I came across this article from the Search Institute that is an update on their research of developmental relationships. The Search Institute adopted the term developmental relationships to describe the broader conception of relationships that are defined by the close connection between a young person and an adult or peer that powerfully and positively shapes the young person’s identity and helps the young person develop a thriving mindset. A thriving mindset is one that is focused on more than just surviving and is flourishing, thriving.
The Search Institute has created a Developmental Relationship Framework that is based on qualitative and quantitative research regarding developmental assets and focuses on making a positive impact in young people’s lives. I can’t help but think of the possible impact this research has on how we build relationships with youth in our homes, ministries, and communities as it relates to spiritual formation. There are 20 identified actions that make a relationship developmental. They are organized into the framework listed below:
Express CARE: Show that you like me and want the best for me.
- Be present – pay attention when you are with me.
- Be warm – let me know that you like being with me and express positive feelings toward me.
- Invest – Commit time and energy to doing things for and with me.
- Show interest – Make it a priority to understand who I am and what I care about.
- Be dependable – Be someone I can count on and trust.
CHALLENGE Growth: Insist that I try to continuously improve.
- Inspire – Help me see future possibilities for myself.
- Expect – Make it clear that you want me to live up to my potential.
- Stretch – Recognize my thoughts and abilities while also pushing me to strengthen them.
- Limit – Hold me accountable for appropriate boundaries and rules.
Provide SUPPORT: Help me complete tasks and achieve goals.
- Encourage – Praise my efforts and achievements
- Guide – Provide practical assistance and feedback to help me learn.
- Model – Be an example I can learn from and admire.
- Advocate – Stand up for me when I need it.
Share POWER: Hear my voice and let me share in making decisions.
- Respect – Take me seriously and treat me fairly.
- Give voice – Ask for and listen to my opinions and consider them when you make decisions.
- Respond – Understand and adjust to my needs, interests, and abilities.
- Collaborate – Work with me to accomplish goals and solve problems.
Expand POSSIBILITIES: Expand my horizons and connect me to opportunities.
- Explore – Expose me to new ideas, experiences, and places.
- Connect – Introduce me to people who can help me grow,
- Navigate – Help me work through barriers that could stop me from achieving my goals.
Spend some time with other adults and youth to flesh out these ideas. Here are some questions to get you started. Hopefully they will lead to other questions and solutions.
Beyond just understanding the concepts of developmental relationships how can we create space for and strengthen these necessary relationships in our homes, ministries, and communities?
How can we identify systems that support or stand in the way of the building of developmental relationships?
What methods and activities can we create the help new or existing relationships move towards a developmental relationship?
How can we collaboratively work with other youth oriented entities to build developmental relationships?
Visit http://search-institute.org for more information on developmental assets and developmental relationships.
A juvenile offender’s home environment is often not helpful for encouraging adherence to pro-social behaviors. Ministry partners would benefit greatly by seeking to understand the family dynamics of the individual you are trying to impact. Negative family dynamics take many forms. The juvenile offender may be the scapegoat for family problems, making his or her return to the home counterproductive. Also, other family members may be actively using drugs or involved in criminal activities.
Domestic violence and child abuse situations present additional issues, including the personal safety of family members. Training on handling abuse situations, including sign of abuse and mandated reporting laws in each state should be required of all who serve in ministry to youth.
Other areas of support that will require attention are basic needs such as education/vocational support, housing, substance abuse treatment, identity development, financial concerns, and peer social networks.
Youth ministries and the church as a whole are equipped to address all these concerns and more when they are connected to the community, invested in families, and are willing to take Spirit led risks to do ministry outside the box.
What ways have your ministries been creative in meeting the needs of juvenile offenders who are trying to turn their lives around?
Anyone who has worked with you learned very quickly that unless the young person wants to change they very likely won’t change. At best you might get some shallow compliance with whatever expectations we have for them but the change is not real and is short lived. This awareness is a key factor when working and ministering to juvenile offenders. Our efforts are likely to be ineffective until the individual accepts the need for real transformation to occur.
A juvenile offender’s motivation to participate in programs perceived to be trying to “change” the individual will be seen as not trustworthy and they will be skeptical that our intentions are good. Too often this population is motivated by fear of consequences (i.e., jail, sanction, threats, loss, etc.) and not compelled by grace and love. In reality, both are needed to bring about transformation. It was God’s wrath and subsequent grace that compels us in our own transformation, empowered by the indwelling Spirit.
Motivation for help changes over time, and offenders can often cycle through predictable stages of change during their engagement with our programs. The Stages of Change was developed by Prochaska to describe the various stages of motivation, and includes the following:
- Precontemplation (unaware of problems – denial)
- Contemplation (awareness of problems)
- Preparation (decision point)
- Action (active behavior change)
- Maintenance (ongoing preventative behaviors)
Juvenile offenders who are in the precontemplative stage of change have little awareness of the problems they are facing and have little intention of changing their behavior. Awareness of problems grow in later stages often leading to intrinsic motivation to change, However, due to the high rate of recidivism and environmental and pro-criminal influence the young person may not move in a linear manner through the various stages, often returning to an earlier stage before eventually seeing a more permanent change in attitude and behavior.
So what does this mean for us serving juvenile offenders in ministry settings? It means that sometimes our expectations are not realistic for the stage of change that the youth is in. If we were able to recognize there level of motivation and meet them where they’re at we may be able to influence them towards the next stage. Imagine this, on a scale from 0 – 5, zero = criminal behavior and 5 = pro-social/God-honoring behavior, do we not expect the young person to jump from 0 – 5 immediately? How realistic is that? In reality most people change like this, 0 – 1 – 2 – 1 – 2 – 3 – 3 – 2 – 4 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 5 – 5 – 4 – 5 – 5 – 5 – 5…You get the point.
Meeting a young person where they are at means having a long view. It means that for the moment, we may find ourselves tolerating certain attitudes, language, and behaviors until real change can occur. This allows grace to have its way in the heart of the offender.
Take a moment and think of the student your working with and try to determine what stage of change they might be in. Now ask yourself if you need to adjust your strategies to meet him/her where they’re at.
Evaluating your ministries role in addressing recidivism among juvenile offenders is of critical importance to those attempting to reintegrate into the community. Characteristics and environmental factors used to estimate the likelihood of future criminal behavior are called “risk factors”.
Once these risk factors are identified, research leads us to believe that structured and concentrated strategies can help individuals who have offended previously. Researchers have identified several potential interventions based on these following risk factors:
- Developing and nurturing life management, problem solving, and self-leadership skills
- Developing networks with or relationships and bonding with pro-social and anti-criminal peers and with pro-social and anti-criminal mentors
- Enhancing closer family feelings and communication
- Improving and strengthening positive family systems to promote accountability
- Managing and changing anti-social thoughts, attitudes, and feelings.
What a tremendous opportunity for the church to step up and be the incarnate Christ to a population of people who are largely discarded as useless and of no value, irredeemable.
What ministries exist in your church that addresses the needs above?
What ministries need to be created to address the above needs?
Youth incarcerated in juvenile detention centers are undergoing significant stress related to arrest, the uncertainties of their legal issues, and the potential loss of freedom, trust, respect of family and community, and future dreams. Effective ministry to these individuals should be based on the expected duration of the sentence (30 days vs. 1 year) but should also be focused more on the transition out of incarceration and reintegration back into the community. The better this transition is the greater the likelihood that the youth will not recidivate back into illegal behaviors.
SAMHSA Substance Abuse Treatment for Individuals in the Criminal Justice System identifies the following key factors to consider when helping an individual coming out of incarceration:
- Substance use history
- Motivation for change
- Treatment history
- Criminal thinking tendencies
- Current offenses
- Prior charges/convictions
- Age of first offense
- Type of offenses (violent vs. non-violent, sexual, etc.)
- Number of offenses
- Prior successful completion of probation/parole
- History of personality disorders (unlikely if under 18 years of age)
- Infectious disease (TB, hepatitis, STD, HIV, etc.)
- General health
- Acute conditions
- Suicidality/History of suicidal behavior
- Any diagnosis of MH
- Prior treatment/counseling and outcomes
- Current/Past medication
- Education level
- Reading level/Literacy
- Language/Cultural barriers
- Disabilities (physical, intellectual, learning, etc.)
- Family issues
- History of abuse (victim and/or perpetrator)
- Other service providers (counselor, probation officer, social worker, etc.)
This is a long list of issues that require attention. Remember, you are not alone in service this youth. Partner with others that are investing as well. Establish open communication between you and the others so you do not unintentionally work against each other. Have the other providers come do trainings for you and your staff so that you can better understand the complexities involved in serving juvenile offenders. The more you can work together with the community the greater the odds are that your youth will overcome the obstacles they are facing.
What are ways you have partnered with individuals attempting to reintegrate after returning from incarceration?
Are there special considerations for juvenile offenders vs. young adults?
How have you been successful in engaging resistant families?
Shame and stigma are difficult barriers for juvenile offenders to rise above after an arrest or in making the transition between incarceration and the community. Some of those barriers are juvenile peers that have pro-criminal attitudes and reinforce the criminal behavior/thinking as well as there being no clear pathway from juvenile criminal behavior to responsible, pro-social behaviors as an adult.
One effective approach to rising above this stigma involves encouraging ex-offenders to become active as a volunteer in support of community activities. Providing an opportunity for individuals to make a positive contribution to the community – to “give back” – may reduce feelings of alienation and build empathy and positive self-regard, paving the way to a life that has been restored.
If you serve in ministry, there are youth all around you that are engaged in criminal behaviors. Regardless of the reasons for their behaviors, we are called to “put on the flesh of Christ” and pursue them.
How might your ministry create opportunities that could lead to restoration for these youth between themselves, their communities, and God?
Ok, this is a lengthy post today but one we felt was needed. Too often kids get a bad rap because they are resistant to engage in the life of our ministry. Hear me on this…IT’S NOT ALWAYS THEIR FAULT. There are many variable that contribute to a student becoming a part of a faith community. I see this in counseling and I see it in “Big Church” as well. Let’s dissect why students are resistant and what we can do about it.
Ethan came to our youth ministry every Sunday and Wednesday. He came only because his parents made him attend. Ethan was an over-churched kid who went to the local Christian high school. He grew up in church and his dad was an elder and his mom taught Sunday school for as long as he could remember.
Whitney did not grow up in church. She was only coming because of our “evangelism daters” had convinced her to go with him. She was uninterested but came because she really liked Jake. She was emotionally distant and often snickered when another student would share openly about something they wanted prayer for.
Carissa was a wild child. She was ADHD and ran on caffeine from the minute she woke up until the moment of the inevitable crash later into the night. She was disruptive and impulsive. Carissa loved to show up late so she could make an entrance and equally loved getting attention from the boys in the youth group.
These three students have something in common; they were all very difficult to engage in the spiritual life and practices of our youth community. In spite of many attempts to get these kids under control or to peak their interest they remained stagnant and distance with their heels dug in.
It seems so obvious years later, but we learned that spiritual growth can’t occur unless a student is first engaged in a spiritual community. Most students show up at youth group or church for the first time with a combination of issues and often are on the defensive and initially resistance to change. Every student we encounter is a product of a process that has been going on in their lives that impacts how they connect and open up to others. Let’s look at some of the reason why a student might be resistant to our efforts to engage them:
They are forced to go: Many students are only there because their parents are making them go. This is not the kind of “soil” in which growth can occur. If we’re honest we’d say there are quite a few kids that fit into this category. This mandate automatically sets up resistance.
Lack of motivation to change: The great majority of young people who come to youth ministries are ambivalent about whether or not the want to stop their “sin”. Most aren’t even sure what sin really is, let alone whether they are prepared to surrender it to a God they know very little or nothing about.
Discomfort opening up in front of peers/strangers: From the perspective of the student, youth ministry can be a strange experience. It is so different than anything else they experience in their world. Often the youth leader knows something about them (because of their friends) but they know very little about the youth leader and the world of youth ministry. In addition, youth ministry thrives when its members are vulnerable and transparent, both pre-requisites for change and growth. This also creates discomfort for students to open up to a room of virtual strangers or even worse, give their closest friend ammo to use against them later.
Multiple life stressors = Spiritual growth not a priority: A combination of family stress, school commitments, relationship challenges, identity struggles, brain development, physical changes, mental health concerns and a host of other stressors can push spiritual growth down on the list of urgent needs to address.
Difficult emotions to manage: There are myriad emotions that accompany being an adolescent, including anger, rage hostility, flat affect, depression, apathy, and hopelessness as well as love, excitement, fear, exhilaration, and freedom. Likewise, there is distorted thinking to combat, such as; the imaginary audience, grandiosity, catastrophic thinking, minimizing risk, failure to see long term consequences, desire for immediate gratification, and a sense of entitlement. All of these make engaging a young person like walking through a minefield.
Initial ministry approaches that increase resistance: There are a number of ministry approaches that, when scrutinized, would reveal that they actually decrease a student’s engagement. At best the drive the kids toward shallow compliance, acting and saying the right things but not actually changing hearts. This is like cleaning the outside of the cup but not the inside. These approaches are aggressively confrontational and leave the student feeling defensive or shamed, they lack empathy, warmth, genuineness, and focuses exclusively on what students are doing wrong to the neglect of what they are doing right or have to offer.
Unresolved grief/trauma: Painful emotions connected to loss or trauma can make engagement difficult due to the anxious nature of both conditions. Fear of abandonment or exploitation can lead to a student leaving the group and never returning (early termination). There is fear that the community it not safe or may trigger the trauma or grief.
Cross-cultural tension: All ministries are cross-cultural because of issues related to race, gender, religious backgrounds, sexual orientation, age, and so forth. Tension can exist in the context of ministry and can be barriers to establishing a relationship between the ministry (people) and student (people).
Negative prior YM/Church experiences: Students who have previously attend church or youth ministry will bring with them preconceived notions about what they can expect. If they had negative experiences they will likely filter your ministry through that lens, potentially tainting the new experience.
Adolescence: Adolescence by its very nature is a journey to autonomy, making young people resistant to engaging adults. In addition, many adolescents do not believe that sin is problematic. Many simply think they are behaving normally and that it is normal to drink, party, have sex, etc.
Evan eventually began to engage and share his gifts and strengths with the group. He entered into a mentoring relationship with Art and discovered he had leadership skills. When Ethan went off to college he became a leader at his campus ministry and now leads dozens of other students as they seek to grow in their faith.
Tiffany, as it turns out had a recent suicide attempt and regularly engaged in self-injury. She had difficulties trusting others due to trauma she experienced as a child. She found hope and healing through a mentoring relationship with Jillian who taught her how to love and be loved. She is married today and lives a whole life.
Candice has settled down, SOME. She was able to discover her heart bled for orphans after the youth group went through the 30 Hour Famine. Her heart was wrecked by the overwhelming need she saw in the kids. She finished high school and became involved in the organization International Justice Mission that her mentor Trudy told her about. She is currently in school working on a degree in International Law and intends to devote he life work to freeing captives in the sex trade and bringing justice to the oppressors.
Engaging students in an important skill youth workers must have if they are to be effective in impacting the world through the students they are called to reach. Before we can invite them into the redemptive kingdom work God has for them they first need to be engaged in a community that will equip them for such work.
So what are some strategies for engaging resistant students…
Hospitality has to be a high priority: We must invest our resources in creating a culture of hospitality. Students are more likely to let their guard down when they enter a warm, friendly environment. This includes everything from how we train our volunteers and student leaders to the décor of our meeting spaces. We lose a lot of kids within the first few minutes after they walk through our doors.
Focus on what the students have to offer: Many students feel like they are failing at life. Many reel like this faith thing is simply too complicated for them to engage. If they feel they serve a purpose and that the community is incomplete without them, they are more likely to feel valued.
Explore and validate past ministry experiences: Admittedly, the church wounds people. There is a chance that some of your students have been hurt by the body of Christ. If this is the case we increase the likelihood that those students will engage in our ministries if we validate their experiences and feel like someone takes them serious. You do not have to run down the other youth ministry but a simple acknowledgement of pain or betrayal is often more than enough.
Match levels of spiritual interest with appropriate ministry expectations: Like we mentioned earlier, most student are ambivalent about changing. When we put them directly into intense discipleship situations we end up with a mismatch of motivation and expectations. Having various points of entry for all students regardless of where they are in their walk will allow the students to experience your ministry without adding more pressure to a young person who is already overwhelmed with the rest of their life.
Minimize confrontation: There is a time and a place to share the truth about someone’s choices and the consequences. That is a right that is earned first and timing is important. A student is more likely to listen to hard truth when you have invested the necessary time for them to know you care. It may be wise to tolerate certain behaviors until a healthy and appropriate trust is established. Once this occurs the relationship will be more likely to withstand the tension of confrontation because love and trust has already been established.
Engage the student in their spiritual growth plan: Another reason students are resistant is because they typically have very little input into their spiritual growth. Each student is created uniquely by God to connect with him in a unique way. There are multiple pathways to encounter God, such as; intellectual study, worship, community gatherings, being in nature, enjoying fellowship and relationships, and acts of service. Too often we create experiences that are born out of the youth leaders natural way of connecting but don’t necessarily lead to connection for the student. Individualized feedback from the student provides a personal investment and more buy-in.
Avoid power struggles: This will lead to an immediate decrease in student engagement if they come to believe that you are a power hungry, control freak. Remember each student has a right to chose or reject God and that right comes directly from God Himself. View the power struggle as a sign that maybe you need to take another approach with the student to try and engage him or her. Pay attention to non-verbal body language. Folded arms across the chest are often a sign of disinterest. Re-evaluate your strategy with this student and try again.
Avoid labeling student: Students are constantly in development. What you see before you is not what they will be some day. Be careful to avoid labeling them with title slike: He doesn’t care, she just wants attention, and they’ll never change. Grace will and should cover a multitude of sins.
Be aware of countertransference: By definition, countertransference involves negative reactions that youth workers have towards their students. Youth workers who have negative reactions to the students can contribute to those students’ resistance to youth ministry outreach. It is during these moments when we must search our hearts for the barriers that stands in the way of our being able to love this specific student. It may be as simple as a personality conflict or it may be deeper, this student may be unintentionally triggering a memory of a bad experience or relationship the youth worker has had in their past. Either way, these situations should be discussed with your supervisors and consulted with other volunteers to see who can step in and reach out to this particular student.
Maintain a sense of humor: It’s been said that the shortest distance between two people is laughter. Humor can reduce resistance in the most obstinate youth. When one individual is perceived to have the most power in a situation, humor can be the great equalizer, leaving both parties on equal footing. Humor can also make the leader more human in the eyes of the student. This requires some discernment as we can be too flip or crass or even hurtful if humor is not used appropriately. When used properly a well placed comment can make all the difference in the world.
How have you engaged those students that appear to be resistant? What strategies do you have built into your ministry that directly addresses this posture in students?
I recently finished reading a small yet powerful book titled, A Mind for God by James Emery White. As I thought through the personal implication of this book on my own spiritual life I couldn’t help but think about the following regarding youth growing up in today’s culture.
Emery White starts his book off with the idea that the god of this world assaults those living within it and is not without intellectual forces, which he arrays against the kingdom. Within this assault are four major ideas of which are critical to understand. I believe these to be of ultimate importance to those of us in youth ministry as well.
The basic idea of relativism is: What is true for you is true for you, and what is true for me is true for me. What is moral is dictated by a particular situation in light of a particular or social location. Moral values become a matter of personal opinion or private judgment rather than something grounded in objective truth.
To be autonomous is to be independent. Autonomous individualism maintains that each person is independent in terms of destiny and accountability. Ultimate moral authority is self-generated. In the end, we answer to no one but ourselves, for we are truly on our own. Our choices are ours alone, determined by our personal pleasure, and not by any higher moral authority.
The value of narcissistic hedonism is the classic “I, me, mine” mentality that places personal pleasure and fulfillment at the forefront of concerns. The “Culture of Narcissism” is concerned with a current taste for individual therapy instead of religion. The quest for personal well-being, health and psychic security has replaced the older hunger for personal salvation.
Reductive naturalism states that all that can be known within nature is that which can be empirically verified. What is real is only that which can be seen, tasted, heard, smelled or touched and then verified, meaning able to be replicated through experimentation. Knowledge is “reduced” to this level of knowing. If it cannot be examined in a tangible, scientific manner, it is not simply unknowable but meaningless.
- Which of the above do you struggle with the most in your own personal journey?
- Which of the above do you see most in the kids in your youth ministry?
- How do we collectively address these issues in our own lives and the lives of our youth?
Schemas — What They Are
A schema is an extremely stable, enduring negative pattern that develops during childhood or adolescence and is elaborated throughout an individual’s life. We view the world through our schemas. When one does not learn a healthy theology and understanding of who they are in Christ, these schemas take root where theology should live.
Schemas are important beliefs and feelings about oneself and the environment which the individual accepts without question. They are self-perpetuating, and are very resistant to change. For instance, children who develop a schema that they are incompetent rarely challenge this belief, even as adults. The schema usually does not go away without therapy. Overwhelming success in people’s lives is often still not enough to change the schema. The schema fights for its own survival, and, usually, quite successfully.
It’s also important to mention the importance of needs in schema formation and perpetuation. Schemas are formed when needs are not met during childhood and then the schema prevents similar needs from being fulfilled in adulthood. For instance a child whose need for secure attachments is not fulfilled by his parents may go for many years in later life without secure relationships while seeking maladaptive ways (often sinful but functional) to satisfy his or her longings.
Even though schemas persist once they are formed, they are not always in our awareness. Usually they operate in subtle ways, out of our awareness. However, when a schema erupts or is triggered by events, our thoughts and feelings are dominated by these schemas. It is at these moments that people tend to experience extreme negative emotions and have dysfunctional thoughts.
There are eighteen specific schemas. Most individuals have at least two or three of these schemas, and often more. A brief description of each of these schemas is provided below.
This schema refers to the belief that one’s primary emotional needs will never be met by others. These needs can be described in three categories: Nurturance—needs for affection, closeness and love; Empathy—needs to be listened to and understood; Protection—needs for advice, guidance and direction. Generally parents are cold or removed and don’t adequately care for the child in ways that would adequately meet the above needs.
This schema refers to the expectation that one will soon lose anyone with whom an emotional attachment is formed. The person believes that, one way or another, close relationships will end eminently. As children, these individuals may have experienced the divorce or death of parents. This schema can also arise when parents have been inconsistent in attending to the child’s needs; for instance, there may have been frequent occasions on which the child was left alone or unattended to for extended periods.
This schema refers to the expectation that others will intentionally take advantage in some way. People with this schema expect others to hurt, cheat, or put them down. They often think in terms of attacking first or getting revenge afterwards. In childhood, these individuals were often abused or treated unfairly by parents, siblings, or peers.
This schema refers to the belief that one is isolated from the world, different from other people, and/or not part of any community. This belief is usually caused by early experiences in which children see that either they, or their families, are different from other people.
This schema refers to the belief that one is internally flawed, and that, if others get close, they will realize this and withdraw from the relationship. This feeling of being flawed and inadequate often leads to a strong sense of shame. Generally parents were very critical of their children and made them feel as if they were not worthy of being loved.
This schema refers to the belief that one is incapable of performing as well as one’s peers in areas such as career, school or sports. These individuals may feel stupid, inept or untalented. People with this schema often do not try to achieve because they believe that they will fail. This schema may develop if children are put down and treated as if they are a failure in school and other spheres of accomplishment. Usually the parents did not give enough support, discipline, and encouragement for the child to persist and succeed in areas of achievement, such as schoolwork or sport.
This schema refers to the belief that one is not capable of handling day-to-day responsibilities competently and independently. People with this schema often rely on others excessively for help in areas such as decision-making and initiating new tasks. Generally, parents did not encourage these children to act independently and develop confidence in their ability to take care of themselves.
Vulnerability to Harm and Illness
This schema refers to the belief that one is always on the verge of experiencing a major catastrophe (financial, natural, medical, criminal, etc.). It may lead to taking excessive precautions to protect oneself. Usually there was an extremely fearful parent who passed on the idea that the world is a dangerous place.
This schema refers to a pattern in which you experience too much emotional involvement with others – usually parents or romantic partners. It may also include the sense that one has too little individual identity or inner direction, causing a feeling of emptiness or of floundering. This schema is often brought on by parents who are so controlling, abusive, or so overprotective that the child is discouraged from developing a separate sense of self.
This schema refers to the belief that one must submit to the control of others in order to avoid negative consequences. Often these individuals fear that, unless they submit, others will get angry or reject them. Individuals who subjugate ignore their own desires and feelings. In childhood there was generally a very controlling parent.
This schema refers to the excessive sacrifice of one’s own needs in order to help others. When these individuals pay attention to their own needs, they often feel guilty. To avoid this guilt, they put others’ needs ahead of their own. Often individuals who self-sacrifice gain a feeling of increased self-esteem or a sense of meaning from helping others. In childhood the person may have been made to feel overly responsible for the well being of one or both parents.
This schema refers to the belief that you must suppress spontaneous emotions and impulses, especially anger, because any expression of feelings would harm others or lead to loss of self-esteem, embarrassment, retaliation or abandonment. You may lack spontaneity, or be viewed as uptight. This schema is often brought on by parents who discourage the expression of feelings.
This schema refers to the belief that whatever you do is not good enough, that you must always strive harder. The motivation for this belief is the desire to meet extremely high internal demands for competence, usually to avoid internal criticism. People with this schema show impairments in important life areas, such as health, pleasure or self-esteem. Usually these individuals’ parents were never satisfied and gave their children love that was conditional on outstanding achievement.
This schema refers to the belief that you should be able to do, say, or have whatever you want immediately regardless of whether that hurts others or seems reasonable to them. You are not interested in what other people need, nor are you aware of the long-term costs to you of alienating others. Parents who overindulge their children and who do not set limits about what is socially appropriate may foster the development of this schema. Alternatively, some children develop this schema to compensate for feelings of emotional deprivation or defectiveness.
This schema refers to the inability to tolerate any frustration in reaching one’s goals, as well as an inability to restrain expression of one’s impulses or feelings. When lack of self-control is extreme, criminal or addictive behavior rule your life. Parents who did not model self-control, or who did not adequately discipline their children, may predispose them to have this schema as adults.
This schema refers to the placing of too much emphasis on gaining the approval and recognition of others at the expense of one’s genuine needs and sense of self. It can also include excessive emphasis on status and appearance as a means of gaining recognition and approval. individuals with this schema are generally extremely sensitive to rejections by others and try hard to fit in. Usually they did not have their needs for unconditional love and acceptance met by their parents in their early years.
This schema refers to a pervasive pattern of focusing on the negative aspects of life while minimizing the positive aspects. Individuals with this schema are unable to enjoy things that are going well in their lives because they are so concerned with negative details or potential future problems. They worry about possible failures no matter how well things are going for them. Usually these individuals had a parent who worried excessively.
This schema refers to the belief that people deserve to be harshly punished for making mistakes. People with this schema are critical and unforgiving of both themselves and others. They tend to be angry about imperfect behaviors much of the time. In childhood these individuals usually had at least one parent who put too much emphasis on performance and had a punitive style of controlling behavior.
There are two primary schema operations: Schema healing and schema perpetuation. All thoughts, behaviors and feelings may be seen as being part of one of these operations. Either they perpetuate the schema or they heal the schema. We will explore both in part 2.