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The Paradox of Powerlessness


What are the negative consequences of not accepting personal powerlessness?

If we do not help our youth accept powerlessness over the uncontrollables and unchangeables in their life, then they could:

Begin to frustrate themselves in their attempts to gain control and to fix the non-fixable.

Become extremely rigid and dogmatic in their handling of life’s problems believing that there is “only one way” to do things, the “perfect” way.

Deny the enormity of the things which they do not have power to change and become locked into “fantasy” or “magical” thinking that given enough time, energy and resources they can succeed in changing them.

Become so full of self-pride as to believe that only they can be the “savior” for the ills or problems they are facing.

Become so self-preoccupied that they become incapable of reaching out to ask for others’ help and support in facing these problems which are beyond their power and control.

Lose their faith in the capability of human beings to help out a fellow human who is in need of help and support.

Become so frustrated and depressed in trying to solve the unsolvable problems that they find their temper, anger and rage igniting and flaring up spontaneously, inappropriately and disproportionately.

Feel so defeated by the non-fixable realities of life that they come to believe that God is impotent and inadequate.

Forget that they are a human being and as such open to failures and mistakes and not the “perfect being” who is omnipotent and infallible in all things.

Cling onto the people whom they cannot control or change until they one day walk out on them frustrated by their incessant efforts to change, correct or reform them.

Lose perspective of their own limits and not be self-protective of their energy, resources and spirit in their incessant effort to solve the unsolvable.

Increase in a sense of low self-esteem because they are incapable of making everything right and perfect with all people, places and things in your life.

Deny the existence of and need for the Holy Spirit in their life, upon whom they can call for help and assistance.

The Scriptures remind us that:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NLT)

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Because of the very nature of their developmental stage students are prone to all of the above.  We, as caregivers, must help them understand that weakness and brokenness is a pre-requisite to entering the upside-down Kingdom.

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Well, well, well…


Wellness is the new buzzword right now and we should consider the implications it may have on youth ministry. Wellness implies a holistic approach to each unique individual. We will attempt to define wellness and flesh out the six areas of focus as well as how it impacts parenting and ministry to developing adolescents.

Wellness is a framework that can be used in many ways to help us organize, understand, and balance our own human growth and development. Everything we do, every decision we make, every thought we think, and every attitude and belief we hold fits into this framework made up of six basic concepts.

Social Wellness involves developing friendships, healthy sexual behaviors, the ability to interact comfortably with others and generally works for harmony in personal and community environments.

Romans 12:18 – “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Intellectual Wellness is the strong desire to learn from challenges and experiences. It encourages ongoing intellectual growth, and creative yet stimulating mental activities which provide the foundation to discover, process, and evaluate information.

Romans 12:2 – “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Spiritual Wellness is the willingness to seek meaning and purpose in human existence; being sensitive to diverse multi-cultural beliefs and backgrounds that may conflict with ours. Being spiritually sound enables one to seek out the perfect harmony between that, which lies within one’s own spirit and our own behaviors.

James 1:23-25 – “Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.”

Emotional Wellness is having the ability to acknowledge and accept a wide range of feelings in oneself as well as in others. It is being able to freely express and manage one’s own feelings to develop positive self-esteem in order to arrive at personal decisions based upon the integration of one’s beliefs and behaviors.

Luke 6:45 – “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.”

Physical Wellness encourages regular physical activities, proper nutrition and health care, such as exercise or sports, and personal hygiene. This type of physical activity discourages dependence on tobacco, alcohol and other drugs (prescription or street).

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 – “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

Vocational Wellness focuses on the integration of various components of the wellness framework into planning for a healthy future, such as career, family and future wellness. It develops the understanding that decisions and values may change as new information and experiences are attained.

 Psalm 34:7 – “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

Wellness is…

  • a direction in which by its nature, moves our youth toward a more proactive, responsible and healthier existence.
  • the integration of the body, mind, and spirit.
  • the loving acceptance of the Father today and the exciting free search for who is He molding our students/children to become tomorrow.
  • choice living; a compilation of the daily decisions that adolescents make that lead them to the person God desires them to become.

We (adults) have a vital role to play in the wellness of our children/students.  We are to walk with them, in community, as fellow sojourners. Wellness will not just happen on its own.  It, by our very nature, requires others to show us the way.  To share their experience, strength, and hope that they too are caught up in the miraculous stream of the Holy Spirit that is leading them and guiding them on their journey toward reconciliation with the Father.  And we a called to be a part of that. In the words of Mike Yaconelli, “What a ride!”

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Rules People Live By…


For many teens it’s the emotions that drive their behaviors.  If they have developed unhealthy, irrational beliefs about themselves and the world they live in, their behaviors will be maladaptive at best, sinful at worst.

Underlying what we think in specific situations are what is known as ‘core beliefs’, which are underlying rules that guide how people react to the events and circumstances in their lives in general. Robert Ellis, father 0f Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, proposes that a small number of core beliefs underlie most unhelpful emotions and behaviours. Here is a sample list of such ‘rules for living’:

1. I need love and approval from those significant to me – and I must avoid disapproval from any source.

2. To be worthwhile as a person I must achieve, succeed at whatever I do, and make no mistakes.

3. People should always do the right thing. When they behave obnoxiously, unfairly or selfishly, they must be blamed and punished.

4. Things must be the way I want them to be, otherwise life will be intolerable.

5. My unhappiness is caused by things that are outside my control – so there is little I can do to feel any better.

6. I must worry about things that could be dangerous, unpleasant or frightening – otherwise they might happen.

7. Because they are too much to bear, I must avoid life’s difficulties, unpleasantness, and responsibilities.

8. Everyone needs to depend on someone stronger than themselves.

9. Events in my past are the cause of my problems – and they continue to influence my feelings and behaviours now.

10. I should become upset when other people have problems, and feel unhappy when they’re sad.

11. I shouldn’t have to feel discomfort and pain – I can’t stand them and must avoid them at all costs.

12. Every problem should have an ideal solution – and it’s intolerable when one can’t be found.

  • Do you see these in your kids or students? 
  • How are their behaviors affected by these beliefs? 
  • What are the implication for how we parent or lead our youth minsitries in light of this awareness?
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Cognitive Distortions


What’s a cognitive distortion and why do so many young people have them? Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves.

For instance, a young person might tell themselves, “I always fail when I try to do something new; I therefore fail at everything I try.” This is an example of “black or white” (or polarized) thinking. The young person is only seeing things in absolutes — that if they fail at one thing, they must fail at all things. If they added, “I must be a complete loser and failure” to their thinking, that would also be an example of overgeneralization — taking a failure at one specific task and generalizing it their very self and identity.

Cognitive distortions are at the core of what many cognitive-behavioral and other kinds of therapists try and help a young person learn to change in psychotherapy. By learning to correctly identify this kind of “stinkin’ thinkin’,” a teen can then answer the negative thinking back, and refute it. By refuting the negative thinking over and over again, it will slowly diminish overtime and be automatically replaced by more rational, balanced thinking.

The Scriptures say in Romans 12:2 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

In order to teach students to think critically we must first help them identify any faulty thinking they may have developed over the course of their lives and hold those faulty thoughts up against the light of Scripture.

Below is a list of common distortions…

Cognitive Distortions

Aaron Beck first proposed the theory behind cognitive distortions and David Burns was responsible for popularizing it with common names and examples for the distortions.

1. Filtering.

We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).

In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. Overgeneralization.

In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions.

Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.

For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them but doesn’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.

5. Catastrophizing.

We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).

For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).

With practice, you can learn to answer each of these cognitive distortions.

6. Personalization.

Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.

A person engaging in personalization may also see themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that they were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

7. Control Fallacies.

If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. Fallacy of Fairness.

We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should.

9. Blaming.

We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. Shoulds.

We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.

For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.

11. Emotional Reasoning.

We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

12. Fallacy of Change.

We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling.

We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.

For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”

14. Always Being Right.

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

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Brokenness


Is it possible that one could derive worth/value for being the worst of the worst? Does being worse than anyone else set me apart as special in my mind? Does that make me and my situation unique? If I am the exception to every rule then does that make me exceptional?

There are many things I would like to say about our brokenness. But where to begin?

Perhaps the simplest beginning would be to say that our brokenness reveals something about who we are. Our sufferings and pains are not simply bothersome interruptions of our lives; rather, they touch us in our uniqueness and our most intimate individuality. The way I am broken tells you something unique about me if you pay attention. The way you are broken tells me something unique about you if I pay attention. This is precisely why we should feel very privileged when we share freely some of our deep pain with each other, and that is why it is an expression of my trust in you when I disclose to you something of my vulnerable side. Our brokenness is always lived and experienced as highly personal, intimate and unique.

*I am deeply convinced that each human being suffers in a way no other human being suffers. No doubt, we can make comparisons; we can talk about more or less suffering, but, in the final analysis, your pain and my pain are so deeply personal that comparing them can bring scarcely any consolation or comfort. In fact, I am more grateful for a person who can acknowledge that I am very alone in my pain than for someone who tries to tell me that there are many others who have a similar or worse pain.

Our brokenness is truly ours, nobody else’s. Our brokenness is as unique as our fingerprint or heartbeat.

So many suffer from physical or mental disabilities, and there are great amounts of economic poverty, homelessness, and a lack of basic needs, the suffering I am most accustomed to and most aware of is the suffering of the broken heart.

*On a daily basis I am reminded of the great hurt and suffering cause by broken relationships. I see the immense pain of severed relationships between lovers, friends, colleagues, father and son, mother and daughter, and yes, even God. The feelings that are so prevalent are feelings of rejection, of being ignored, of not belonging, and of being left alone to fend for one’s self.

In my own tribe, with many in the grips of addiction, the greatest source of suffering is not the addiction itself, but the accompanying feelings of being useless, worthless, unappreciated, and unloved. We humans can endure great deprivations with tremendous steadfastness, but when we sense we no longer have anything to contribute; we quickly lose our grip on life.

*All that our society has to say suggests that death is the great enemy who will finally get the better of us against our will and desire. But thus perceived, life is little more than a losing battle, a hopeless struggle, a journey of despair. My own vision and yours too, I hope, is radically different…

…so, if you are interested in starting on the journey of life, we have much to learn from each other, we have much more to say to each other, because the journey of life calls not only for determination and perseverance, but also for a certain knowledge of the terrain to be crossed. I don’t want us to wander in the desert as many before us have. I don’t want you to dwell there for even as long as I have. Although it remains true that everyone has to learn for him or herself, I still believe that we can prevent those we love from making the same mistakes we did. In the terrain of life, we need guides. I would like to be that for you. I would like you to be that for me. If we listen to each others brokenness we can learn from each other and lead each other into our preferred future and maybe, just maybe, we can find beauty in our brokenness.

* excerpts taken from “Life of the Beloved” – Henri Nouwen

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UYWI Reload 2010 – Chicago


Reload Chicago is an exciting learning opportunity for urban youth workers.  This is an affordable, one day training event.  Reload will be hosted on the beautiful campus of North Park University.  We’ll be leading a workshop on how to minister to youth who have experienced abuse.  We’re hoping to see you there…

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What’s Wrong With Young People Today?


Lots, actually. The most current research paints a picture of the risks that teenagers deal with, including family issues, physical and mental health concerns, and developmental factors that underscore how important mature, steady adults like youth workers are to help provide direction, encouragement and stability in their lives. Here are some of the issues:

Young people are experiencing family breakdown. According to contemporary statistics, 51% of first marriages in 2006 ended in divorce, and 50% of all divorces involve children under 18. In 2007, 22% of all families with children under 15 years old were one-parent families. This has increased substantially over the last two decades. One in five children less than 15 years old live in one-parent families, the vast majority of which are headed by mothers. What all this means is that huge numbers of young people are coping with switching locations, switching from one parental world view to another, managing conflicting values and divided loyalties.

Young people’s physical health is deteriorating. The American Pediatric Association reports that around one in four 15-19 year olds are either overweight or obese, and notes a significant increase in these rates since 1995. America is among the top countries with the highest rates of type 1 diabetes among children. According to the 2004-2005 national health survey, over 60% of 15-18 year olds did not meet daily fruit consumption guidelines, and only 16% ate enough vegetables! Only half the 15-24 year olds surveyed participated in levels of physical activity recommended in national guidelines to provide a health benefit.

Young people are engaging in risky behavior. The 2007 SAMHSA survey reported that one in five males aged 15-24 engaged in binge drinking at least once a week – double the rates for those older than 25. The rate for females was lower, but was three times the rate for females over 25. Just fewer than one in five 15-24 year olds have used marijuana, one in ten have used ecstasy, and 1 in 20 have used heroin.

Young people have mental health problems. The 2004 APA found that 20% of young women and 12% of young men reported high to very high levels of psychological distress. The same survey revealed that mental and behavioral problems were reported by one in five Americans aged 15-19 in 2004-2005. Suicide is a leading cause of death among young people, second only to fatalities from motor vehicle accidents. Rates among 15-24 year old males have tripled between 1960 and 1990. Young males in remote and rural America are twice as likely to take their own lives as compared with males living in urban settings. Studies have found that between 22.5% and 49% of teenagers have thoughts of suicide at some time. Hospitalization rates for self-harm have increased by a third for females aged 13-19.

Young people have poor self-image. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) reported that body image is the number one issue of concern for 11-24 year olds. Family conflict was the next top concern, and coping with stress came third. National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) report that 1 in 100 adolescent girls will develop anorexia and, though official rates of bulimia across the population are around 5%, the true incidence among students is thought to be as high as one in five. The organization reports eating disorders among boys are also on the rise.

All of these difficulties are perhaps not surprising, given what we’re discovering about adolescent brain development. The sort of physical changes that occur in the brain during adolescence rivals the magnitude of change that occurs in the first two years of life! During adolescence, the extensions of neurons in the frontal cortex of the brain continue to be coated with a fatty substance that speeds electrical brain signals, continuing their increased capacity for processing information and making decisions. There’s an increase in what’s called “synaptic density” in early adolescence, followed by “synaptic pruning” after puberty, all of which are meant to improve organization of thoughts, language mastery, abstract thought and hypothetical if-then thinking.

All this sounds good. On the other hand, researchers have noted an increase in grey matter in the frontal lobe during pre-adolescence, peaking around the onset of puberty, which then declines in post-adolescence. This correlates with difficulties with self-control, emotional regulation and executive functioning (controlling and coordinating thoughts and behavior). Adolescents display higher activity than adults in the central part of the brain that’s responsible for “gut reactions” (the limbic region) which results in emotional and behavioral responses being essentially unmediated by judgment and reasoning (Kelly Schwartz (2008), ‘Adolescent Brain Development: An oxymoron no longer (Spring), p.85-93).

Add all this to the usual issues of puberty, peer pressure, homework, parental pressures, self-imposed pressures and cleaning up your room … it’s a miracle that teenagers make it through the day! In fact, many of them wouldn’t without your presence.

The work we do is of the utmost importance to our kids, their parents, and ultimately, to our God. It’s a transcendent work. It’s kingdom work and I wouldn’t trade it for all the gold on the earth.

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