Category Archives: Youth Ministry

June 3, 2013

Self-Care Checklist

By CotF Admin

Just a quick reminder to take care of yourself.  Those you minister to need the you to be well over the long haul.  Self-care is important to prevent future stress to the body.  The following ideas have been found to be helpful in coping with stress:

  •  A regular daily routine: Have set times for getting up, meals, and going to bed.
  • A balanced diet: Include breads & cereals, meat, fish & dairy products, fruits & vegetables.
  • Avoid too much coffee and tea to help you sleep at night.
  • Outdoor activities, such as going for a walk or gardening, take you away from the stress, and refresh you mentally.
  • Exercise (i.e. such as swimming, walking, & team games) will produce chemicals called endorphins in the body which help to counteract depression and make you feel energized. The exercise does not need to be strenuous.  If you have doubts about your fitness, consult your doctor.
  • Relaxation: meditation, massage, music.
  • A relaxing pre-sleep routine: winding down before bed and not watching television right before going to sleep.
  • Avoid seeking relief through alcohol, smoking, medication, and other drugs.
  • Consult a doctor about physical symptoms, for a blood pressure check, for practical help, and for help with the the stress of life.

Honor God and those He calls you to serve by taking care of yourself.

2 comments   |  tags: , , | posted in Mental Health, SoulCare, Youth Ministry

May 28, 2013

Jesus vs. Schemas (pt. 1 of 2)

By CotF Admin

Schemas — What They Are

A schema is an extremely stable, enduring negative pattern that develops during childhood or adolescence and is elaborated throughout an individual’s life. We view the world through our schemas.  When one does not learn a healthy theology and understanding of who they are in Christ, these schemas take root where theology should live.

Schemas are important beliefs and feelings about oneself and the environment which the individual accepts without question. They are self-perpetuating, and are very resistant to change. For instance, children who develop a schema that they are incompetent rarely challenge this belief, even as adults. The schema usually does not go away without therapy. Overwhelming success in people’s lives is often still not enough to change the schema. The schema fights for its own survival, and, usually, quite successfully.

It’s also important to mention the importance of needs in schema formation and perpetuation. Schemas are formed when needs are not met during childhood and then the schema prevents similar needs from being fulfilled in adulthood. For instance a child whose need for secure attachments is not fulfilled by his parents may go for many years in later life without secure relationships while seeking maladaptive ways (often sinful but functional) to satisfy his or her longings.

Even though schemas persist once they are formed, they are not always in our awareness. Usually they operate in subtle ways, out of our awareness. However, when a schema erupts or is triggered by events, our thoughts and feelings are dominated by these schemas. It is at these moments that people tend to experience extreme negative emotions and have dysfunctional thoughts.

There are eighteen specific schemas. Most individuals have at least two or three of these schemas, and often more. A brief description of each of these schemas is provided below.

Emotional Deprivation

This schema refers to the belief that one’s primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs can be described in three categories: Nurturance—needs for affection, closeness and love; Empathy—needs to be listened to and understood; Protection—needs for advice, guidance and direction. Generally parents are cold or removed and don’t adequately care for the child in ways that would adequately meet the above needs.

Abandonment/Instability

This schema refers to the expectation that one will soon lose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will end eminently. As children, these individuals may have experienced the divorce or death of parents. This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistent in attending to the child’s needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occasions on which the child was left alone or unattended to for extended periods.

Mistrust/Abuse

This schema refers to the expectation that others will intentionally take advantage in some way. People with this schema expect others to hurt, cheat, or put them down. They often think in terms of attacking first or getting revenge afterwards. In childhood, these individuals were often abused or treated unfairly by parents, siblings, or peers.

Social Isolation/Alienation

This schema refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their families, are different from other people.

Defectiveness/Shame

This schema refers to the belief that one is internally flawed, and that, if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship. This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved.

Failure

This schema refers to the belief that one is incapable of performing as well as one’s peers in areas such as career, school or sports. These individuals may feel stupid, inept or untalented. People with this schema often do not try to achieve because they believe that they will fail. This schema may develop if children are put down and treated as if they are a failure in school and other spheres of accomplishment. Usually the parents did not give enough support, discipline, and encouragement for the child to persist and succeed in areas of achievement, such as schoolwork or sport.

Dependence/Incompetence

This schema refers to the belief that one is not capable of handling day-to-day responsibilities competently and independently. People with this schema often rely on others excessively for help in areas such as decision-making and initiating new tasks. Generally, parents did not encourage these children to act independently and develop confidence in their ability to take care of themselves.

Vulnerability to Harm and Illness

This schema refers to the belief that one is always on the verge of experiencing a major catastrophe (financial, natural, medical, criminal, etc.). It may lead to taking excessive precautions to protect oneself. Usually there was an extremely fearful parent who passed on the idea that the world is a dangerous place.

Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self

This schema refers to a pattern in which you experience too much emotional involvement with others – usually parents or romantic partners. It may also include the sense that one has too little individual identity or inner direction, causing a feeling of emptiness or of floundering. This schema is often brought on by parents who are so controlling, abusive, or so overprotective that the child is discouraged from developing a separate sense of self.

Subjugation

This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these individuals fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Individuals who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent.

Self-Sacrifice

This schema refers to the excessive sacrifice of one’s own needs in order to help others. When these individuals pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others’ needs ahead of their own. Often individuals who self-sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.

Emotional Inhibition

This schema refers to the belief that you must suppress spontaneous emotions and impulses, especially anger, because any expression of feelings would harm others or lead to loss of self-esteem, embarrassment, retaliation or abandonment. You may lack spontaneity, or be viewed as uptight. This schema is often brought on by parents who discourage the expression of feelings.

Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness

This schema refers to the belief that whatever you do is not good enough, that you must always strive harder. The motivation for this belief is the desire to meet extremely high internal demands for competence, usually to avoid internal criticism. People with this schema show impairments in important life areas, such as health, pleasure or self-esteem. Usually these individuals’ parents were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement.

Entitlement/Grandiosity

This schema refers to the belief that you should be able to do, say, or have whatever you want immediately regardless of whether that hurts others or seems reasonable to them. You are not interested in what other people need, nor are you aware of the long-term costs to you of alienating others. Parents who overindulge their children and who do not set limits about what is socially appropriate may foster the development of this schema. Alternatively, some children develop this schema to compensate for feelings of emotional deprivation or defectiveness.

Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline

This schema refers to the inability to tolerate any frustration in reaching one’s goals, as well as an inability to restrain expression of one’s impulses or feelings. When lack of self-control is extreme, criminal or addictive behavior rule your life. Parents who did not model self-control, or who did not adequately discipline their children, may predispose them to have this schema as adults.

Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking

This schema refers to the placing of too much emphasis on gaining the approval and recognition of others at the expense of one’s genuine needs and sense of self. It can also include excessive emphasis on status and appearance as a means of gaining recognition and approval. individuals with this schema are generally extremely sensitive to rejections by others and try hard to fit in. Usually they did not have their needs for unconditional love and acceptance met by their parents in their early years.

Negativity/Pessimism

This schema refers to a pervasive pattern of focusing on the negative aspects of life while minimizing the positive aspects. Individuals with this schema are unable to enjoy things that are going well in their lives because they are so concerned with negative details or potential future problems. They worry about possible failures no matter how well things are going for them. Usually these individuals had a parent who worried excessively.

Punitiveness

This schema refers to the belief that people deserve to be harshly punished for making mistakes. People with this schema are critical and unforgiving of both themselves and others. They tend to be angry about imperfect behaviors much of the time. In childhood these individuals usually had at least one parent who put too much emphasis on performance and had a punitive style of controlling behavior.

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There are two primary schema operations: Schema healing and schema perpetuation. All thoughts, behaviors and feelings may be seen as being part of one of these operations. Either they perpetuate the schema or they heal the schema. We will explore both in part 2.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , | posted in Adolescent Development, Anxiety, Depression, Drug Abuse, Mental Health, Self-Injury, Sexual Abuse, Substance Abuse, Suicide, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry

March 20, 2013

Being Good News to LGBTQ Students

By CotF Admin

Adolescence is a time of significant physical and psychosocial development.  As youth develop, they are typically informed by and supported by their peers.  Experimentation, exploration, and risk characterize adolescence, and many engage in high-risk behaviors during this time.  Beyond the impulsive, risk-taking nature of adolescents their budding identity is being shaped as well.  This is often a difficult and exciting time of exploration but can be even more difficult for a self-identified LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Questioning) adolescent.  While all teens are at risk to some degree, LGBTQ students are at a higher risk by the very nature of their orientation. 

The following are just some of the reasons that LGBTQ youth are at a higher risk than the average student:

Alcohol and Drug Use in LGBTQ Youth

LGBTQ youth use alcohol and drugs for many of the same reasons as their heterosexual peers: to experiment and assert their independence, to relieve tension, to increase feelings of self-esteem and adequacy, and to self-medicate for underlying depression or other mood disorders.  However, LGBTQ youth may be more vulnerable as a result of the need to hide their sexual identity and the ensuing social isolation.  As a result, they may use alcohol or drugs to deal with stigma and shame, to deny same-sex attraction/feelings, or to help them cope with ridicule and antigay violence.

Stigma, Identity, and Risk

LGBTQ students have the same developmental tasks as their heterosexual peers, but they also face additional challenges in learning how to manage a stigmatized identity.  This extra burden puts LGBTQ youth at increased risk for substance abuse and unprotected sex and can intensify psychological distress and risk for suicide.  This is even more true when there are compounding intersections such as; being a minority, having a disability, etc.

Abuse and Homelessness

LGBTQ youth are at a high risk for antigay violence such as bullying (which is really peer assault and harassment), verbal, emotional, and social abuse.  Antigay attacks heighten an adolesent’s feelings of vulnerability, intensifies their inner conflict, and typically drives them further into isolation, reinforcing their sexual identity.

Homelessness is a particular concern for LGBTQ youth, because many teens may run away as a result of harassment and abuse from family members or peers who disapprove of the sexual orientation.  Still others may be thrown out of the home when their parents learn they are gay.  Like their heterosexual peers, LGBTQ homeless and runaway youth have many health and social problems, including mental health problems, high risk for suicide, and STDs (including being at high risk for HIV/AIDS).

*excerpts taken from SAMHSA: A Providers Instruction to Substance Abuse Treatment for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Individuals

So my question is this…How can the church (and our youth ministries) be Good News to these precious kids that are at such a high risk?

 

4 comments | posted in Adolescent Development, Anxiety, Bullying, Drug Abuse, LGBTQ Youth, Mental Health, Substance Abuse, Suicide, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry, Youth With Disabilities

March 14, 2013

Handling Stress in Ministry and Life

By CotF Admin

You’ve heard it said that hungry stomachs have no ears, implying that the Gospel is neutered if it doesn’t take into account the here and now and not just the here after.  The same can be said about stressed out teens don’t give a rip about Jesus if He can’t impact their lives immediately.  In a culture that moves as fast as ours stress is just the name of the game.  Those of us living with high levels of stress seem to think this is an acceptable consequence of preparing for a pursuit of the American Dream (one that no longer exists by the way). We, as a culture, are flaming out in alarming numbers and it’s largely due to the perception that Jesus doesn’t really make a difference in helping me manage my increasingly burdened life. 

Stress is simply the experience of environmental problems and the lack of resources (internal and/or external) to do anything about them.  The many stressors one might encounter on any given day and the stress they induce is directly related to the individual’s perception and their capabilities to cope with the stressors.  This is often referred to as the Stress Response of fight or flight.  Causes of stress or potential stressors have been commonly and straightforwardly defined as experiencing negative events.  These events have a cumulative effect so an increased number of stressful events experienced in a relatively short period of time compounds the effects of stress and makes coping with them more difficult.  Now add to it the pressure to commit to youth ministry expectations, demands, and beliefs.  Jesus = more stress!

Our reality is that while the gospel never changes, nor does God, how they intersect with someone’s life does.  For one individual it is simply an academic exercise of reading and understanding the written Word in order to bring about change in their heart.  Yet, for another it may be the friendship of a gospel messenger that communicates the love of the God to an otherwise marginalized individual.  Still yet, there is the one that brings immediate relief to a hopeless and helpless person in the form of much needed resources, such as; food, water, or shelter.  It can also be the concerned youth worker that engages a young person in a mentoring relationship and in the context of that relationship equips them with very practical coping skills that allow them to manage the stressors in their life.  That’s the beauty and mystery of the gospel; it is whatever the individual needs it to be.  God meets us at our need!  That is Good News!

Come to me all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

Yoke of Oppression vs. the Yoke of Christ

Stress is oppressive.  Stress smothers us until we cannot breathe anymore.  It holds one captive and can control them when there is a lack of coping skills available.  It forces one to rely on the “stress response” system of “fight or flight” and creates an ongoing sense of anxiety and/or anger in the individual.  The yoke of Christ is easy.  It is freeing in its call to submission.  It says to the one yoked, “I will gently guide you through whatever you are facing.”  It is protective by its very nature and contributes to an underlying sense of peace.  This is due to the idea that one does not have to carry their burden alone.

We youth workers can reduce to potential for burnout by developing coping skills endorsed in the Scriptures.  Coping can be defined as a set of responses, cognitive or behavioral, that people use to deal with problematic events and to avoid being harmed by life’s stressors.  Coping refers to a set of purposeful individual reactions to those stressors.  It is a reaction to stressors that resolves, reduces or replaces the unhelpful stressful state.  It is the process by which one manages the demands of the environment that are stressful and the accompanying emotions of stress. 

Professionals have identified six major areas from which people draw from in order to cope:

1.)  Health and Energy:  Important resources because an individual who is sick or tired has less energy than a healthy person to expend on coping.  We have a limited, but replenishable supply of energy.  This energy is fueled by glucose.  What we eat and how we treat our bodies has a lot to do with how we manage life’s difficulties.  1 Corinthians 6:19 - Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.

2.)  Positive Beliefs:  Viewing oneself positively and believing that life outcomes are controllable and will be positive.  Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

3.)  Problem-Solving Skills:  The ability to search for information, generate alternative courses of action, weigh alternatives with respect to outcome, and select and implement an appropriate plan of action.  Proverbs 2

4.)  Social Skills:  The ability to communicate and behave in ways that are socially appropriate and effective.  Romans 14:13 – Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.

5.)  Social Support:  Emotional, informational, spiritual and/or tangible support from others.  Ecclesiastes 4:12 – Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

6.)  Material Resources:  Money and goods and services money can buy.  James 2:15-16 – If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,” and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that?

People use internal and external assets (psychological and social) and specific coping skills to manage stress.  Resources are what are available to people to develop coping repertoires.  External assets found through social networks such as youth ministry, small groups, counseling, family members, etc., that are potential sources of support.  Internal assets are the personality characteristics that people draw on from within such as conviction, courage, stress tolerance, and skills to help them withstand potential stressors.  It goes without saying that people with limited assets will struggle more and will have a higher likelihood of being overwhelmed with stress. 

 So…what impact should this have on us as youth workers?

Here are 5 practical suggestions aimed at helping one prevent stress or manage stressors real time:

1.)     Express yourself:  The Scriptures are full of God’s people calling out to Him who are frustrated, afraid, deeply saddened, overjoyed, excited and passionate.  Somewhere along the way we were taught that as Christians we can’t emote because feelings aren’t trustworthy.  While that may be true their expression is often essential in relieving the stress they are causing.   Ps. 31:21 – In my alarm I said, “I am cut off from your sight!”  Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.

2.)    Fight Resentment:  The word re-sent literally means to feel (sentiment) again (re).  One who is resentful is one who relives the offense over and over again with the same intensity as it was originally experienced.  The long-term consequences of hanging on to resentment are many and according to Scripture are toxic.  Hebrews 12:15 – See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.Cross references:

3.)    Reach Out:  A Lone-Gunman mentality goes against the very nature of God the Father, who has always existed in community with the Son and the Spirit.  We were made in Their image and therefore are made to be connected to each other.  When one part of the body suffers the whole body suffers.  We are an interdependent organism working together for God’s glory.  We cannot do this life alone, and weren’t meant to.  We are called to carry each others burdens.  Galatians 6:2 – Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

4.)    Adjust Priorities:  It is an unfortunate reality that when we are stressed out we don’t so much turn away from God as much as we simply forget about Him.  For many God is a last resort and when it all hits the proverbial fan we go running back to Him.  God longs for us to turn back to Him and run into His open and outstretched arms.  More importantly He wants us to know that He is Immanuel.  He is with us in the storms.  Jonah 2:7 – “When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple.

5.)    Be Persistent:  Be persistent in your pursuit of seeking your Father.  Be persistent in seeking rest.  Be persistent in finding time to play.  Be persistent in pushing through difficult times.  But don’t do this in your own strength, do this by being persistent in your pursuit of nurturing a complete and utter dependence on the Holy Spirit.  The Spirit is your Comforter, your Advocate, and your Healer.  Learn to lean on it for strength during those times when you feel overwhelmed.  Matthew 11:28-29 – “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Stress is a natural part of life and mostly cannot be avoided.  There are deadlines, crisis that occur, illnesses, and conflict that we will encounter along the way.  It is our profound hope though that God is everything He says He is and that we can begin living in such a way that proves it.  How we handle stress in an over-stressed world might just be one of the best ways we can demonstrate that a relationship with the God of the Bible is the only way to make it through this world and into the next.

1 comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Mental Health, Youth Ministry

March 11, 2013

Credibility in Youth Ministry

By CotF Admin

honestyWe all know youthworkers who have lost credibility with their students.  We often pass judgment on them and know personally what we would have done differently.  However, what makes a youthworker credible in an teenager’s eyes may be different from what a youthworker thinks will make them credible.  Credibility is often confused with trustworthiness and likeability, with the youthworker more concerned with with being liked than respected.  But teens are smart consumers, and they know the difference between authentic adults and those just trying to sell a product.

 We want to look at the ways adults in youth ministry often lose credibility with the students in their ministry.  Usually the intentions are good, but sometimes the outcomes of our ministry efforts are not.  Adults in general can try to hard, control too much, or pretend something is working when it clearly in not, and this is typically because they don’t know what else to do. 

Craving the Teen’s Approval

For some of us the validation we receive from the teens we serve can be a powerful experience.  Many of us involved in youth work are there because we had a particular experience in our own adolescence.  For some of us, it is an opportunity to return the favor and investment made on our behalf.  It is a chance to make a difference in the lives of the youth in our community and we have a sense of calling and/or obligation to do this. 

For others though, it may be a more pathological motivation.  I have met, on more than one occasion, the youth worker who is trying to re-live their teenage years vicariously through the students they minister to.  This is an insidious and often beneath the surface drive but is none-the-less real.  It plays out like this; I didn’t get validation from my peers during my formative years so now I am living that out in ministry and trying to gain their approval today, as if my intrinsic worth is tied up in their opinion of me. 

This typically results in shallow ministry fruit because the goal, intended or unintended, is not spiritual growth but personal validation from the students to the adult.  This does not mean that God won’t use an person’s past hurts in ministry today but if these hurts cloud your ability to see things clearly then the individual may do more harm than good.

Being too Cautious

As a result of seeking the student’s approval the youth worker must then measure everything that said to the youth.  This is much like a couple’s first date.  The individual does not want to say or do anything that would reflect poorly on them and end the chances of future endeavors. 

This can occur in ministry as well.  During the early stages of rapport building this is quite understandable but as time goes on trust and trustworthiness should develop.  These two things cannot develop is one party has an ulterior motive.  Also, once the relationship does develop it is difficult for the youth worker to speak challenging truth into the lives of their students for fear of losing their affirmation.  A wise man told me once that I should “love people enough to tell them the truth”.  This can’t be done if one can not remain objective.

Heaven’s Reward Fallacy

Rainbows, Pixies, Jelly Beans, and the Warm Fuzzies are not the substance of (most) teenagers lives.  Often, we sell them a fantasy world that says, “If you just accept Jesus then everything magically gets better!”  Ta-Da!  The quickest way to lose credibility, and therefore your influence, is to pull a bait-and-switch regarding what it means to follow Jesus.

Trying too Hard

Sometimes we can try way too hard to convince the students that they need Jesus.  I know that sounds antithetical to what we’re trying to do but kids can tell when the experiences they have with us are more about us meeting an objective that genuinely loving them.  Sometimes we need them to believe because we are the ones that doubt.  It’s like them coming to believe in Jesus validates our own faith.  This can be dangerous to both the students and us.  A faith that is built on “sand” is shakey at best and the damage it can do to the budding, young faith of a student is very real.  We must get this in check.

I’m Stumped

Lastly, we lose credibility when we try to be the expert on all things.  There is nothing so apparent to teens than a know-it-all youth worker.  We mask the fact that we don’t know the answers and kids can pick it up in our voice, our choice of words, body language, eye contact, and the stammer in our speech.  Our attempts to cover this unknowing only reduces our credibility and makes the situation worse.

This list in not even close to being exhaustive.  We should constantly be aware of those practices that erode our influence over our students.  It is our belief that students are looking for credible adult guides to lead them out of the wilderness of adolescence.  Teens will usually follow those worth following and their loyalty remains for many years after they leave our ministries.  Are you leading in such a way that you keep up a strong level of credibility?  Are you leading and serving in a way that young people know you are trustworthy of following?  And if you are, who is it you are pointing them toward?

1 comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Adolescent Development, extended adolescence, Misc., Spirituality, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry

February 8, 2013

Trauma Stewardship in Youth Ministry

By CotF Admin

 

 In Laura van Dernoot Lipsky’s book (2009), Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others, she identifies a transformation that occurs when one is regularly exposed to trauma.  This response often occurs without any awareness that it is happening.  For those of us called to steward the trauma of God’s children we must be diligent in taking care of ourselves so that we can continue to be of use to him and his purposes. 

I can’t help but feel this is that case in youth ministry as well.  How often have you even felt that what you are doing is never enough?  How often do we feel helpless and hopeless, like we are not even putting a dent in the enemy’s influence?  How often do we feel exhausted as we move from one crisis to another?  For those of us in the trenches it can feel like a never-ending onslaught day after day.  The image below show signs that you may be experiencing secondary trauma or compassion fatigue.  Take a moment and ask God to search your heart and see if he might speak to you about this issue.

 Trauma-exposure-response

If, after hearing from God, you believe you are experiencing one or many of these symptoms then take some time to let God heal those places in your heart.  We are beginning a new blog series focusing on taking care of yourself while you serve in the trenches called “Youth Ministry Survival Guide”.  You will see these rolled out over the next few months.  In the meantime, if you are struggling with the grind and consequences of ministry and you serve in some of those dark places where trauma lives, we want to invite you to reach out to Simply Soul Care.

Simply Soul Care is a safe place for youth workers to be encouraged, prayed for, and loved on by veteran youth workers who are gifted and called to serve those in the trenches.  You can use Soul Care by visiting the Soul Care website.  If you are planning on going to the Simply Youth Ministry Conference this year you can also stop by The Shelter and schedule an appointment with one of our Soul Care Advocates.  This is a one-on-one appointment where you will meet with someone who will listen to you, pray for you, and encourage you. 

I have had the privilege of serving in the ministry for the last couple of years and have seen God work in the lives of those who serve him in powerful ways.  The work you do is important but so are you.  Make some time to let someone pour into you the way you pour yourself out to others.  This keeps you in the game and that’s a win-win for everyone.

Leave a comment | posted in Youth Ministry

January 28, 2013

The Power of Permission in Youth Ministry

By CotF Admin

permission grantedThe first time I learned about the validation that comes with giving someone permission to experience their reality came when I was 10 years old.  I was regularly invited to sleep over at my friend Joel’s house.  I suffered horribly from being homesick when I was younger.  It was often a source of ridicule from peers and a source of shame from within.

On this particular evening Joel had invited me to come stay the night.  I considered not even going to avoid the shame of Joel’s parents calling my mom at eleven o’clock at night to come pick me up.  But the virtual Disneyland playground in Joel’s backyard beckoned me to come and I had brought my laser weapon, for my role was always that of Han Solo.  Joel was Luke Skywalker and we would fight the clone army to save our beloved Princess Leia.  I had to go, so I mustered up the courage to try again.

I walked up to the door with my mom in tow on a Friday evening after school, and waited for what always happened.  I waited for my friend’s mom to tell me how much fun I was going to have that evening, and for the pressure of her promise to me that I’d never get homesick at their house.  I was sure I would disappoint.

But Joel’s mom did something different this time.  She brought me into the house, turned to my mother, and calmly said, “Goodbye for now, I’ll probably be seeing you later tonight.”  I stared up at this brilliant woman who had become the first person ever to give me permission to be homesick.  And because I walked around all evening thinking to myself that I could get homesick any time I wanted, and that it would be okay and even expected, I never once felt it come on.  I stayed at Joel’s for the first time and mom got to stay at home.

Permitting someone ownership of the his or her beliefs, impulses, defenses, and their consequences in your presence, without applying any pressure on the person to change, is a powerful phenomenon for encouraging the very change never asked for.  It’s a concept that Carl Roger’s coined unconditional regard.  It is an active appreciation of one’s felt need to stay as they are even when negative consequences are apparent or severe.  Never manipulative, never designed specifically for change nor offered up in the spirit of contradictory restriction, the act of respecting individuals’ control over their being and the choices they make serves naturally to liberate them from the need to defend, broadcast, or otherwise impose these choices.   In the absence of fear and threat, an individual is freer to consider what is working and what isn’t, and make changes experienced as autonomous.

When I think about many of the strategies we’ve seen in youth ministry to “win souls” or “disciple” our students, I wonder how many of them actually CHOOSE Christ versus how many are simply pressured into conformity.  It should come as no surprise when they leave our nests that they don’t return.  I’m not implying that we shouldn’t call out the best of our students but too often our means doesn’t allow for an autonomous choice driven by an awareness that the old way of doing things isn’t working and the promises of God are compelling enough to let them go.  Let’s give kids permission to be who they really are and to validate their perspectives and feelings (regardless of whether they reflect current reality).  Maybe by doing this our kids will allow us the influence we want but usually try to take by force.

2 comments | posted in Adolescent Development, Family, Mental Health, Parenting, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry

January 9, 2013

Helping Students and their Families Resolve Difficulties

By CotF Admin

Over the years, I have sat through countless meetings with students and their families.  Often when a family is sitting in my office it is due to a conflict that has come to a head.  Early in my career I was easily confused by the complex dynamics represented by the family and at best could only offer vague advice or I would dole out shallow offerings of scripture and a prayer offering.  Managing a tense family meeting takes skill and awareness that isn’t usually taught in traditional youth ministry trainings.  We typically learn on the fly and by experience.  The following is a set of guidelines harvested from years of collective youth ministry experience from veterans in the trenches.

Preventing Problems in the First Place

Get the Parents in From the Beginning

           It does no good to sit in front of a reluctant teenager and try to get them to open up and discuss their difficulties.  This can actually make things worse because it sets up your time with the student as one where the youth worker repeated appeals to the teenager for his/her involvement.  This is like pulling teeth.

           Because there is a disconnect in perspective from both parties it is best to start with both parties present.  If the student is resistant then you can still work with the parents.  If the parents meet with you before hand this can limit the next meeting when they come together.  You will have already heard all the issues, so the meeting will start off on the wrong foot as the student will likely assume that there is an alliance between the youth worker and the parents.  This happens because the youth worker will have to (a) relay what he/she has heard from the parents, which can come off a paternalistic; (b) the parents tell it again for the kid’s benefit, but both he/she and the youth worker have already heard it all, so it’s old news; or (c) the parents and the youth worker asks the student what they think the problem is and if they already feel like the odds are stacked against them they may become defensive or dismissive.

Exceptions to the Rule

          As with all rules, sometimes there are circumstances in which parents and student should not meet together.  These can include:

  • The situation is too volatile
  • The parents are psychologically unavailable (neglectful or abusive)
  • The older student (16-18) feels empowered to address the concern on his/her own

Cautions to be Aware of

  • Do not immediately assume that one party or the other is right/wrong
  • Teens usually understand more than they are given credit for

Setting Ground Rules for the Meeting and Identifying Goals of Meeting

             From the beginning some “rules of engagement” should be stated and referred back to as the discussion progresses.  I always make clear my expectations when helping a family resolve conflict.  I start by telling them that the goal is to help each understand one another and find a resolve that is equally satisfying to both parties, therefore, anything that does not move us towards that goal is not useful or necessary.  Here are my ground rules for engagement:

  • No interrupting
  • No personal attacks
  • Stay in the present
  • Do not use the past as a bludgeoning tool
  • Listen to gain understanding

           As the conversation progresses the objective youth worker will want to practice listening.  Be slow to speak except to help maintain focus and control emotions. Emotions can be counter-productive when trying to find a resolve and stimulate subjectiveness and self-preservation in each party.  Here are some suggestions of things to listen for and they are largely defined by their absence: boundaries, respect, compassion, clarity, assertiveness, self-respect, humor, affection, listening to each other, genuineness, and empathy.

REMINDER:  Remain neutral.  Align yourself with all parties involved.  As youth workers we may have a tendency to align ourselves with the student.  If we do this we risk alienating the parents and possibly their alliance in their child’s spiritual development.

Potential Problems

  • Parents expect you to “fix” their kid while they watch
  • Parents may indulge their child’s dismissive or defensive attitude
  • The adolescent won’t talk
    • Move forward regardless.  As you converse with the parents the student will likely become involved, even if it is to refute their parent’s claims.
    • Take the pressure off the student.  Let them know they don’t have to share if they don’t want to.  Many times the “silent treatment” is an attempt to gain a sense of control over the experience.  By taking the pressure off of them it reduces anxiety and takes away their weapon of control.
    • Allow the student to just listen.  They may act disengaged but they are hearing everything being said.
    • Observe the parent’s response to the silent child (are they shameful towards the student or dismissive?)  Both of these send messages to the child.

           Using the above strategies and information will not guarantee a better outcome for your meetings but it will increase the likelihood of finding a resolve between both parties.  Be slow to give advice.  9 times out of 10 both parties just want to be heard and taken seriously.  They simply want to know that the other party understands them and that they were important enough to devote the time necessary to reach that understanding.  The youth worker can often help facilitate the family in reaching that goal and strengthen the spiritual alliance of all those involved.

Leave a comment | posted in Adolescent Development, Family, Parenting, Teens, Youth Ministry

December 31, 2012

Top 10 Blog Posts of 2012

By CotF Admin

It’s been a busy year for us here at Fringe.  We’re having more opportunities to speak into communities around our area as well as an ever-increasing broader scope.  Some of our highlights were working with Access Living in Chicago, Simply Youth Ministry Conference by Group Publishing, and simply meeting with parents and students throughout the state of Illinois.  2013 looks promising as we look to publish resources for those working with adolescents that are at-risk. 

The most read blog posts give us an idea of what is important to you and what resources are needed most.  In 2012 you read the following posts more than any other.

Roles Of Children In Dysfunctional Families

Youth Suicide Risk Assessment

Bullying (part 3): Text-Bullying And Mobile Technology

Basic Brain Function and Emotional Hijacking

Your Youth Group Sucks! – Building Rapport with Difficult Students

The Functionality of Sin

Self-Mutilation in Abuse Survivors

Supervision in Youth Ministry

What’s Wrong With Young People Today?

Ten Strategies for Working with Boys

Thanks to all of you for making 2012 a great year.   Here’s to deeper and continued conversations about things that matter in the new year. 

Blessings,

Chris

Leave a comment | posted in Youth Ministry

December 3, 2012

The Functionality of Sin

By CotF Admin

ducttapeTraditional youth ministry training didn’t really prepare me for the acute problems my kids were showing up with at our youth ministry. I got into to youth ministry because the first time I walked into a youth ministry gathering I felt a connection, a calling to speak into their lives. I wanted desperately to impact their lives for the Kindgom. The typical fare in most youth ministry training programs is maybe a psych 110 class or an adolescent development overview but very little in the way of preparing me to minister effectively to them. Take Whitney, a 15 year old high school sophomore who had recently been hospitalized for depression, self-injury and suicidal ideation. When she was brought to our youth group by one of our “professional evangelism daters” we just weren’t sure what to do in order to walk with her and her family through the next couple of years. This started us on a journey of seeking to understand these fringe issues (which really aren’t fringe any longer), to be better equipped to love these kids that God was sending us. We believed we were called to be good stewards of the kids He sent us and that meant pulling our head out of the sand, rolling up our sleeves and getting our hands dirty.
Sin is such a complex issue, everything from understanding what it is to what it isn’t, to what are the systemic causes of it, to how we deal with the fallout of sin, to how we put programs in place to create an environment that not only discourages sin but fosters the belief that everyone, EVERYONE, is a child of God and treated accordingly.

Dr. Brene` Brown, in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power explains her research on the subject of shame as a study on the power of connection and the dangers of disconnection. When one considers the process to the product that is a sinful individual we must first understand that our primary drive is to be connected. God first existed in community and we are created in Their image, aren’t we? The longing to belong serves many purposes; survival, fulfillment, success, and procreation. Growing up as blank slates our families, environments, and culture shape how we “learn” to connect. We are taught skills and styles of connecting to others. Sometimes these means are healthy and affirming, and God honoring, placing God at the helm and others accordingly. Other times we are not taught healthy ways of connecting. We are taught that violence, aggression, manipulation and other illegitimate means are what are necessary to get what you need and want.

When we are not affirmed as worthy of being connected to others we learn to see ourselves as deficient, broken, not valuable, insignificant, etc., but our need for connection doesn’t leave us, we simply learn other ways to get what we need.

If this is done well, as God first intended, then it significantly increases the likelihood of having generations of people who choose to enter into a relationship with Him, just as He ordained from the beginning of time.
When this doesn’t go as God intended the opposite result is the outcome. Brokenness in God’s creation exists. God’s children all fighting and pining instead of cooperating to satisfy the deepest longings of their heart. Longings placed in them to direct them to God and each other, in that order. We experience sin and its collateral damage when we invert that order, placing me and others before our relationship with God the Father.

This is where sin becomes functional. Sin becomes a means to an end. For a long time we have demonized our sinful youth as just giving in to their hedonic nature. What if there was more going on than just simple pleasure seeking? What is we began to ask the question, “What purpose does sin have?”. Would this change the way we approach our youth and their sinful behaviors? What if we started having conversations about other ways, more God-honoring ways, to meet the deepest longings of their hearts? What if we spoke the language of their heart and longings? What if we told them of a God who can satisfy these longings in real ways, so that it is God’s love that draws them not the fear of Him. What if we created space in our homes and gathering places where youth felt they belonged and mattered? If we could do this, with the help of the Spirit, would they drop their cheap substitute (sin) for the real deal (God)? What do we have to lose?

5 comments | posted in Addiction, Adolescent Development, Anxiety, Bullying, Depression, Drug Abuse, Eating Disorders, LGBTQ Youth, Mental Health, Pornography, Self-Injury, Spirituality, Substance Abuse, Suicide, Technology, Teen Dating Violence, Teens, Youth Ministry

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