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Rookie Mistakes (Pressuring Students to Change)


NEW SERIES:  I am going pull the curtain back on my failures over the years in youth ministry in an attempt to serve as a warning to those just entering the field.  I have made my fair share of mistakes for all of us and wisdom often comes from reflecting on those mistakes.  So, here we go with blog post one of Rookie Mistakes: Pressuring Students to Change.

If someone besides a teenager wants them to change (e.g., stop a particular sin, get a job, hang out with different friends, read their bible more, etc.) that idea immediately becomes contaminated and runs the risk of getting rejected – even if it is desperately desired by the teenager himself/herself.  Now there are always exceptions of completely compliant teens but if that’s the case you likely have very little to change.  This one reason is why it’s rarely productive for adults, parents, youth workers, or anyone else to need changes to happen more than the teenager himself/herself.  We may want it desperately, but once we try to get the teenager to make a different move because we desire it, we run the risk of making the prospect of change vastly less appealing to the teen.  Some of us are tempted to simplify this into “oppositionalism”, but it’s really something different, more connected to issues of a budding desire for autonomy and propriety than to a frank need to play opposites for their own sake.

Is it ever productive to invite a young person like these to examine why they so defensively view their parents’ concerns as an offensive commandment to change – e.g., “Why do you think it’s so hard for you to do something just because others would like you to do it too?”, “Why don’t you just do it and be obedient to your _________ like the bible says?”  That kind of questioning will likely be met with resistance or a simple, “I dunno.”  It may be more profitable to get kids interested in their own “change style” before being asked to do anything with it.  This allows them to converse about it without feeling as if they are soon going to be told they must get rid of it.  What would we do if we thought that talking about a subject meant that we were going to be asked to take action on it based on someone else’s preference?  We be careful about what we talked about, wouldn’t we?  So is the teen who feels we have an agenda for them.  That’s what teenagers in our ministries do when they feel that bringing up a subject (i.e., cutting, sex, doubt, etc.) will mean the adults will ask them to make an immediate change, minimizing the complexity of their situation with an over-simplistic directive.

With pressure-free conversation in the works, however, opportunities appear for the adult volunteer, parent, or youth worker to address the “advantages” and “disadvantages” of the students style with him/her without sounding as if the conversation was a bait-and-switch tactic.  “Are you sure this works for you this way?” is one such example.  This time, when the student looks down and responds softly with “I don’t know”, he/she has not closed off the discussion but instead extended a quiet and beautiful invitation for us to help.

Some kids will only change when the change is mandated by an adult, but even then, in an attempt to maintain a sense of autonomy they may still support the behavior even if unable to participate in it. (smoking pot, staying past curfew, etc.).  We will serve our kids and their faith if we can teach them how to think rather than just telling them what to do.  I was almost always surprised that when I allowed room and time for a kid to make a decision they usually made the right one more often than not.

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Guiding Your Students Through A Traumatic Event


As a youthworker you may be struggling with how to talk with your students about a shooting rampage. It may be difficult to talk to your students about the devastation of an F4 tornado that wipes out a small town. It is important to remember that children look to the adults in their life to make them feel safe. This is true no matter what age the children are, be they toddlers, adolescents, or even young adults.

Consider the following tips for helping your students manage their distress.

Talk with your students. Talking to your students about their worries and concerns is the first step to help them feel safe and begin to cope with the events occurring around them. What you talk about and how you say it does depend on their age, but all students need to be able to know you are there listening to them.

  • Find times when they are most likely to talk: such as when riding in the car, while dinner, with peers, or at coffee shop.
  • Start the conversation; let them know you are interested in them and how they are coping with the information they are getting.
  • Listen to their thoughts and point of view; don’t interrupt–allow them to express their ideas and understanding before you respond.
  • Express your own opinions and ideas without putting down theirs; acknowledge that it is okay to disagree.
  • Remind them you are there for them to provide safety, comfort and support. Give them a hug.

Keep your ministry settings a safe place. Youth, regardless of age, often find home to be a safe haven when the world around them becomes overwhelming. But sometimes home is the environment in which the crisis lives. During times of crisis, it is important to remember that your students may come to youth group seeking the safe feeling they denied at home. Help make it a place where your students find the solitude or comfort they need.

Watch for signs of stress, fear or anxiety. After a traumatic event, it is typical for teens (and adults) to experience a wide range of emotions, including fearfulness, shock, anger, grief and anxiety. Your student’s behaviors may change because of their response to the event. They may experience trouble sleeping, difficulty with concentrating on school work, or changes in appetite. This is normal for everyone and should begin to disappear in a few months. Encourage your students and their parents to create space where they can convert feelings into words by talking about them or journaling. Some youth may find it helpful to express their feelings through art. Make concession for artistic expression during your gatherings. Many student lack a broad emotional vocabulary to accurately reflect what’s going on inside their head.

Take “news breaks”. Your students may want to keep informed by gathering information about the event from the internet, television, or newspapers. It is important to limit the amount of time spent watching the news because constant exposure may actually heighten their anxiety and fears. Also, scheduling some breaks for yourself is important; allow yourself time to engage in activities you enjoy.

Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your students and their families. Be a model for others on how to manage traumatic events. Keep regular schedules for activities such as family meals and exercise to help restore a sense of security and normalcy.

These tips and strategies can help you guide you’re your students and their families through the current crisis. If you are feeling stuck or overwhelmed, you may want to consider talking to someone who could help. A licensed mental health professional or counselor can assist you in developing an appropriate strategy for moving forward. It is important to get professional help if you feel like you are unable to function or perform basic activities of daily living.

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Return from Hiatus


After taking some time off from blogging we’re getting back into the game.  Look for new posts coming soon.

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2011 in review


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 13,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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KidMin Conference 2011


 

We’re taking a brief hiatus while we’re in Chicago for the first annual KidMin Conference, hosted by Group Publishing.  We’ll be joining Patti Gibbons and a few others to provide Simply Soul Care for KidMin staff and volunteers. 

Please join us this week in supporting those who serve our kids in their faith development.  What you do is extremely important. 

So, if you haven’t heard it recently…THANK YOU!  We couldn’t do this without you!

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Each Student is a Culture (art of connecting pt. 4)


The age of one-size-fits-all youth ministry is over.  It has to be.  We live in a dynamic time filled with diversity.  This is an exciting time to be in ministry to youth.  Our world is smaller than ever before.  Cultures are not only clashing but blending to create new expressions of culture.  In this new era of modern life(culture) context is king.

Think about your average youth group gathering.  Think about the different elements that are present in your group:

  • Countries of origin
  • Race and ethnicity
  • Religious background
  • Parenting styles that shaped them
  • Generational influences
  • Abilities and disabilities
  • Personality
  • Sexual orientation
  • Political leanings
  • Thinking styles
  • Values and beliefs
  • Style and tastes

Historically we would rush in with an attempt to connect with kids on our terms with our own personal culture leading the way (just a heads up, I’m pretty sure nobody listens to Petra anymore so don’t lead with that).  In other words, just like early missionaries did, we would try to strip them of their own culture and colonize them to be, think, look, and act just like us.  It’s no wonder they have gone underground.

Cultural Artifacts:

Instant digital music, iPods, YouTube videos, Facebook, etc.

What other cultural artifacts can you think of, as it relates to contemporary youth?

Values and Assumptions:

Individualism, consumerism, instant gratification, collaborations, cause-driven, tolerance, etc.

What other values and assumptions can you identify that are held by youth today?

Where did these values and assumptions come from?

Individual Personalities:

Jocks, emo, nerds, Queen Bee, bully, outgoing, shy, obnoxious, flirty, school spirit, etc.

What is the current dominant personality being presented by each individual student?

Is there a connection between the personality and behaviors? 

Often, all we see are the cultural artifacts and we base our own assumptions on these.

David Livermore, in his book Cultural Intelligence, says:

“When measuring your Cultural Intelligence, a few questions to ask yourself include:

  • Am I conscious of what I need to know about a culture that is unfamiliar to me?
  • Am I conscious of how my cultural background shapes the way I read the Bible?
  • Do I determine what I need to know about a culture before I interact with people from that culture?
  • Do I compare my previous ideas about a culture with what I actually experience during cross-cultural interactions?
  • Do I check for appropriate ways to talk about my faith in cross-cultural situations?”

Is it fair to expect that we should be intentionally asking ourselves these questions as it relates to working with youth today?  Can you image the amazing discussions you can have with your volunteers as you wrestle with these kinds of questions?

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Expectations of our Youth (art of connecting pt. 3)


In an experiment, piranha were placed in a large tank separated from their food by a see through glass divider.  After several days of ramming their heads against the glass divider the piranha learned that it was a futile effort to try and get the food.

The glass divider was then removed yet they starved to death while swimming freely in a place where there was food available.  The piranha had learned that their efforts were useless and came to believe that their situation would never change so they just accepted the “reality” of their experience.

Youth are especially susceptible to limiting beliefs about themselves.  When we make assumptions about students based on externals (i.e., clothing, music, language, behaviors, etc.) we often reinforce those limiting beliefs that they hold or are told about themselves.

Think for a moment how this might impact how you approach a new student.  Think about your personal values and biases and how they impact the initial encounters with students you are trying to connect with.

Here are two scenarios illustrating this very idea:

1.  John – He shows up to your youth group on Sunday night with some of the other popular kids from your church.  He is wearing a football jersey and is relatively good looking.  He appears to be very outgoing and has an air of confidence about him.  You instantly like him and are drawn to him.  In your mind you envision him being a primary influencer of other students and hope to get him on board with being a peer leader.  You can see that potential within the first few minutes of meeting him.

2.  Sarah – She shows up wearing dark eyeliner, dark clothes, and her hair is dyed with blond, pink and black highlights.  He black cargo pants are too big and have babypins up and down on leg.  She wears lots of bracelets on her wrists and her shirt is a concert tee from the band Rise Against.  She moves slowly and doesn’t talk to a lot of other students.  She has writing on her hands and arms as well.  You assume she comes from a home where her parents don’t pay much attention to her (because who would let their kid leave the house looking like this, right?).  She’s probably a cutter, which means she’s probably been abused or at the very least is depressed.  This kid really needs Jesus and you will do your best to introduce her to the one that will make it all better.

These are pretty typical students to show up at youth group.  And our biases and values play an unwitting role in determining how we will interact with each of them.  Here’s what you don’t know:

1.  John – He sells prescription drugs he gets from doctors from an old football injury.  He sells his Vicodin to his friends so they can amplify their buzz while drinking.  He also steals the Vicodin from his mother’s purse when she’s asleep to buy alcohol with.  She sleeps so much because she has to work two jobs because John’s dad was recently layed-off and has been drinking to manage his depression.  His motive for coming to your youth group was to find new customers to sell his product to.  Nobody suspects him because he looks like the “All-American Boy” and is an athletic hero for your small community.

2.  Sarah – She has an intact family that is supportive and allows her to be expressive of her identity.  She is artistic and writes poetry, draws, and plays the piano.  He heart breaks for her friends and she wants nothing more than to see them come to youth group and find and follow Christ.  She has a prayer journal bigger than your bible and most of her prayers are for her hurting friends.  She volunteers at the Special Olympics because her younger brother has Downs Syndrome and she is passionate about helping others.  She sometimes feels alone but is usually emotionally secure.  People tend to avoid her because of how she looks and dresses.

Back to the piranha, when we respond to students, based on our perceptions, biases, values, and expectations there is the possibility that we will play a role in limiting who they were created to be.  If the case of John, people can unintentionally reinforce his sinful behavior by acting only on their assumptions that his is the “All-American Kid” and worthy of our praise.  The result is that John learns that all the bad stuff he is doing is ok so long as he continues to play the roles we want him to play.

In the case of misunderstood Sarah, it won’t be long before she submits to the preconceived ideas and expectations that other hold her to.  It’s hard for a solitary teenager to stand up underneath that kind of force, regardless of how supportive her family is.  Her joy and confidence will leak over time.

As we approach students in an effort to connect let’s check our biases and expectations at the door and just allow the students to be who they are, the good, the bad, and the ugly, because that is honest.  It is authentic.  It is transparent and it’s a great place to start.

  • What kinds of kids do you most naturally connect with?
  • What kinds of kids do you struggle to connect with?
  • What role, if any, do your personal biases play in how you interact with both kinds of students?
  • What would help you remain objective when first meeting a student?
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Cultivating a Spirit of Learning (art of connecting pt. 2)


Immaculate was a foreign exchange student from Kampala, Uganda.  She was new to our country and culture.  When asked about how she felt when people noticed she was different she responded:

“It’s okay to ask.  People sometimes notice something special about me – my accent, the way I look – and that’s okay.  It’s just normal.  When they ask, they can learn from the things that are different.  If they don’t ask about it, I worry that they don’t like me.”

Kids can smell feigned interest like a fart in a car.  They sense genuiness like a sixth sense.  They know if you are truely interested in them and seem to be able to tell if you have an alterior motive for paying attention to them.  (we’ll address motives in a later blog)

Historically, many of the kids in our youth groups have felt like projects.  Projects that we were trying to fix.  We’ve long suspected this was the case but our focus groups support this theory.  One of the many reasons kids are dropping out during and afer high school is beause they don’t feel like the adults (or peer leaders) accepted them for who they really are just what they can do for them (bolster our attendance, serve on a project, increase our outreach efforts, etc.).  They often express feeling like they were a means to an end, like any information they gathered about a student was just to be used later to make them do something, even something determined “good”.

Youth workers are a curious lot to begin with but when we become curious about the students we interact with it communicates many things to them.  When we show interest, real interest, we are saying to them that they are interesting, important, valuable, worth my time, that they belong, that they matter and are wanted, that we are interested in their uniqueness, and that this is a safe place/space to be their true self as they explore the challenges of adolescence.

  • Have you ever had a conversation with a student that served no other purpose but to just know the kids better?
  • Do you know about your kid’s deepest longings, dream, hopes, fear, insecurities?
  • How can you move beyond questions like, “What’s your favorite video game?” to “Where in your life do you sense God moving in your life?
  • How do you cultivate a spirit of curiosity in your life, your volunteers, parents, and student leaders?

Curiosity is inherently friendly.  Because our attention is outwardly focused, curiosity sets us up to be successful in connecting with students and moving towards real authentic community.

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Thoughts on Peacemaking by Henri Nouwen


“We cannot love issues, but we can love people, and the love of people reveals to us the way to deal with issues.”

“When peacemaking is based on fear it is not much different that warmaking.”

“Only those who deeply know that they are loved and rejoice in that love can be true peacemakers.”

“Prayer – living in the presence of God – is the most radical peace action we can imagine.  Prayer is peacemaking and not simply the preparation before, the support during, and the thanksgiving after.”

“Prayer is not primarily a way to get something done.  In prayer we undo the fear of death and therefore the basis of all human destruction.”

Peacework (unpublished)

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