Unconditional worth

The core self is like a crystal of great worth. Each facet represents a beautiful potential or attribute in embryo. Each person is complete in the sense that he or she has every attribute needed (such as seeds of love, integrity, intelligence, and talents). However, no one is completed or perfect, since no one has developed all attributes fully. Yet the worth of the core is infinite. People sometimes ask, “But how can I have worth if I have never accomplished or produced anything noteworthy?” And I ask them to think why parents might spend two million dollars seeking treatment for childhood cancer.

Some externals (e.g., respectful treatment, making wise decisions) shine up the core and help us enjoy its beauty more. Other externals (e.g., criticism, abuse, unkind behaviors) can cover or camouflage the core like a dirty film. The basic core is still there, however, unchanged in worth as a person.

The goals of strengthening this building block are:

1. Separate core worth from externals. Externals include performance, appearance, health/disease, condition of the body, wealth, race, social status, gender, education, how we are treated, and traumatic events that happened.
2. See clearly one’s inner strengths. The idea is not to see each strength as completely developed, but to appreciate that the capacities are there, in embryo, to think rationally, to feel, to sacrifice, to love, to make responsible choices, to recognize truth and worth, to beautify, to be gentle, patient, or firm. These capacities exist in each person, at different stages of developement, because we are made in the image of a God who is all these things and more.

With this understanding, one is freed to find satisfaction and joy, even in poverty or fading health. This understanding permits us to experience value and worth amidst out imperfections. It gives us the perspective that there is more to us that what happened to us or what we have done or not done.

Two Questions:

1. Do we, as youth workers, understand this about ourselves? Or, are we attaching our worth to the “success” of our ministry efforts?
2. Have we, as youth workers, cultivated relationships with students based on this understanding? Do we work to challenge the kind of thinking that supports that value is somehow attached to performance?

MYTH #1: It’s only abuse if it’s violent.

Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Neglect and emotional abuse can be just as damaging, and since they are more subtle, others are less likely to intervene. .

MYTH #2: Only bad people abuse their children.

Fact: While it’s easy to say that only “bad people” abuse their children, it’s not always so black and white. Not all abusers are intentionally harming their children. Many have been victims of abuse themselves, and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with mental health issues or a substance abuse problem.

MYTH #3: Child abuse doesn’t happen in “good” families.

Fact: Child abuse doesn’t only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. It crosses all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story behind closed doors.

MYTH #4: Most child abusers are strangers.

Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family

MYTH #5: Abused children always grow up to be abusers.

Fact: It is true that abused children are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children. On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent parents.

You are driving down the interstate highway on a rainy evening.  Visibility is very poor and you are being more cautions than usual.  You are a few minutes late for youth group and are a bit preoccupied with getting there on time.  Suddenly the car in front of you skids out of control!  It smashes into the guard-rail and flips over into your lane.  You slam on your brakes and jerk the steering wheel to the left to avoid a crash.  The front of your car catches the rear bumper of the disabled vehicle and you feel yourself thrown violently toward your windshield.  Your seatbelt and shoulder strap pull forcefully on your body, and then your car comes to a jolting halt.  You and the other driver bolt from your automobiles and run to the shoulder of the road to avoid oncoming traffic.  Then you breathe a sigh of relief and you feel legs trembling.  You have survived!

This is a clear-cut stressor.  It has a definite beginning and ending, and the body’s reaction to it is very predictable.  To handle a crisis like the one above, our bodies are programmed to do several things which give us adder strength and alertness.  Some of these bodily reactions are:

• Increased heart rate
• Increased blood pressure
• Increased blood sugar levels
• Increased muscle tension
• Increased brain activity
• Digestion slows or stops
• Peripheral blood vessels constrict

Healthy Stress Response

The idea here is that the body is now ready for an emergency.  There is more blood available to the brain and muscles, and unimportant functions like digestion are slowed or stopped.  The last reaction on the list, constriction of peripheral blood vessels, allows more blood to go to the muscles and brain and reduces the risk of severe blood loss should the person be cut during the emergency.

Under normal circumstances the body will return to its baseline state after the event is over.  This is what happens when we are able to keep the stressors clear in our own minds.  When stressors are too vague, and when our bodily mechanisms have gotten out of control, then something else happens.

Unhealthy Stress Response

When our bodies get use to high levels of stress, when our lifestyle has taught us that the only way to survive is to stay mobilized or stay vigilant, we get escalating stress.  The stress accumulates like an unhealthy negative bank balance until we can no longer maintain the physical roller-coaster that we are on.  At this point, some sort of physical or emotional collapse likely occurs.

Hypertension, tension headaches, colds and flu, migraine headaches, ulcers, colitis, depression, anxiety, loss of interest in sex, heart disease, irritability, fatigue, substance abuse, apathy, lack of interest in people, isolation, family conflicts, and spiritual bankruptcy.  There are others, but the picture should be clear.  One of the most insidious things about stress and burnout is that by the time we develop some of the more serious effects on the list, we have become so out of touch with our Creator and ourselves we haven’t the foggiest idea how we got there. 

Example of Stressors

This is a list of typical stressors.  You may find that you have some or all of these:

Career

• Conflict with superiors, subordinates or co-workers (these may be philosophical, methodological, theological, ecclesiological, missiological, etc.)
• Inefficient use of time
• Problems delegating
• Too heavy a workload
• Unrealistic expectations
• Lack of training
• Having too few challenges; being bored

Partner

• Not enough time together
• Too much time together
• Power struggles
• Differences in values or expectations
• Sexual concerns

Kids (if you have them)

• Discipline problems
• Finding enough time to do things with them
• Sibling rivalry
• Interference from relatives
• Attaching our value to their behavior/accomplishments

Friends

• Not enough
• Too many acquaintances, not enough close friends
• Demanding too much of my time
• Take but don’t give
• Competitive or critical

Spiritual

• Undisciplined devotional life
• Too rigid devotional life
• Too inward focused
• Too outward focused
• Not enough solitude
• No meaningful prayer time
• Spending time in the Word for teaching purposes only and not for communion with God

Other

• Too many outside activities (spread too thin)
• All work and no play
• All play and no work
• Trying to be “successful” and not faithful

In looking at stressors in your life, remember that this is subjective.  What may be negative stressors to you may be energizing, positive stressors for others.  God has wired you a very specific way for a very specific reason.  Spend some time this fall contemplating that and allow God to “trim away the fat” that may be causing you to be over-stressed.

The goal is to teach them when they are being hooked by lies from the enemy, self-doubt, and old negative patterns of behaviors and thought so they can step back, get centered, and make life-giving choices instead of life-stealing choices.  Choices that honor God and support their value as created beings.

The brain is divided into three major areas:

1. The Cerebral Cortex
2. The Limbic System, and
3. The Brainstem

• The Cerebral Cortex is out thinking brain.  It is the part of the brain that surrounds the Limbic System and fills the upper part of the skull.  The Cerebral Cortex helps us to reason, reflect on our experiences and consider various options for responding.  This part of the brain enables us to put words to our feelings, to settle ourselves when we are upset, and to make intentional choices.
• The Limbic System is our feeling brain.  It surrounds the brain stem, and is the primary center for storage and processing of emotional memory.  It is the key player in the triggering of the brain’s alarm system (fight or flight) when we perceive threat or danger.  It is a place of no words, no thoughts.
• The Brainstem is the automatic brain.  It surrounds the top of the spinal cord and is responsible for regulating basic life functions such as breathing and heartbeat.  It regulates functions you don’t have to think about to make happen.  It does it automatically.
• The Alarm Mechanism of the Limbic System is said to be sloppy.  What this means is that when we are in a situation that we think is dangerous or threatening, we respond emotionally first, before we are aware of what we are responding to.
• An Emotional Hijacking occurs when the Limbic System’s quick alarm system short-circuits the Cerebral Cortex’s ability to more thoroughly process the situation.

This emotional hijacking can sometime be adaptive or helpful.  For example, imagine that you are walking down a deserted street at night, and a large dog jumps out from between two buildings, starts to snarl and bark, and begins to run toward you.  If you were to pause, think about the situation, and consider alternatives, you might get eaten.  Instead, this event sets off a full-body hormonal response that bypasses the thinking part of the brain and is experienced physically as overwhelming and possibly uncontrollable fear.  Before we are aware of it, our Limbic System signals our brainstem to increase breathing and heart rate, and we are primed to fight or flight.

Emotional hijacking can be destructive; however, when the Limbic System’s short-circuiting of the thinking brain occurs in situations in which it is not helpful or adaptive for the Cerebral Cortex to shut down.  For example, imagine that your student is with a group of friends, and somebody says something to him/her that is hurtful or mean.  This experience brings on an immediate and painful escalation of negative emotions – shame, fear, embarrassment and anger.  They are not able to pause, think things through, and act or speak in a positive manner.  They literally can’t think straight.  Instead, he/she either lashes out in anger (fight), which results in greater escalation, or they shut down (flight), and tell themselves that they are “no good,” “a loser,” or that “nothing ever works out” for them.  In either case, your student may feel hooked, or taken over by the negative thoughts and emotions, and later, in an attempt to make those feelings go away; engage in a negative and destructive behavior.  This process often happens so quickly that when it does happen it seems like they are on autopilot.  When internal reactions result in repeating old unhealthy and ineffective patterns of speech and behavior, this is known as emotional hijacking.

Fortunately their brains have a tremendous capacity to change, to reorganize and restructure neural connections over the entire lifespan.  In order to restructure negative neural connections, they need to learn how to step back (Galatians. 5:23) and settle themselves a bit before acting or speaking (Psalm 34:13, 1 Peter 3:10) when they become overwhelmed with painful emotions and the quick alarm mechanism of the Limbic System.

In terms of brain operation, this literally gives the thinking brain a chance to catch up with the alarm signals of the feeling brain, to make a more thorough analysis of the present situation and avoid an emotional hijacking that results in repeating old habitual behaviors.

The practices of prayer and meditation enables young people to break their old emotional habits and replaces them with more thoughtful and effective ways of thinking (Romans 12:2).  These practices allow the old brain circuits conditioned by fear to die out as we help replace them with new neural circuits created by God’s word and the Spirit’s activity in their lives.

How does this help us better understand adolescent behavior?

What implications do this have on how we practice youth ministry?

Are there times when we are inadvertantly reinforcing our students negative emotions, behaviors, and stories?

1. I must be loved or approved of by everyone I consider significant.
2. I must be thoroughly competent and adequate in everything I do.  I should not be satisfied with myself unless I’m the best or excelling.
3. If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome I must be terribly concerned about it or keep on guard in case it happens.
4. It is easier to avoid than face life’s difficulties and responsibilities.
5. It’s bad to think well of oneself.
6. I can’t be happy unless a certain condition – like success, money, love, approval, or perfect achievement – is met.
7. I can’t feel worthwhile unless a certain condition if met.
8. I’m entitled to happiness (or success, health, self-respect, pleasure, love) without having to work for it.
9. One day when I make it, I’ll have friends and be able to enjoy myself.
10. Work should be hard and in some way unpleasant.
11. Joy is only gained through hard work.
12. I am inadequate.
13. Worrying insures that I’ll be prepared to face and solve problems.  So the more I worry the better.  (Constant worrying helps prevent future mistakes and problems and gives me extra control.)
14. Life should be easy.  I can’t enjoy it if there are problems.
15. The past makes me unhappy.  There’s no way around it.
16. There’s a perfect solution, and I must find it.
17. If people disapprove of (reject, criticize, mistreat) me, it means I’m inferior, wrong, or no good.
18. I’m only as good as the work I do.  If I’m not productive, I’m no good.
19. If I try hard enough, all people will like me.
20. If I try hard enough, my future will be happy and trouble free.

They referred to an article in the Huffington Post about photos of models that have been touched up to make the model look thinner.

As a father of three young girls I’m concerned that when they see the touched up photos they compare and contrast themselves to a fictional image.  We have got to continue to pull back the curtain on these tricks of the trade or our girls will kill themselves striving for something that is impossible.

Now I know this may sound fanatical but we work first hand with young girls who suffer from image distortions and eating disorders.  It’s no wonder they struggle so much when confronted with images such as this.

Here’s a great song by Jonny Diaz called “More Beautiful You” that speaks to this same issue:

Because the effects of compassion fatigue are cumulative, caregivers may be unaware of this syndrome’s ability to rob them of their energy, vitality, and resiliency.  The pervasiveness of this phenomenon places those in the helping/serving professions at high-risk of sacrificing their own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being on the altars of compassion.

The term Compassion Fatigue differs from the term Burnout in that it concentrates on the transfer of emotions from the primary source to a secondary one.   Whereas burnout that physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion is caused by a depletion of the ability to cope with one’s environment.

Examples of Compassion Fatigue Burnout Symptoms

Cognitive

Lowered concentration, decreased self-esteem, apathy, rigidity, disorientation, perfectionism, minimization, preoccupation with trauma, thoughts of self-harm or harm to others

Emotional

Powerlessness, anxiety, guilt, anger/rage, survivor guilt, shutdown, numbness, fear, helplessness, sadness, depression, emotional rollercoaster, depleted, overly sensitive

Behavioral

Impatient, irritable, withdrawn, moody, regression, sleep disturbance, nightmares, appetite changes, hypervigilance, elevated startle response, accident proneness, losing things

Spiritual

Questioning the meaning of life, loss of purpose, lack of peace, pervasive hopelessness, anger at God, questioning long held convictions/beliefs, loss of faith, increasing skepticism about religion

Personal Relations

Withdrawal, decreased interest in intimacy or sex, mistrust, isolation from others, over-protection as a parent, projection of anger or blame, intolerance, loneliness, increased interpersonal conflicts

Somatic

Shock, sweating, rapid heartbeat, breathing difficulties, aches and pains, dizziness, increased number and intensity of medical problems, other somatic complaints, impaired immune system

Work Performance

Low morale, low motivation, avoiding tasks, obsession about details, apathy, negativity, lack of appreciation, detachment, poor work commitments, staff conflicts, absenteeism, exhaustion, irritability, withdrawal from colleagues

Any of these symptoms could be signaling the onset or presence of compassion Fatigue.  If you think you may suffer from Compassion Fatigue you can take and online Compassion Fatigue Test that will help you determine if you need help.

Students and parents tend to  idealize you and then “transfer” to you their unmet dependency needs that they carry over with them. You become the good loving parent they never had. You become “Better than… Purer than… Kinder than… Gentler than… .” The youth pastor, being the human being that he/she is, will sooner or later disappoint people, who in their disillusionment will begin to turn on their leader who failed to meet their needs after all.

A search of youth ministry want ads will often reveal the list of the church’s priorities for a new youth minister. At the top of their list is usually something like this: “A person who will meet the spiritual needs of our youth.” At first glance, this looks fine, but look more closely. No human being would be equal to the task, because God alone can meet spiritual needs. The task of the minister is to point people toward this Source. Whether they choose to draw from their Source is beyond the minister’s control. Problems come… from expectations youth pastors or volunteer leaders – perhaps because of their perceived association with God — can do superhuman things…Congregations can put unreal expectations on the staff, when there is not a legitimate way for them to respond to concerns without appearing to want to hit back.”

Congregations cannot stand too much transparency, because they [have a need to] idealize you. They cannot relate to you as human… It is not so much you as a person, but the role you play.  When you step out of the role, you immediately start to get into trouble. Things fall apart. The youth pastor has a relationship of power. You can only “resolve” the transference by stepping out of the pastoral role, but you do that at the peril of the pastoral/congregational relationship.  In one-on-one counselling relationships, where transference inevitably occurs as well, the goal of therapy is ultimately to resolve the transference, by enabling the client to begin to assume responsibility for his/her own dependency needs. One wonders how a congregation of families that transfers its collective needs onto one youth pastor or volunteer staff, can ever grow into wholeness and maturity — if the transference can never be resolved.

Do you see transference in your ministry?  From students?  Parents?  Other staff?

Do you struggle to set boundaries or communicate regarding healthy expectations?

Do you recognize countertransference in yourself?  Are you trying to “fix” students to “fix” yourself?

Are you living vicariously through the students you serve?  Attempting to relive or capture a lost part of your adolescent experience?

If you answer yes to any of the above you may be experiencing transference or countertransference and they can get in the way of your usefulness to God and others.  Explore with your staff the expectations and boundaries that either exist or need to exist to protect you from what Adam at adammclane.com writes about here. 

Tranference leads to burnout.  Countertransference can lead to deeper problems.  If you think you struggle with either talk to you senior pastor and decide together how to best address these problems.  You may even have to make the difficult decision to take time off to gain perspective. 

This is not to say that we need to be without blemish before we can serve in the Kingdom.  To the contrary, we need to understand our own brokenness to be truly effective.  But that brokenness cannot cloud our judgment when leading others.

1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether:

Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just don’t say anything to their partner until they’re ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. This seems to be the less stressful route—avoiding an argument altogether—but usually causes more stress to both parties, as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results. It’s much healthier to address and resolve conflict.

2. Being Defensive:

Rather than addressing a partner’s complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand the other person’s point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard to avoid looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem. Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term problems when partners don’t feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow.

3. Overgeneralizing:

When something happens that they don’t like, some blow it out of proportion by making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, “You always…” and “You never…” as in, “You always come home late!” or “You never do what I want to do!” Stop and think about whether or not this is really true. Also, don’t bring up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic and stir up more negativity. This stands in the way of true conflict resolution, and increases the level of conflict.

4. Being Right:

It’s damaging to decide that there’s a ‘right’ way to look at things and a ‘wrong’ way to look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don’t demand that your partner see things the same way, and don’t take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and remember that there’s not always a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’, and that two points of view can both be valid.

5. “Psychoanalyzing” / Mind-Reading:

Instead of asking about their partner’s thoughts and feelings, people sometimes decide that they ‘know’ what their partners are thinking and feeling based only on faulty interpretations of their actions—and always assume it’s negative! (For example, deciding a late mate doesn’t care enough to be on time, or that a tired partner is denying sex out of passive-aggressiveness.) This creates hostility and misunderstandings.

 6. Forgetting to Listen:

Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they’re going to say next instead of truly listening and attempting to understand their partner. This keeps you from seeing their point of view, and keeps your partner from wanting to see yours! Don’t underestimate the importance of really listening and empathizing with the other person!

7. Playing the Blame Game:

Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other person for the situation. They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame them for being ‘at fault’. Instead, try to view conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties and come up with a solution that helps you both.

8. Trying to ‘Win’ the Argument:

I love it when Dr. Phil says that if people are focused on ‘winning’ the argument, “the relationship loses”! The point of a relationship discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that respects everyone’s needs. If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, you’re focused in the wrong direction!

9. Making Character Attacks:

Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. (For example, if a husband leaves his socks lying around, looking it as a character flaw and label him ‘inconsiderate and lazy’, or, if a woman wants to discuss a problem with the relationship, labeling her ‘needy’, ‘controlling’ or ‘too demanding’.) This creates negative perceptions on both sides. Remember to respect the person, even if you don’t like the behavior.

10. Stonewalling:

When one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship, sometimes people defensively stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to their partner. These shows disrespect and, in certain situations, even contempt, while at the same time letting the underlying conflict grow. Stonewalling solves nothing, but creates hard feelings and damages relationships. It’s much better to listen and discuss things in a respectful manner.

In all this, the bottom line is, often we receive damaged goods into our care.  Michael Gurian, of the Gurian Institute has developed in conjunction with Pat Crum, the director of the Family Nurturing Center of Michigan ten key strategies to promote attachment in boys, which in turn enables an adolescent male to master necessary life skills.

1. Bursts of Attention – Offer at least five long bursts – many minutes at a time – and many shorter, intermittent periods of undivided attention throughout every day.
2. Lots of Affirmation – Notice and support the young boy’s efforts and accomplishments verbally and, when appropriate, with other rewards, including physical hugs.
3. Verbal Mirroring – Describe in words back to the boy what he is doing, “I like how you just put that book back on the shelf.”
4. Physical Play – Because play is organic learning time for the body and brain, engage in play with boys a number of times per day.
5. Leadership – In work and play relationships, let boys take the lead as much as you lead him.
6. Enthusiasm – Infuse your interaction with joy, enthusiasm, and the pleasure of being together.  Find things to do that inspire him and provide an outlet for his often untamed passion.
7. Predictability – Provide consistent, predictable structure and clear limits.
8. Self-Management – Implement behavior management strategies that are based on the boy’s developmental stage.  Many adolescent males have not yet developed their cognitive processes that guide decision making.  Understanding this prevents unrealistic expectations.
9. Choice-Making – Teach boys to make acceptable decisions.  Making the right choice builds that crucial learning center in the brain – the frontal lobe.  Do as little “for” the boy as you can, making him do as much for himself as he can.
10. Appropriate Discipline – Avoid behavior management strategies designed to frighten boys into right behavior.  If punitive threat worked there would be no repeat offenders in our jails today.  And, often, all that a boy learns from punishment is that he’s a failure.  Identifying his reward system (what motivates him) is a better approach to making lasting change in behavior.

While this is pretty straight forward behavioral stuff there’s a lot of value in the above ten suggestions.  While they are based in science they do not take into account the activity of the Holy Spirit dwelling inside our boys.  This doe not mean they are contradictory, it does mean that there is a variable that we can’t predict or control.  We must add one more important strategy to this list for us to maintain fidelity to our calling; teaching boys to discern the leadings of the Spirit.

If we do all of the above our boys will pray, play and obey in a way that makes a lasting difference in their lives, in our lives, and in the world that they live in.