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Suicide Grief: Living in the Aftermath of a Suicide


A student’s suicide can be emotionally devastating. Using and modeling healthy coping strategies — such as seeking support — will help you and others on the journey to healing and acceptance.

When a student dies, your grief may be heart-wrenching. When a student commits suicide, your reaction may be more complicated. Overwhelming emotions may leave you reeling — and you may be consumed by guilt, wondering if you could have done something to prevent this young person’s death. As you face life after a student’s suicide, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone.

Brace for powerful emotions

Suicide can trigger intense emotions. For example:

  • Shock. Disbelief and emotional numbness may set in. You may think that student’s suicide couldn’t possibly be real.
  • Anger. You may be angry with your student for abandoning their family, ministry, and friends or for leaving a legacy of grief — or angry with yourself or others for missing clues about suicidal intentions.
  • Guilt. You may replay “what if” and “if only” scenarios in your mind, blaming yourself for your student’s death.
  • Despair. You may be gripped by sadness, depression and a sense of defeat or hopelessness. You may have a physical collapse or even consider suicide yourself.

You may continue to experience intense reactions during the weeks and months after a student’s suicide — including nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, social withdrawal and loss of interest in usual activities — especially if you were the last person they called or you witnessed or discovered the suicide.

Adopt healthy coping strategies

The aftermath of a student’s suicide can be physically and emotionally exhausting. As you work through your grief and help others with theirs, be careful to protect your own well-being.

  • Keep in touch. Reach out to family, friends and spiritual leaders for comfort, understanding and healing. Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen when you need to talk, as well as those who will simply offer a shoulder to lean on when you’d rather be silent.
  • Grieve in your own way. Do what’s right for you, not necessarily someone else. If you find it too painful to visit your student’s gravesite or share the details of their death, wait until you’re ready.  It is not healthy to be “Superman” or “Superwoman”.
  • Be prepared for painful reminders. Anniversaries, holidays and other special occasions can be painful reminders of a student’s suicide. Don’t chide yourself for being sad or mournful. Instead, consider changing or suspending ministry meetings that are too painful to continue.
  • Don’t rush yourself. Losing someone to suicide is a tremendous blow, and healing must occur at its own pace. Don’t be hurried by anyone else’s expectations that it’s been “long enough.”
  • Expect setbacks. Some days will be better than others, even years after the suicide — and that’s OK. Healing doesn’t often happen in a straight line.
  • Consider a support group for families/friends affected by suicide. Sharing your story with others who are experiencing the same type of grief may help you find a sense of purpose or strength.

Suicide grief: Healing after a student’s suicide

Know when to seek professional help

If you experience intense or unrelenting anguish or physical problems, consider asking your doctor or mental health provider for help. Seeking professional help is especially important if you think you might be depressed or you have recurring thoughts of suicide. Keep in mind that unresolved grief can turn into complicated grief, where painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble resuming your own life.

Depending on the circumstances, you might benefit from individual or family therapy — either to get you through the worst of the crisis or to help you adjust to life after the suicide. Medication can be helpful in some cases, too.

Face the future with a sense of peace

In the aftermath of a student’s suicide, you may feel like you can’t continue in ministry or that you’ll never enjoy life again. In truth, you may always wonder why it happened — and reminders may trigger painful feelings even years later. Eventually, however, the raw intensity of your grief will fade. The tragedy of the suicide won’t dominate your days and nights. Understanding the complicated legacy of suicide and God, through the Holy Spirit, will guide us through the palpable grief will help you find peace and healing, without forgetting you’re your student.

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PTSD and the Youth Worker


Suicide, sexual abuse, drive by shootings, car accidents, date rape.  These events and many other traumatic events occur on a seemingly regular basis and can impact the surviving student(s), families, or youth workers more deeply than imagined.  If you work with kids long enough then you will experience a traumatic event and it will serve you well to understand the phenomenon of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that is often left in the wake of a horrible event. 

The following is an overview of what PTSD might look like in your youth, their families, and those that serve them. 

Many triggers in the present environment can activate traumatic memory material and stimulate intrusions.  Triggers are cues – often harmless – that have become associated with the original trauma.  In some way, they remind us of the trauma or recall traumatic memories.  The association may be obvious or subtle.  They may trigger most of the memory or just certain fragments of it.  Often, they trigger intrusions against our will.  Recognizing triggers, and realizing that their power to elicit intrusions is understandable, are steps towards controlling its effects on our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Some people find it helpful to understand triggers by their twelve categories:

  1. Visual: seeing blood or road kill reminds one of wounded bodies; black garbage bags can remind us of body bags; a secretary sees her boss standing over her and is reminded of her abusive father.
  2. Sound (auditory): a backfiring car sounds like gunshot to a veteran or inner city youth exposed to street violence; sounds during lovemaking remind one of sexual abuse.
  3. Smell (olfactory): the smell of semen or another’s body during intercourse, or the smell of cologne or aftershave reminds one of sexual assault.
  4. Taste (gustatory): eating a hamburger reminds one of an automobile accident that occurred as one drove away from a fast food restaurant.
  5. Physical or Body
  • Kinesthetic means the sensation of movement, tension, or body position.  Thus, running when tense might be reminiscent of trying to flee a beating; trying to do progressive muscle relaxation (tensing muscles, lying on one’s back with eyes closed) might trigger memories of sexual abuse.
  • Tactile or touch: pressure around wrists or waist, being gripped, held, or otherwise restrained (perhaps even a hug) reminds one of torture or rape; feeling someone on top of you; a man accidentally kicked in bed by his wife while sleeping recalls a midnight attack while in prison; being touch during sexual relations with a loved one in the same place or in the same way as occurred during abuse will likely trigger traumatic memories.
  • Pain or other internal sensations; surgical pain, nausea, headaches, or back pain might trigger memories of torture or rape.  Elevated heart rate from exercising at night might remind one of a similar sensation during a high stress encounter such as a drive by shooting.

      6.  Significant Dates or Seasons

  • Anniversary dates of the trauma
  • Seasons of the year with their accompanying stimuli (temperature, lighting, colors, sounds)
  • Other dates (e.g., a mother becomes distressed on the date of her murdered son would have graduated)

      7.  Stressful Events/Arousal: Sometimes changes in the brain due to the trauma cause it to interpret any stress signals as a recurrence of the original trauma.  At other times, seemingly unrelated events are actually triggers.  Examples include:

  • A woman visits her spouse in the hospital which triggers a flashback of grief and loss.  As a young woman she has a late term miscarriage in the same hospital.
  • An argument with a significant other triggers memories of parents arguing violently.
  • Criticism from a teacher reminds a person of being abused by his father.
  • A frightening dream with no apparent related theme activates the fear of a traumatic memory.  (Of course, a nightmare of the trauma would understandably elicit strong feelings of distress.)
  • Athletic competition reminds an athlete of a previous traumatic injury or of a being abused when she performed poorly in the past.

      8.  Strong Emotions: feeling lonely reminds one of abandonment; feeling happy reminds a woman of a rape that occurred after having dinner with her best friend; anything that makes one anxious, out of control, or generally stressed, such as PMS.  Some memories are state-dependent, meaning that the brain activates them only when the emotional state is the same as the original memory.  Thus, if one was drunk when raped, she may feel symptoms only when drinking; if raped when sober, then drinking might provide an escape from the symptoms.

      9.  Thoughts: rejection by a lover leads to the thought “I am worthless,” which triggers the same thoughts that occurred when one was abused as a child.

    10.  Behaviors: driving reminds a person of a serious accident.

     11.  Out of the Blue: Sometimes intrusions occur when you are tired, relaxing, or your defenses are down.  Often a thought or something you’re not aware of will elicit symptoms; so might the habitual act of dissociating during stressful times.

     12.  Combinations: often triggers contain several memory aspects at once.  For example:

  • Walking to the parking lot on a dark summer’s night (visual+kinesthetic+seasons) triggers a memory of a violent crime.
  • Fireworks (sound+flarelike sight) triggers combat memories.
  • Intercourse (weight+touch+sounds+relaxing+the smell of aftershave+the pressure of a hug or a squeezing sensation or the wrists) trigger memories of rape.

 

This list is by no means exhaustive but hopefully it will shed some light on the problems some of your students face.  There are some implications for our ministries too.  If we know a student has been sexually assaulted then we should be cognizant to the fact that some games we play where there is physical contact (human knot) or close proximity to others (passing a Life Saver on a toothpick) may trigger a response to that stimulus.  We can simply pull them aside and prep them ahead of time as to what the game will entail and give them an option to participate or not. 

Students who suffer from trauma need therapeutic interventions.  Often we operate outside of our expertise and we must realize that we are not trained counselor.  A referral for the student and their family is often the best thing we can do for them.  Be honest with yourself about your limitations and seek outside support if necessary.

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Stress Management (youth pastor life skills series pt. 2)


What Happens To Our Bodies Under Stress?

You are driving down the interstate highway on a rainy evening.  Visibility is very poor and you are being more cautions than usual.  You are a few minutes late for youth group and are a bit preoccupied with getting there on time.  Suddenly the car in front of you skids out of control!  It smashes into the guard-rail and flips over into your lane.  You slam on your brakes and jerk the steering wheel to the left to avoid a crash.  The front of your car catches the rear bumper of the disabled vehicle and you feel yourself thrown violently toward your windshield.  Your seatbelt and shoulder strap pull forcefully on your body, and then your car comes to a jolting halt.  You and the other driver bolt from your automobiles and run to the shoulder of the road to avoid oncoming traffic.  Then you breathe a sigh of relief and you feel legs trembling.  You have survived!

This is a clear-cut stressor.  It has a definite beginning and ending, and the body’s reaction to it is very predictable.  To handle a crisis like the one above, our bodies are programmed to do several things which give us adder strength and alertness.  Some of these bodily reactions are:

  • Increased heart rate
  • Increased blood pressure
  • Increased blood sugar levels
  • Increased muscle tension
  • Increased brain activity
  • Digestion slows or stops
  • Peripheral blood vessels constrict

Healthy Stress Response

The idea here is that the body is now ready for an emergency.  There is more blood available to the brain and muscles, and unimportant functions like digestion are slowed or stopped.  The last reaction on the list, constriction of peripheral blood vessels, allows more blood to go to the muscles and brain and reduces the risk of severe blood loss should the person be cut during the emergency.

Under normal circumstances the body will return to its baseline state after the event is over.  This is what happens when we are able to keep the stressors clear in our own minds.  When stressors are too vague, and when our bodily mechanisms have gotten out of control, then something else happens.

Unhealthy Stress Response

When our bodies get use to high levels of stress, when our lifestyle has taught us that the only way to survive is to stay mobilized or stay vigilant, we get escalating stress.  The stress accumulates like an unhealthy negative bank balance until we can no longer maintain the physical roller-coaster that we are on.  At this point, some sort of physical or emotional collapse likely occurs.

Hypertension, tension headaches, colds and flu, migraine headaches, ulcers, colitis, depression, anxiety, loss of interest in sex, heart disease, irritability, fatigue, substance abuse, apathy, lack of interest in people, isolation, family conflicts, and spiritual bankruptcy.  There are others, but the picture should be clear.  One of the most insidious things about stress and burnout is that by the time we develop some of the more serious effects on the list, we have become so out of touch with our Creator and ourselves we haven’t the foggiest idea how we got there. 

Example of Stressors

This is a list of typical stressors.  You may find that you have some or all of these:

Career

  • Conflict with superiors, subordinates or co-workers (these may be philosophical, methodological, theological, ecclesiological, missiological, etc.)
  • Inefficient use of time
  • Problems delegating
  • Too heavy a workload
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Lack of training
  • Having too few challenges; being bored

 

Partner

  • Not enough time together
  • Too much time together
  • Power struggles
  • Differences in values or expectations
  • Sexual concerns

 

Kids (if you have them)

  • Discipline problems
  • Finding enough time to do things with them
  • Sibling rivalry
  • Interference from relatives
  • Attaching our value to their behavior/accomplishments

 

Friends

  • Not enough
  • Too many acquaintances, not enough close friends
  • Demanding too much of my time
  • Take but don’t give
  • Competitive or critical

 

Spiritual

  • Undisciplined devotional life
  • Too rigid devotional life
  • Too inward focused
  • Too outward focused
  • Not enough solitude
  • No meaningful prayer time
  • Spending time in the Word for teaching purposes only and not for communion with God

 

Other

  • Too many outside activities (spread too thin)
  • All work and no play
  • All play and no work
  • Trying to be “successful” and not faithful

In looking at stressors in your life, remember that this is subjective.  What may be negative stressors to you may be energizing, positive stressors for others.  God has wired you a very specific way for a very specific reason.  Spend some time this fall contemplating that and allow God to “trim away the fat” that may be causing you to be over-stressed.

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Basic Brain Function and Emotional Hijacking


Understanding a few basics of what is happening in the brain of an adolescent prior to an impulsive and destructive behavior (i.e., self-injury, fighting, etc.) will help you walk through the lies, negative thoughts, and emotions that often drive these behaviors.

The goal is to teach them when they are being hooked by lies from the enemy, self-doubt, and old negative patterns of behaviors and thought so they can step back, get centered, and make life-giving choices instead of life-stealing choices.  Choices that honor God and support their value as created beings.

The brain is divided into three major areas:

  1. The Cerebral Cortex
  2. The Limbic System, and
  3. The Brainstem
  • The Cerebral Cortex is out thinking brain.  It is the part of the brain that surrounds the Limbic System and fills the upper part of the skull.  The Cerebral Cortex helps us to reason, reflect on our experiences and consider various options for responding.  This part of the brain enables us to put words to our feelings, to settle ourselves when we are upset, and to make intentional choices.
  • The Limbic System is our feeling brain.  It surrounds the brain stem, and is the primary center for storage and processing of emotional memory.  It is the key player in the triggering of the brain’s alarm system (fight or flight) when we perceive threat or danger.  It is a place of no words, no thoughts.
  • The Brainstem is the automatic brain.  It surrounds the top of the spinal cord and is responsible for regulating basic life functions such as breathing and heartbeat.  It regulates functions you don’t have to think about to make happen.  It does it automatically.
  • The Alarm Mechanism of the Limbic System is said to be sloppy.  What this means is that when we are in a situation that we think is dangerous or threatening, we respond emotionally first, before we are aware of what we are responding to.
  • An Emotional Hijacking occurs when the Limbic System’s quick alarm system short-circuits the Cerebral Cortex’s ability to more thoroughly process the situation.

This emotional hijacking can sometime be adaptive or helpful.  For example, imagine that you are walking down a deserted street at night, and a large dog jumps out from between two buildings, starts to snarl and bark, and begins to run toward you.  If you were to pause, think about the situation, and consider alternatives, you might get eaten.  Instead, this event sets off a full-body hormonal response that bypasses the thinking part of the brain and is experienced physically as overwhelming and possibly uncontrollable fear.  Before we are aware of it, our Limbic System signals our brainstem to increase breathing and heart rate, and we are primed to fight or flight.

Emotional hijacking can be destructive; however, when the Limbic System’s short-circuiting of the thinking brain occurs in situations in which it is not helpful or adaptive for the Cerebral Cortex to shut down.  For example, imagine that your student is with a group of friends, and somebody says something to him/her that is hurtful or mean.  This experience brings on an immediate and painful escalation of negative emotions – shame, fear, embarrassment and anger.  They are not able to pause, think things through, and act or speak in a positive manner.  They literally can’t think straight.  Instead, he/she either lashes out in anger (fight), which results in greater escalation, or they shut down (flight), and tell themselves that they are “no good,” “a loser,” or that “nothing ever works out” for them.  In either case, your student may feel hooked, or taken over by the negative thoughts and emotions, and later, in an attempt to make those feelings go away; engage in a negative and destructive behavior.  This process often happens so quickly that when it does happen it seems like they are on autopilot.  When internal reactions result in repeating old unhealthy and ineffective patterns of speech and behavior, this is known as emotional hijacking.

Fortunately their brains have a tremendous capacity to change, to reorganize and restructure neural connections over the entire lifespan.  In order to restructure negative neural connections, they need to learn how to step back (Galatians. 5:23) and settle themselves a bit before acting or speaking (Psalm 34:13, 1 Peter 3:10) when they become overwhelmed with painful emotions and the quick alarm mechanism of the Limbic System.

In terms of brain operation, this literally gives the thinking brain a chance to catch up with the alarm signals of the feeling brain, to make a more thorough analysis of the present situation and avoid an emotional hijacking that results in repeating old habitual behaviors.

The practices of prayer and meditation enables young people to break their old emotional habits and replaces them with more thoughtful and effective ways of thinking (Romans 12:2).  These practices allow the old brain circuits conditioned by fear to die out as we help replace them with new neural circuits created by God’s word and the Spirit’s activity in their lives.

How does this help us better understand adolescent behavior?

What implications do this have on how we practice youth ministry?

Are there times when we are inadvertantly reinforcing our students negative emotions, behaviors, and stories?

3

Examining False Core Beliefs


Research has found that a number of core beliefs identified by the psychologist Albert Ellis are consistently linked to self-dislike and depression.  I see these in many young  people today and they go largely unchallenged by adults because many of the adults in their lives are handicapped by the same irrational beliefs.  Below is a list of commonly held false core beliefs.  As an exercise, print this list and have your students circle those that they hold.  You might further discuss scriptural responses that challenge these false beliefs.

 

 

  1. I must be loved or approved of by everyone I consider significant.
  2. I must be thoroughly competent and adequate in everything I do.  I should not be satisfied with myself unless I’m the best or excelling.
  3. If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome I must be terribly concerned about it or keep on guard in case it happens.
  4. It is easier to avoid than face life’s difficulties and responsibilities.
  5. It’s bad to think well of oneself.
  6. I can’t be happy unless a certain condition – like success, money, love, approval, or perfect achievement – is met.
  7. I can’t feel worthwhile unless a certain condition if met.
  8. I’m entitled to happiness (or success, health, self-respect, pleasure, love) without having to work for it.
  9. One day when I make it, I’ll have friends and be able to enjoy myself.
  10. Work should be hard and in some way unpleasant.
  11. Joy is only gained through hard work.
  12. I am inadequate.
  13. Worrying insures that I’ll be prepared to face and solve problems.  So the more I worry the better.  (Constant worrying helps prevent future mistakes and problems and gives me extra control.)
  14. Life should be easy.  I can’t enjoy it if there are problems.
  15. The past makes me unhappy.  There’s no way around it.
  16. There’s a perfect solution, and I must find it.
  17. If people disapprove of (reject, criticize, mistreat) me, it means I’m inferior, wrong, or no good.
  18. I’m only as good as the work I do.  If I’m not productive, I’m no good.
  19. If I try hard enough, all people will like me.
  20. If I try hard enough, my future will be happy and trouble free.
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How Thin Is Thin Enough?


Our friends over at Fuller Youth Institute published a great post today about the messages we are sending our young girls.

They referred to an article in the Huffington Post about photos of models that have been touched up to make the model look thinner.

As a father of three young girls I’m concerned that when they see the touched up photos they compare and contrast themselves to a fictional image.  We have got to continue to pull back the curtain on these tricks of the trade or our girls will kill themselves striving for something that is impossible.

Now I know this may sound fanatical but we work first hand with young girls who suffer from image distortions and eating disorders.  It’s no wonder they struggle so much when confronted with images such as this.

Here’s a great song by Jonny Diaz called “More Beautiful You” that speaks to this same issue:

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Compassion Fatigue in Youth Ministry


Compassion Fatigue affects a broad range of health care professionals as well as others who provide a myriad of listening and support services.  This condition occurs when professionals, family, friends, or caregivers are continually exposed to extreme emotional circumstances wither directly or indirectly, in an attempt to treat or support those they serve.

Because the effects of compassion fatigue are cumulative, caregivers may be unaware of this syndrome’s ability to rob them of their energy, vitality, and resiliency.  The pervasiveness of this phenomenon places those in the helping/serving professions at high-risk of sacrificing their own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being on the altars of compassion.

The term Compassion Fatigue differs from the term Burnout in that it concentrates on the transfer of emotions from the primary source to a secondary one.   Whereas burnout that physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion is caused by a depletion of the ability to cope with one’s environment.

Examples of Compassion Fatigue Burnout Symptoms

Cognitive

Lowered concentration, decreased self-esteem, apathy, rigidity, disorientation, perfectionism, minimization, preoccupation with trauma, thoughts of self-harm or harm to others

Emotional

Powerlessness, anxiety, guilt, anger/rage, survivor guilt, shutdown, numbness, fear, helplessness, sadness, depression, emotional rollercoaster, depleted, overly sensitive

Behavioral

Impatient, irritable, withdrawn, moody, regression, sleep disturbance, nightmares, appetite changes, hypervigilance, elevated startle response, accident proneness, losing things

Spiritual

Questioning the meaning of life, loss of purpose, lack of peace, pervasive hopelessness, anger at God, questioning long held convictions/beliefs, loss of faith, increasing skepticism about religion

Personal Relations

Withdrawal, decreased interest in intimacy or sex, mistrust, isolation from others, over-protection as a parent, projection of anger or blame, intolerance, loneliness, increased interpersonal conflicts

Somatic

Shock, sweating, rapid heartbeat, breathing difficulties, aches and pains, dizziness, increased number and intensity of medical problems, other somatic complaints, impaired immune system

Work Performance

Low morale, low motivation, avoiding tasks, obsession about details, apathy, negativity, lack of appreciation, detachment, poor work commitments, staff conflicts, absenteeism, exhaustion, irritability, withdrawal from colleagues

Any of these symptoms could be signaling the onset or presence of compassion Fatigue.  If you think you may suffer from Compassion Fatigue you can take and online Compassion Fatigue Test that will help you determine if you need help.

3

Common Conflict Resolution Mistakes


Conventional wisdom (and research) says that good communication can improve relationships, increasing intimacy, trust and support. The converse is also true: poor communication can weaken bonds, creating mistrust and even contempt! The Scriptures also tell us that it is wise to be slow to speak and quick to listen.  Here are some examples of negative and even destructive attitudes and communication patterns that can exacerbate conflict in a relationship. How many of these sounds like something you’d do?

1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether:

Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just don’t say anything to their partner until they’re ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. This seems to be the less stressful route—avoiding an argument altogether—but usually causes more stress to both parties, as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results. It’s much healthier to address and resolve conflict.

2. Being Defensive:

Rather than addressing a partner’s complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand the other person’s point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term problems when partners don’t feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow.

3. Overgeneralizing:

When something happens that they don’t like, some blow it out of proportion by making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, “You always…” and “You never…” as in, “You always come home late!” or “You never do what I want to do!” Stop and think about whether or not this is really true. Also, don’t bring up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic and stir up more negativity. This stands in the way of true conflict resolution, and increases the level of conflict.

4. Being Right:

It’s damaging to decide that there’s a ‘right’ way to look at things and a ‘wrong’ way to look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don’t demand that your partner see things the same way, and don’t take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there’s not always a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’, and that two points of view can both be valid.

5. “Psychoanalyzing” / Mind-Reading:

Instead of asking about their partner’s thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they ‘know’ what their partners are thinking and feeling based only on faulty interpretations of their actions—and always assume it’s negative! (For example, deciding a late mate doesn’t care enough to be on time, or that a tired partner is denying sex out of passive-aggressiveness.) This creates hostility and misunderstandings.

 6. Forgetting to Listen:

Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they’re going to say next instead of truly listening and attempting to understand their partner. This keeps you from seeing their point of view, and keeps your partner from wanting to see yours! Don’t underestimate the importance of really listening and empathizing with the other person!

7. Playing the Blame Game:

Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other person for the situation. They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being ‘at fault’. Instead, try to view conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties and come up with a solution that helps you both.

8. Trying to ‘Win’ the Argument:

I love it when Dr. Phil says that if people are focused on ‘winning’ the argument, “the relationship loses”! The point of a relationship discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that respects everyone’s needs. If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, you’re focused in the wrong direction!

9. Making Character Attacks:

Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. (For example, if a husband leaves his socks lying around, looking it as a character flaw and label him ‘inconsiderate and lazy’, or, if a woman wants to discuss a problem with the relationship, labeling her ‘needy’, ‘controlling’ or ‘too demanding’.) This creates negative perceptions on both sides. Remember to respect the person, even if you don’t like the behavior.

10. Stonewalling:

When one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship, sometimes people defensively stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to their partner. These shows disrespect and, in certain situations, even contempt, while at the same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard feelings and damages relationships. It’s much better to listen and discuss things in a respectful manner.

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Ten Strategies for Working with Boys


Research from Nancy Bayley’s at UCLA showed that for boys more than girls there is indeed a direct link to learning difficulties when early childhood touch and attachment doesn’t occur or occurs inconsistently.  In her study, boys who experienced insecure attachment as infants tested out lower in adolescent intellectual skills than girls who did not receive secure attachment.  Although girls can end up with severe problems or diseases, the effect of lack of early attachment is harsher on the learning brains” of boys.  This does not negate the vulnerability of girl but only highlights the vulnerability of boys.

In all this, the bottom line is, often we receive damaged goods into our care.  Michael Gurian, of the Gurian Institute has developed in conjunction with Pat Crum, the director of the Family Nurturing Center of Michigan ten key strategies to promote attachment in boys, which in turn enables an adolescent male to master necessary life skills.

  1. Bursts of Attention – Offer at least five long bursts – many minutes at a time – and many shorter, intermittent periods of undivided attention throughout every day.
  2. Lots of Affirmation – Notice and support the young boy’s efforts and accomplishments verbally and, when appropriate, with other rewards, including physical hugs.
  3. Verbal Mirroring – Describe in words back to the boy what he is doing, “I like how you just put that book back on the shelf.”
  4. Physical Play – Because play is organic learning time for the body and brain, engage in play with boys a number of times per day.
  5. Leadership – In work and play relationships, let boys take the lead as much as you lead him.
  6. Enthusiasm – Infuse your interaction with joy, enthusiasm, and the pleasure of being together.  Find things to do that inspire him and provide an outlet for his often untamed passion.
  7. Predictability – Provide consistent, predictable structure and clear limits.
  8. Self-Management – Implement behavior management strategies that are based on the boy’s developmental stage.  Many adolescent males have not yet developed their cognitive processes that guide decision making.  Understanding this prevents unrealistic expectations.
  9. Choice-Making – Teach boys to make acceptable decisions.  Making the right choice builds that crucial learning center in the brain – the frontal lobe.  Do as little “for” the boy as you can, making him do as much for himself as he can.
  10. Appropriate Discipline – Avoid behavior management strategies designed to frighten boys into right behavior.  If punitive threat worked there would be no repeat offenders in our jails today.  And, often, all that a boy learns from punishment is that he’s a failure.  Identifying his reward system (what motivates him) is a better approach to making lasting change in behavior.

While this is pretty straight forward behavioral stuff there’s a lot of value in the above ten suggestions.  While they are based in science they do not take into account the activity of the Holy Spirit dwelling inside our boys.  This doe not mean they are contradictory, it does mean that there is a variable that we can’t predict or control.  We must add one more important strategy to this list for us to maintain fidelity to our calling; teaching boys to discern the leadings of the Spirit.

If we do all of the above our boys will pray, play and obey in a way that makes a lasting difference in their lives, in our lives, and in the world that they live in.

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