestation.

Questions:

The basic fragility of the male self becomes increasingly clear when we see beyond the terrible and reprehensible acts and the internal histories that led up to them; we begin to understand the process to the product. We are dealing with adolescent males who broke down internally and had no resources to repair the internal damage to their fragile structures.

What are the criteria for masculinity that adolescent boys are expected to meet?
What price do adolescent boys pay for adherence to male gender roles?
Compare the attainment of masculinity for boys with the attainment of femininity for girls. Which has more advantages? More adverse outcomes?
What have we overlooked the drop in worth/value that occurs for boys during adolescence? How do we contribute to their perceived lack of worth/value?
How can, not just our youth ministries, come alongside of our young boys, but how can the entire body embrace our adolescent males better?

References

Pollock, W. (1998). Real Boys. New York: Henry Holt

Thompson, M., & Kindlon, D. (1999) Rasing Cain. New York: Ballantine

April 12, 2010 4

Teen Grief

What is it like for teenagers when someone close to them dies? How do they respond to the death of a parent, a sibling, a relative, a friend?

In our work with teenagers, we’ve learned that teens respond better to adults who choose to be companions on the grief journey rather than direct it. We have also discovered that adult companions need to be aware of their own grief issues and journeys because their experiences and beliefs impact the way they relate to teens.

Here are the six basic principles of teen grief:

1. Grieving is the teen’s natural reaction to a death.

2. Each teen’s grieving experience is unique.

3. There are no “right” and “wrong” ways to grieve.

4. Every death is unique and is experienced differently.

5. The grieving process is influenced by many issues.

6. Grief is ongoing.