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The Anatomy Of Honesty


We encourage students to explore the role of honesty and confession as a discipline in the Way of Jesus.  Issues relevant to this topic include: What is the cost of dishonesty?  When is it safe to confess?  What if the other person doesn’t accept honesty?

“I haven’t told my parents that I use pot.  I don’t want them to be mad at me.”

“My abuse can’t be as bad as I’ve made it out to be; I must be making things up.”

“If I tell my family about the abuse, I’ll be the black sheep.”

“I don’t want to date that person, but I can’t say ‘no’.”

Honesty, with God, oneself and others, is a central principle of the Way of Jesus.  Secrecy, lies, and avoidance are hallmarks of sin as well as abuse.  In cases of abuse, young people may have been punished or ignored if they spoke out regarding their abuse, and thus learned to suppress their truths.  When the consequence of telling the truth is greater than that of telling lies it makes sense that one would choose the latter of the two.

Students are therefore encouraged to recognize the cost of dishonesty: It alienates them from others and perpetuates the idea that something about them is unacceptable and must be hidden. (Think Adam and Eve)  In contrast honesty is liberating. 

The term “honesty” conveys an ideal that goes beyond just expressing one’s views.  It is meant to convey integrity, the notion of “owning” one’s experiences, and a spiritual sense of acceptance. 

Honesty is a complicated subject, however, as real risks are on the line for the abused student.  Honesty needs to be selective.  It may not be safe, for example, for a young person to confront their abuser. 

One particularly difficult situation is when a student asks the youth worker to hide information from parents or other adults, such as substance abuse.  In such scenarios, it is strongly recommended that the youth worker not keep secrets that would further place the student at risk of hurting themselves or others.  It usually helps to suggest to the student to try talking honestly with the parents, setting a date by which it would happen (such as a few days).  After the specified date, the youth worker then talks with the parents directly to confirm that the information has been shared.  Although there may be a risk of the student dropping out of our program, the greater risk is keeping substance abuse secrets on behalf of the student.  Not only would this reinforce lying about substance abuse, but it puts the youth worker in the position of being an “enabler” and may at times put other people in jeopardy (i.e., driving while under the influence). 

In encouraging students to be honest, a key issue is helping them cope with others’ negative reactions.  It helps to view honesty as a positive goal in and of itself, regardless of how the other person feels.  This is the Way of Jesus.  He routinely spoke truth for the sake of truth and not because He was concerned with how the others would react to it.  There will be growth either way: If the person has a positive reaction, the relationship has increased in closeness; if the person has a negative reaction, the student has learned more about the other person and can proceed accordingly.  Unfortunately, young people too often take a negative reaction to truth not as information about the other person, but as condemnation of themselves.  Preparing for negative reactions is then very important because when we can see that often dishonesty is nothing more than a functional protective skill, developed to keep someone safe from threats, we can move from a place of compassion into the messiness of their world.

Because it can be so difficult for students to be honest, respecting their defenses and locating areas where they are able to make some disclosure is more helpful than trying to convince them reveal when they resist.  Thus, if a student cannot be honest in a particular situation we should use this defensive posture as a thermostat for our relationship with that student.  Resistance can sometimes, often time, be a gift.  It lets us know there is still work to be done to develop a trusting relationship with a hurt and scared student. 

If we are fortunate enough to gain their trust, we dare not do anything to lose it.  It is a sacred thing when a person allows you entrance into their innermost hurt.  We must tread carefully.  Take off your shoes because you are walking on holy ground.  It is here that we have the opportunity to witness the miracle of Jesus making someone whole again.

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The Importance Of Harmonious Peer Relationship


Just how important is it for human beings to establish and maintain harmonious relationships with their peers?  Apparently it is very important.  One recent review of more than 30 studies revealed that youngsters who had been rejected by their peers during grade school are much more likely that those who had enjoyed good peer relations to drop out of school, to become involved in delinquent or criminal activities, and to display serious psychological difficulties later in adolescence and young adulthood. (Parker & Asher, 1987; see also Kupersmidt & Coie, 1990)  So merely having contact with peer associates is not enough to ensure normal developmental outcomes; getting along with peers in important too.

How can we measure children’s peer acceptance and identify those youth who are at risk of experiencing adverse outcomes later in life?  Researchers generally rely on sociometric techniques. In a sociometric survey each child in a peer group might be asked to name several peers whom she likes and several whom she dislikes; or, alternatively, each child might be asked to rate all peer-group members in terms of their desirability as companions.  By analyzing the choices that kids make, it is usually possible to classify each group member into one of the following categories: (1) popular children (those liked by most peers and rejected by few), (2) amiables, or “accepteds” (those who are chosen less frequently than “populars” but who receive a clear preponderance of positive nominations), (3) neglectees (children who are rarely nominated as liked or disliked and who seem almost invisible to peers), and (4) rejectees (those who are disliked by many peers and accepted by few).*  And it seems that rejected children fall in roughly equal numbers into two distinct subcategories: those who are highly and inappropriately aggressive (aggressive rejectees) and others who are anxious, low in self-esteem, and inclined to withdraw from peer contacts (nonaggressive rejectees) (Boivin & Begin, 1989, French, 1988).

Notice that both neglectees and rejectees are low in peer acceptance.  Yet it is not nearly as bad to be ignored by one’s peers as to be rejected by them.  Neglectees do not feel as lonely as rejectees do (Asher & Wheeler, 1985), and they are much more likely than rejected children to eventually become accepted or even popular should they enter a new class or new peer group (Coie & Dodge, 1983).  In addition, it is the rejected child, particularly the aggressive rejectee, who faces the greater risk of displaying deviant, antisocial behavior or other serious adjustment problems later in life (Asher & Coie, 1990; Kupersmidt & Coie, 1990; Roff, 1974).

All of this underlies the importance of community.  Not psuedo-community but genuine community.  See, Jesus came to bring reconciliation.  He came to bring it to those who have been rejected and neglected.  His chief aim was to reconcile them first to Himself and then to community with others.  This is why we, as God’s people, must actively seek out relationships with those marginalized.  It is because of God’s original design for community that this is how He choses to be known, through relationships.

We have the task of redefining what is “acceptable” or the “norm” and what is “valuable” when it comes to relational capital.  Those factors, such as; attractiveness, economic status, and position do not determine placement in God’s relational economy.  We must fight against adopting the worlds class system and embrace those who have been cast off as not having value because it is what God did with us.  Our families and ministries should reflect God’s heart for all of mankind.  If it doesn’t then we’ve missed the mark.

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Suicide Prevention


Almost inevitably, family members and friends are drawn into the painful world of suicide.  In light of the numerous cases of suicide over the last month we think it would be helpful to give some guidelines for families and friends of those who struggle with suicidal ideation. 

If a family member or friend is acutely suicidal, it may be necessary to take away their credit cards, car keys, and checkbooks and to be supportive but firm in getting them to an emergency room or walk-in clinic.  If the person is violent, it may be necessary to call the police.  These are difficult things to do but often essential.

The National Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association, a national patient-run advocacy and support group based in Chicago, makes the following specific recommendations to family members and friends who believe someone they know is in danger of committing suicide:

  • Take your friend or family seriously.
  • Stay calm, but don’t underreact.
  • Involve other people.  Don’t try to handle the crisis alone or jeopardize your own health or safety.  Call 911 in necessary.
  • Contact the person’s psychiatrist, therapist, crisis intervention team, doctor, or others who are trained to help.
  • Express concern.  Give concrete examples of what leads you to believe your friend (or family member) is close to suicide.
  • Listen attentively.  Maitain eye contact.  Use body language such as moving close to the person or holding his or her hand, if it is appropriate.
  • Ask direct questions.  Find out if your friend (or family member) has a specific plan for suicide.  Determine, if you can, what methode of suicide he or she is thinking about.
  • Acknowledge the person’s feelings.  Be empathetic, not judgmental.  Do not relieve the person of responsibility for his or her actions.
  • Reassure.  Stress that suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.  Provide hope.  Remind your friend or family member that there is help and things will get better.
  • Do not promise confidentiality.  You may need to speak to your loved one’s doctor in order to protect the person.  Don’t make promises that would endanger your loved one’s life.
  • If possible, don’t leave the person alone until you are sure they are in the hands of competent professionals.

There are several excellent advocacy and research organizations, many of which have patient and family support groups with suicide prevention and mental illness. 

If you or someone you love is suicidal, we recommend contacting the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline toll-free at 800-273-8255. Additional crisis and suicide hotlines are available in the category below, Crises and Suicide.

AIDS

AIDS Hotline
(800) FOR-AIDS

American Social Health Association: Sexually Transmitted Disease Hotline
(800) 227-8922

CDC AIDS Information
(800) 232-4636

AIDS Info: Treatment, Prevention and Research
(800) HIV-0440

National AIDS Hotline
(800) 342-AIDS

ALCOHOL

Alcohol Hotline
(800) 331-2900

Al-Anon for Families of Alcoholics
(800) 344-2666

Alcohol and Drug Helpline
(800) 821-4357

Alcohol Treatment Referral Hotline
(800) 252-6465

Alcohol & Drug Abuse Hotline
(800) 729-6686

Families Anonymous
(800) 736-9805

National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence Hopeline
(800) 622-2255

CHILD ABUSE

Child Help USA National Child Abuse Hotline
(800) 422-4453

Covenant House
(800) 999-9999

CRISIS AND SUICIDE

Girls & Boys Town National Hotline
(800) 448-3000

International Suicide Hotlines

National Hopeline Network
(800) SUICIDE

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
(800) 273-TALK (8255)

National Youth Crisis Hotline
(800) 442-HOPE (4673)

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799-7233

National US Child Abuse Hotline
(800) 422-4453

MEDICAL

American Association of Poison Control Centers
(800) 222-1222

America Social Health: STD Hotline
(800) 227-8922

OTHER

Shoplifters Anonymous
(800) 848-9595

Eating Disorders Awareness and Prevention
(800) 931-2237

Teen Help Adolescent Resources
(800) 840-5704

PREGNANCY

Planned Parenthood Hotline
(800) 230-PLAN (230-7526)

RAPE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)
(800) 656-HOPE

National Domestic Violence/Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse
(800) 799-7233

Abuse Victim Hotline
(866) 662-4535

RUNNING AWAY

National Runaway Switchboard
(800) 231-6946

National Hotline for Missing & Exploited Children
(800) 843-5678

Child Find of America
(800) 426-5678

SUBSTANCE ABUSE

Poison Control
(800) 222-1222

National Institute on Drug Abuse Hotline
(800) 662-4357

Cocaine Anonymous
(800) 347-8998

National Help Line for Substance Abuse
(800) 262-2463

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Mad As Hell


Conversations on the Fringe vehemently opposes bullying of any kind.  When what we say and do to another person causes so much pain and suffering that the only option they can come up with is to end their own life, that is a travesty!  We mourn the loss of Billy Lucas 15, Asher Brown 13, Seth Walsh 13, Tyler Clementi 19, Raymond Chase 18.   All took their life for fear of being ridiculed, bullied, or marginalized.  This cannot be tolerated and CotF will stand with the other voices denouncing these AVOIDABLE deaths.

Please watch the following videos and share them with your friends.

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The Trinity Of Depression


Beck (1963, 1964) noted the way depressed patients interpreted their current life experiences.  The depressed person tended to distort their experiences; they misinterpreted specific, irrelevant events in terms of personal failure, deprivation, or rejection; they tended to greatly exaggerate or overgeneralize any event that bore any semblance of negative information about themselves; they also tended to obsess over making indiscriminate, negative predictions of the future.  It is important to note that the depressed person’s cognitions reflect a systematic bias against oneself.  Because of this overemphasis of negative data to the relative exclusion of positive data, the label “cognitive distortion” is most appropriate when describing the thinking of depressed persons.

When an individual suffers from cognitive distortions they develop other idiosyncratic negative thematic content not observed in those of nondepressed persons.  This is referred to as the Triad of Depression.

A negative view of self.  The depressed individual shows a marked tendency to view himself/herself as deficient, inadequate, unworthy, and to attribute their unpleasant experiences to a physical, mental, or moral defect in himself/herself.  Furthermore, they regard themselves as undesirable and worthless because of their presumed defects and tends to reject himself/herself (and to believe others will reject him/her) because of it.

A negative view of the world. His/Her interactions with the environment are interpreted as representing defeat, deprivation, or disparagement.  He/She views the world as making exorbitant demands on him/her and presenting obstacles which interfere with the achievement of his/her life goals.

A negative view of the future. The future is seen from a negative perspective and revolves around a series of negative expectations.  The depressed person anticipates that his/her current problems and experiences will continue indefinitely and that he/she will increasingly burden significant others in his/her life.

I can name countless students who present in our ministries like this every day.  What are we doing, teaching, and modeling that would challenge the negative views of themselves, their world, or their future?  The triad exists when there is no hope.  Are we telling a story that communicates that there is hope for our personal redemption (through Christ), reconciliation in our relationship (with the Father), and a guiding, sustaining presence when times get dark (by the Spirit)?

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Guidelines For Frontline Responders


If you have worked with youth for any period of time you have encountered a student who discloses, for the first time, that they are the victim of abuse, that they engage in some form of at-risk behaviors, are contemplating suicide, or a myriad of other statements/behaviors that require acute attention.  But often in our ministry training we are not taught how to respond to crisis as it is revealed to us.  The following are guidelines for Frontline workers; people like you and I who are faced with students in crisis.

 

Be Understanding 

  • Many of the problems kids have are complex and multidetermined and the emergence of these behaviors and their subsequent maintainance have typically been reinforced by biological, psychological, and social factors over the course of years.  We must be quick to listen.  Do not respond from a reactive place of shock, fear, or revulsion.  This will drive the student away or compile more shame on their already fragile spirit.

 

Know Your Role 

  • Most maladaptive behaviors are external symptoms of deeper problems and often these deeper problems are not issues we are trained to handle.  We MUST know our limitations.  Too often we trespass into areas that we are not equipped to handle ourselves, let alone lead someone else through.
  • Be an educator.  Though we are not experts in treating certain problems we can learn about them.  Educate students, parents, volunteers, and staff on signs and symptoms of specific problems. (i.e, long-sleeve shirts in inclimate weather is a sign that student may be hiding scars from self-injury).
  • Linking systems and coordinating care.  Connecting your student and their family to needed services such as social service agencies, food pantries, domestic violence shelters, healthcare, etc.
  • Serving as a conduit to treatment.  If the problems are severe then counseling is likely necessary.  You coordinating that connection and providing ongoing support or even being involved in the counseling as a support relationship is essential in the healing process.  This may be the most important thing you do for your student.
  • Primacy of relationship.  Your presence will say more about your love for the student than anything you do.
  • Prayer goes without saying but don’t under estimate the power of prayer.  We are told that wherever two or more are gathered in the name of Christ, He is present.  Pray!  Pray regularly.  Pray with fever and faith.  Teach your student and their family, if they don’t know how, to pray as well.

 

Sit In The Front Car

  • There’s no denying you’re getting on a rollercoaster.  You might as well strap into the front car. You will traverse high highs and low lows.  Be prepared for paradoxical behavior and irrational thinking.  Remain in the present with your student.  You will learn to do a balancing act between acceptance vs. change (accepting the student where they are at but trying to move them forward), unwavering centeredness vs. passionate flexibility (remaining calm in the middle of chaos), and nurturing vs. benevolent demanding (providing support, sensitivity, and compassion while setting and maintaining boundaries).

*We’ll explore that last paragraph in a different post at a later time.

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Personal Inventory (youth pastor life skills series pt.3)


It’s important that we stop from time to time and take a sober look at the that of our life and ministry.  Scripture says to be “sober minded” and that requires a regular honest evaluation of or current state of affairs.  The following is not an exhaustive list but will give you a good idea, if you’re honest, as to whether or not there’s strategic balance in place.  This is essential for avoiding burnout, compassion fatigue, or avoiding a train wreck.  Take a few moments to ask yourself these questions but first ask God to reveal to us our blind spots…

O God,
by your Spirit tell us what we need to hear,
and show us what we ought to do,
to obey Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

Anger

How do you feel about the way you handle anger?

How do you feel when anger is directed at you?

What strategies or behaviors help you cope with anger?

Codependence

How do you understand the concept of codependence?

With whom do you have a codependent relationship?

How do these relationships affect your ministry?

What strategies will you use to avoid codependence in the future?

Commitment

What people or things have you been committed to in the past?

What are you committed to now?

How important is the commitment of family and friends to your life and ministry?

How will you support these commitments while serving in ministry?

Depression

How do you recognize that you’re depressed?

How do you respond when you recognize you are depressed?

What strategies or behaviors help you avoid becoming depressed?

What strategies or behaviors help you get over being depressed?

Emotions

How do you cope with dangerous emotions, such as loneliness, anger, and feelings of deprivation?

What strategies and techniques help you maintain an emotional balance?

Fear

When you entered ministry, what aspects of it were you afraid of?

Have your fears about ministry changed since you entered?

What has helped you move past your fear?

Friendship

Before you entered ministry, what were your friendships based on?

Now, what qualities do you look for in a friend?

Are they based on how they can support your ministry goals? Is this good or bad?

What plans do you have for making new, supportive friends and maintaining current friendships?

Fun

How have your fun and relaxing activities changed since you’ve been in ministry?

What do you do now to have fun and relax?

With whom do you have fun?

What role does having fun play in staying balanced in your ministry?

How will you incorporate new activities and hobbies into your life?

Grief

What experience have you had with grief?

How do you cope with feelings of grief now?

To whom do you turn when you experience grief?

Happiness

Since you’ve been in ministry, when have you been the most happy?

What made you happy?

Isolation

Are free time and being alone difficult for you?

Do you have a sense of feeling isolated since entering ministry?

In what ways is your drive to connect with kids driven by a fear of loneliness?

What activities can you pursue, outside of ministry, which will help you avoid isolation?

Motivation

Has your motivation for impacting young people changed since you’ve been in ministry?

What has been your biggest challenge so far?

Do you have a support network to help you through the hard times?

As you move forward in your ministry, what are the most important aspects for you to focus on?

Overwhelmed

What contributes to you feeling overwhelmed?

How risk does feeling overwhelmed pose to your ministry?

What can you do to ensure that you do not feel overwhelmed?

These would be great questions to talk over with your staff/team/volunteers.  We don’t pay enough attention to the well being of those we depend on to make our ministries successful.  Spend some time asking others these questions and in essence you’ll be saying, “I care about you and your well being.”

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Heading over to the 2nd annual Abbey’s


Heading over to the 2nd annual Abbey’s Walk @ the Pekin lagoon @ 9am to raise awareness for substance abuse/recovery…Join us if you can!

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Suicide Grief: Living in the Aftermath of a Suicide


A student’s suicide can be emotionally devastating. Using and modeling healthy coping strategies — such as seeking support — will help you and others on the journey to healing and acceptance.

When a student dies, your grief may be heart-wrenching. When a student commits suicide, your reaction may be more complicated. Overwhelming emotions may leave you reeling — and you may be consumed by guilt, wondering if you could have done something to prevent this young person’s death. As you face life after a student’s suicide, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone.

Brace for powerful emotions

Suicide can trigger intense emotions. For example:

  • Shock. Disbelief and emotional numbness may set in. You may think that student’s suicide couldn’t possibly be real.
  • Anger. You may be angry with your student for abandoning their family, ministry, and friends or for leaving a legacy of grief — or angry with yourself or others for missing clues about suicidal intentions.
  • Guilt. You may replay “what if” and “if only” scenarios in your mind, blaming yourself for your student’s death.
  • Despair. You may be gripped by sadness, depression and a sense of defeat or hopelessness. You may have a physical collapse or even consider suicide yourself.

You may continue to experience intense reactions during the weeks and months after a student’s suicide — including nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, social withdrawal and loss of interest in usual activities — especially if you were the last person they called or you witnessed or discovered the suicide.

Adopt healthy coping strategies

The aftermath of a student’s suicide can be physically and emotionally exhausting. As you work through your grief and help others with theirs, be careful to protect your own well-being.

  • Keep in touch. Reach out to family, friends and spiritual leaders for comfort, understanding and healing. Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen when you need to talk, as well as those who will simply offer a shoulder to lean on when you’d rather be silent.
  • Grieve in your own way. Do what’s right for you, not necessarily someone else. If you find it too painful to visit your student’s gravesite or share the details of their death, wait until you’re ready.  It is not healthy to be “Superman” or “Superwoman”.
  • Be prepared for painful reminders. Anniversaries, holidays and other special occasions can be painful reminders of a student’s suicide. Don’t chide yourself for being sad or mournful. Instead, consider changing or suspending ministry meetings that are too painful to continue.
  • Don’t rush yourself. Losing someone to suicide is a tremendous blow, and healing must occur at its own pace. Don’t be hurried by anyone else’s expectations that it’s been “long enough.”
  • Expect setbacks. Some days will be better than others, even years after the suicide — and that’s OK. Healing doesn’t often happen in a straight line.
  • Consider a support group for families/friends affected by suicide. Sharing your story with others who are experiencing the same type of grief may help you find a sense of purpose or strength.

Suicide grief: Healing after a student’s suicide

Know when to seek professional help

If you experience intense or unrelenting anguish or physical problems, consider asking your doctor or mental health provider for help. Seeking professional help is especially important if you think you might be depressed or you have recurring thoughts of suicide. Keep in mind that unresolved grief can turn into complicated grief, where painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble resuming your own life.

Depending on the circumstances, you might benefit from individual or family therapy — either to get you through the worst of the crisis or to help you adjust to life after the suicide. Medication can be helpful in some cases, too.

Face the future with a sense of peace

In the aftermath of a student’s suicide, you may feel like you can’t continue in ministry or that you’ll never enjoy life again. In truth, you may always wonder why it happened — and reminders may trigger painful feelings even years later. Eventually, however, the raw intensity of your grief will fade. The tragedy of the suicide won’t dominate your days and nights. Understanding the complicated legacy of suicide and God, through the Holy Spirit, will guide us through the palpable grief will help you find peace and healing, without forgetting you’re your student.

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