conversations on the fringe

When working with kids, parents, volunteers, other staff most of our problems begin with a breakdown in communication.  Dr. Alan Godwin, a practicing psychologist certified in Alternative Dispute Resolution, writes in his book, “How to Solve Your People Problems” that when in conflict there are typically four types of problems we encounter and knowing which one we are dealing with is half the battle.

He says, “Pay attention the next time you’re in an argument or hear an argument.  You’ll probably notice at least four types of conflict problems:

• Preference Problems.  These problems result from actual differences.  One person prefers to do it one way, and the other person prefers to do it another way.  The differences of opinion may be significant or trivial.
• Perception Problems.  These problems result from perceived differences.  One person inaccurately attributes meaning to the words or actions of the other person.
• Process Problems.  These problems result from falling into the trap of bad conflict, such as buttons getting pushed, reactions taking over, and pushing the other’s buttons.  For instance, in the middle of a conversation, one person pushes the other person’s button by being sarcastic.  Suddenly the argument now involves two topics – the original issue plus a new one, the person’s sarcasm.
• Pressure Problems.  These are circumstances that make solving conflict problems more difficult.  Pressures from outside the relationship drain the time and energy needed to solve problems inside the relationship.  For instance, some couples are so pressured by limited time that they never sit down and work things through.  Other examples of pressure problems include financial difficulties, health problems, fatigue, and lack of privacy.

We solve perception problems by clearing up misperceptions.  We solve process problems by restricting our buttons, responding rather than reacting, and refraining from pushing buttons.  We solve pressure problems by acknowledging their effects and making the necessary adjustments.  Preference problems are solved by answering five questions.”

1. Which problem am I trying to fix?
2. Why do I feel so strongly?
3. How can we agree to fix this?
4. What will we do to implement it?
5. When will we evaluate it?

This has been a great framework for personal and professional use for addressing conflict.  Experts tell us that conflict is healthy and should be expected but rarely has a prescription for dealing with it been so concisely.

Reload 2011 from North Park University on Vimeo.

Reload Chicago is an exciting learning opportunity for urban youth workers.  This is an affordable, one day training event.  Reload will be hosted on the beautiful campus of North Park University.  We’ll be leading a workshop on how to minister to youth who have experienced abuse.  We’re hoping to see you there…

If the student was a follower/supporter of the bully:

1. Intervene Immediately
2. Provide a system of graceful accountability while allowing natural consequences to occur
3. Create opportunities to “do good”
4. Nurture empathy
5. Teach friendship skills – assertive, respectful, and peaceful ways to relate to others
6. Monitor/Criticize/Converse about TV shows, movies, music, and video games that reinforce violence against others
7. Engage in more constructive, entertaining, and energizing activities

If your student hurts others through gossip have them:

1. Apologize to the student who was hurts by the rumor
2. Go to everyone they told it to and have them tell them it wasn’t true
3. Ask them to stop spreading it
4. To the best of their ability, repair any damage done to the target by the act of spreading the rumor
5. Take the next step of building a new and healthier relationship

Three principles that foster moral independence:

1. Teach your students that he/she and only he/she is responsible for the consequences of his/her own action (kids who accept responsibility for their own actions are more likely to live up to their own moral code)
2. Build your student’s confidence in his or her ability to make good decisions (kids who have confidence in their own judgments are not easily manipulated by others)
3. Teach your students how to test reasons/motivations on his or her own (kids who have confidence in their own ability to reason are more questioning and more resistant to passive acceptance of others)

Four Reasons for not intervening:

1.  The bystander is afraid of getting hurt himself.  The bully is bigger and stronger and has a reputation that justifies the fears; so jumping into the melee doesn’t appear to be a smart thing to do.

2.  The bystander is afraid of becoming a new target of the bully.  Even if the bystander is able to intervene successfully, there is a chance she will be singled out at a later date for retribution.  Bullies are quick to disparage and malign anyone who tries to intervene.

3.  The bystander is afraid of doing something that will only make the situation worse.

4.  The bystander does not know what to do.  He hasn’t been taught ways to intervene, to report the bullying, or to help the target.  Just as bullying is a learned behavior, so must young people be taught ways to stop it.

Excuses for not Intervening:

1. The bully is my friend
2. It’s not my problem!  This is not my fight!
3. She’s not my friend
4. He’s a loser anyway
5. He deserved to be bullied, asked or it, had it coming
6. Bullying will toughen him up
7. Kids have a deeply embedded code of silence
8. It’s better to be in the in-group than to defend the outcasts
9. It’s too big a pain

Everyone plays a role in the bullying cycle.  Educating the “players” is an important first step in ending the gripping power of bullying.  We often focus, to the exclusion of the others, on just the bully or victim.  Educating and empowering the other participants, regardless of how passive their roles may be, is a crucial step towards addressing the issue of bullying.

The following is a list of warning signs that a student may be getting bullied.  Please make a copy, edit it, be creative, add artwork or whatever, but place it publicly where your students can see it.  Consider making a copy and editing it for your parent’s newsletter/email.

• Shows an abrupt lack of interest in school or a refusal to go to school.  (According to a National Association of School Psychologists report, 160,000 children in the United States miss school every day for fear of being bullied.)

• Takes an unusual route to school.  (Going north and three blocks east to get to a school that is south of your home makes a lot of sense if going directly south will put you in the path of bullies.)

• Suffer a drop in grades.  (It’s hard to concentrate on school work when you are trying to figure out how to avoid the bullies.)

• Withdraws from family and school activities, wanting to be left alone.  (When you feel isolated, shamed, scared, and humiliated, you just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone – or lock yourself in your room and cry.)

• Is hungry after school, saying he lost his lunch money or wasn’t hungry at school.  (The bully takes great pleasure in extorting lunch money.  The lunchroom ranks third behind the playground and hallways in the order of places where bullies attack their targets, so it’s a good place to avoid, even if you do have lunch money.)

• Is taking parents’ money and making lame excuses for where it went.  (Once again the bully separates you from your money.  The threat of retaliation can convince you that stealing from your mom’s purse or your dad’s wallet poses a lesser risk to body and mind than not showing up with the money for the bully.)

• Makes a beeline to the bathroom when she gets home.  (Since bathrooms are number four on the list of places bullies like to attack, you figure it’s best to “hold it,” even at the risk of a bladder infection.  A bladder infection can’t possibly hurt as much as having your head dunked in a swirling toilet or seeing your reputation attacked via insulting graffiti on the mirrors over the sinks.)

• Is sad, sullen, angry, or scared after receiving a phone call, text, email, or IM, etc.  (You don’t know how to tell your parents that the girls on the other end of the line called you ugly names and then all laughed at you before hanging up.  You are ashamed to talk about the obscene lies the boy in your English class write about you and sent to all 500 friends on MySpace or Facebook.  Even your cell phone isn’t safe anymore.  If they can reach you in your own home then how can anyone help you?)

• Does something out of character.  (You would rather get caught skipping school than caught in the school yard or on the wrong block by a bunch of bullies who circle around you every day and “pretend” to be playing.  You would be willing to pull your pants down at recess if it meant those girls would promise to quit taunting you and let you into their social cluster.)

• Uses derogatory or demeaning language when talking about peers.  (If you’re being called ugly names, poked, shoved, shunned, and laughed at, you won’t have any terms of endearment for the kids who started the bullying or for those who joined or looked the other way.)

• Stops talking about and everyday activities.  (If you’re being bullied, you have no everyday activities that are not colored in pain, frustration, fear, and terror.)

• Has disheveled, torn, or missing clothing.  (You don’t like to resolve conflict by duking it out, and it wasn’t a one-on-one fight by equals.  But saying you got into a fight sounds better than saying you got beaten up.  Besides, last time you told your dad about the bullying, he told you to fight back.  Or you surrender your favorite jacket rather than risk an attack, but saying that you “accidentally” left it in the locker room will go over better at home than admitting how you really lost it.)

• Has physical injuries not consistent with explanation.  (Saying that you walked into a locker sure sounds better than admitting you were shoved into one.  Saying you sprained your ankle running to class beats revealing that those girls tripped you in the middle of the bus aisle, then laughed at you as you limped back to your seat.  “I don’t know how I got that back eye; I must have fallen out of bed,” rings less painfully that recalling how you were held down and kicked in the face on the way to school.)

• Has stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks, is unable to sleep, sleeps too much, is exhausted.  (Bullies can be real pains in the brain and in the body.  The body responds to the stress of being targeted by turning on its chemical defense system so you can fight or flee.  But with daily attacks, this system can never shut down.  Adrenaline keeps getting released.  The body stays on hyper-alert, churning up the stomach, twitching the limbs, and numbing the brain.  Constantly resisting and fearing the bully taxes the mental and physical defenses.  Eventually the system breaks down and the mind and body collapse into a state of exhaustion.)