conversations on the fringe

I am one of the healthiest people I know! It’s not because I live a healthy lifestyle, per say… but I was just blessed with an amazing immune system. I can’t remember ever having the flu… and even when I come down with a cold, I may be out of commission for 24 hours, and I’m done.

However, in 2010, I became a complete mess physically. Canker sores and cold sores decided to take turns making an appearance for 4 months straight. My left eye would twitch for hours at least once a week. I developed gallstones which resulted in the removal of my gallbladder. I had insomnia for 3 months: I would survive on 2-3 hours of sleep a night, and then I would crash for 12 hours on my days off. It’s obvious that this is sure sign of unhealthy life, most likely related to stress. However, I couldn’t see how bad of shape I was in. I kept thinking it’ll just get better. It took some serious intervention from my friends to realize how horrible I had looked and felt.

I rarely look or feel stressed… but when I’m not doing well, it usually manifests itself in physical illness. As a workaholic (I actually enjoy work most of the time), I failed to see how burnt out I was. In addition, my soul was hurting and tired, but I failed to see how much I needed rest and care because I was too busy caring for others in ministry. I was also in a very toxic work environment, but I refused to see how much it was affecting me… because I kept telling myself to suck it up and plow through. Things had to get worse before I was able to see that I needed to make some serious changes in my life.

After suffering from an ongoing physical ailment, I had two friends that intervened and spoke truth into my life. They told me that I needed to resign from my position at my church before it literally kills me. They called, emailed, and texted me every few days to make sure I was okay and to keep me accountable. They kept telling me that the relationships and the love I have for the kids and families in my ministry would continue beyond my position in the church… and they kept telling me that I wasn’t going to be effective in my ministry if I continue down this road. It took me several months to actually hear them. Things did get worse, and I finally turned in my resignation after a whole year of suffering through my ailments.

So what have I learned? I am not invincible! I can’t save everything and everyone. I need to know my limitations. I need to ask for help. And I need to be willing to leave toxic environment for my own health. As someone in ministry, it’s easy to become a martyr… but when I look back, I don’t know that my presence was effective because I was in such a bad shape. I learned that it’s not my ministry, my people… but God’s ministry and God’s people. He takes care of His people, and it’s not up to me to make sure they’re well at the expense of my own health. I still keep in touch with families from that ministry, and we can all agree that I stayed in that ministry a year too long.

It literally took 12 months for me to rest, renew, and restore both physically and mentally. Emotionally, I’m still working on forgiving few individuals… and I’ve asked for forgiveness from few as well. Today, I make sure I take “Gloria Days” at least twice a month. “Gloria Days” are when I unplug, go to the beach and enjoy God’s beauty, or spend time with life-giving friends and family. I pay close attention to my body. I am also learning to be more vulnerable and to ask for help when I’m overwhelmed or tired. At the risk of sounding Oprah-ish, if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be as effective in your ministry (or relationship) to others in your life.

Take Care of Yourself!

Gloria S. Lee – Graduate of UC Berkeley and Talbot School of Theology, Gloria has been in vocational ministry to children, students, and families for over 20 years. She loves equipping leaders and parents to help kids love and follow Jesus. She is a contributor to Children’s Ministry Magazine, International Sports Ministry curriculum, blogs, and few ministry books out there. Gloria loves anything Wonder Woman, the beach, trying out new restaurants, coffee, traveling, and just chilling at home with a good book or a show on Netflix. She’s currently on staff at Menlo Church in Northern California.

you can also connect with Gloria via: TWITTER BLOG FACEBOOK LINKEDIN

Do you know how hard it is to do nothing? It’s even harder to do nothing in silence alone. We’re bombarded by noise and a long list of things to do in our lives. I don’t think I’ve ever met any adults (and many teenagers) who said: “I have nothing to do because I’ve done everything on my to-do list.” Life is busy. Life is noisy.

When I read Richard Foster’s Celebration of Discipline, I remember thinking chapters on Silence and Solitude had to be the hardest practice. When I read Jen Hatmaker’s 7, I decided to commit 7 months to practice of fasting based on the book. I was doing pretty well in the first six months of fasting, then I hit the last month of pausing seven times a day for prayer and reflection, and I failed miserably. Silence and solitude do not come naturally to most of us. Even when I’m alone, I usually have music or tv on in the background as I’m reading or busying myself with something else. I love being alone. But I don’t like doing nothing.

Silence and Solitude are two of the spiritual disciplines that fosters spiritual growths in followers of Jesus. In Richard Foster’s Celebration of Discipline: The Path of Spiritual Growth, he writes:

“One reason we can hardly bear to remain silent is that it makes us feel so helpless. We are so accustomed to relying upon words to manage and control others. If we are silent, who will take control? God will take control, but we will never let him take control until we trust him. Silence is intimately related to trust.” 

I often thought the reason I sucked at silence and solitude was that I just didn’t like being productive. Sitting in silence and doing nothing felt like… well, NOTHING. No productivity. But I failed to realize that what I was doing was resisting the space to hear God’s voice. I would often say, “I’m not one of those people who hear God’s voice.” But perhaps its’ because I failed to create space to hear his voice. I was always too busy (which is not always a good thing anyhow).

A few years ago, I started practicing silence and solitude. I would go to a park, the beach, or somewhere I can just stare out into God’s creation (I needed to go where there was no bed, no technology, and even no food. But this space can be a special chair or a room with your cup of coffee.). I went with no agenda, but to just sit, stare, and do nothing. There was no need to put my thoughts into words. I just needed to go and be.

“One of the fundamental purposes of solitude is to give us a concrete way of entering into such stillness so that God can come in and do what only God can do.”

– Ruth Haley Barton

It took practice. The first time, the first 5 minutes felt like an eternity. But the more I practiced, I was able to sit and do nothing for an hour, and it didn’t feel miserable. In fact, it was so good for my soul. Even if I didn’t walk away having had profound “ah-ha” moment, it was so good to clear my mind, sit still, look at the waves in the ocean, and just be. As I learned to be still, I also learned to listen in silence. Of course, thoughts of what I was going to have for dinner that evening, or my to-do list would creep up here and there, but I also learned to let it go and move on.

I still struggle with carving out regular time for Silence and Solitude but putting this spiritual discipline has done more for my soul than anything else. If you’ve never tried it, give it a shot!

Resources

• Solitude & Silence on Soul Shepherding: http://www.soulshepherding.org/2005/08/solitude-and-silence/
• Spiritual Direction, Henri Nouwen
• Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster
• Sacred Rhythms, Ruth Haley Barton

Gloria S. Lee – Graduate of UC Berkeley and Talbot School of Theology, Gloria has been in vocational ministry to children, students, and families for over 20 years. She loves equipping leaders and parents to help kids love and follow Jesus. She is a contributor to Children’s Ministry Magazine, International Sports Ministry curriculum, blogs, and few ministry books out there. Gloria loves anything Wonder Woman, the beach, trying out new restaurants, coffee, traveling, and just chilling at home with a good book or a show on Netflix. She’s currently on staff at Menlo Church in Northern California.

you can also connect with Gloria via: TWITTER BLOG FACEBOOK LINKEDIN