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Jesus vs. Schemas (pt. 1 of 2)


Schemas — What They Are

A schema is an extremely stable, enduring negative pattern that develops during childhood or adolescence and is elaborated throughout an individual’s life. We view the world through our schemas.  When one does not learn a healthy theology and understanding of who they are in Christ, these schemas take root where theology should live.

Schemas are important beliefs and feelings about oneself and the environment which the individual accepts without question. They are self-perpetuating, and are very resistant to change. For instance, children who develop a schema that they are incompetent rarely challenge this belief, even as adults. The schema usually does not go away without therapy. Overwhelming success in people’s lives is often still not enough to change the schema. The schema fights for its own survival, and, usually, quite successfully.

It’s also important to mention the importance of needs in schema formation and perpetuation. Schemas are formed when needs are not met during childhood and then the schema prevents similar needs from being fulfilled in adulthood. For instance a child whose need for secure attachments is not fulfilled by his parents may go for many years in later life without secure relationships while seeking maladaptive ways (often sinful but functional) to satisfy his or her longings.

Even though schemas persist once they are formed, they are not always in our awareness. Usually they operate in subtle ways, out of our awareness. However, when a schema erupts or is triggered by events, our thoughts and feelings are dominated by these schemas. It is at these moments that people tend to experience extreme negative emotions and have dysfunctional thoughts.

There are eighteen specific schemas. Most individuals have at least two or three of these schemas, and often more. A brief description of each of these schemas is provided below.

Emotional Deprivation

This schema refers to the belief that one’s primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs can be described in three categories: Nurturance—needs for affection, closeness and love; Empathy—needs to be listened to and understood; Protection—needs for advice, guidance and direction. Generally parents are cold or removed and don’t adequately care for the child in ways that would adequately meet the above needs.

Abandonment/Instability

This schema refers to the expectation that one will soon lose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will end eminently. As children, these individuals may have experienced the divorce or death of parents. This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistent in attending to the child’s needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occasions on which the child was left alone or unattended to for extended periods.

Mistrust/Abuse

This schema refers to the expectation that others will intentionally take advantage in some way. People with this schema expect others to hurt, cheat, or put them down. They often think in terms of attacking first or getting revenge afterwards. In childhood, these individuals were often abused or treated unfairly by parents, siblings, or peers.

Social Isolation/Alienation

This schema refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their families, are different from other people.

Defectiveness/Shame

This schema refers to the belief that one is internally flawed, and that, if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship. This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved.

Failure

This schema refers to the belief that one is incapable of performing as well as one’s peers in areas such as career, school or sports. These individuals may feel stupid, inept or untalented. People with this schema often do not try to achieve because they believe that they will fail. This schema may develop if children are put down and treated as if they are a failure in school and other spheres of accomplishment. Usually the parents did not give enough support, discipline, and encouragement for the child to persist and succeed in areas of achievement, such as schoolwork or sport.

Dependence/Incompetence

This schema refers to the belief that one is not capable of handling day-to-day responsibilities competently and independently. People with this schema often rely on others excessively for help in areas such as decision-making and initiating new tasks. Generally, parents did not encourage these children to act independently and develop confidence in their ability to take care of themselves.

Vulnerability to Harm and Illness

This schema refers to the belief that one is always on the verge of experiencing a major catastrophe (financial, natural, medical, criminal, etc.). It may lead to taking excessive precautions to protect oneself. Usually there was an extremely fearful parent who passed on the idea that the world is a dangerous place.

Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self

This schema refers to a pattern in which you experience too much emotional involvement with others – usually parents or romantic partners. It may also include the sense that one has too little individual identity or inner direction, causing a feeling of emptiness or of floundering. This schema is often brought on by parents who are so controlling, abusive, or so overprotective that the child is discouraged from developing a separate sense of self.

Subjugation

This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these individuals fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Individuals who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent.

Self-Sacrifice

This schema refers to the excessive sacrifice of one’s own needs in order to help others. When these individuals pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others’ needs ahead of their own. Often individuals who self-sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.

Emotional Inhibition

This schema refers to the belief that you must suppress spontaneous emotions and impulses, especially anger, because any expression of feelings would harm others or lead to loss of self-esteem, embarrassment, retaliation or abandonment. You may lack spontaneity, or be viewed as uptight. This schema is often brought on by parents who discourage the expression of feelings.

Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness

This schema refers to the belief that whatever you do is not good enough, that you must always strive harder. The motivation for this belief is the desire to meet extremely high internal demands for competence, usually to avoid internal criticism. People with this schema show impairments in important life areas, such as health, pleasure or self-esteem. Usually these individuals’ parents were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement.

Entitlement/Grandiosity

This schema refers to the belief that you should be able to do, say, or have whatever you want immediately regardless of whether that hurts others or seems reasonable to them. You are not interested in what other people need, nor are you aware of the long-term costs to you of alienating others. Parents who overindulge their children and who do not set limits about what is socially appropriate may foster the development of this schema. Alternatively, some children develop this schema to compensate for feelings of emotional deprivation or defectiveness.

Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline

This schema refers to the inability to tolerate any frustration in reaching one’s goals, as well as an inability to restrain expression of one’s impulses or feelings. When lack of self-control is extreme, criminal or addictive behavior rule your life. Parents who did not model self-control, or who did not adequately discipline their children, may predispose them to have this schema as adults.

Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking

This schema refers to the placing of too much emphasis on gaining the approval and recognition of others at the expense of one’s genuine needs and sense of self. It can also include excessive emphasis on status and appearance as a means of gaining recognition and approval. individuals with this schema are generally extremely sensitive to rejections by others and try hard to fit in. Usually they did not have their needs for unconditional love and acceptance met by their parents in their early years.

Negativity/Pessimism

This schema refers to a pervasive pattern of focusing on the negative aspects of life while minimizing the positive aspects. Individuals with this schema are unable to enjoy things that are going well in their lives because they are so concerned with negative details or potential future problems. They worry about possible failures no matter how well things are going for them. Usually these individuals had a parent who worried excessively.

Punitiveness

This schema refers to the belief that people deserve to be harshly punished for making mistakes. People with this schema are critical and unforgiving of both themselves and others. They tend to be angry about imperfect behaviors much of the time. In childhood these individuals usually had at least one parent who put too much emphasis on performance and had a punitive style of controlling behavior.

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There are two primary schema operations: Schema healing and schema perpetuation. All thoughts, behaviors and feelings may be seen as being part of one of these operations. Either they perpetuate the schema or they heal the schema. We will explore both in part 2.

0

Being Incarnational in the Midst of Tragedy


i-love-boston-by-wamWhat is trauma and what does it mean to survive and heal from it?  This is a poignant question on the heels of another attack on our country.  The bombings at the Boston Marathon will naturally impact those in attendance differently than those who watched the events through a screen, but we will all be impacted regardless.

 Have you ever been just sailing along smoothly in life and then BAM? Trauma strikes and nothing in your life will ever be the same again…

Maybe it’s because of a talk you had with a student, maybe it was the phone call where you found out that one of your students was killed in a car accident, or worse, they died at their own hands.  Maybe it is a natural disaster that wrecks your community like a flood or tornado.  Maybe it is a senseless school shooting like Newtown.  And in that moment, nothing makes any sense.  What do you do?  Do you run away?  Do you decide you are not cut out for this kind of work?  Do you just withdraw or run to something that will anesthetize you from the hurt?  What do you do?

Before trauma occurs you and your students operate from a belief that the world is orderly, that most people are kind, and that there is meaning to life.  You believe that God is in control of all things but prior to trauma that is a shallow belief because it has never been tested.  Post-trauma you are awakened to the awareness that you are not in control of anything and that you are vulnerable.  You begin to realize that you are no longer safe and secure.  Often, what gave you meaning before the event leave in a smoke cloud and we are left grasping at straws.  Life no longer feels fair or just.

In the PSTD Workbook (2002) Mary Beth Williams and Soili Poijula inform us that many factors impact how an individual reacts to a traumatic event.  Age, time preparing for the event, amount of damage done to you, (physically, emotionally, and spiritually), the amount of damage witnessed, and the degree of responsibility one feels for causing or not preventing the event (pg. 5).

The authors go on to say that there are three major types of factors that influence the development of PTSD.  They are pre-event factors, event factors, and post-event factors. 

Pre-Event Factors

  •  Previous exposure to severe adverse life events or trauma or childhood victimization, including neglect, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, or witnessing abuse
  • Hx. Of clinical depression
  • Poor coping skills
  • Unstable family system
  • Early substance abuse
  • Family hx. of anti-social / current anti-social behavior
  • Poor social support
  • Multiple early losses of people, places, or things
  • Gender (women 2x as likely to develop PTSD)

Event Factors

  •  Geographic nearness to event
  • Level of exposure to event
  • The event’s meaning to the individual
  • Age: being young at the time of the event
  • Being victim of multiple traumatic events
  • Duration of trauma
  • The existence of an ongoing threat that the trauma will continue (e.g., war)
  • Participation in an atrocity, as a perpetrator or witness

Post-Event Factors

  •  The absence of good social support
  • Not being able to do something about what happened
  • Indulging in self-pity while neglecting oneself
  • Being passive rather than active – letting things happen to you (disempowered)
  • Inability to find meaning in the suffering (Viktor Frankl – Logotherapy)

The PSTD Workbook by Williams and Poiluja, New Harbor Publications, Inc. 2002

As I read through these lists I can’t help but think that our ministries could play a central role of addressing many of the present factors surrounding traumatic events. 

Spend some time this week talking with your staff or volunteers and discuss the factors on these lists and ask, “How can we be incarnational in the midst of trauma and tragedy?”   I’d love to hear your ideas on this…

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UPDATE: Being Good News to LGBTQ Students 2016


The plight of LGBTQ youth has been a growing passion for CotF over the last several years. As we continue to look deeper into what it means to be a gay youth we are regularly surprised by the vilification of these adolescents by the church and the exploitation of them by the world. CotF is committed to pulling back the curtain in LGBTQ youth related issues, to bring an end to the continued marginalization of this potentially vulnerable group of beloved youth.

*This is an update on a previous post that challenges the church to consider whether it is actually Good News or contributes to the further victimization of LGBTQ youth.

Adolescence is a time of significant physical and psychosocial development.  As youth develop, they are typically informed by and supported by their peers.  Experimentation, exploration, and risk characterize adolescence, and many engage in high-risk behaviors during this time.  Beyond the impulsive, risk-taking nature of adolescents their budding identity is being shaped as well.  This is often a difficult and exciting time of exploration but can be even more difficult for a self-identified LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Questioning) adolescent.  While all teens are at risk to some degree, LGBTQ students are at a higher risk by the very nature of their orientation.

The following are just some of the reasons that LGBTQ youth are at a higher risk than the average student:

Alcohol and Drug Use in LGBTQ Youth

LGBTQ youth use alcohol and drugs for many of the same reasons as their heterosexual peers: to experiment and assert their independence, to relieve tension, to increase feelings of self-esteem and adequacy, and to self-medicate for underlying depression or other mood disorders.  However, LGBTQ youth may be more vulnerable as a result of the need to hide their sexual identity and the ensuing social isolation.  As a result, they may use alcohol or drugs to deal with stigma and shame, to deny same-sex attraction/feelings, or to help them cope with ridicule and antigay violence.

Stigma, Identity, and Risk

LGBTQ students have the same developmental tasks as their heterosexual peers, but they also face additional challenges in learning how to manage a stigmatized identity.  This extra burden puts LGBTQ youth at increased risk for substance abuse and unprotected sex and can intensify psychological distress and risk for suicide.  This is even more true when there are compounding intersections such as; being a minority, having a disability, etc.

Abuse and Homelessness

LGBTQ youth are at a high risk for antigay violence such as bullying (which is really peer assault and harassment), verbal, emotional, and social abuse.  Antigay attacks heighten an adolesent’s feelings of vulnerability, intensifies their inner conflict, and typically drives them further into isolation, reinforcing their sexual identity.

Homelessness is a particular concern for LGBTQ youth, because many teens may run away as a result of harassment and abuse from family members or peers who disapprove of the sexual orientation.  Still others may be thrown out of the home when their parents learn they are gay.  Like their heterosexual peers, LGBTQ homeless and runaway youth have many health and social problems, including mental health problems, high risk for suicide, and STDs (including being at high risk for HIV/AIDS).

*excerpts taken from SAMHSA: A Providers Instruction to Substance Abuse Treatment for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Individuals

At first glance, adolescents who work in the commercial sex industry may be identified as prostitutes. As prostitution is illegal in most countries, adolescents may initially be labeled as criminals. However, since sex trafficking and prostitution involve the sale of sex and sexual acts, adolescents are actually, according to the legal criteria, the victims of criminal activity, i.e., of sex trafficking. Specifically, adolescents who are forced into commercial sex acts through the use of coercion, fraud, or threats are considered victims of sex trafficking regardless of their age, and any person younger than age 18 involved in any form of commercial sexual exploitation (e.g., prostitution, pornography, sex tourism, and stripping) is considered the victim of the crime of sex trafficking of a minor. The legal criteria or definitions, which provide additional legal protection to victims, are provided under the Trafficking Victims Protection Act, which was adopted by the U.S. Congress in 2000 and reauthorized and revised in 2003, 2005, and 2008.

Crimes committed against child trafficking victims (e.g., threats, extortion, theft of documents or property, false imprisonment, aggravated or sexual assault, pimping, rape, and murder) result in an immeasurable amount of short- and long-term physical, mental, and emotional harm. Minors are targeted more frequently because they are easy to manipulate and unable to protect themselves. LGBT minors who are homeless are at the highest risk for sex trafficking and sexual exploitation. According to the U.S. National Coalition for the Homeless (www.nationalhomeless.org), homeless LGBT youth are much more vulnerable to sexual exploitation and trafficking than other homeless youths. For instance, only 20 percent of homeless youth are LGBT in the United States, and 58.7 percent of them are exploited through sexual prostitution. This is a much higher rate than the 33.4 percent of heterosexual homeless youth that are at risk of sexual exploitation on the street.

Lack of reporting limits the ability to protect LGBT youth. If local publications and news channels do not report on the prevalence of human trafficking and on the disproportionate number of our homeless and runaway youth that are LGBT, it creates a perception that LGBT human trafficking and youth homelessness are issues outside the community or are issues only affecting the “Western world.” Increasing awareness of the worldwide prevalence of such issues will lead to a productive debate in society that could potentially tap into the core issues affecting LGBT homeless and LGBT youth at risk of sex trafficking.

*source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4204396/

Love146, a organization working to prevent child trafficking and exploitation, reports that sexual exploitation is devastating to a child. The after effects that children/youth face include…

Drug and alcohol dependencies, depression and anxiety, HIV and other STDs, revictimization, PTSD and/or complex stress disorder, unplanned pregnancy, addiction to money, fistulas and other health complications, hypersexualization, shame and humility, complex issues of self-worth, trauma bonds and Stockholm Syndrome, suicide attempts and self-injury, guilt and self-blame, mental illness, pressure from family, and prostitution in adulthood.

We CANNOT continue to allow this to happen. The church has mandate to NOT allow this. If our practices, intentionally or unintentionally, contribute to a system that further marginalizes and exploits LGBTQ youth then it is simply not Christian.

So my question is this…How can the church (and our youth ministries) be Good News to these precious kids that are at such a high risk?

 

7

Handling Stress in Ministry and Life


You’ve heard it said that hungry stomachs have no ears, implying that the Gospel is neutered if it doesn’t take into account the here and now and not just the hereafter.  The same can be said about stressed-out teens don’t give a rip about Jesus if He can’t impact their lives immediately.  In a culture that moves as fast as our stress is just the name of the game.  Those of us living with high levels of stress seem to think this is an acceptable consequence of preparing for a pursuit of the American Dream (one that no longer exists by the way). We, as a culture, are flaming out in alarming numbers and it’s largely due to the perception that Jesus doesn’t really make a difference in helping me manage my increasingly burdened life.

Stress is simply the experience of environmental problems and the lack of resources (internal and/or external) to do anything about them.  The many stressors one might encounter on any given day and the stress they induce is directly related to the individual’s perception and their capabilities to cope with the stressors.  This is often referred to as the Stress Response of fight or flight.  Causes of stress or potential stressors have been commonly and straightforwardly defined as experiencing negative events.  These events have a cumulative effect so an increased number of stressful events experienced in a relatively short period of time compounds the effects of stress and makes coping with them more difficult.  Now add to it the pressure to commit to youth ministry expectations, demands, and beliefs.  Jesus = more stress!

Our reality is that while the gospel never changes, nor does God, how they intersect with someone’s life does.  For one individual it is simply an academic exercise of reading and understanding the written Word in order to bring about change in their heart.  Yet, for another, it may be the friendship of a gospel messenger that communicates the love of the God to an otherwise marginalized individual.  Still, yet, there is the one that brings immediate relief to a hopeless and helpless person in the form of much-needed resources, such as; food, water, or shelter.  It can also be the concerned youth worker that engages a young person in a mentoring relationship and in the context of that relationship equips them with very practical coping skills that allow them to manage the stressors in their life.  That’s the beauty and mystery of the gospel; it is whatever the individual needs it to be.  God meets us at our need!  That is Good News!

Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

The Yoke of Oppression vs. the Yoke of Christ

Stress is oppressive.  Stress smothers us until we cannot breathe anymore.  It holds one captive and can control them when there is a lack of coping skills available.  It forces one to rely on the “stress response” system of “fight or flight” and creates an ongoing sense of anxiety and/or anger in the individual.  The yoke of Christ is easy.  It is freeing in its call to submission.  It says to the one yoked, “I will gently guide you through whatever you are facing.”  It is protective by its very nature and contributes to an underlying sense of peace.  This is due to the idea that one does not have to carry their burden alone.

We youth workers can reduce to potential for burnout by developing coping skills endorsed in the Scriptures.  Coping can be defined as a set of responses, cognitive or behavioral, that people use to deal with problematic events and to avoid being harmed by life’s stressors.  Coping refers to a set of purposeful individual reactions to those stressors.  It is a reaction to stressors that resolves, reduces or replaces the unhelpful stressful state.  It is the process by which one manages the demands of the environment that are stressful and the accompanying emotions of stress.

Professionals have identified six major areas from which people draw from in order to cope:

1.)  Health and Energy:  These are important resources because an individual who is sick or tired has less energy than a healthy person to expend on coping.  We have a limited, but replenishable supply of energy.  This energy is fueled by glucose.  What we eat and how we treat our bodies has a lot to do with how we manage life’s difficulties.  1 Corinthians 6:19 – Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.

2.)  Positive Beliefs:  Viewing oneself positively and believing that life outcomes are controllable and will be positive.  Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

3.)  Problem-Solving Skills:  The ability to search for information, generate alternative courses of action, weigh alternatives with respect to outcome, and select and implement an appropriate plan of action.  Proverbs 2

4.)  Social Skills:  The ability to communicate and behave in ways that are socially appropriate and effective.  Romans 14:13 – Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.

5.)  Social Support:  Emotional, informational, spiritual and/or tangible support from others.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 – Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

6.)  Material Resources:  Money and goods and services money can buy.  James 2:15-16 – If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,” and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that?

People use internal and external assets (psychological and social) and specific coping skills to manage stress.  Resources are what is available to people to develop coping repertoires.  External assets found through social networks such as youth ministry, small groups, counseling, family members, etc., that are potential sources of support.  Internal assets are the personality characteristics that people draw on from within such as conviction, courage, stress tolerance, and skills to help them withstand potential stressors.  It goes without saying that people with limited assets will struggle more and will have a higher likelihood of being overwhelmed with stress.

So…what impact should this have on us as youth workers?

Here are 5 practical suggestions aimed at helping one prevent stress or manage stressors real time:

1.)     Express yourself:  The Scriptures are full of God’s people calling out to Him who are frustrated, afraid, deeply saddened, overjoyed, excited and passionate.  Somewhere along the way we were taught that as Christians we can’t emote because feelings aren’t trustworthy.  While that may be true their expression is often essential in relieving the stress they are causing.   Ps. 31:21 – In my alarm I said, “I am cut off from your sight!”  Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.

2.)    Fight Resentment:  The word re-sent literally means to feel (sentiment) again (re).  One who is resentful is one who relives the offense over and over again with the same intensity as it was originally experienced.  The long-term consequences of hanging on to resentment are many and according to Scripture are toxic.  Hebrews 12:15 – See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

3.)    Reach Out:  A Lone-Gunman mentality goes against the very nature of God the Father, who has always existed in community with the Son and the Spirit.  We were made in Their image and therefore are made to be connected to each other.  When one part of the body suffers the whole body suffers.  We are an interdependent organism working together for God’s glory.  We cannot do this life alone, and weren’t meant to.  We are called to carry each others burdens.  Galatians 6:2 – Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

4.)    Adjust Priorities:  It is an unfortunate reality that when we are stressed out we don’t so much turn away from God as much as we simply forget about Him.  For many God is a last resort and when it all hits the proverbial fan we go running back to Him.  God longs for us to turn back to Him and run into His open and outstretched arms.  More importantly He wants us to know that He is Immanuel.  He is with us in the storms.  Jonah 2:7 – “When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.

5.)    Be Persistent:  Be persistent in your pursuit of seeking your Father.  Be persistent in seeking rest.  Be persistent in finding time to play.  Be persistent in pushing through difficult times.  But don’t do this in your own strength, do this by being persistent in your pursuit of nurturing a complete and utter dependence on the Holy Spirit.  The Spirit is your Comforter, your Advocate, and your Healer.  Learn to lean on it for strength during those times when you feel overwhelmed.  Matthew 11:28-29 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Stress is a natural part of life and mostly cannot be avoided.  There are deadlines, a crisis that occurs, illnesses, and conflict that we will encounter along the way.  It is our profound hope though that God is everything He says He is and that we can begin living in such a way that proves it.  How we handle stress in an over-stressed world might just be one of the best ways we can demonstrate that a relationship with the God of the Bible is the only way to make it through this world and into the next.

1

The Power of Permission in Youth Ministry


permission grantedThe first time I learned about the validation that comes with giving someone permission to experience their reality came when I was 10 years old.  I was regularly invited to sleep over at my friend Joel’s house.  I suffered horribly from being homesick when I was younger.  It was often a source of ridicule from peers and a source of shame from within.

On this particular evening Joel had invited me to come stay the night.  I considered not even going to avoid the shame of Joel’s parents calling my mom at eleven o’clock at night to come pick me up.  But the virtual Disneyland playground in Joel’s backyard beckoned me to come and I had brought my laser weapon, for my role was always that of Han Solo.  Joel was Luke Skywalker and we would fight the clone army to save our beloved Princess Leia.  I had to go, so I mustered up the courage to try again.

I walked up to the door with my mom in tow on a Friday evening after school, and waited for what always happened.  I waited for my friend’s mom to tell me how much fun I was going to have that evening, and for the pressure of her promise to me that I’d never get homesick at their house.  I was sure I would disappoint.

But Joel’s mom did something different this time.  She brought me into the house, turned to my mother, and calmly said, “Goodbye for now, I’ll probably be seeing you later tonight.”  I stared up at this brilliant woman who had become the first person ever to give me permission to be homesick.  And because I walked around all evening thinking to myself that I could get homesick any time I wanted, and that it would be okay and even expected, I never once felt it come on.  I stayed at Joel’s for the first time and mom got to stay at home.

Permitting someone ownership of the his or her beliefs, impulses, defenses, and their consequences in your presence, without applying any pressure on the person to change, is a powerful phenomenon for encouraging the very change never asked for.  It’s a concept that Carl Roger’s coined unconditional regard.  It is an active appreciation of one’s felt need to stay as they are even when negative consequences are apparent or severe.  Never manipulative, never designed specifically for change nor offered up in the spirit of contradictory restriction, the act of respecting individuals’ control over their being and the choices they make serves naturally to liberate them from the need to defend, broadcast, or otherwise impose these choices.   In the absence of fear and threat, an individual is freer to consider what is working and what isn’t, and make changes experienced as autonomous.

When I think about many of the strategies we’ve seen in youth ministry to “win souls” or “disciple” our students, I wonder how many of them actually CHOOSE Christ versus how many are simply pressured into conformity.  It should come as no surprise when they leave our nests that they don’t return.  I’m not implying that we shouldn’t call out the best of our students but too often our means doesn’t allow for an autonomous choice driven by an awareness that the old way of doing things isn’t working and the promises of God are compelling enough to let them go.  Let’s give kids permission to be who they really are and to validate their perspectives and feelings (regardless of whether they reflect current reality).  Maybe by doing this our kids will allow us the influence we want but usually try to take by force.

3

The Functionality of Sin


ducttapeTraditional youth ministry training didn’t really prepare me for the acute problems my kids were showing up with at our youth ministry. I got into to youth ministry because the first time I walked into a youth ministry gathering I felt a connection, a calling to speak into their lives. I wanted desperately to impact their lives for the Kindgom. The typical fare in most youth ministry training programs is maybe a psych 110 class or an adolescent development overview but very little in the way of preparing me to minister effectively to them. Take Whitney, a 15 year old high school sophomore who had recently been hospitalized for depression, self-injury and suicidal ideation. When she was brought to our youth group by one of our “professional evangelism daters” we just weren’t sure what to do in order to walk with her and her family through the next couple of years. This started us on a journey of seeking to understand these fringe issues (which really aren’t fringe any longer), to be better equipped to love these kids that God was sending us. We believed we were called to be good stewards of the kids He sent us and that meant pulling our head out of the sand, rolling up our sleeves and getting our hands dirty.
Sin is such a complex issue, everything from understanding what it is to what it isn’t, to what are the systemic causes of it, to how we deal with the fallout of sin, to how we put programs in place to create an environment that not only discourages sin but fosters the belief that everyone, EVERYONE, is a child of God and treated accordingly.

Dr. Brene` Brown, in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power explains her research on the subject of shame as a study on the power of connection and the dangers of disconnection. When one considers the process to the product that is a sinful individual we must first understand that our primary drive is to be connected. God first existed in community and we are created in Their image, aren’t we? The longing to belong serves many purposes; survival, fulfillment, success, and procreation. Growing up as blank slates our families, environments, and culture shape how we “learn” to connect. We are taught skills and styles of connecting to others. Sometimes these means are healthy and affirming, and God honoring, placing God at the helm and others accordingly. Other times we are not taught healthy ways of connecting. We are taught that violence, aggression, manipulation and other illegitimate means are what are necessary to get what you need and want.

When we are not affirmed as worthy of being connected to others we learn to see ourselves as deficient, broken, not valuable, insignificant, etc., but our need for connection doesn’t leave us, we simply learn other ways to get what we need.

If this is done well, as God first intended, then it significantly increases the likelihood of having generations of people who choose to enter into a relationship with Him, just as He ordained from the beginning of time.
When this doesn’t go as God intended the opposite result is the outcome. Brokenness in God’s creation exists. God’s children all fighting and pining instead of cooperating to satisfy the deepest longings of their heart. Longings placed in them to direct them to God and each other, in that order. We experience sin and its collateral damage when we invert that order, placing me and others before our relationship with God the Father.

This is where sin becomes functional. Sin becomes a means to an end. For a long time we have demonized our sinful youth as just giving in to their hedonic nature. What if there was more going on than just simple pleasure seeking? What is we began to ask the question, “What purpose does sin have?”. Would this change the way we approach our youth and their sinful behaviors? What if we started having conversations about other ways, more God-honoring ways, to meet the deepest longings of their hearts? What if we spoke the language of their heart and longings? What if we told them of a God who can satisfy these longings in real ways, so that it is God’s love that draws them not the fear of Him. What if we created space in our homes and gathering places where youth felt they belonged and mattered? If we could do this, with the help of the Spirit, would they drop their cheap substitute (sin) for the real deal (God)? What do we have to lose?

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Bueller…Bueller…(Youth Ministry 101)



 

Remember this scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?  Man, this scene resonated with me because I had experiences like this when I was a student.  I have also, unfortunately had youth ministry experiences like this when students wiped their saliva off their cheek after nodding out from listening to me drone on and on…

Our first objective as teachers is to capture our students’ attention.  If we don’t gain their attention, the chance that they’ll learn anything is remote at best.  The process of attention serves two primary purposes, the first of which is survival.  The brain kept our ancestors safe by alerting them to possible hazards in their midst like strangers, thunder clouds, or wild animals.  Fortunately, it is the rare occasion that survival is at stake in youth ministry.  Instead, attention serves its second purpose – maintaining pleasurable feelings.  The hot girl with the pierced tongue, a double chocolate ice cream bar, and listening to pop music are pleasurable diversions for modern teenagers.  So are funny stories, terrible tragedies, and first loves, which the bible is full of.  

So why does it seem that our kids are tuning out?

The brain is bombarded with information from the senses.  Everything we see, hear, touch, smell, and taste finds its way to the sensory receptors, from the clothes on your back to the beige walls of the youth group room and the radio playing softly in the back ground.  At the base of the brain is the brain stem, which controls involuntary actions like breathing, blood pressure, and heartbeats.  Deep within the brain stem is the reticular formation, a system of neurons that gathers information from all of your senses and controls your awareness levels.  Some awareness is at a conscious level (what you see and hear a speaker do and say) and some at an uncounscious level (the color of the walls or the socks you are wearing).  It would be impossible for the brain to consciously focus on each bit of data it receives.  You may be oblivious to the feel of a baseball hat on your head while the cute girl beside you captures your full attention.  Consider the immense amount of information the brain is capable of absorbing, from the food stuck in your teeth to the lint on your coat, we are fortunate to be able to forget most things.  Otherwise, we’d overload.

Ask a group of teenagers what they think about youth group teaching times and you might hear answers like: “Boring.” “Stupid.” “It sucks.”  Of course, friends, potential dates, meals, and doodling don’t bore them; the adolescent brain is fascinated by (and seeks out) novelty and emotion (Koepp et al., 1998; Spear, 2000).  Sitting through a youth group lecture (especially one that is self-indulgent) that fails to include either is the real test of a teen’s attention.  Many teaching strategies have a great deal of difficulty keeping attention and arousing emotion, both of which are necessary to stimulate change in behavior.  Lecture, which can be an efficient way to deliver information, is often not emotionally charged.  Objective memorization rarely generate emotion and are often difficult to apply to real-world applications.  Yet lecture is still a dismayingly popular means of presenting content.  We miss opportunities when we overuse strategies that neglect our emotional and cognitive constitution – two powerful memory builders.

I’m not suggesting that we dress up like clowns and juggle for our students.  I am suggesting that we understand their learning abilities and compensate for their developmental limitations and strengths.

How can we engage our students cognitive and emotional abilities in ways that motivate change in their hearts and their behaviors?

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Beliefs + Emotions = Action


Have you wondered why your students have a tendency to overreact emotionally?  Have you ever wondered why some of them seem to think the world revolves around them?  Have you ever wondered why, in spite of your and their parent’s best efforts, one of your high school students regularly leaves youth group in tears or angry and their friends? 

Adolescents are particularly prone to patterns of irrational thinking. Influenced by a myriad of sources, they often have an skewed perspective on themselves and the world they live in.  Dr. David Elkind coined the term “Imaginary Audience” that many adolescents belive they are in front of every minute of every day.  This type of thinking can be irrational and lead to all sorts of difficult behaviors.

Albert Ellis (1977) described an ABC(DE) model of emotional disturbances that illustrates how beliefs influence emotions and how people become upset.  As shown below an individual’s beliefs (B) about an activating event (A) cause his or her emotional and behavioral consequences (C).  This is contrasted with the commonly held belief (by adolescents) that emotions and behaviors are caused by the events.  Disputation (D), or questioning and challenging irrational beliefs that young people might hold about themselves, others, events, and the world they live in will lead to a more constructive emotional and behavioral effects (E).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ellis and his colleagues have identified numerous irrational beliefs commonly held in our culture that appear to cause emotional disturbance.  Some of the most frequently cited irrational beliefs can be found here.

Ellis (1980, pp.5-7) indicates that the irrational beliefs listed stem from the following three major irrational belief clusters:

 

  1. “I must do well and win approval for my performance, or else I rate as a rotten person.”
  2. “Others must treat me considerately and kindly in precisely the way I want them to treat me; if they don’t, society and the universe should severely blame, damn, and punish them for their inconsiderateness.”
  3. Conditions under which I live must get arranged so that I get practically everything I want comfortably, quickly, and easily, and get virtually nothing that I don’t want.

 

Bernard and Joyce (1984) state that these three irrational belief clusters cause major problems during childhood and adolescence as well as adulthood.  Waters (1982, p.572) has identified the following ten irrational beliefs of children:

 

  1. “It’s awful if others don’t like me.”
  2. “I’m bad if I make a mistake.”
  3. “Everything should go my way; I should always get what I want.”
  4. “Things should come easy to me.”
  5. “The world should be fair and bad people must be punished.”
  6. “I shouldn’t show my feelings.”
  7. “Adults should be perfect.”
  8. “There’s only one right answer.”
  9. “I must win.”
  10. “I shouldn’t have to wait for anything.”

 

In addition, Waters (1981, p.6) identified ten irrational beliefs held by adolescents:

 

  1. “It would be awful if my peers didn’t like me.  It would be awful to be a social loser.”
  2. I shouldn’t make mistakes, especially social mistakes.”
  3. “It’s my parents’ fault I’m so miserable.”
  4. “I can’t help it; that’s just the way I am and I guess I will always be this way.”
  5. “The world should be fair and just.”
  6. “It is awful when things don’t go my way.”
  7. “It is better to avoid challenges than to risk failure.”
  8. “I must conform to my peers.”
  9. “I can’t stand to be criticized.”
  10. “Others should always be responsible.”

We, as youth workers, are in a unique position where we can influence a students perspective and beliefs.  It is with great fear and reverence that we should move forward into this position.  We are in a position to shape their identity and the lens by which they interact with the world around them.  We are not alone in this as parents, teachers, friends and other play this role as well, but we have the privilege of helping them navigate this stage of life.  We should measure our words and be careful because we can either reinforce irrational beliefs (that shape their behaviors) or speak life and truth into their lives that help them understand who they are in Christ and the unique role they play in the Redemption Story.

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I Have An Aspie In My Youth Group!


In a setting which relies heavily on spoken and written words the Asperger’s child is at a disadvantage.  With a growing awareness of Asperger’s and its nuances youth ministries need to adjust some of their practices to make it more accessible to those who have traits of or a diagnosis of the disorder.

 There are three main interrelated general areas of functional liability in children with AD:

  1. Visual-spacial processing and sensory-motor integration
  2. Information processing and organizational skills
  3. Social skills and pragmatic language development

These areas will need to be discussed in greater detail by youth ministries as this is largely misunderstood people group that are not being effectively impacted with the Good News, not for a lack of want but likely from a lack of understanding and awareness on our part.  For the time being we’ll simply provide an overview of these three areas of difficulty and leave it up to you to contextualize in your ministry setting.

Visual-spacial processing and sensory-motor integration

Examples of visual-spacial skills include the ability to walk a narrow beam or to run while accurately throwing a ball to another person.  Most of us take these skills for granted.  You probably think nothing of the fact that you know the relative size of things.  When going to pick up a stack of books, you know that they will be heavier than the single book you just put down, and you’ll adjust your motor movement to account for that difference.  You take for granted that you can find your way from one place to another in a large building.  For youth with AD, the visual-spacial and visual discrimination skills required to accomplish all these activities are often impaired, contributing to a natural clumsiness and frequent experiences of getting lost.

Visual-spacial processing impacts learning in many ways and this has a direct impact on discipleship efforts, given that we primarily teach about our Christian faith like a classroom subject.  Students with AD find tasks such as handwriting, taking notes, and filling out forms and worksheets difficult at best and often impossible.  Given the difficulties these children have in visual spacial processing and coordinating sensory-motor integration, seemingly simple tasks are not simple and can impede their ability to grow and develop spiritually as their peers.  The problem is not one of failing to understand the task or not having the knowledge to complete the task (i.e., bible study); rather, the problem is that these youth have a specific disability that interferes with the processing of visual-motor and visual-spacial information.

Information processing and organizational skills

Processing the many forms of information that you encounter daily is dependent on a complex set of interconnections between multiple parts of the brain.  In students with AD this process is impaired, leaving them unable to easily or quickly make sense of simple day-to-day tasks (like homework or chores), or individual expectations (grooming or managing relationships).  The information goes in, but once it enters the labyrinth of the mind it becomes jumbled and their ability to organize, recall, or use the information is hindered by their cognitive processes.  Imagine trying to relate a parable of Jesus to a student with AD.  This can often appear on the surface to be oppositional in nature but upon further inspection it is simply the result of a complex cognitive process that has gone off the track.

Social skills and pragmatic language development

In the development of social skills and day-to-day language that conveys social meaning the AD child struggles.  This is partly due to the first two issues addressed above.  The student’s difficulties processing information and accurately comprehending the actions of others, along with spacial, motor, and organizational problems combine to create pain nd anxiety for the child.  Normal social interactions occur on so many levels at the same time, some overt (verbal messages) and some covert (hidden messages, tone of voice, nonverbal, gestures, body language, etc.).  Youth with AD do not fully grasp these nuances, missing social cues and implied meanings that others understand.  Aspies often take things at face value, interpreting statements literally, often missing sarcasm, subtly humor, or even threats. 

Just because a child has AD does not mean they will skip being a teenager.  The student is just as  likely to go through the normal variations of mood and personality as any teen; they just go through adolescence with more baggage.  The good news is that, developmentally, most of these teens are slower to become aware of adolescent issues of sexuality, drugs, or rebellion, but these issues will eventually come up  The social culture that our youth are a part of is difficult at best, and many of these teens are not prepared to deal with the pressures they face daily.  We have a tremendous opportunity to show the love of Christ to Aspies and their families by entering into the potential messiness of their day-to-day living and getting our hands dirty.  The message this sends when we seek to understand is that they matter.  They matter to us and more importantly, they matter to the God who created them.

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