Category Archives: systemic abandonment

May 15, 2013

Criminal Youth and Injuries Unseen

By CotF Admin

criminalCriminality is often the result of a consistent pattern of distorted thinking errors (forgetting the Imago Dei in everyone and listening to the lies of the enemy) that results in irresponsible and hurtful behavior. One of the most common errors in thinking is the failure to consider injury to others.

As a general rule, young people (and many adults) do not consider the effect of their actions on others. Brief moments of guilt or remorse are quickly replaced with feelings of being a victim themselves or self-righteousness for the harm they have caused. When offenders express what appears as sincere regret, careful examination will show that these overtures are typically used to tell others what they want to hear.  They are often more sorry they were caught than remorseful for harm they have caused by their actions. 

Congruent with failing to consider injury to others, youth involved in criminal behaviors also don’t consider themselves bad people. The drug dealer will argue he isn’t forcing anyone to buy drugs. The drug addict will claim she isn’t hurting anyone but herself. The violent or aggressive individual will say he didn’t mean to hurt anyone and the thief will say she has to make a living somehow.  When adolescents with criminal thinking heed the advice of scripture and can honestly think about the injury they have caused, they begin to change their distorted sense of self worth and align it with the Imago Dei. They can then more accurately conclude that they are a victimizer more than a victim and have deeply harmed others.  They can do so because the faith community lives and dies by grace and mercy, seeking to restore people with their God and those around them.

Replacing the thinking error of failing to consider injury to others involves becoming aware of the full impact of abusive and criminal behavior.  It is important that one not only look at legally defined criminal behavior, but also examine irresponsible actions such as lying, deceit, conning, game playing, vindictiveness, and other tactics. For lasting change to occur it is essential that these students go beyond immediate injury and consider the “ripple effect.”  For example, in the case of property theft, consideration should be made regarding the crime’s affect on the business owner’s attitude, feelings, friends and family.

The effect on the offender’s attitude, friends and family should also be explored along with the ripple effect of the crime in relation to property values, feelings of safety, insurance rates, and a host of other consequences. The purpose of this activity is to aid the young person in developing, expanding and sustaining a moral conscience by aligning it with the Holy Spirit. God gives us the gift of guilt but it is only of value if it is used to break our heart of undesirable behavior and develop a sensitive, well formed conscience that is in sync with the Father’s. Criminally-minded youth do have a conscience but render it inoperative through repeated patterns of corrosion and dissociation. Feelings of guilt and remorse are corroded and thoughts about the impact of their behavior are cut off.

Regularly and thoughtfully contemplating injury to others helps redevelop the criminal conscience and strengthens it for deterring insensitive and criminal acts in the future.  This is only effective if there is an abundance of grace awaiting them when they are ready to let go of their criminal behaviors and they are only likely to do this if there is an open and loving community expressing the love and restorative mission of the Father.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Addiction, Bullying, Drug Abuse, narcissism, systemic abandonment, Teens

March 20, 2013

Being Good News to LGBTQ Students

By CotF Admin

Adolescence is a time of significant physical and psychosocial development.  As youth develop, they are typically informed by and supported by their peers.  Experimentation, exploration, and risk characterize adolescence, and many engage in high-risk behaviors during this time.  Beyond the impulsive, risk-taking nature of adolescents their budding identity is being shaped as well.  This is often a difficult and exciting time of exploration but can be even more difficult for a self-identified LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, Questioning) adolescent.  While all teens are at risk to some degree, LGBTQ students are at a higher risk by the very nature of their orientation. 

The following are just some of the reasons that LGBTQ youth are at a higher risk than the average student:

Alcohol and Drug Use in LGBTQ Youth

LGBTQ youth use alcohol and drugs for many of the same reasons as their heterosexual peers: to experiment and assert their independence, to relieve tension, to increase feelings of self-esteem and adequacy, and to self-medicate for underlying depression or other mood disorders.  However, LGBTQ youth may be more vulnerable as a result of the need to hide their sexual identity and the ensuing social isolation.  As a result, they may use alcohol or drugs to deal with stigma and shame, to deny same-sex attraction/feelings, or to help them cope with ridicule and antigay violence.

Stigma, Identity, and Risk

LGBTQ students have the same developmental tasks as their heterosexual peers, but they also face additional challenges in learning how to manage a stigmatized identity.  This extra burden puts LGBTQ youth at increased risk for substance abuse and unprotected sex and can intensify psychological distress and risk for suicide.  This is even more true when there are compounding intersections such as; being a minority, having a disability, etc.

Abuse and Homelessness

LGBTQ youth are at a high risk for antigay violence such as bullying (which is really peer assault and harassment), verbal, emotional, and social abuse.  Antigay attacks heighten an adolesent’s feelings of vulnerability, intensifies their inner conflict, and typically drives them further into isolation, reinforcing their sexual identity.

Homelessness is a particular concern for LGBTQ youth, because many teens may run away as a result of harassment and abuse from family members or peers who disapprove of the sexual orientation.  Still others may be thrown out of the home when their parents learn they are gay.  Like their heterosexual peers, LGBTQ homeless and runaway youth have many health and social problems, including mental health problems, high risk for suicide, and STDs (including being at high risk for HIV/AIDS).

*excerpts taken from SAMHSA: A Providers Instruction to Substance Abuse Treatment for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Individuals

So my question is this…How can the church (and our youth ministries) be Good News to these precious kids that are at such a high risk?

 

4 comments | posted in Adolescent Development, Anxiety, Bullying, Drug Abuse, LGBTQ Youth, Mental Health, Substance Abuse, Suicide, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry, Youth With Disabilities

March 11, 2013

Credibility in Youth Ministry

By CotF Admin

honestyWe all know youthworkers who have lost credibility with their students.  We often pass judgment on them and know personally what we would have done differently.  However, what makes a youthworker credible in an teenager’s eyes may be different from what a youthworker thinks will make them credible.  Credibility is often confused with trustworthiness and likeability, with the youthworker more concerned with with being liked than respected.  But teens are smart consumers, and they know the difference between authentic adults and those just trying to sell a product.

 We want to look at the ways adults in youth ministry often lose credibility with the students in their ministry.  Usually the intentions are good, but sometimes the outcomes of our ministry efforts are not.  Adults in general can try to hard, control too much, or pretend something is working when it clearly in not, and this is typically because they don’t know what else to do. 

Craving the Teen’s Approval

For some of us the validation we receive from the teens we serve can be a powerful experience.  Many of us involved in youth work are there because we had a particular experience in our own adolescence.  For some of us, it is an opportunity to return the favor and investment made on our behalf.  It is a chance to make a difference in the lives of the youth in our community and we have a sense of calling and/or obligation to do this. 

For others though, it may be a more pathological motivation.  I have met, on more than one occasion, the youth worker who is trying to re-live their teenage years vicariously through the students they minister to.  This is an insidious and often beneath the surface drive but is none-the-less real.  It plays out like this; I didn’t get validation from my peers during my formative years so now I am living that out in ministry and trying to gain their approval today, as if my intrinsic worth is tied up in their opinion of me. 

This typically results in shallow ministry fruit because the goal, intended or unintended, is not spiritual growth but personal validation from the students to the adult.  This does not mean that God won’t use an person’s past hurts in ministry today but if these hurts cloud your ability to see things clearly then the individual may do more harm than good.

Being too Cautious

As a result of seeking the student’s approval the youth worker must then measure everything that said to the youth.  This is much like a couple’s first date.  The individual does not want to say or do anything that would reflect poorly on them and end the chances of future endeavors. 

This can occur in ministry as well.  During the early stages of rapport building this is quite understandable but as time goes on trust and trustworthiness should develop.  These two things cannot develop is one party has an ulterior motive.  Also, once the relationship does develop it is difficult for the youth worker to speak challenging truth into the lives of their students for fear of losing their affirmation.  A wise man told me once that I should “love people enough to tell them the truth”.  This can’t be done if one can not remain objective.

Heaven’s Reward Fallacy

Rainbows, Pixies, Jelly Beans, and the Warm Fuzzies are not the substance of (most) teenagers lives.  Often, we sell them a fantasy world that says, “If you just accept Jesus then everything magically gets better!”  Ta-Da!  The quickest way to lose credibility, and therefore your influence, is to pull a bait-and-switch regarding what it means to follow Jesus.

Trying too Hard

Sometimes we can try way too hard to convince the students that they need Jesus.  I know that sounds antithetical to what we’re trying to do but kids can tell when the experiences they have with us are more about us meeting an objective that genuinely loving them.  Sometimes we need them to believe because we are the ones that doubt.  It’s like them coming to believe in Jesus validates our own faith.  This can be dangerous to both the students and us.  A faith that is built on “sand” is shakey at best and the damage it can do to the budding, young faith of a student is very real.  We must get this in check.

I’m Stumped

Lastly, we lose credibility when we try to be the expert on all things.  There is nothing so apparent to teens than a know-it-all youth worker.  We mask the fact that we don’t know the answers and kids can pick it up in our voice, our choice of words, body language, eye contact, and the stammer in our speech.  Our attempts to cover this unknowing only reduces our credibility and makes the situation worse.

This list in not even close to being exhaustive.  We should constantly be aware of those practices that erode our influence over our students.  It is our belief that students are looking for credible adult guides to lead them out of the wilderness of adolescence.  Teens will usually follow those worth following and their loyalty remains for many years after they leave our ministries.  Are you leading in such a way that you keep up a strong level of credibility?  Are you leading and serving in a way that young people know you are trustworthy of following?  And if you are, who is it you are pointing them toward?

1 comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Adolescent Development, extended adolescence, Misc., Spirituality, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry

January 28, 2013

The Power of Permission in Youth Ministry

By CotF Admin

permission grantedThe first time I learned about the validation that comes with giving someone permission to experience their reality came when I was 10 years old.  I was regularly invited to sleep over at my friend Joel’s house.  I suffered horribly from being homesick when I was younger.  It was often a source of ridicule from peers and a source of shame from within.

On this particular evening Joel had invited me to come stay the night.  I considered not even going to avoid the shame of Joel’s parents calling my mom at eleven o’clock at night to come pick me up.  But the virtual Disneyland playground in Joel’s backyard beckoned me to come and I had brought my laser weapon, for my role was always that of Han Solo.  Joel was Luke Skywalker and we would fight the clone army to save our beloved Princess Leia.  I had to go, so I mustered up the courage to try again.

I walked up to the door with my mom in tow on a Friday evening after school, and waited for what always happened.  I waited for my friend’s mom to tell me how much fun I was going to have that evening, and for the pressure of her promise to me that I’d never get homesick at their house.  I was sure I would disappoint.

But Joel’s mom did something different this time.  She brought me into the house, turned to my mother, and calmly said, “Goodbye for now, I’ll probably be seeing you later tonight.”  I stared up at this brilliant woman who had become the first person ever to give me permission to be homesick.  And because I walked around all evening thinking to myself that I could get homesick any time I wanted, and that it would be okay and even expected, I never once felt it come on.  I stayed at Joel’s for the first time and mom got to stay at home.

Permitting someone ownership of the his or her beliefs, impulses, defenses, and their consequences in your presence, without applying any pressure on the person to change, is a powerful phenomenon for encouraging the very change never asked for.  It’s a concept that Carl Roger’s coined unconditional regard.  It is an active appreciation of one’s felt need to stay as they are even when negative consequences are apparent or severe.  Never manipulative, never designed specifically for change nor offered up in the spirit of contradictory restriction, the act of respecting individuals’ control over their being and the choices they make serves naturally to liberate them from the need to defend, broadcast, or otherwise impose these choices.   In the absence of fear and threat, an individual is freer to consider what is working and what isn’t, and make changes experienced as autonomous.

When I think about many of the strategies we’ve seen in youth ministry to “win souls” or “disciple” our students, I wonder how many of them actually CHOOSE Christ versus how many are simply pressured into conformity.  It should come as no surprise when they leave our nests that they don’t return.  I’m not implying that we shouldn’t call out the best of our students but too often our means doesn’t allow for an autonomous choice driven by an awareness that the old way of doing things isn’t working and the promises of God are compelling enough to let them go.  Let’s give kids permission to be who they really are and to validate their perspectives and feelings (regardless of whether they reflect current reality).  Maybe by doing this our kids will allow us the influence we want but usually try to take by force.

2 comments | posted in Adolescent Development, Family, Mental Health, Parenting, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry

October 17, 2012

The Three R’s of Bullying Interventions

By CotF Admin

The issue of bullying just doesn’t seem to be going away so today let’s talk about strategies to fix what bullying does.  The following would be a great resource to put in the hands of parents of your students.  It is also good kindling for discussion on reconciliation.

Restitution, Resolution, and Reconciliation 

If student was a follower/supporter of the bully: 

  1. Intervene immediately
  2. Provide a system of graceful accountability while allow natural consequences to occur
  3. Create opportunities to “do good”
  4. Nurture empathy
  5. Teach friendship skills – assertive, respectful, and peaceful ways to relate to others
  6. Monitor/Criticize/Converse about TV shows, movies, music, and video games that reinforce violence against others
  7. Engage in more constructive, entertaining, and energizing activities 

If your student hurt others through gossip: 

  1. apologize to the child who was harmed by the rumor
  2. go to everyone she told it to and tell them it wasn’t true
  3. ask them to stop spreading it
  4. ask them to let everyone they told that she was a part of spreading the rumor and that she wants to correct it
  5. to the best of her ability, repair any damage done to the target by the act of spreading the rumor
  6. take the next step of building a new and healthier relationship 

Three principles that foster moral independence: 

  1. Teach your student that he and only he is responsible for the consequences of his actions (kids who accept responsibility for their own actions are more likely to live up to their own moral code) 
  2. Build your student’s confidence in his or her ability to make good decisions (Kids who have confidence in their own judgments are not easily manipulated by others) 
  3. Teach your student how to evaluate reasons on his or her own (Kids who have confidence in their own ability to reason are more questioning and more resistant to passive acceptance of orders.)

reference: Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystanders by Barbara Coloroso

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Anxiety, Bullying, Depression, LGBTQ Youth, Parenting, Self-Injury, Sexual Abuse, Suicide, systemic abandonment, Teen Dating Violence, Teens, Youth Ministry, Youth With Disabilities

September 17, 2012

Youth Ministry 101 (Communication)

By CotF Admin

Efficient and clear communication is essential in the youth ministry world, whether it be between the Sr. Pastor and the Youth Pastor, student and volunteer, or between parents and youth workers.  Yet too often, we are not as aware as we coupld be of the skills of good communication.  Yes, we were trained in the art of speaking, preaching, and teaching but rarely are we taught how to listen well.

Good communication requires first of all quieting the the internal dialogue which often prevents us from listening clearly to others.  Particularly if we have a lot of negative or destructive ruminations swimming in our minds, we need to learn to still these internal voices.  When our internal world is quiet and calm, a balanced emotional awareness can develop and we are more able to see and hear others clearly.  We are also more likely to hear that small, still voice that guides us.

Next, we need to be able to listen.  Listening is a developed skill which requires practice and attention.  One of the keys to good listening is to avoid formulating a response until the person speaking is completely finished.  This is hard for us because we are training in the art of arguing our agenda.  If we are busy thinking of what we’re going to say next, we are probably not absorbing what the speaker is saying.  The next time you speak with a student or the Sr. Pastor, make a point of listening without reacting until they are finished speaking.  Then pause for a moment, take a deep breath, and let the other person know you have heard what they said before you proceed with your own feelings or opinions.  Repeating another person’s main messages for clarification is also useful.  You’ll be surprised sometimes at the difference between what you heard and what the speaker thought they said.  Discussing this can be very helpful.  In ministry, mistaken communication can come back to haunt you, so taking the time for clarification is very important.

Paying attention to nonverbal communication is just as important as listening carefully to verbal messages.  We communicate through our body language – gestures, eye movement, facial expressions, posture – just as much as through our words.  Good communicators know how to listen and respond to this nonverbal communication.  For instance, if a student assures you that things are going fine at home, but fidgets and looks nervously towards the door as they speak, you may want to gently inquire further about some of the specifics of the situation.  Make eye contact and use a gentle tone of voice when responding to these nonverbal clues.  Often a person expresses things through their body when they are uncomfortable articulating them openly.  If we remain calm and show respect for the student’s feeling, the student is more likely to feel that they can express their thoughts more directly.  Everyone benefits when communication is open and clear.

One final thought…when talking with others, as far as it’s possible by you, suspend immediate judgement whenever you can.  For example, a young teenage girl takes a huge risk by sharing with you that she cuts herself when she’s upset.  If you’re immediate response is to overreact and shame her or express disgust, you have effectively closed the door on the discussion.  She has just interpreted that as you cannot be trusted with sensitive information.  There will be a time to challenge certain beliefs and behaviors but keep the conversational door open long enough to establish trust and earn the opportunity to be heard.  The other person will be much more likely to hear what you have to say then.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , | posted in Adolescent Development, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry

September 20, 2011

Each Student is a Culture (art of connecting pt. 4)

By CotF Admin

The age of one-size-fits-all youth ministry is over.  It has to be.  We live in a dynamic time filled with diversity.  This is an exciting time to be in ministry to youth.  Our world is smaller than ever before.  Cultures are not only clashing but blending to create new expressions of culture.  In this new era of modern life(culture) context is king.

Think about your average youth group gathering.  Think about the different elements that are present in your group:

  • Countries of origin
  • Race and ethnicity
  • Religious background
  • Parenting styles that shaped them
  • Generational influences
  • Abilities and disabilities
  • Personality
  • Sexual orientation
  • Political leanings
  • Thinking styles
  • Values and beliefs
  • Style and tastes

Historically we would rush in with an attempt to connect with kids on our terms with our own personal culture leading the way (just a heads up, I’m pretty sure nobody listens to Petra anymore so don’t lead with that).  In other words, just like early missionaries did, we would try to strip them of their own culture and colonize them to be, think, look, and act just like us.  It’s no wonder they have gone underground.

Cultural Artifacts:

Instant digital music, iPods, YouTube videos, Facebook, etc.

What other cultural artifacts can you think of, as it relates to contemporary youth?

Values and Assumptions:

Individualism, consumerism, instant gratification, collaborations, cause-driven, tolerance, etc.

What other values and assumptions can you identify that are held by youth today?

Where did these values and assumptions come from?

Individual Personalities:

Jocks, emo, nerds, Queen Bee, bully, outgoing, shy, obnoxious, flirty, school spirit, etc.

What is the current dominant personality being presented by each individual student?

Is there a connection between the personality and behaviors? 

Often, all we see are the cultural artifacts and we base our own assumptions on these.

David Livermore, in his book Cultural Intelligence, says:

“When measuring your Cultural Intelligence, a few questions to ask yourself include:

  • Am I conscious of what I need to know about a culture that is unfamiliar to me?
  • Am I conscious of how my cultural background shapes the way I read the Bible?
  • Do I determine what I need to know about a culture before I interact with people from that culture?
  • Do I compare my previous ideas about a culture with what I actually experience during cross-cultural interactions?
  • Do I check for appropriate ways to talk about my faith in cross-cultural situations?”

Is it fair to expect that we should be intentionally asking ourselves these questions as it relates to working with youth today?  Can you image the amazing discussions you can have with your volunteers as you wrestle with these kinds of questions?

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Adolescent Development, emerging adults, extended adolescence, Spirituality, systemic abandonment, Technology, Teens, Youth Ministry

September 15, 2011

Expectations of our Youth (art of connecting pt. 3)

By CotF Admin

In an experiment, piranha were placed in a large tank separated from their food by a see through glass divider.  After several days of ramming their heads against the glass divider the piranha learned that it was a futile effort to try and get the food.

The glass divider was then removed yet they starved to death while swimming freely in a place where there was food available.  The piranha had learned that their efforts were useless and came to believe that their situation would never change so they just accepted the “reality” of their experience.

Youth are especially susceptible to limiting beliefs about themselves.  When we make assumptions about students based on externals (i.e., clothing, music, language, behaviors, etc.) we often reinforce those limiting beliefs that they hold or are told about themselves.

Think for a moment how this might impact how you approach a new student.  Think about your personal values and biases and how they impact the initial encounters with students you are trying to connect with.

Here are two scenarios illustrating this very idea:

1.  John - He shows up to your youth group on Sunday night with some of the other popular kids from your church.  He is wearing a football jersey and is relatively good looking.  He appears to be very outgoing and has an air of confidence about him.  You instantly like him and are drawn to him.  In your mind you envision him being a primary influencer of other students and hope to get him on board with being a peer leader.  You can see that potential within the first few minutes of meeting him.

2.  Sarah – She shows up wearing dark eyeliner, dark clothes, and her hair is dyed with blond, pink and black highlights.  He black cargo pants are too big and have babypins up and down on leg.  She wears lots of bracelets on her wrists and her shirt is a concert tee from the band Rise Against.  She moves slowly and doesn’t talk to a lot of other students.  She has writing on her hands and arms as well.  You assume she comes from a home where her parents don’t pay much attention to her (because who would let their kid leave the house looking like this, right?).  She’s probably a cutter, which means she’s probably been abused or at the very least is depressed.  This kid really needs Jesus and you will do your best to introduce her to the one that will make it all better.

These are pretty typical students to show up at youth group.  And our biases and values play an unwitting role in determining how we will interact with each of them.  Here’s what you don’t know:

1.  John – He sells prescription drugs he gets from doctors from an old football injury.  He sells his Vicodin to his friends so they can amplify their buzz while drinking.  He also steals the Vicodin from his mother’s purse when she’s asleep to buy alcohol with.  She sleeps so much because she has to work two jobs because John’s dad was recently layed-off and has been drinking to manage his depression.  His motive for coming to your youth group was to find new customers to sell his product to.  Nobody suspects him because he looks like the “All-American Boy” and is an athletic hero for your small community.

2.  Sarah – She has an intact family that is supportive and allows her to be expressive of her identity.  She is artistic and writes poetry, draws, and plays the piano.  He heart breaks for her friends and she wants nothing more than to see them come to youth group and find and follow Christ.  She has a prayer journal bigger than your bible and most of her prayers are for her hurting friends.  She volunteers at the Special Olympics because her younger brother has Downs Syndrome and she is passionate about helping others.  She sometimes feels alone but is usually emotionally secure.  People tend to avoid her because of how she looks and dresses.

Back to the piranha, when we respond to students, based on our perceptions, biases, values, and expectations there is the possibility that we will play a role in limiting who they were created to be.  If the case of John, people can unintentionally reinforce his sinful behavior by acting only on their assumptions that his is the “All-American Kid” and worthy of our praise.  The result is that John learns that all the bad stuff he is doing is ok so long as he continues to play the roles we want him to play.

In the case of misunderstood Sarah, it won’t be long before she submits to the preconceived ideas and expectations that other hold her to.  It’s hard for a solitary teenager to stand up underneath that kind of force, regardless of how supportive her family is.  Her joy and confidence will leak over time.

As we approach students in an effort to connect let’s check our biases and expectations at the door and just allow the students to be who they are, the good, the bad, and the ugly, because that is honest.  It is authentic.  It is transparent and it’s a great place to start.

  • What kinds of kids do you most naturally connect with?
  • What kinds of kids do you struggle to connect with?
  • What role, if any, do your personal biases play in how you interact with both kinds of students?
  • What would help you remain objective when first meeting a student?

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in systemic abandonment, Teens

September 14, 2011

Cultivating a Spirit of Learning (art of connecting pt. 2)

By CotF Admin

Immaculate was a foreign exchange student from Kampala, Uganda.  She was new to our country and culture.  When asked about how she felt when people noticed she was different she responded:

“It’s okay to ask.  People sometimes notice something special about me – my accent, the way I look – and that’s okay.  It’s just normal.  When they ask, they can learn from the things that are different.  If they don’t ask about it, I worry that they don’t like me.”

Kids can smell feigned interest like a fart in a car.  They sense genuiness like a sixth sense.  They know if you are truely interested in them and seem to be able to tell if you have an alterior motive for paying attention to them.  (we’ll address motives in a later blog)

Historically, many of the kids in our youth groups have felt like projects.  Projects that we were trying to fix.  We’ve long suspected this was the case but our focus groups support this theory.  One of the many reasons kids are dropping out during and afer high school is beause they don’t feel like the adults (or peer leaders) accepted them for who they really are just what they can do for them (bolster our attendance, serve on a project, increase our outreach efforts, etc.).  They often express feeling like they were a means to an end, like any information they gathered about a student was just to be used later to make them do something, even something determined “good”.

Youth workers are a curious lot to begin with but when we become curious about the students we interact with it communicates many things to them.  When we show interest, real interest, we are saying to them that they are interesting, important, valuable, worth my time, that they belong, that they matter and are wanted, that we are interested in their uniqueness, and that this is a safe place/space to be their true self as they explore the challenges of adolescence.

  • Have you ever had a conversation with a student that served no other purpose but to just know the kids better?
  • Do you know about your kid’s deepest longings, dream, hopes, fear, insecurities?
  • How can you move beyond questions like, “What’s your favorite video game?” to “Where in your life do you sense God moving in your life?
  • How do you cultivate a spirit of curiosity in your life, your volunteers, parents, and student leaders?

Curiosity is inherently friendly.  Because our attention is outwardly focused, curiosity sets us up to be successful in connecting with students and moving towards real authentic community.

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Adolescent Development, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry

September 8, 2011

Building Bridges (art of connecting pt. 1)

By CotF Admin

One of the Apostle Paul’s most famous speeches took place at Mars Hill, the Areopagus, in Athens.  He noted that they appeared to be a very religious lot of people due to the sheer number of statues they had to their gods.  In a brilliant move he identified the one statue that was for the “unknown” god and he saw his bridge.  Paul then launched into his epic sermon about the “unknown” God and described our Father to the Greeks.  He masterfully used a technique called bridge building to connect with his audience.

Kids today are completely enmeshed in pop culture.  We could, and should be aware of what is shaping our youth today and much of what we see and hear impacts them more than we know.  But I’m not simply talking about knowing what the newest Katy Perry song is blazing up the charts, what I’m talking about is building a bridge with a language of the soul.

In order to connect with young people they first have to know that you’re interested and trustworthy.  They are most likely already suspicious of adults anyway.  Too often we have an agenda for them and they know that.  It’s what drives them underground many times.  What we’re talking about here is a fundamental belief that we have something in common with the young people we love and hope to reach.

If we say things like, “Teens today are just so much more _________ than we were.” or “Kids today are just lazy and apathetic.” we create distance between us and them.  If we fail to see that they have the same longings that drove us then and drive us now there will be no bridge to walk across.  All we will have to work with is a shallow relationship and all the change we’re likely to affect is shallow compliance to an empty belief system.  We have to find common ground and that common ground should be our shared humanity.

In his ground breaking book Hurt: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers, Chap Clark identifies six intrinsic longings of all students.  Those longings are: to belong, to matter, to be wanted, to be uniquely ourselves, for a safe place, and to be taken seriously.  Who among us can’t relate to those longings?  I work with drug addicted emerging adults.  Daily they express to me their desire to satisfy those very longings and that much of their behavior was an attempt to do just that.

After some small talk I usually ask a student where in their life do they feel they belong.  Where do they and what do they do that makes them feel like they matter?  Who takes you seriously?  Where are the safest places for you to just be yourself?  These are the questions that matter to students even if they don’t have the language to articulate them.

What the Apostle Paul did was provide an opportunity for those in the crowd to have their longings satisfied in a permanent manner by depending on the One true God.  A civilization that worships everything is an empty civilization desperately searching for meaning.  They apparently hadn’t found that in the many false gods they worshipped.

We have the same opportunity to connect the kids in our community to the very God that Paul preached about to the Greeks but first we must take to time to build a bridge by learning about them and their longings.  There is ALWAYS a bridge and it’s up to us to find it.

Leave a comment | posted in Addiction, Adolescent Development, Depression, drug prevention, emerging adults, extended adolescence, LGBTQ Youth, Mental Illness, Parenting, Spirituality, Suicide, systemic abandonment, Teens, Youth Ministry, Youth With Disabilities

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,035 other followers

%d bloggers like this: